Sunday nights are THE WORST

[Liliuokalani]

Every hear of the Sunday night blues? I never did until like a month ago. When we all get a little depressed when the weekend is over and the workweek is about to begin again. I have always had major insomnia on Sunday nights. Especially in medical school because I wonder who is going to lose their temper and how am I going to get critisized this week? Now that I'm studying for a board exam and not doing a cinical rotation currently, I thought that would go away. It did for like a week.

Last night was awful. I just felt this loneliness that felt like a knife diving down through my stomach and into my soul. This feeling that my entire life is a failure and I have no friends and I will never make it as a doctor. Just so, so lonely. And I remembered that I've felt lonely my whole life, no matter how many friends I have had. I have always felt out of place. And for as long as I can remember, I've had insomnia many nights, other than Sundays, with this same feeling. And I have so many vivid nightmares lately. Sooooo many. Always featuring a family member or the attending that harassed me shortly after I got away from the horrible family and caused my CPTSD to worsen.

All I want to do is sleep all day and distract myself all night from this horrible feeling, so I often watch TV for hours and hours late into the night. I wake up drained. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. I feel like I'm climbing mount Everest and I'm just trying to finish medical school. I have tried EMDR and such, things to try to get me in touch with and process my feelings, but of late they just seem to become way too overwhelming to even process. Or something will happen in a show I watch that reminds me of a loving family I wish I had and then I just cry for HOURS.

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. Melatonin used to work like a charm and now it does nothing. And even when I sleep for a long time I seem to not be getting much REM sleep. I'm just pooped. I have xanax but don't want to get addicted so I use it very, very rarely and I think it reduces some of your sleep cycles.

If I could get better sleep I know some of this would go away. But it's such a catch-22. GAH! No more nightmares! SLEEEEEEP!

[ding dong]

Hi I fell the same way on Sunday evenings as I hate the thought of the working week.
I do a manual labour job and I hate it. It makes me feel useless but also that this is what I deserve as I am a bad person.
Since I realised that I have CPTSD and have started to recover theses feelings are starting to disappear slowly.
It has taken me a long time to even realise that I had been abused and it is not because I was a bad child or deserved it.
My fear of sleep derives from a event that happened when I was about 6 or 7.
I used to do what my parents called knocking. This was banging my head violently on my crossed arms to help me get to sleep. I also apparently did this while in a sleep. Anyway one night I must have been doing this when I woke up with a almighty bang.  If you make a fist and punch your other open hand with the fist as hard as you can this will give you an idea of the sound and pain of this. My head stopped abruptly and he started shouting nasty things at me after the punch.
This single event has affected me to this very day nearly 40 years later.
I hate going to sleep and before I drift off I have to have an image of hitting something before I sleep.
This can be hitting a ball with a stick or punch a boxer in a ring.
I also have to sleep on my back as I still feel afraid that someone is going to come up behind me and punch the back of my head.
So sleeping for me is the same as you only maybe a different experience. I hope that you fell some relief from your troubles.