Today is the first day of Fall Term.

[KayFly]

Hi,

I am ready to walk out the door to my first day of class. As some of you know, I divorced myself from my family last summer, and this morning, as I was getting ready, I started processing how much I had done on my own. I have a sadness that I don't have a family congratulating me on going to school, or calling me to wish me well on my first day. 

I've cried several times this morning for different reasons.

Last term, I had a big blowout with a colleague that sent me for a spin, and although I feel like I have a handle on how to act around this jerk once I see him, it hurts deep down inside. I wrote about it here:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2141.0

I also have a good friend at school who has been struggling severely with addiction, to the point where he was almost going to kill himself. I recognized this before he did.  This person has endured so much trauma, definitely has CPTSD, just isn't diagnosed, that I feel like i can relate to him. I felt like he was my only friend at school.

Recently I reached out to him and he, it seemed for no reason, didn't respond to texts or calls. It hurt my feelings but I just wanted to know why.  He said he is in recovery now and has been "going to several meetings a day, working with a sponsor, and spending his time with people who have a lot of time in sobriety." That's all good, but I have been sober for several months and very focused on my own recovery, had called him up and offered to drive him to meetings (since he didn't have a car), and like basically i just really care about this person a lot. But when I found out why he wasn't contacting me, it was almost as if he had been brainwashed into thinking he can only get support from people who have like "years" of sobriety, which really discredited me as a friend to him and all that I have done for him. 

It seems like we would have had more to talk about since we are both in recovery. But on the other hand, there were times where me and this friend drank together, and I possibly may be a trigger to him. I also have emotional instability, and tended to kind of soak in his troubles, rather than standing strong, which took a toll on me...and there for maybe we both needed this break. Maybe this is just happening for a reason, and rather than trying to control the situation, I am just going to wait it out and try to be as civil as possible.

The thing that started the conflict between me and my friend, was that I had caught him in some lies, and was willing to give him rides to meetings for his recovery and such, but I needed the friendship to be reciprocated, or at least acknowledged and appreciated.  I feel like he owes me an apology, but it's almost like he's been so far gone, he doesn't even know how to be a friend. He's the one friend that told me that I wasn't crazy when all of the stuff went down with the other character I talked about above. Basically this person means a lot to me, and I think this is probably all happening for a reason.

I feel very hurt by the whole situation and I feel very afraid to to go school because of all of the hurt that happened from last term, though I feel like I have learned enough to where I can protect myself a bit better this term, and take things slower with new friends, if any come along.

So I'm out the door now, wish me luck. I'm sure this term will be much better and I definitely have learned a lot, and I am grateful to be in a place of my life where I am standing up for myself, where as before, I kind of just let people hurt me and, like apologized to them. Silly.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Thanks for reading.

« Last Edit: Monday, 31 August 2015, 17:58:40 by KayFly »

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.

[Dutch Uncle]

Good luck, Kay!

A new year, new horizons.

[arpy1]

good luck for the new term, Kayfly. keep strong.

i dont know if it's applicable in your situation, but one thing that used to help me when i was putting my boundaries in place with my ex, was to keep giving him back his 'stuff' - kindly, firmly, without arguing, not letting him make me feel responsible for rescuing him even when he was doing 'behaviours'. i just wouldn't go there with him. i saved a lot of energy that way.
anyway, whatever happens, may your new term be much better than you expected!

[woodsgnome]

Just before I saw your post, I put on a song over at the music section with the opening line "every long journey is made of small steps". Wishing the best steps for today and beyond.

[KayFly]

Thank you guys. It has been a hard day. I'm glad to be home and appreciate your well wishes and support.