Can't Win

[IFeelSoAlone]

I keep trying to get out of this funk, to feel better.  No matter how hard I try though I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot seem to win.  Tomorrow will be two weeks since I started to feel this bad.  I cannot seem to get my head on right or even begin to slow things down long enough to try to make any progress. Things in my head are going 100 mph in 90 different directions.  Each time I think that I am getting anywhere something comes along and knocks me on my butt again.  I cannot get the thoughts to slow down long enough to try to focus on one thing to try to figure it out.

I feel like I have no one who understands, that I can sit face to face with and talk to and feel the emotion, the care.  But then I remember that I don't know anyone in person that has been through anything remotely close to what I have been. And even still, not like I go around telling people about my past.  I just don't know what to do, but I feel like things just keep getting worse and that my mind keeps slipping into darker places.

Anyways, thanks for reading my crap

[Widdiful Falling]

I'm in a funk, too. They come and go, and they're something people like us have to live with. There are ups and downs in life. We're in a valley, but there is a hill coming.

Something that helps me, is to forget about trying to feel better. I just accept the fact that I'm in a funk, and go where it takes me. Ironically, that acceptance and validation helps me feel a lot better. Another thing I do is self-reflection. Say I think I'm getting nowhere. Well, that thought raises a lot of questions. What was my goal? Is it truly unattainable? If it seems that way, what do I need to change to make it attainable? What will happen if I stay where I am? Is this really the worst position I could be in? What could make my position more comfortable?

By asking myself questions, I turn a vicious and unending cycle of thought into something that may or may not be productive (I have no pressure to act on my answers), but is definitely more healthy than ruminating.

If your thoughts are racing so fast you can't catch them to question them, try writing them down. If you can't focus enough to write them down, think about writing them down. If you can't focus enough to do even that, take a walk. Go somewhere new. Watch a new movie. Even if it seems uninteresting, seeing new things forges new neural pathways. It might help introduce other thoughts, and slow the present ones down.

Feeling isolated is very common among people with C-PTSD. If you need a face-to-face connection with someone to feel heard, a T is probably your best option. I wish you the best of luck. 

[woodsgnome]

My life has been one huge funk. Period. I have no grand formulas about getting out of funks, but like yours, they reach a point of hopelessness...which is kind of good, as the best starting place is one with no expectations. That might seem odd, but no expectations kind of clears out a space.

Think about what you know. Now, think about what you don't know. Which has more room for growth?

Maybe that's our hope, our clue, our step towards healing. The new knowledge doesn't replace what we did know, those memories (good and bad). But the new knowledge also brings with it new possibilities, infinite amounts actually; vast spaces of 'em. 

The door is open; go ahead, take a peek. Nothing there.
Therefore peaceful. But in its nothingness it's full--of possibility.

Possibilities are endless, but they're often hidden. Funks come and go; but they pounce on our psyches, they're habit-driven.

Possibility never ends, though--it's bigger than even the grandest funk could ever be. It's almost a surprise when those possibilities become visible. It...does...happen .

Why so hard now? Why indeed...our minds accumulate so much junk it becomes the norm; and it takes help to make up for it. That's why many of us are with you on this path.

I hope you can turn the corner and see those possibilities; and there'll be more to follow. 







   

[Indigochild]

Im sorry your both feeling so flunkish.
Many go on anti depressants because of things like this and they are labeled with a disorder.
I hope it passes all this. If not, i hope we can accept it.
Good for you both for dealing or at least trying to.

[arpy1]

maybe not face to face, but you are definitely not on your own with this one, IFeelSoAlone. here's a whole bunch of people who live it too, who are feeling for you and with you and just want to support you even if we don't have any fixes.

try to let the storm blow itself out while you hunker down and keep warm. it will blow itself out, honest. 

thinking of you

[Indigochild]

I hope your doing well all.
Not been in a good place recently, so i understand very much. its more than tough, and i hope you all have the support you need in the world.

Thoughts are with you and i really wish you only the best. Hope you feel better soon.

[IFeelSoAlone]

This is going on three weeks now of feeling like this and I am just at a lose on what to do.  I have a therapist, which I see weekly, but the problem is that I have gotten so good at putting on my face every morning that even when I see her I have troubles taking it off.  Things in my head are so much worse than I show them to be.  I don't know why I do this when I am around her but I do.  I feel like if I show how I am really doing then I will be seen as a drama queen or as weak.  Growing up my, the very few times that I tried to tell my mom what was going on, she would tell me to stop trying to get attention.  She said that it was a very cruel thing to joke about, I WASN'T JOKING!  I just wanted someone to listen, to believe me, and since they didn't  then why bother trying to tell them more times.  All that I learned was that I would not be believed if I tried to tell anyone.

I am still struggling a lot, and I can't seem to get out of this funk.

[arpy1]

stillhere, i really feel for you so much, it's so horrible to feel like you're feeling. i have similar  fear of people just thinking i'm insecure and/or attention-seeking, too, it was this huge taboo in the cult setting i was in. like the worst thing you could do. so like you, i learned to be a master at masking what i really felt until it all just froze up in a big confused wadge inside and stuck there.

I don't know why I do this when I am around her but I do. 

you don't think maybe you're putting her in the same category as your mum, dreading she's going to respond in the same horrible way? becos your T is someone who's paid to provide a service to you, she's not an authority figure or parent type person. if she were to respond like your mum, then she's not much good at her job, and you don't need her as a T! just a thought.

but you are not being a drama queen, you're in pain.  sounds like there's a whole bunch of stuff inside that needs to get out and you need some help from yr T to do that. 

maybe if you can't get it out verbally when you're with yr T, would you feel able to write it? then take it with you and give it to her, so at least it's out there. even just to make a little start, say, put a bit of it down. and just give her that. small bit at a time? or even draw it?  i don't know, it's what i do sometimes. i even send my T short excerpts from my journal if i can't cope with anything else.  it might help to get a conversation going with her about how you really feel? or maybe she would have some ideas you could try?

anyway, whatever you decide, please know you're not on your own,

loads of  and support.

[IFeelSoAlone]

I have done the writing thing, because that is the way that I have always gotten my emotions out. I do more than let her read little bits of my journal, I let her read everything that I write. I have different journals though, I have one journal in specific that I use just for abuse type topics.  I let her read everything in there and usually stuff in other journals too, there isn't anything that I really hide from her, I have been seeing her for almost 9 years now.  I had seen multiple therapists before her and none of them helped me at all.  None of them specialized in abuse related trauma.

[arpy1]

you're much braver than me, ifeelsoalone to have been as open as that.  i don't really know what to say but i am thinking of you and i really hope you will find a way through this dark bit. sending lots of

[IFeelSoAlone]

Honestly, I think one of the most difficult things that I hears out of my therapists mouth was when she said she has been working with abuse victims for almost 20 years and I am the second most difficult/worse case that she has had.  That made me realize how bad things were growing up.  I had a hard time digesting that one, it made me feel so broken, even though I know that is not what she meant. I asked her why she said that and she said it was so that I would  understand that what I went through was not mild.

I understand that it is going to take years to work through the things I need to work through, I mean I have 14 years of abuse to try to cope with.  I am never one to tell people that I have been through is worse than someone elses experience.  I had someone the other day though tell me that I act like I am better than everyone else because I use my abuse as a leverage to get attention. How?  I never talk about it with people (other than my therapist and 2 super duper close friends).  How is it possible to be proud of what I went through and then use it for attention. I had a therapist YEARS ago tell me that what I went through was not that bad and that I asked for everything that I got.  Had I been an adult when that happened I would have gotten her fired or something, but I was a minor and could do nothing.  I was in therapy that was court ordered to my parents following an investigation from child protective services.   After that visit I stopped going and of course I got my parents in trouble for that but at the time I didn't care. 

[Candywarhol]

  I feel like if I show how I am really doing then I will be seen as a drama queen or as weak.

Hi IFeelSoAlone

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!
One thing I also struggle with is feeling that I have a right to the way I feel.
To my mind, this comes from having one's feelings consistently invalidated by one's FOO.
Obviously I don't know what your story/background is but I think it's fair to say that if
you're continuously dubbed a drama queen/attention-seeking/too sensitive etc. by your family or in an intimate relationship,
you question and second guess your own feelings automatically, which is extremely damaging.

I find the Spartanlifecoach helpful on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHiFnJ2Mx68
This clip might not be the most relevant to how you're feeling but it may help in terms of actually allowing yourself to feel your feelings.

I wish you well and that you beat the funk.

Candy