Isolation

[glbreed]

I ended a fifteen year relationship over the holidays last year.  I was tired of being hated by him.  The relationship was toxic at best and brought out the worst in me due, in part, to my CPTSD. 

I moved out of the city and into the suburbs so I wouldn't have to see him.  Almost all of my friends are friends with him also.  I avoid them because I do not feel safe with them.  He's with the person he was cheating on me with.  It hurts to hear anything about them.

I was bullied as a child for many years and my dad, who is a Baptist minister, preached of an angry god who was going to send me to *.  I believed every word my dad spoke and grew up hated by my peers and hated by god and terrified of being sent to *. 

I'll be 50 next month and I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life. 

[arpy1]

i am so sorry you are in pain . it's so hard to feel unloved, even if the relationship was toxic to you and keyed into all that bad stuff from your upbringing - it doesn't make it easier does it? 

but try to not lose heart, glbreed, nurture the possibility of change and growth in yourself. it isn't easy, but even just taking a tiny step is an achievement.

loads of support to you

p.s. i know what you mean about 'angry god'.  a vicar once said to me when i expressed similar sentiments, ' i'm glad i don't believe in your god, because he's a psychopath!' yup, his god was much certainly nicer than the one i was taught.

[Dutch Uncle]

I ended a fifteen year relationship over the holidays last year.  I was tired of being hated by him.  The relationship was toxic at best and brought out the worst in me due, in part, to my CPTSD.

  What a courage!   

I'll be 50 next month and I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life.

At this moment it's probably a bit of an empty remark, but still: you'll learn. Recognizing so fast that the 'new ones' are as unavailable as the ones you already kicked out IS a big asset you've already gained.

[Lifecrafting]

I'll be 50 next month and I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life.

I ended a 25 yr relationship a few years back and dove right into another relationship where "cold hearted, emotionally unavailable" is at the forefront of my feelings about it so I get this.

Someone on this site said to me a few days back (paraphrasing here) that wherever I am with myself is what I will attract into my life. And she's right; If I want better relationships with others, I must first have a better relationship with myself. In my opinion, (I am just starting my journey with CPTSD) that means I have to be more available to the process of growing out of isolation, out of pain - out of the terrifying place; I must become more aware of my feelings, more aware of how I act/react and make a sincere effort toward taking action with whatever it is I need to do.

Of course, just acknowledging that this is the beginning of the journey IS taking action; I have always known that (for me) awareness is half the battle.
The "more active part" if you will, is reading Pete Walker's book CPTSD From Surviving To Thriving along with reading/sharing here on this site; both are tremendously affirming and supportive.
These are the small steps I am taking in terms of action; in doing so, the vulnerability I experience quite often is excruciatingly painful but I am changing so I know it's OK. I know if I stay with it, I will find more to do as my growth permits.

glbreed, I'm glad you are here. I hope you find some comfort knowing that their are others who identify with your feelings.

Welcome.

[glbreed]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.  It means a lot to me and I am grateful. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, glbreed...

I've been on a ride resembling yours, especially the early stuff, it appears, the hypocrisy of the bigoted hateful misfired mixed-up posers who pretended they're in tune with a deity and by g they'll gladly share the good news of love as soon as you shut up and obey the only way. You know the rest.

What I ended up learning best, was that life involves a whole lot of unlearning. It's pretty unfair, and accepting it is one of the hardships of following the unlearning curriculum. Stepping past and out of the dung left from the ugly past is pretty hard but we pluck along.

"Isolation" is my middle name; maybe it should be my primary one. Partly chosen, I've been fortunate enough to have physically isolated myself from it, but the inner hurt never leaves. Still unlearning, maybe accepting more, but never retreating from the recovery journey.

I hope you can find some means to stay on your path out of what you described. Wish I could say it's easy, but I gave up hypocrisy back then, too. Look around--we're feeling your pain even as we seek to live with ours.

Good to see you here.

[EmoVulcan]

[quote author=glbreed link=topic=2288.msg14446#msg14446 date=1441194941
I was bullied as a child for many years and my dad, who is a Baptist minister, preached of an angry god who was going to send me to *.  I believed every word my dad spoke and grew up hated by my peers and hated by god and terrified of being sent to *. 

I'll be 50 next month and I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life.
[/quote]

Sounds like some of my issues.   
* is created for us, I think.  Religion gave us duality...good and bad.  But nature is much more complex, and we are learning about complexity.  Perception is reality, some say.  I have striven to see "what is": a truth seeker.  With profound and uncomfortable questions.  I am over 50.  Introverted by nature and nurture, set apart.  Apart is not aside. Though it feels that way.  We have been expressing the pain of the clear seeing child within.  That child is actually telling us we are worthy of life.  By sending the pain of what has been done to us, and protesting everything that wants to blame what is on their heads and hands, even if they are in denial, they know the truth.
We are, I think in a resolution of self, finding our true selves, and learning how to be hyperpresent in the now, or free of our pasts, but not of some long gathered wisdom from less than ideal things in life.  
You are strong, and it is not any of our responsibility, what others do or have done.  You recognized a predictor! You protected yourself, more important, you protected your true self.
That says you are healing, growing, and at least learning who needs to be passed up, for someone better.
I think, we need to resolve. The religious thing, the burden of guilt we bear, and is projected on us, or maybe we felt our abusers guilt, and mistakenly believed it was ours.  This is the only sense I can make of illogical feelings.  Certainly, I would be prompted to comfort a child in distress.  It seems adults do not notice such things, they are not fully present, like a child is, taking in every detail that is new to them, without judgement of good and bad.  That was why Jesus said the children shall lead.  Our divine children, within.

[MaryAnn]

Hi glbreed,

Like Woodsgnome and EmoVulcan, my early years were much the same as yours.

My parents were and still are strict Southern Baptists.  My father was controlling, oppressive, abusive, and a narcissist.  I have no doubt that he is a uNPD, malignant type.  He used his God to control and shame me from as early as I can remember.  I was beat with belt on a daily basis for defying him for things like not eating everything on my plate, or appreciating everything that was cooked and not be willing to try beets, okra, black eyed peas, anything seen as disobedient.  If you shed a tear, my parents were the type that said, Shut up or I will really give you something to cry about.... Or Keep it Up, no one hears and no cares. Eat them or you will never leave this table!  And that was just what happened at the dinner table. 

I learned how to disassociate very young.  I was expected to be like Jesus and put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of my own.  If I wanted for anything, I was being selfish and unappreciative.  As a teenager, I made the same mistakes of any teenager, but in my house these were unforgiveable indiscretions.  My father made it clear that I was going to *, it didn't matter what I did from that point on, I could not be forgiven.  I had committed the ultimate betrayal of not honoring my mother and father.  It was his job to control my every thought and action and that I had failed him.  I was looking for a rescuer, thought it was the man that then became my husband, only to realize that I married a hybrid of my mother and father.  I put myself in the same situation all over again. 

.....I'm still choosing cold hearted, emotionally unavailable people to have relationships with.  I want to be happy.  I want to meet people and have fun.  But I'm terrified of life.

This is me, be it friends, bosses, I know how to pick the ones that will abuse me most.  Happiness and unconditional love are all I really want, need.  Shame is the driver of my fears. Fear controls me.  If I am not pleasing and doing for everyone else, then I will never be worthy of happiness or love.

I recently discovered that as much as I thought that I had forgiven my father, accepted that he could not change, and simply did not have any feelings for him at all, that he is still controlling my every decision.  I fear his retribution on my mother and my brother if I do anything he doesn't approve of like getting a divorce, joining a humanist group (I am agnostic but have never told him), writing a book, participating in causes to support issues he is against.  He is still controlling me and I never even see or talk to him.  I am afraid to live and be how I want.   The worst part is that I now realize that Shame is intrinsic to my character, my personality as a result of how they treated and raised me as parents.  I react to everything from a sense of shame. It is part of the foundation that the rest of my self was built on.  Unlearning that is going to be a rough ride.  As part of my foundation, it is going to be tricky to correct without the whole house falling down..... 

Glad you found us glbreed. It is nice to have others that we can relate to, support, and walk with in our journey's to self recovery.

MaryAnn