Building Trust

[Kizzie]

Wow Butterfly, this is my NPDM to a "T" - maybe they're long lost sisters lol. It is most definitely NOT paranoid, that's what I thought for years, decades even until I went to OOTF and wow what a validating and eye opening that was.  It may sound paranoid to others if your M is like mine, a seemingly kind, loving -- read "covert/stealthy" NPDM ("Oh she's so sweet and giving, you're so lucky to have an M like her"  Ack). 

We are quite far away from my NPDM now and LC so we don't have the daily worries about this whole biz anymore, but she is currently doing this to my B, fortunately he is NPD too and doesn't seem to notice she has taken over his friends and now his children (his and his wife split up and he has custody).  At least while they're NPDing each other, they're leaving the rest of us alone.

We went NC with my M's side of the fam as she campaigns against us and we just got sick of it.  I didn't even want to go to my F's memorial because I was afraid of how she had portrayed me to them.  We thought it wasn't much loss if those people couldn't figure out for themselves what was going on.

Anyway, it's truly awful I know but please don't ever tell yourself it's you being paranoid -you need "eyes wide open" to deal with PD behaviour and your CPTSD.

[Butterfly]

Thank you! thank you so much! It means so much to have support and understanding. Yes covert and stealthy. Yup.

[Kizzie]

  for you Butterfly

[keepfighting]

Im not sure this fits here but the trouble I have is my engulfing uPDm befriends anyone I get friendly with and turns them into her friends. Then they are easily used as proxy stalkers and moles so she knows who else I'm friendly with so she can in turn befriend them. It's with cycle started some years ago and she just keeps going.

My uNPDm is the same. NC didn't stop this behavior, if anything it made her more devious and underhand in her tactics.

This probably sounds totally selfish but I am glad you posted this. It makes me feel less alone and less crazy. If you try to tell anyone IRL, it really does sound paranoid, so I never speak of it. I tried once, backfired big time...

It never occured to me to connect the dots between this level of stalking and interfering and my lack of trust in others yet now that you brought it up the connection seems so obvious. It is hard to build trust while at the same knowing that there is a presence lurking in the dark biding her time until it is the perfect moment to interfere....

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my goodness, yes, that's precisely how I feel about my acquaintance. Nosferatu. Vampire Queen. The hidden danger lurking in the dark. To have someone's "pleasant demeanour" hide such sneaky and perfidious maliciousness is just horrifying.

One book that's VERY clear on the mechanisms and effects of emotional abuse is this one: http://www.amazon.com/Stalking-Soul-Marie-France-Hirigoyen/dp/188558699X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413363758&sr=8-1&keywords=hirigoyen  Hirigoyen especially points out how abusers systematically destabilize their victims.

...the "clean violence" of an emotional abuser - who as a "natural manipulator" often attracts others with a dynamic, winning style - is hard to prove... . Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers: to systematically "destabilize" and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim's fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity. These relentless "predators" are also incapable of compassion or empathy, always blame the victim and never see their actions as wrong.

So I'm not sure how triggering her case studies are. But if you're seeking validation, that's a good place to find it. Hirigoyen doesn't sugar-coat abuse at all, isn't interested in finding excuses for abusers, and is a clear advocate for victims.