Accepting the battle

[Laynelove]

So I was feeling pretty positive when I joined this site but I'm having a really awful day today.

Any tips for accepting this disorder as a life long pervasive illness? I've been in denial but now I just have to live with the fact that I have to cope wrung life not live it.

[Dutch Uncle]

Pfew... Tough one.

Does this help?:
"a life long pervasive illness condition."



PS: I have this 'proverb' hanging on my wall: "Don't let your struggle become your identity." I think that's in the same vein. It does help me at times.
Though I do struggle with the concept at other times as well. 

[stillhere]

Useful for me has been thinking of CPTSD as an injury, as some experts say it is.  Injuries often leave scar tissue, even if they heal.

For me, this condition has come crashing in again, after many years in remission.  I think it is indeed a lifelong effort but not one that is front and center all the time.

[arpy1]

the fact that we are still here means that we are the survivors.   

the only way i stay sane is to do my best to believe i can get better, and do the work to learn how to manage it more effectively.

i like DutchUncle's quote (nice one,  btw D/U), i am really trying to not let the damage i have suffered be the definition of me.

i so want to find the Me that the injuries ( i like that too, stillhere) tried to steal from me. and i will, if it takes the rest of my life.

keep your head up, Laynelove, you are a survivor too.

don't think i have met you before, so hi, welcome  

[coda]

There was a time, way back when i finally accepted the reality of my past and fought to overcome its wreckage, when I saw that incredibly hard-won recognition as a bright diving line. I assumed (or rather hoped) there would be a Before and After. Once I let go of the worst of it, when the confusion, guilt, anger and incredulity began to lift a little, I would return -- if you can even call it that when it barely ever existed -- to my whole and true self. A life like others, full of possibility and promise, but with the secret knowledge of a past one.

Some days, yes, it feels possible. All that work made it so. The thick scars don't throb, don't show, don't require treatment or the attention of an indifferent world. But oh man, sometimes...the shooting pains and the despair kick back in. We know we'll survive it, lord knows we've had enough practice, but a certain acid bitterness creeps in too, a weariness...this again? This wasn't the After I imagined.

I guess it's the one I got. For all the pain, I would not, not ever, trade it for Before. That ignorance was unbearable, indescribable, lonely and twisted in a way that almost drove me mad. At least now we know there are causes behind our own personal storms, we're not praying to rain gods, wondering how we offended them. Plus there are others now, here. Knowing that this condition, or affliction, or injury or whatever we call it is lifelong can seem like a sentence, but is it? Might it just be life as so many know it, bitter and sweet?

An idol, Dr. Oliver Sacks (who passed away just a few days ago) spent his life attending to and chronicling some of the most bizarre, most debilitating, cruelest neurological oddities imaginable (and unimaginable). He never judged, and his fascination with all the variations of human adaptation and courage never wavered. He himself had suffered as a child, and knew it had shaped him into someone who had problems with (as he put) "the 3Bs -- belonging, bonding, and believing." And yet, and yet...

We soldier on, Laynelove. But not alone, and not always in pain.

[fairyslipper]

I think when we finally accept the battle is when we truly begin to heal........whatever and however that plays out for each of us in our own particular situations. Accepting the battle kind of removes the battle really...........and just leaves us with acceptance. That leads us to learning to love and respect ourselves like never before. (to me the best part.......feeling FINALLY like we matter) I LOVE what coda said about not wanting to go back to before. I feel the very same way. Excellent post! It really does get exhausting and seems sometimes that the layers of healing never end. But with time comes more of a gentleness towards ourselves too I think. I have noticed that the severity of symptoms does ease up over time and on the occasion they become triggered again the recovery doesn't seem to take nearly as long. It seems like the intense pressure to fix it now and get better fast kind of fade too. There is more of a balanced approach. Spend a few days reading and working through some things and then step away and let the lessons solidify. I remember at first it was all so overwhelming. There are still days where it can be but I recognize them for what they are now and don't get so scared by them like I used to. I do have days now where I feel like I AM living, not just coping anymore. Sometimes I will have several in a row before something happens again. That progress inspires me to keep on keeping on. I feel more alive then and not so weighed down by the cards I was dealt. I feel like when we have those super crappy days it is so important to let ourselves FEEL them.........forever we were told to be quiet, keep our thoughts to ourselves, our feelings didn't matter. So when I have a bad day........I do let the feelings flow. I journal, exercise hard, vent or whatever. I have found such healing and validation in that.
Soldiers and survivors YES.....like the others said. Something to be very proud of. 

[Laynelove]

Thanks so much everyone and thankyou for the welcome messages. I guess in a way it is nice to know that there are other people out there with the same experiences.

After spending the day thinking this is my positive spin:

I experienced narcissistic abuse from the age of about 11 from an older sibling. In a way I feel lucky that I had the emotional freedom of a normal child before that point. He is 3 years older then me, so I guess around 14 was the age his narcissism emerged. I feel like I completely stopped developing emotionally at that point. I'm 26 now and feel like inside I'm still a child.

So another way of looking at 'recovery' is that my personality never fully developed, so there is no former self to try and recover. Really, I should be looking at 'recovery' as more of a personal development into a healthy adult emotional state, rather than going through life as this wounded child. If I put it that way, and make sure I work really hard then I guess I can't really fail. Thoughts?

[Dutch Uncle]

Really, I should be looking at 'recovery' as more of a personal development into a healthy adult emotional state, rather than going through life as this wounded child. If I put it that way, and make sure I work really hard then I guess I can't really fail. Thoughts?

Awesome    .

[fairyslipper]

^^^^^^ Agreed!  Love that AND looking at it like your personality never developed and there not being a former self to try and recover. I am writing that one down to save!!! Excellent attitude. 

[Laynelove]

That's great glad u are keeping that one. As soon as I thought about it that way it has kept me out of the mindset of 'ill never recover', 'I'll be stuck like this forever'. If I just continue to develop then it's always gotta keep getting better. I'm sure I'll grieve for the 'person I could have been' but hey...I might just end up liking who I become.

Plus the 'person I could've been' is really just an idealistic fantasy that doesn't actually exist, I could have ended up being a real * and just as lonely without the hard times to teach me to be so accepting and caring of others.

Trying to stay positive one day at a time.

[Cocobird]

After a couple of years of therapy, my therapist is pleased that I can accept what my life is like. But sometimes I have trouble with it. I was abused as a child, and a few years ago, because of the economic downturn, I lost my job, my savings, my house. It was a dreadful time in my life.

My life is very simple. I am retired, have a part time tarot reading job online, and am learning to cope better when stuff happens. I know my triggers and eventually, how to distract myself.

But the person I used to be -- full of energy and loving a challenge -- is gone. I miss that a lot, and there is no way of knowing if any of that will return.

I try to focus on what I'm doing. I read a lot, watch TV, play on the internet to keep me busy. It's not an awful life. I have a parrot, who is now 17 and a great companion. Still there are days when it's easier to deal with than others.

[KayFly]

I have a friend who has recently hit rock bottom and finally started doing something about how terrible his life/trauma has been. He is in so much pain. I feel so sad for him. So much love for him.

I have worked well into my therapy and healing and have processed lots of trauma, which makes me so empathetic for the first stages of recovering because it is SO hard to face all the pain. The grieving the loss of family, or even having a good childhood.

Now that I have been working so hard on all my therapy, I have developed a greater sense of excitement for what I can do to learn to get better. I'm excited about my journey more frequently and I just accept that one thing comes up after the other. Everyone has that. But it may be harder for us with CPTSD or others with illnesses that make us more sensitive, or triggered.

I just know it is so hard at first, and it gets easier. And that my personal experience has brought a curiosity to the world, and a stronger mind/body/soul.

My heart goes out to you in your hard time.  I believe it can get better.