Panic attacks

[sunkitten]

I'm going through a pretty bad situation in my life right now, and can't seem to cope very well with everything that is happening (basically, I'm out of work, visibly disabled, and am frantically trying to find a job so that I won't be out on the street... I do get an annuity, but it's insufficient to live on, so regardless of the fact that I am in constant pain I don't have much choice about getting out there and trying to find another job).

The bills are piling up, and calls from creditors are enough to throw me into a panic attack where I can't even think. It's truly debilitating. My late uNPD/ASPD father was well aware that financial insecurity and the fear of living on the street is one of my biggest fears, and when he moved in with me after becoming ill deliberately caused issues with late payments. After he went into the nursing home, he'd ask me to come and visit to talk about my "future goals", and then suggest that I could be an escort or get a room in some elderly man's home in return for cooking, cleaning and providing sexual services (my father sexually abused me, among other things, so these suggestions were extremely triggering). It's not like there's a huge market out there for middle-aged "escorts" with visibly twisted spines, even if it were something I would ever consider!

So I'm wondering how best to cope with these panic attacks, in order to find a job which will get me earning again and start paying my creditors. I've been applying to places online, but am a real mess internally right now. And I'm afraid that once a potential employer sees me in person, the only thing he/she will see is my twisted spine and mentally discount me as someone to be hired. I'm even willing to drive a cab overnight, if that's what it takes but need to get my panic under control without resorting to taking medication.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks in advance.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, sunkitten. And this is probably not helping, but your father sounds like a waste of space. GAH. Brrr. I think I have to scrub my brain with bleach now simply from reading about this all, and you had to live through it. My fullest sympathy.

No advice either. I had some panic attacks long ago, but they were mild. Yours sound like they're caused by stress?

As for advice, I'd agree with what Rain said. It brought to mind something my aunt once said. She was looking for a job, and she was well into her fifties: "People keep telling me: 'oh, honey, there aren't many jobs out there for women your age...' So I told them: 'I don't need many jobs, I just need one!'" I hope you'll find yours soon.

[spryte]

Pretty much what everyone else said, in regards to everything. I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time.

One thing that did cross my mind is that if you have a diagnosed disability, I believe that there are organizations out there that specifically work to help people with disabilities get jobs. Also, if I'm not mistaken, in certain states it is of some benefit for employers to employ individuals with disabilities so they may not see it as the awful thing that you're thinking. I believe some companies get kickbacks (maybe tax breaks?) for working in tandem with those organizations that work to get those with disabilities jobs. It might be something to check into.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yes, and also it makes those companies look good. Some see it as a badge of honour: "look, we're employing X percent women and y percent people with disabilities, so you can see how progressive and wonderful we are, yes?" It's very possible that a HR person who sees you might mentally fistpump: "YESSS, here's someone to help me meet my quota!" - which I say without knowing about the precise situation in your country (I'm from overseas).

EDITED TO ADD: not that you're quota fodder or anything. But it's not a given that everyone will react poorly to your disability. It sounds as if you've got a great deal of pain associated with that. I'm sad to think that people in your life might have used your disability as a pretext for abuse. They didn't do that because they had a right or because it's THE obvious reaction to someone with a twisted spine, they did that because they're idiots.

[Kizzie]

Hey SunKitten - so sorry you're having a tough time of it right now      Your F, what can be said about him - not a lot good in the man. You did not deserve the kind of attention he paid you.

I had a lot of long lasting, big panic attacks early on this year (couldn't get out of bed some days), and what helped was finally reaching out for help.  I was not one to do so but I'm glad I did, I haven't had a panic attack or even a major EF for quite a while so it was a turning point.  So I agree with the other posts that reaching out for some emotional support is a good start to getting the panic attacks down, and then for some employment support. And having a disability is not always a negative thing as Spryte & Cat suggest - many companies are looking to employ a more diverse workforce, and not just because of quotas any more but because it makes their organization richer and more effective.   I work online from home by the way and it's awesome - I can wear jammies as late in the day as I want to and have squirrel hair and no-one knows 

Keep posting here as that will help too - knowing you're not alone, that others can give some heartfelt encouragement and sage advice is always a good feeling. 

[Rain]

I soooo agree with Kizzie (except we do know about your squirrel hair).   

[sunkitten]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

I worked at a call centre here for six years, but it was a bad place to work because it's located out in the country and the buses don't run past a certain hour -- there's no consideration given by management for this, and at one point I was having to pay $30 one way to take a cab home at midnight. The other issue was that they did not accommodate very well for my disability, so I'd be in pain all day long and trying to be nice to customers on the phone. For those of you who know a bit of my story from OOTF... my father left me in bad financial straits when he died because he allowed his brother's stepdaughter to manipulate him into making her the beneficiary of his retirement fund. Her daughter also works at that particular call centre and was on my team, and she'd talk about her mom and dad all day to coworkers (she lives in their basement with her SO and two kids) which triggered my CPTSD big time.

So I have plenty of experience with phone customer service, and my computer setup at home is customized for my needs. The only issue preventing me from taking one of those jobs and working at home is the cost involved in getting an analog phone line and headsets.

The apartment building I live in employs superintendent couples, and the duties are a lot for two people to handle alone so they usually have assistant managers as well. The company is looking for another couple to manage the building as both the assistant managers and main managers have given notice, and I'm thinking of applying to run the office downstairs (which I could also do and have experience with, and which might save the company the money they would use to pay a second manager couple). This would be ideal too. Otherwise I'm applying for any job online that I'm qualified to do.

I've even applied to drive a cab overnight and/or do dispatch overnight for two cab companies here, and had an interview two weeks ago for one of them, but think that company hired someone else. It's really discouraging. I'll be 55 next month and know that ageism is still rampant in the work world despite anti-discrimination laws, and being visibly disabled just makes it more difficult.

Again, thanks. If you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers (if you pray), I'd really appreciate it.

[schrödinger's cat]

Will do. I wish you the best of luck, sunkitten.

[Badmemories]

Boy! You were in a really heavy situation! No wonder You are stressing out so bad! Try and deep breath.. Try and tell your Inner child "It's Ok We will be OK!" and tell the inner critic " I am worthy of employment."

In Mn where I live they have a jobs program that does whatever it it to help You go back to work! They would probably help You with the tools You need in Your home. I know the feds used to have a program where they'd pay for things to make people employable... which would include equipment.

Truly, I think with the experience that You have... there should be a job out there somewhere! 

YOUR DAD WAS AN EVIL MAN! I believe he will pay for it somewhere, sometime in the afterlife!

[Kizzie]

Hi SunKitten - Just touchnig base to see how you're making out - better I hope 

[sunkitten]

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. I've been scrambling to find a solution, however temporary, to my situation.

The good news is that I found one, which gives me a little bit of breathing room and money to move out of my current place and in with a roommate (although I haven't found a roommate yet). My late father owned 200 acres of land which is mostly trees, and a few months ago I received a letter from a timber company president offering to harvest and pay for the timber on the land. I didn't answer the letter at the time because guess where he got my address?... the two remaining members of my father's NFOO, his brother's stepdaughters.

I negotiated with the timber man over the last couple of weeks to pay me a deposit on the timber, and he's also paying me for his hunting party to hunt there until the end of 2016. He sent me the money and it went into my bank account yesterday.

Then, today, I got an email from my (late) uncle's older stepdaughter because the timber man had evidently given her my email address. It's triggered me because of a number of reasons so I'll create a different thread for it.

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm doing a lot better now that I'm not faced with giving up all of my belongings and my beloved cats and sleeping in my car.