Feeling like an Imposter (Part 2)

Started by Kizzie, September 03, 2015, 06:01:42 PM

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Kizzie

This is a continuation from the thread "Does anyone feel like an impostor sometimes?"

steamy

I often wish that there was a button after every post that we could click, like a like button, to show solidarity and support for the poster.

About ten years ago I was a CEO of an organisation which had three directors who were academics. One of them once told me, before I was fired, that I "was one of those people who get folks backs up," another told me that he marked his students at the university of Warwick on attitude more than content. looking back now, I see that they lacked the emotional intelligence to see that students that they routinely failed were probably those who suffered mental health issues and CPTSD.  That is the reality of the world we live in and living with CPTSD.

The last couple of days I have been attending interviews for a new job within a government department. It was a one and a half day affair full of being asked to present information, solve problems etc. The department gave me a big feeling of being inadequate and that despite 15 years of experience in my field I felt completely like an imposter and a fraud. I was hyper--alert the whole time and could not relax.

The assessments were being conducted by a psychologist, at the end of the day said about me that she saw things that were excellent and things that they didn't like, so I didn't get the job. I guessed that at some point I was triggered,  and I attempted to make a point in order to be heard with in the group which she picked up upon. She saw this as being an inability to listen to others and that I was talking over other people in the group, I am not sure if she saw PTSD but I got a feeling that she could see that I was carrying some pain. That kinda confirms and reinforces, the feeling of not being good enough, increases ones self doubt and adds another coat of varnish to the layers of insult and injury.

I wonder if this was a self fulfilling prophecy, that I sabotaged the day as I need this job, but thought that ultimately I'll get fired so why go there. I also wonder what should I try to do, what job might I be able to do and manage to live without causing trouble or "getting people's backs up" so that I might be able to avoid future pain so that I might be able to lick my wounds and heal.

I remember reading Pete Walker and how he managed to get a job despite being triggered in an interview. I so envy him.

Puffyface82

I find I start to feel that way any time I do something for an extended period of time; whether it be a job or school or a relationship. It's like I wake up and I realize nothing around me is me. Like I'm living someone else's life. Someone whose better than I can possibly be. And then I make a mess of it.

woodsgnome

#3
In part 1 of this thread, I wrote about how I literally created a new life, in response to my early cptsd (not labeled as such at the time). And I did alright, built up a life that helped assuage some of the grief, but I still feel like what Puffyface said:

"...it's like I'm living someone else's life. Someone who's better than I can possibly be. And then I make a mess of it." In my case, I pretty much obliterated the 'previous life', got away  from the sorts of people and the circumstances that hurt me. I know that saved me from the immediate * I needed to escape, but I also can't shake loose from the numb feeling that I'm an actor in someone else's life, just as Puffyface has described.

But it's also a cruel push-pull of wanting/not wanting. And I have no idea what to do anymore.  :'( 

   

Jdog

Reading the posts here, I just want to say that I do continue to get triggered and pulled back to my inner five-year-old status at times.  But the thing that helps me inhabit my "new" skin the most is just repeating the mantras "I am safe" and "I am enough."  Also, just hanging in there through moments of grief, anxiety, and discomfort.  It is a learned skill, for sure, and one that I find most easily intentionally practiced when I am doing physical exercise that elevates the heart rate and makes me sweat.  Not everyone changes out and run, I realize.  But if you can do so, or do anything that feels like hard exercise, it may help come into contact with these demons we seem to carry. 

Just a thought.

Oakridge

"...it's like I'm living someone else's life. Someone who's better than I can possibly be. And then I make a mess of it." In my case, I pretty much obliterated the 'previous life', got away  from the sorts of people and the circumstances that hurt me. I know that saved me from the immediate * I needed to escape, but I also can't shake loose from the numb feeling that I'm an actor in someone else's life, just as Puffyface has described."

The quote above by Woodsgnome sums up so much of how i have felt for decades, and so i am sitting here reflecting on this. I guess the other life i have tried to live was "me" as a perfect being with no mental illness. Of course the dark side of trying to be perfect is the horror when i realized i was not and descended into a CPTSD bout. Of course, it's only been 8 months max that i have even known about CPTSD and been diagnosed. So i am thankful that after over 4 decades of therapies that were hit and miss at best, i have a clearer picture of what i face. Sadly, a major part of this journey is to find a more authentic sense of self, not the fantasy of me at perfection or the self-loathing of me when i fall, but a kind and loving understanding of what i went through as a child/adolescent of abuse and murder. So I also at times don't know what to do about this journey, but something in me wants to keep plugging along but leaving my imposter image behind. Time will tell if i am on the right path, but this discussion has helped me better see what i became in the past and how it impacted my life and sense of identity.

stacey

I can relate to Woodgnome's quote too. I'm a writer ... or at least trying to be one. It's so competitive out there and as soon as I start comparing myself to others I feel myself sagging. How can a soggy empty paper bag be a writer? Or I send stuff off to editors and I don't hear back from them and I feel my strong resolve just collapse again, the feeling that everyone else has keys to this way of being that is denied to me.

And then at other times it's the real Stacey, the authentic person who developed out of the grace of having a safe-enough relationship with my cousin as kids. Staying at her house for the entirety of the six-week holiday break, away from my dad and brother. We were so creative. And so I think I tap into that when I do other creative things now like writing. That part knows that constant rejection isn't personal. She knows that she wants to keep on at this no matter what it takes. And so she is in the driver's seat for a few days and then the critic floods in again and says all that imposter crap all over again.

Poor us. This is such a hard space to get through, to understand, to keep crawling through the tiny flashback door out to the present. It's good to be here.

Kizzie

#7
I had a thought when I was reading your post Stacey - what about starting a blog and pouring your creativity and passion and pain into that?  I see a few blogs popping up here and there and imo they are such a good way of working through things for one's self, but also for raising awareness about what it is like to have CPTSD and to recover.  It seems like you would tap into both parts, the part of you who had love and support and positives through a relationship with your  cousin and wants to write, and the other who feels like a soggy mess and might benefit from being heard.  Just a thought FWIW. Here's one by an OOTS member you might want to check out -  www.mybeautifulabuser.com.

Kizzie

#8
Quote from: Oakridge on December 17, 2015, 03:30:43 PM
"...it's like I'm living someone else's life. Someone who's better than I can possibly be. And then I make a mess of it." In my case, I pretty much obliterated the 'previous life', got away  from the sorts of people and the circumstances that hurt me. I know that saved me from the immediate * I needed to escape, but I also can't shake loose from the numb feeling that I'm an actor in someone else's life, just as Puffyface has described."

The quote above by Woodsgnome sums up so much of how i have felt for decades, and so i am sitting here reflecting on this. I guess the other life i have tried to live was "me" as a perfect being with no mental illness. Of course the dark side of trying to be perfect is the horror when i realized i was not and descended into a CPTSD bout. Of course, it's only been 8 months max that i have even known about CPTSD and been diagnosed. So i am thankful that after over 4 decades of therapies that were hit and miss at best, i have a clearer picture of what i face. Sadly, a major part of this journey is to find a more authentic sense of self, not the fantasy of me at perfection or the self-loathing of me when i fall, but a kind and loving understanding of what i went through as a child/adolescent of abuse and murder. So I also at times don't know what to do about this journey, but something in me wants to keep plugging along but leaving my imposter image behind. Time will tell if i am on the right path, but this discussion has helped me better see what i became in the past and how it impacted my life and sense of identity.

Your post (and everyone's) in this thread really resonated with me.  In some ways it's more painful seeing the disorder clearly than it was thinking I could actually become perfect if only I just kept trying (and trying and trying...) And that's the lie we were told and clung to isn't it?  That one day we would get to that place where we would be loved and accepted by those who abuse(d) us, but of course we couldn't.  And that's so hard to accept, the reality of the lie.

stacey

Thanks for the link, Kizzie. Nice to know there's peeps here who blog. I had a blog for eight years and loved the whole experience. I've recently begun another one about CPTSD actually. Blogging is so good when you have a community going, and good for writing experience as well, sitting in front of that empty box thinking you don't have anything to say and then an hour later having proved yourself wrong

steamy

I like what Kizzie said " I could actually become perfect if only I jut kept trying (and trying and trying...) And that's the lie we were told and clung to isn't it? "  This is so true, there's a popular meme running around social media that quotes a line from the Rocky movie, where Stallone says something like "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

Isn't that just what we have been doing all these years? Getting knocked down, getting up and moving forward, being optimistic that tomorrow we will wake up and people will like us,accept us and love us so that we can live the vision of ideal lives that we have stored in our heads? 

I have reached a point where I am unsure that that ideal is achievable in my lifetime and that I am running out of options, I need to get up and move forward but I am unsure exactly how to do it.

Mybeautifulabuser

Ah steamy I remember that part in Rocky so well it really stuck in my head the last time I saw it.  That's how winning is done!

Hey guys. I clicked on this thread because I'm always feeling like an imposter, like I don't belong, and often find myself trying to squeeze myself into what people want me to be and feeling like they will all find out how much of a terrible, worthless person I am if I don't keep it up. I find in my relationships and also as a mum I am constantly berating myself. If only I had done this or not said that. With the kids it's more that I want to give them the perfect childhood, which is never going to be possible and agony when I fall short. With my partner it is just part of the abuse and he capitalises on it massively, twisting everything into, my fault, my fault, my fault....and of course I believe him.

Stacey, I am a writer, although it's a long time since I sent anything to an editor.  Any Rejection is horrible especially if you have been thoroughly rejected as a child in need of nurture and unconditional love. I wonder what it would feel like to let go of the ideas of success and failure and write simply for the sake of it? The chances are, the less you think about whether it's gonna be 'good' or not, the more real and powerful your unhindered voice will be?  With the blog I find it is saving me from desperate states of mind, so whilst I sometimes read it and think yes I like that sentence or turn of phrase, I am so grateful for the magic of the creative process for giving me a way out that I thankfully don't mind too much how it comes out.

R x       www.mybeautifulabuser.com

Mybeautifulabuser

By the way Stacey thanks for your encouragement it really, really heartens me and helps me keep going every time I am reminded that there are thousands of us out there fighting the same battle

:hug:

Cocobird

I've always felt like an imposter -- a lot. I think the worst time was when I was working in a corporate environment, where I had to be careful. Any time I said something real -- a lot of people gave me very funny looks.

stacey

You're most welcome, R  :hug:

I have just started blogging again the last few days and remember now what a heartening and encouraging thing it is to do. No need to worry about whether th3 editor will accept your idea (I got my first rejection for the year yesterday. It was most encouraging, and invited me to submit again to the editor's own email address. But instead of being heartened by that it just made me want to sink into the earth. I feel like writing is my only way out of this space I find myself in where my partner is paying for everything and I have 7 bucks in the bank cos it's the only thing I want to do and only thing I feel like I can do. I have chronic health issues and need to keep it flexible. Writing would give that to me. Unfortunately im putting all my eggs into a creaking, overflowing basket in an age where everyone thinks they're a writer and everyone else expects you to write for free.

Anyway. Gee, I'm so whingey at the moment :(

Cocobird I totally get what you mean! People in corporate environments really don't want too much reality to come into their work relations, do they? Gotta keep that shiny robotic exterior going!