I am not okay. Possible Triggers

[KayFly]

Recently I got a massage at a massage parlor with my boyfriend, and was touched inappropriately, and didn't say anything until after the massage, when I burst into tears (after the predator had left the room)  I proceeded to file a report with the police, and the Massage Council of my state, and also spoke with the owner (who tried to downplay it, but ended up firing the guy).

I recently called the police investigations unit to make sure they were investigating the matter since I didn't want to let that guy get away with hurting anyone else. Also I wanted to get my money refunded from that place, which didn't happen.

Today the Deputy Sheriff called me while I was at school and told me they can't help with the money part and I would have to file a civil law suit, but that they are investigating, its just much harder since I didn't say anything during the massage and waited until after (it looks like I could have made it up to DA, etc).  He asked me "Why didn't you do anything when you were being touched inappropriately at the time?"

When he asked me this, just about an hour ago, I was standing outside my classroom for the 3rd and final class of the day/week, and I said "Because I was molested by my parents, and I didn't know how. This is what happens to adults who are abused in their childhood."

Then I lost it. I've lost it. I missed class. I cried the whole way home. I feel like I don't even know how to protect myself as an adult. I feel embarrassed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm so devastated and I just got sober, and usually I just get high or drunk to numb all this pain out, but now I feel it, but my boyfriend is in India, and I feel so all alone and I feel so little, and angry and sad and unheard. I'm just not okay.

The whole way home I just wanted to do something to make the pain go away. Anything. but I have come so far, and I don't want to ruin it. I can't contain my emotional state right now because I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family even though they were so terrible to me, and they are the reason that this is all happening to me. THis isn't my fault 

I just needed to be heard

[woodsgnome]

KayFly,

You wrote: "I'm just not okay." I don't think any one of us could feel okay following what you've gone through. Something else you said contains what you need to know—you're not going back on what you've worked so hard to find. Your words speak loud and clear on that score: "I have come so far, and I don't want to ruin it. I can't contain my emotional state right now".

Trouble is, it probably hurts more, right now, precisely because you are on that new path you've created. The hurt isn't your fault, and the spark to react as you have shows that this incident will not stop your progress. It's too valuable to lose what you've gained.

You haven't ruined a thing. The circumstances you describe are truly awful, but you're still doing the best, maybe better, than many could with this situation. If you weren't devastated by this, it might indicate something was indeed wrong. It's an emotional hit but it doesn't alter your hard-earned path.

What you share on this site is a testament to everything that's not just okay, but wonderful about you. Thank you for being here. 

[KayFly]

Aww thanks woodsgnome 

I have tears pouring down my face. Thank you also for being here.

I really appreciate how much you just validated my situation, and how you reminded me that I have worked really hard to get where I am, that these feelings are normal, hard, but that it's not my fault that I am in this pain. That is huge. Sometimes I feel so crazy.

You are so observant and supportive and kind. You really have a way with your words too Thank you again for being here. It means a lot, especially in these times when we need the most support. It's important. I feel better now.

[woodsgnome]

Can I add just a little anecdote? Just after I sent you the post above, an awesome deer strolled out of the woods by the window from where this computer is. It seemed special, how that happened at that moment..and I think it was. So maybe the deer was just adding its own message for you. Let me interpret what I think it was trying to say....

                        



                               

[KayFly]

I love that. I always feel safe when I see deer. They are just so delicate and sensitive.

Give the deer a hug for me lol

[fairyslipper]

Kayfly  :hug:I am so sorry that you had to experience something like this. Your feelings are completely understandable and normal for having gone through what you did. It was very brave of you to come here and share after it happened. You are so right this is NOT your fault. All the work and healing you have done is something to be very proud of. I sure hope they get that guy and he gets what he deserves. I feel the Sheriff's question was kind of out of line. Making a comment at the time could have put you in more danger. You did the right thing. I see so much courage in the way you handled it. 

[KayFly]

Thanks you fairyslipper 

[Widdiful Falling]

I hope you're feeling better today. That's a horrible thing to have gone through. I think you're really strong for sticking to your path. 

Many, many 

[KayFly]

Hey thanks Widdiful Falling.  i do feel much better today. Thank you for saying I am strong Yesterday was very hard. But I feel strong.

I actually filled a lawsuit in Small Claims court against the company today. That felt good.  I think I've got a lot on my side. And it's empowering, just to even try, even if I didn't get it.  But what I asked for was more than reasonable. And like I said, a lot of the evidence and everything is all on my side. It all speaks for itself.

Southbound. I think that the Deputy who called me, totally believed me, even though he asked that question, and the answer to my question, as my T pointed out, is a very important thing for Law Enforcement to know. It's huge. They should know that, whether or not you are coming from a past of sexual abuse or any other kind of trauma, many people wouldn't say anything in that position, because being touched inappropriately while in a massage is hard to identify and is confusing at times.

The police officer who took the report believed me, the Deputy Sheriff believed me, both investigators believe me, and there is evidence on paper that shows the owner trying to downplay the situation...So Who knows how many other people he had done it to? I want to make it very difficult for him to ever be in that place of power again, and I am sure that is precisely what will happen. And that business is going to get hit hard. What the * kind of hiring process? I don't even care. Not my problem anymore. I'm done.

[katzy]

Bravo!

[arpy1]

Kayfly, u r amazing. hope you can feel  proud at the way u r handling this horrible incident. it's a testament to the work you have done over the years that you are in a place to be able to tackle it, becos, believe me, it's a biggie many would not cope with.  serious respect to you.   

[KayFly]

Thanks so much   

[Butterfly]

I just want to offer a virtual hug to you

[KayFly]

Thank you Butterfly. Right back atcha 

[tired]

My guess:  It gets easier to say no once you try it a few times.  over time you practice it in many different situations.  For me it was partly about not feeling like I had the option to say no to anything. Partly just freezing in my tracks. 

Taking control a bit at a time was key for me and it meant that I had to seriously not care about a lot of people.  I don't mean bad people necessarily just regular people who wanted something I couldn't give. Eventually it carried over into dating situations and I was surprised to find out (eventually) that saying no was super easy and I didn't care about the feelings of the other person. I was in situations where one would feel sort of obligated to continue if you catch my drift and I would say I don't want to do this anymore. The guy would be surprised and mad or whatever and I didn't care.  I guess it could have turned out to be dangerous. Something in my head clicked and I realized no one would help me ever except me which really is something I decided when I was 9.  Maybe it's a matter of coming full circle.  I was right the first time.