I am not okay. Possible Triggers

[KayFly]

So once again, I am not okay because of this situation.

I reported the sexual battery to the local police department, and to the Massage Council therapy, who are both investigating the massage parlor and masseuse who was using his power to be abusive during my massage.  These are good things, that it is being investigated.

But I asked the owner of the business to refund the money for the massage, and she never did.  I have proof that is in police evidence of her confirmation via email saying she would pay for it. It's only $109 in the big scheme of things, but I'm freaking out.

I filed a small claims court suit for the money plus an extra $800 for damages (trauma, therapy costs), but I got the paperwork back saying I filled it out all wrong, and that stack of papers, although it should be an easy thing, is driving me into an insane EF right now.

I'm all over the place. I feel like I have been in an EF for 3 days. I don't want to file the paperwork anymore, so I gave the stupid lady a chance and told her that if I don't see the refund to my card in 2 weeks, she will hear from small claims court. But some part of me feels bad for not fighting harder. I'm on the brink of tears.  I have fought so hard. Maybe this is just my inner critic beating me up.

My sweet partner, said just give her the warning, and don't worry about the paperwork for now, because it's not worth the stress. This rang true so I tried to let it go. But then when I sent the email out, the "final warning" I all of a sudden was not okay again.

Trigger Warning

I was molested by both mom and dad, so this might actually be a giant emotional flashback into that helpless feeling as a little girl.

The thing is like, I have homework to do. I have a life to take care of and a lot of external stress as well as all this stuff, and it's like I refuse to work on anything I need to because I'm just so upset and nothing I do is helping me find ease. Maybe it's time to dive into Pete Walker's book and take a bath.

I just needed to vent about this. Like I don't know anything about suing people. And contacting that owner again made me feel unsafe and there is all just too much going on. It's weird. I can't even cry. I just feel panicked.

[arpy1]

this EF sounds like a real biggie this time, dear Kayfly. and i reckon you're doing all the right things, self-soothing, choosing which battle to fight, venting. you are really quite amazing even tho this is so acute.  just wanted to say that to encourage you. 

hope the flashing back passes soon so you can settle back down and feel safe again.  many  and lots of esteem and support to you

[KayFly]

I wrote the stupid owner an email giving her a second chance to refund the money before I take it to small claims court. I thought I was doing her a pretty big solid, instead of going after her for damages.

She replied saying that I am harassing her, threatening her, and that the state dropped the case, and that it actually never happened, and I'm just a liar.

So now I am in an EF of being sexually abused by my family, and them denying all of it. Telling me it didn't happen.

I'm too weak to care about the courts or the money. But I know for a fact that the investigation is still open with the police, so she is wrong there, and I sent her hurtful email to the Massage Council investigator.

I can't stop crying and am missing the 2nd day of school in the past week due to stress and not being able to manage my emotions. I'm absolutely broken right now. I'm going to lay in bed for the rest of the day because everything I try to do is too much 

[arpy1]

i think you did exactly the right thing forwarding her nasty reply to the massage council investigator. you have neither harassed nor threatened her, you have done nothing wrong. she is in the wrong and she is not being truthful,  she is squirming on the hook.

sleep and rest and caring for yourself is exactly the right thing to do as well. school will still be there when you are well again so no need to worry about it.

this is really hard, KF, give yourself time. much support and many 

[KayFly]

Thanks so much Arpy.

I know I'm in the right. It just doesn't take away the pain.

Denying someone s reality is truly one of the worst things a person could do to another.

I want to retaliate but in truth, it's that person's Karma they have to face.

[KayFly]

Thank you Southbound.

She triggered a wound so deep I will certainly be taking the day off but I'm considering dropping out of school and destructive things because I don't know how to cope with this.

If I take a few weeks off, I'm bound to fail the term. So I might as well drop out.

It's crazy how one statement can hurt a person to the point where they.don't wish.to live their life. I know im not crazy, but in my experience,

Having family is dangerous, friends are emotionally unsafe, school is too much, and I can't keep a job. So I really just want to drop out of life

[arpy1]

i'm with southbound on this one, KF, you are the most important part of the whole school or not school question. i wouldn't try to make a decision for a few days,but maybe wait till your emotional dust settles a little bit? then you'll be in a better place to decide what is really going to benefit you the most.  for now, i'm thinkin that just taking some quality cave-time and licking your wounds and waiting for your head to get back on, is what's needful.

 

[Dutch Uncle]

Southbound and arpy1 have already said it all. The owner is wiggling and squirming.
You're not harassing her, she's renegading on a promise, off course you have called her out on it.

[KayFly]

Thanks guys. I've been in EFs all day. I have to accept this isn't in my hands anymore. There is no lawsuit and it's being investigated. I don't have to do anything except take care of me. It's hardly about what's happened here. I mean it traumatized me again, but it really just takes me back to when it was a lot worse.

I don't want this to knock me off of the progress I've made in school. I'm going to try persevere. I don't want to make any rash decisions I will regret. So I wrote all my teachers and let them know I'm going through a lot at home so they can work with me if I decide to finish out the term.

I appreciate you all being there and for good advice and for reminding me I'm not the bad person in this situation. I just had to bear the pain of calling them out 

[KayFly]

Lol good idea Southbound

Haha. I will wait until I get my head back on for sure Arps

Thank you sooo much for all the support guys 

Feeling much better tonight after a long day

[I like vanilla]

Kayfly,

What a horrible set of events! Sending good energy thoughts.

I am hesitant to offer advice, because I am not in your shoes and have only limited information about your circumstances. I do, however, have a lot of experience in academia. I have also noticed you seem concerned about managing your schoolwork load while also going through all of this (an entirely reasonable concern). In my experience, most schools (including post-secondary), at least where I am (again hesitant because I am not sure of your circumstances) have support systems in place for students going through 'major life events' (e.g. accidents, deaths in the family, being the victim of a crime, etc.). Your situation would fit into this type of support system.

If you are very concerned about keeping up with (or not being able to keep up with) your school work load on top of your current situation, you might wish to consider seeing if you school has this type of support. A short 'I am going through some unhappy life events that are affecting my school work, please tell me about policies and systems that can help me' email or phone call to student services, student counselling, or a similar office would likely help you to figure out the process. A friend is also usually allowed to contact your school and ask on your behalf, at least for the initial inquiries.Generally at the start you can stay that general. it is likely you would need to give more details if you choose to go forward, though sometimes a more general note from your T works; similarly to an MD saying 'this person has a physical ailment and cannot go to school for x days, the T writes 'this person is going through a particular situation and requires accommodation from the school' without outlining all of the details - you would have confidentiality privileges either way, though some schools require more details than others).

Again, this is just 'I have information that might help you' thoughts. I am putting them here because I have seen a number of students going through unhappy life events who do not know that there are supports and policies in place for them. Please follow-up on, take some and leave some, or completely ignore these thoughts as they best suit (or don't suit) your situation, your needs, what you know about your school and its policies, and what you decide is best for you not matter what else is going on.

Either way, I am still sending good energy thoughts to you.

[missbliss]

One of the last places on earth I would enter would be a massage parlour - for anything. Just saying. There are places that should come with warning signs. These are places that are rife with sexual misconduct and employees with mixed signals.

[I like vanilla]

One of the last places on earth I would enter would be a massage parlour - for anything. Just saying. There are places that should come with warning signs. These are places that are rife with sexual misconduct and employees with mixed signals.

Some places are a problem. However, many are fine. As with any type of business, even in the good places you have a chance of coming across a bad apple. E.g. the finest restaurant can be fooled by a lousy waiter (at least temporarily, which is similar to the masseuse that Kayfly had the misfortune to encounter - the massage place did fire him. I suspect that they are now denying it all only to try and avoid liability issues).

Kayfly had the misfortune of coming across one of these bad apples. She had no way of knowing this would happen and cannot be blamed for wanting to enjoy a massage. It is a shame that it happened to her - was done to her. (actually, more than a shame but I lack the big enough word at the moment). However, there is no shame or blame to be attributed to her for trying this activity. I feel angry on Kayfly's behalf and sympathetic toward her. I also feel respect for her that she went for the massage in the first place. For many of us that type of activity can difficult, especially those of us who experienced CSA. I know my first visit to a spa for a massage was initially terrifying.* If my sisters had not been with me, I might have chickened out.

Personally, I now see going for a massage as a form of self care. I have gone for massages where I used to lived. I continue to go to a place close to where I am now. I am fortunate that I have never had to deal with the type of creep that Kayfly encountered, and suspect I likely would have responded in the same 'delayed response' type of way. However, I have gone to the current place several times and while I know that there is a chance that I might come across a creep, I also have experienced many benefits from getting a massage. So, personally, I will continue to go.




*Kayfly, if you are reading this, my apologies for speaking about you in the 3rd person. Please read 'you' when I say 'she' and 'her'. I really do feel that  you had every right to go for a massage and to want to do something nice for yourself. I also very sincerely believe - know - that the blame lies entirely on the creep that did this to you, compounded by the ignorant people you have to deal with since.