dad coming to town today, need encouragement

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theaquarist

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dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« on: September 09, 2016, 09:24:23 PM »
After a blitz of trauma after trauma within 6 short months when I was 22, I moved home with my parents to find respite. I thought it would be really good for me, that I would finally learn how to get rid of the patterns that contribute to people abusing me...
I was wrong.
My dad became the villain in my life, as soon as I moved in. He would listen to my needs of what triggers were uncontrollable for me, I would emphasize that him being male made it a delicate situation for me and that I really needed him to come through for me and help me.
I was open with my parents after a few weeks about what had happened to me in my college town. It was bad. I told them details and my feelings. My entire sense of security was dead from what had happened. I wanted to heal. I went to therapy full time.
For some reason, the information I shared wasn't enough for my dad. He ended up looking for, and reading, my journal I had kept for 5 years.
He has always been a snoop and a shaming one at that. But this shook me to my core, and nothing has been the same.
I decided when I found out that he read my journal that despite the damage it did to me, that I would make it my chance to Come Out as gay.
It was well received despite their cult religion that discriminates against gay people. I held my parents to accept this about me, because after all he had been the one who snooped and made it be known.

I haven't spent time alone with him since then. I miss the dad I thought I had. I am still in denial that he doesn't exist.
He is coming into town TONIGHT and doing a triathlon close to where I live.
I don't want to flake out because I always do... for the last 7 years. I have missed so many moments, celebrations, gatherings, trips, etc etc etc due to my anxiety about how my FOO is. Typing this out, I wonder where I even have a source for being able to handle them. I mostly cannot.  :fallingbricks:
I'll be camping by the triathlon location tonight with my dad and his friend. I'll see the triathlon in the morning, then spend the day with my dad. Trying to not entertain the need for his validation or his approval.

I woke up with a heavy stone where my heart is. I had a grumpy morning and am wondering, am I asking for trouble?

What tools can I use to get through 24 hours with him, and prove that I'm capable of being a person who doesn't need his love OR his b******t?
If the answer is that I cannot, please tell me. I fear I am walking into the lion's den. :Idunno:

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Three Roses

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Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2016, 01:59:37 AM »
I have no words of wisdom for you. Just be true to yourself - if you don't need his b.s., then call him on it. Or, float mindfully above your emotions the whole time you're there. Or, don't go (you don't need to justify yourself for not wanting to spend your time lending support to someone who invades your privacy, demolishes your boundaries and has such little regard for your feelings).

Whatever you decide you want to do, just know our best wishes for peace and healing go with you.

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sanmagic7

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Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2016, 02:44:51 AM »
i agree with 3roses.  you don't have to be anywhere where you're not valued. 

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2Spirits

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Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2016, 06:19:26 PM »
Hi theAquarist!
You don't have to proof anything to someone else, I guess... I found out I created a lot of difficult situations for myself when I was trying to prove something.
I had (and have) to go into situations where there was a good chance of the situation being too much for me. It helped me to take deep breaths, do nothing and just feel myself, center myself, spend myself empathy for finding it difficult or overwhelming. I prefer my FOO thinking I act a bit strange (they do anyway, no matter how I behave) over losing control over myself.


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theaquarist

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Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2016, 10:43:37 PM »
ThreeRoses & sanmagic: your responses helped me feel more grounded before he got into town. I felt a lot better to think about it much more simply. Thank you both for quick responses and your honesty.

2spirits: I've never been very apt at being my self around the FOO. They always say just be yourself, and sometimes that makes it worse to hear it from them. To hear it from a fellow on this board makes it feel safer. Thank you for your encouragement :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2016, 10:54:17 PM »
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: