All hoovers after going NC with DramaSis and DramaMama. Will it ever end?

[sanmagic7]

if it looks like hoovering, if it sounds like hoovering, if it feels like hoovering, it is hoovering.

that being said, if you indeed see no contact as the best way to deal with your sister, then any contact, no matter how short and sweet, is no longer no contact.   no contact is something to decide on, then stick to, or it only feeds the narcissist more attention, more narcissistic supply.  the npd NEEDS attention in order to feel his or her own existence.  as long as you give the npd any attention, you are giving him/her what s/he wants and needs.  do you want to continue enabling your sister to have this abusive relationship with you?  it's up to you.  she won't change, and anything you give her will be used against you.  but, you already know this.  so, if you want to make it final, that you don't want to hear from her anymore, that's up to you.  a simple 'i don't want to hear from you anymore' will do.  explanations will make no difference.  if you want to leave things as they are but continue in no contact, then you don't have to respond to her.  that message is a bunch of gobbledygook - to try to make sense of the senseless is futility.  i've had to cut my daughter off, it's been a year, and it's been very difficult.  last month was the one-year anniversary, and it sent me into a tizzy from which i'm still working my way out of.  but, when i told her i didn't want to hear from her anymore, i meant it.  she continued to send me emails, so i blocked her.  i don't go to her facebook page - why would i want to re-stress myself in that way?  and, i think that's a large part of the question.  it's been a major change to begin living without the drama, without the bad feelings about myself, without the worry, without the 'trying to please', without puttng so much of my energy in her direction.  but, the farther away i get from what had been, the relationship i had with her, the more i am able to do other, better things for myself.  i now have more energy for me and the relationships that are healthy and strong and caring and supportive.  and, i wish that type of strength and energy for you as well.  there are ups and downs, of course, but everything is clearer now, and for that i'm grateful, and glad i'm staying away.  trust your gut.  it always knows what's best for you. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you, sanmagic7.

so, if you want to make it final, that you don't want to hear from her anymore, that's up to you.  a simple 'i don't want to hear from you anymore' will do.  explanations will make no difference.  if you want to leave things as they are but continue in no contact, then you don't have to respond to her. 

Yes, I know all that. But as you may have seen, since my opening post the Flying Monkeys have arrived.
In force.
Well, they are pretty week, but they have arrived in droves.    Which gives them ample 'combined strength'. 

More to the point:
Today the predictable other shoe dropped: a hoover mail by sis. 

So I'm now faced, again, with the choice:
Do I respond? Which even if I make this an "It's over" reply, with very little if any JADE, it will still feed into her 'supply'.
Or do I keep still?
One reason to reply would be that last weekend she has wiggled herself in between me and Enabler Dad on his birthday, and I don't want that. So replying (without mentioning my upset about that! Obviously! (Well, not at all obvious if she wasn't uHPD )) could 'kill' that. On the other hand... Ammo for DramaSis.

I already wrote two drafts. The first one full of JADE.
The second one much less already. Better. I simply edited out what I thought would expose my weaknesses and be used against me.
That didn't change the overall message I want to send, in fact it made it stronger, more to the point, so #1 JADE-draft is a no-go. Good.

But do I dare to bet on my suspicion that Enabler Dad is fed up as well after this*, and no matter what I do now, this has been her last "Flying Monkey" attempt?
*) I'm pretty sure Dad has seen he failed (I left regardless after all), and that his 'failure' had at least as much to do with DramaSis drawing him in on 'fabrications' (e.g. claiming she doesn't know "what's wrong", yet not having asked ME what was wrong... That fact didn't sit well with dad, I got the impression... (NB: Dad is uAspergers, so how on earth will I be able to 'read' what sits well with dad or not...)) than it had to do with any perceived 'stubbornness to make amends" on my part...

I'll let this simmer for a week more at least.
Input welcome.
Last week I read through the whole thread as well, and there is still a lot of valuable feedback I loved.
So, today I know I'll do that again. And not just once. 

[sanmagic7]

for one thing, i appreciate your dilemma.  for another,  i can see you want it two ways - to get a message through to your sister (as in, having her hear you), but also wanting her to change (not wanting her to get in between you and your dad).  unfortunately, i don't see either of those happening.  jade is gobbledygook to npd's.  it just doesn't make sense to them.  and, all it does, like you noted, is gives them ammo toward you.  if you decide to respond, it may be in your best interest to kiss - keep it simple, sweetie - , and the simpler the better.  nothing personal - that's all ammo.  as far as not wanting her to insinuate herself between you and dad, well, that is just what npd's do.  they gather an army around them against us.  and, we can't stop that.  i know that from experience.  you may want to question yourself about whether you really are teetering on the edge of the fence because you don't really feel ready to let go yet.  nothing wrong with that, it's just not time yet, for you right now.  i do believe that whatever it is we do is the right thing for us to do at that particular moment.  breaking these bonds is very difficult.  give yourself a break.  take a break from it.  maybe you'll want to talk to your therapist before you take any action.  you have so many options with this.  so many ways to look at it.  it can definitely be confusing.   one question i've come to ask myself frequently before doing or saying something is 'how will this benefit my life?'  it's opened my eyes more times than i can say.  best to you with this. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I'll post my 'draft as it is' here.

Any comments welcome.
They will be taken into account/consideration.

I don't think it's necessary, or even useful, to try to translate/post sis's "hoover" here. Many of you know what they are like, and there are a couple of references to her mail in my reply.
Her hoover-mail wasn't that long anyway, and void of 'content'.


No, [first name],

I have no want to meet you in [the city I live in].

I've heard nothing of you the last year. Except a so-called invitation to your birthday-party with the caveat: "Something is blocking me to just invite you". Not very inviting.
And now you write: "I heard from dad that our communication has been unclear and things have gone wrong."

The communication between us has been clear enough as far as I'm concerned: in your communication to me you regularly make clear that according to you something is amiss in our communication. What is amiss you don't say. You want to have a meet. Well [first name], not an appealing offer at all. And so I decline.

This is the way it's been for years now. You say.
Not me.
You.
That this is the way it's been for years, that's what you have been telling me for years as well.
You make it abundantly clear. No misunderstanding there.

'Things' are bothering you a lot.
Do you clear it up? No.
Do you tell me what's bothering you? No.
[my first name] has to come up with a proposition how 'we' can deal with "what's bothering you".

That is what constitutes as you making contact with me.

I don't want these "meetings" anymore. Where I'm told whatever is bothering you about me this time. You've made that clear already, I don't need the be told again. I got it already.
I don't think that's "good contact". And so I don't want it.
To say we have had that much contact where no "this is bothering me" has surfaced... No, [first name].

Don't call anymore, don't write anymore, don't mail me anymore, don't visit, etc.
(exception: if it's urgent. I'll do the same.)
[I'm alalluding to the funerals of both our parents here.]
So long. Perhaps the next time we meet there will not be something "bothering you".
That would be nice.
That meeting will be one that's driven by circumstances neither of us have any control of.
Apart from that I'm done with meetings and contact.

[my first name]

edit: I have already scrapped a lot more. As indicated. I'll leave it up is it (was) for self reference. Since it sums up pretty well how I feel about it. AND how I think about it.
I'll also remove all the bolding I originally intended.
Still not sure about sending anything. But it's tempting.

[Dutch Uncle]

for one thing, i appreciate your dilemma.  for another,  i can see you want it two ways - to get a message through to your sister (as in, having her hear you), but also wanting her to change (not wanting her to get in between you and your dad).  unfortunately, i don't see either of those happening.

No. Not really. Or is it: really not?
I don't want her to hear me. It's talking to deaf ears. I went NC a bit over a year ago. Above all else: I don't want to hear her anymore! 
Not even via the Flying Monkeys.
But I have to take that up with them (if even that). Not DramaSis. I don't want her even to know I'm bothered by her Flying Monkeys! (which I am  )

No, I've given up on the idea I could change her, or even the whole dysfunctional family dynamic. I dare say I have even given up on wanting that. Which is different to "longing" for that, I guess.
Or so I definitely experience. I crave for it, but I have given up on "wanting" it.

you may want to question yourself about whether you really are teetering on the edge of the fence because you don't really feel ready to let go yet.

Good question.
Answer: I'm ready to let go. I even have let go.
I'm not ready yet to let go of uAsperger's dad.
I'm ready to let go of Enabler Dad though. And I have. Trouble is, they are both one person. Will he be able to 'split' the two?
Nothing I have any influence over... I can only wait and see. And act accordingly.

[tesscaline]

The way I see it, expressing any emotion whatsoever is giving her what she desires -- a reaction from you.

If it were me, I would clearly state my boundary, clearly state what the consequences of breaking that boundary are, and do it in the least emotional, most detached way possible while still remaining polite.

So, perhaps I would say something like:

Dear <sister's name>,

I'm sorry, but I will not be meeting you now, nor in the future, in <city> or elsewhere.

While I would love for us to have a healthy relationship, it has become clear to me that you are unwilling to engage me with the respect necessary to make that happen.  So it is with regret that I must request that you cease contacting me in any way, shape, or form. 

Please do not call me, do not write to me, and do not visit me.

If you cannot honor my wishes on this matter, I will take action to enforce no-contact between the two of us that may include, but is not limited to, <what sort of things you'd do if she broke the boundary -- perhaps block her phone number, block her email address, file a restraining order with the courts, have police remove her from your residence, whatever it is that seems appropriate to you that you absolutely will follow through on> . 

Signed,
<name>

[Dutch Uncle]

Tempting... Very tempting...

Thanks. Into the stew it goes.
I made a vow to myself to let it simmer for at least the time it took her to 'bait'/hoover me.
So that's... friday to wednesday ---> Monday.
No sooner, maybe later.

[tesscaline]

Taking your time and really thinking about it before you reply is definitely a good idea

I know my "template" is a bit on the bold side.  I know that I've just found that giving too much explanation to an abuser gives them more ammo, not less, and feeds the cycle. 

I'd point out that if the end goal really is to not see or talk to her, you have control over whether or not that happens.  Even your edited message seems to be trying to control her behavior, or, rather, get her to control her own behavior.  And that's kind of futile, though it's a natural inclination.  Deep down, I think we all want to be able to trust our family members to treat us with respect and honor our boundaries -- and even help us protect them from other people's breaches of them.   But, sometimes, that's just not a realistic desire.  And, given all you've said about your situation, it doesn't sound like something that's likely to happen here, no matter how hard you try.

So, the other option is to just, well, not reply at all.  Sure, it's polite to reply, and it's polite to state your boundaries, what the consequences are, and give someone a chance to follow them.  But if someone's not shown themselves to be trustworthy about respecting boundaries?  You don't need to be polite.  Sometimes just ceasing contact on your own is enough to send the message. 

That's how I've handled things with my mother (uNPD).  I didn't inform her of my boundaries before enforcing them.  I didn't list off the consequences.  I knew that doing that would just incite criticism from her, more boundary violation, more attempts to undermine me and manipulate me.  So I just stopped talking to her unless it was absolutely necessary.  I only responded to emails that were necessary (i.e. family business that required my input).  I would answer her phone calls, in case it was something family business/emergency related, but the moment I didn't like the conversation I said I had to go and hung up.  I ignore her texts, if they're not urgent.  Now, when I do talk to her, she's much more reserved about how she speaks to me, and tends to keep things civil.  If she ever slips, I say I have to go and hang up.  I haven't seen her, face to face, in 5 years.  And I don't plan on changing that any time soon, barring some sort of death in the family or something else catastrophic happening. 

It was hard to do, at first.  I felt like a horrible person, not doing the "polite" thing by replying, or staying on the phone.  But I wasn't being a horrible person.  I was protecting myself from an abuser.  Realizing how much happier and stable I was, not talking to her, helped make maintaining that boundary on my own easier, and I feel a lot less bad about it now. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you very much for sharing your personal experience as well.

So far I've been down the road like you are with your uNPD mother. And I may continue to do so.
On the other hand, perhaps a full NC is what I need/want.
I did realize today how violated I am by the combo Enabler Dad & sis.
So I need to re-assess my contact with Dad too. He tricked me into this, he knows very well I stopped contacting sis.
The whole family dynamic is sick. Nobody respects anybody's boundaries. Perhaps NC with all is what's in store. I wrote an angry (draft) letter to dad as well. Telling him that the 1-on-1 meet we agreed on has been violated, and I now cannot trust he won't drag sis into any meet I have with him, even IF it's clearly 'branded' as 1-on-1...

I feel calmer now, but had a rough day. Reminded myself of a thought I had about 18 months ago: "She can have him." That helped. Why on earth AM I putting up with these folks that don't have any respect for anyone's boundaries? And to a large extend have no respect for their own either?

To dad I want to say (though I won't  ): "I'm not going to have a relationship with sis like you have with your ex-wife, who 15 years after she has divorced you, still nags you about the relationship you had and have with her." Which is true.
And sis has a 40-year-long nagging, horrible relationship with 'mom' as well. They both nag each other to pieces, they tear each other to threads. Then there's bro who want's to quit his marriage for 10 years or more now, but is in the very same dynamic as we have grown up with: A relationship is there to nag endlessly, while claiming and pretending to "work on it", to have a "good relationship."
So there's four other people who are going for the "lifetime achievement award" for nagging and "working on it", and they use and feed on each other to achieve this. Who am I fooling I can have any sort of healthy relationship with any of them? There's always one who'll support another nagging a third party. It's what we do.

"They can have each other" is probably the healthiest attitude to take. And get the * out of there.
In that sense, possibly a letter you drafted won't help either. But since other approaches don't work...
Hmmm... I might. It can't possibly get any worse.

Dad, oh dad. What did you drag me into now?
I know: In your own marriage.
His dead-marriage.
His Zombie-Marriage. 
Good grief. Dad the necromancer.

I'm out for a walk. To a peaceful pond nearby.

edited to add:
Well, that was a nice calming walk and sit by the pond.
The prospect of not doing anything is getting really appealing as well.
I'm reminded of a plan I had to "remain the Invisible Child" in my FOO, and be "visible" outside that enmeshed mess.
I'm also reminded of what I've read somewhere on boundaries, along the lines of: "When we start working on developing healthy boundaries, we tend to think: 'When I'm done with this, nobody will ever trespass on my by boundaries again, ever'. The truth is that sometime, somewhere, somebody will trespass on our boundaries again. There's no such thing as 'never again'."

And so, probably this Boundary-Busting-Babe will continue to trespass on my boundaries again, and again, and again, on every opportunity she sees. And Enabler Dad might well continue to enable. He's a Boundary-Busting-Bert* himself. (*Think Bert from Sesame-street. Dad's name starts with a B as well  ) Writing her or not, it will most likely make no difference at all.
So, I handled the boundary violations pretty well in the moment itself. The EF's only overwhelmed me now, with this mail. A sort of delayed fuse. That's progress.
And I knew this would happen, the other shoe would drop. I was actually surprised it took her so long.

So, the jury is still out, as I avowed.
But now I feel pressure to make a decision on deciding "not to", 

Lets just say folks, dear folks on OOTS:
If I will not post here on what I've written her, then I will not have contacted her at all, nor my dad, nor any of the other enmeshed-FOO-naggers on this subject.

Which reminds me of a cartoon: Two characters laying on the couch like 16-year-olds do, and saying "The trouble with doing nothing / is that you never know when you're done." 

Ah, here it is. Caption: Fokke & Sukke got problems of their own:


Edited to add some more:
I've read through the whole thread again. Very reassuring. And I want to say thanks again for all the support that's been given to me here the last 4+ months.
I'm much calmer now, and even had a few bouts of roaring laughter about it all. The idea of not responding makes me feel relaxed, while I got very tense yesterday while contemplating a reply. I think it just throws me into a massive and all-consuming EF.
So I think I should honor that:
- thinking about ignoring it all: I feel relaxed.
- thinking about writing her: I feel stressed out beyond measure.

Lets see how reminding myself the coming days of "nah, just leave it as it is." will hold up, relaxing-wise.

edited to add, again (I do this to avoid spamming the "most recent post" thingy with my continuous issue)
For my own reference when she'll again Hoover me (almost a certain thing):
Hoovers: Don't Let the Crazy Suck You Back In
(I have by now so many bookmarks on all kind of crazy FOO stuff, it's hard to find the right one for he right situation. Now I have this at the relevant OOTS thread.)

[Dutch Uncle]

OK. I have found some more comfort to stick to my NC with sis, and not to let that be undermined by the Triangulation / Divide & Conquer that clearly is going on here.
Whether Enabler-Dad was manipulated by DramaSis to do this (i.e. a Flying Monkey), or that he started to Enable of how own accord doesn't really matter. What matters is that this is a triangulation. From the start I have done my best to avoid this from happening by telling Dad & Bro about my NC with DramaSis a year ago, told them why (=(emotional) Blackmail) and gave them a choice in hearing the full story (i.e. the details of the blackmail, and my argumentation why it is blackmail) or not. Bro wanted to know, dad not.
Equally valid choices, I respect and accept them both.
I took that action on advice from the Strained Family Relationships; When To Cut The Ties article, which stated:

#7 When applicable, talk to other family members about your situation, and let them know this person in particular and yourself will not be having as much contact, if any. Briefly explain and don't back down.

I only did this after I had run out of options after having done (consciously) #1 to 6 over the course of at least a year, most probably two, and then I'm discounting the many, many times I unsuccessfully upheld my boundaries, and fell for the Intermittent Reinforcement Trap. Still, those years count too in the Grand Scheme of all this.

The triangulation is evident since I made the 'talk' I had a year ago an announcement, a "this is not up for discussion", a "this is now a boundary" kind of talk, with the only 'option' for them to ask questions to get better informed. So the talk with my bro was long (he had quite a few questions), with dad short.

Dad has since brought up the subject a few times, enabler style (i.e. tried to change things) but I stood strong. Basically told him again the subject/my resolve/the boundary was not up for discussion, though I was prepared to share information, which he didn't want to have, so I kept silent. Apart from reiterating it was because of "Blackmail" I went NC.

And so now he brought it up again, set me up for a meeting: triangulation, no doubt about it.
I again made clear (as I've posted earlier) that the blackmail was crystal-clear for me, and that sis must know "what's wrong", despite her claiming she doesn't know. And that she has never asked ME "what's wrong".

Now DramaSis claims that she understood from 'dad' that "in the communication between us there was a lot unclear and went awry."
Well NO, this is not the case. This is NOT what I told dad. Again, wether or not she correctly 'quotes' dad or not, is not relevant here.
Triangulation, Divide and Conquer, Proxy-Recruitment is the issue here. Either by uHPD-sis or uAsperger's/Enabler dad.
edited to add: And now I realize that the phrase 'sis' used is a form of 'minimization': the Blackmail (and by extension all other crap she pulled on me) is just "unclear communication", "misunderstanding". Off-course she'll be able to 'explain'. "Talk it over". DARVO. She's just misunderstood. Boohoohoo.
Well, I don't play that game anymore. And most probably she knows that too. That's why she keeps it vague. It's the only way to make sure she can be 'misunderstood'. That she can 'claim' such a thing. "Plausible deniability" and all that.
It's crystal clear.
She's sly.
The other day I told myself (my Inner Child, or my Inner Adult, I don't know who, and it doesn't really matter): "Dutch Boy, on many occasions she decided not to communicate at all, and by doing so she screwed you over. Information that was relevant to/for you was withheld to harm you. That cannot be "unclear communication or "a misunderstanding". How can "no communication" be "unclear communication" or "misunderstood communication"? It can't, by definition. There has to be communication to begin with before it can be unclear or misunderstood."
Mind games.
And I have learned to think outside the box.

And so I can take the following advice at heart:

What NOT to Do:
   •   Don't believe everything you are told by a person who suffers from a personality disorder. They may just be telling you something false as a means to an end. Sis' quote is false.
   •   Don't react quickly to surprising news. You have the prerogative to think for as long as you want and to react how and when you want.
   •   Don't lose your temper or lose control of your emotions. You can't control other people but you always have control over your own words and actions and that is where you have the most power. Well, I probably had a massive EF, but kept it for myself
   •   Don't sit still and allow someone to rain down on you insults or criticism in the name of another person. If the room is a painful place to sit, then it is perhaps a good time to go sit in a different room. I left as soon as possible on the night in question
   •   Don't make promises, commitments or contracts that will hurt your relationship with people whom you trust, you love, people whose company you enjoy, old friends, and trusted relatives. No-one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you. The way I look at it now, I almost fell into that trap with writing her.

What TO Do:
   •   Objectively verify anything you are told before acting on it. Well, I made notes on the trip home. And I don't need to check them. I know what I have told dad (this has been at least the third time I told him the same consistent story) AND I have the "Blackmail"-mail.
   •   Keep in touch with those you love and trust and tell them about any problems or issues you are having. Hi folks
   •   Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work and play. You need them all in the right measure to keep a healthy balance. I went to the Humanistic Society monthly Sunday-morning meeting, even though I felt compelled to "work on this". . It was a nice 'lecture' with follow-up conversation/discussion on Frans de Waal's book The Bonobo and the Atheist: In Search of Humanism Among the Primates. In the discussion I even managed to bring up that Humanism is a valuable approach-to-life  but that for 'cluster B' PD's it might not be a doable path. That was met by a lot of resistance, LOL. As was to be expected. Basically it was discarded, PD's were pathological (true) and thus the whole issue was swept 'under the rug'. How convenient. I didn't press on.
   •   Politely refuse to engage in Divide and Conquer without starting a fight about it. Remove yourself from a conversation if it is an unhealthy or dysfunctional one. I think if I reply to DramaSis I will be falling for the trap. Because obviously a fight will break out, I'll be dealing the first (counter)punch. Same story if I'll confront dad with his boundary-busting regarding forcing me to meet sis. I think the message I've send by first stating I would leave before she would arrive, and in the end left 5 minutes after she had arrived, due to circumstance I described above. There's no need to rub 'salt in the wound', again I would be picking a fight. However 'in my right' I might be. My behavior has already shown I will not put up with this crap.
   •   Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you are not going to be manipulated like that. By letting myself not be 'lured out in the open' by replying, I think I'm asserting my self-control the best. I will not be manipulated to take up contact again with sis.

I hear my Inner Critic yelling I'm JADE-ing here, and I should not post this.
But I'm not JADE-ing. I'm sharing, and I'm putting my own thoughts and experiences in order. With people like EnablerDad and DramaSis such documentationn and archiving of events as they actually happened is very important. History revision (either by them or by my own FOG-susceptible mind) is a real danger.

Thanks for listening.

[sanmagic7]

it's a process, isn't it, to figure out what's best for our own selves, especially in the beginning.  it sounds like you've come to some self-loving conclusions on what to do.  happily, as we progress, as we stay out of our own way, the entire process becomes easier.  we see what's happening more quickly, we know more surely how to respond, and we remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost.  your physical messages re: what would be stressful to do, what would be more beneficial for you to do sound loud and clear, and the fact that you're listening to them speaks volumes about your progress with this matter.  keep taking care of yourself.

[Dutch Uncle]

Well, not responding it is.

I still have an urge to respond and 'out it all', much like in this video: Resisting the Temptation to Break No Contact (She has a great YouTube channel on her experiences with Narcissistic parents and her NC)
It's really annoying, the two of them got into my head, and some Inner Me's tend to argue with them. 
So it's not easy, but I'll stick to my NC. It's the only way to stop the bickering. I must cut the supply.

Here's another video on the effects of going NC, it's the video that is referred to in the other video I posted, and her channel looks also very worthwhile for me. The Narcissist Loves to Call You Crazy

Thanks all.

edited to add some more video's:
Narcissism Top 10 ways to deal with your Narcissist. [1 to 10: No contact!]

Which reminded me of this awesome video by a Law Professor (unrelated to PD's or cPTSD):
Why You Should Never Talk To Police [even if you're innocent]

Added an article that may help me resist the next one as well: Hoovering is a Timeless Tactic In a Narcissist's World

added another video to keep me on track the next time: Narcissism No Contact and Right from Wrong

[Dutch Uncle]

This is a great article. I find this so awesome it's worth a 'bump' of the thread, IMHO.

I'm still going strong with my NC, btw, yet I still need to read validating articles to calm my Inner Critic (I suppose), as well as for additional backing since there is a lack of (sufficient) support from my friends. REALLY cutting contact with no possible reconciliation in mind IS a bit hard to swallow for even those who earlier were quite adamant in their advice to me to cut down contact and "don't be bothered by them anymore" type of advise. Full and decisive NC is crossing the Rubicon a bit for many, I've come to learn. 
It's not that they oppose me (thank heavens) but it's small remarks like: "Yeah, well, possibly in the future things will look brighter." Which is a bummer if you're in a position like me who is just coming to grips on how awful and premeditated these hoovers are, and that 'sis' definitely is not interested in a brighter future for me, only for her: she misses her punching bag and would like to have it back.

In this article the author (who has spend 13 years in a relationship with a narcissist) tells about her own hoovers to suck the narcissist back in.
Quite recognizable... I hoovered 'sis' and 'mom' back in as well, no doubt, and I know from my past I have always have had great trouble with break up's with girlfriends, even while I did most of the time the breaking up. I've often wandered if these were hoovers and/or if I was 'bad' for doing this, so I relate to her story quite a lot.
I never pushed it as far as her though.
A good read, she has many great insights from her own experiences with a narc. I've learned a lot from all her articles.

The Narcissist's Hoover & Our Conditioned Response

[tesscaline]

Going completely NC is a really hard thing to do, and it's not surprising that you're needing support in continuing it.  I think it's pretty natural to hope for an eventual reconciliation, especially when it comes to enmeshed families.  This is someone (or multiple someones) who played a very large part in your life and probably shared a bunch of good times with you.  Wanting to be able to have that again, well, it's entirely understandable.

It's hard.  SO HARD.  To accept that this person (or persons) is fundamentally toxic for you, and is just not safe for you to interact with.  I've had that struggle in dealing with my mother.  I'm having that struggle in dealing with my most recent Ex.  I want, badly, to be able to go to them and share my happiness over things, but I know that doing that will just open me up to more hurt, more pain, more suffering, and set me backwards in my recovery.  It hurts again, every time I remind myself of that, and I imagine it will keep hurting for a long time. 

But you have support.  You have people who genuinely do want to see you have a brighter future.  I'm pretty sure that everyone here on this forum wants that for you.  I know I do, and I barely know you. 

I have faith that you can keep up the NC with your sis, and that you will be infinitely better for it both in the short term and the long term.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Going completely NC is a really hard thing to do, and it's not surprising that you're needing support in continuing it.  I think it's pretty natural to hope for an eventual reconciliation, especially when it comes to enmeshed families.  This is someone (or multiple someones) who played a very large part in your life and probably shared a bunch of good times with you.  Wanting to be able to have that again, well, it's entirely understandable.

It's hard.  SO HARD.  To accept that this person (or persons) is fundamentally toxic for you, and is just not safe for you to interact with.  I've had that struggle in dealing with my mother.  I'm having that struggle in dealing with my most recent Ex.  I want, badly, to be able to go to them and share my happiness over things, but I know that doing that will just open me up to more hurt, more pain, more suffering, and set me backwards in my recovery.  It hurts again, every time I remind myself of that, and I imagine it will keep hurting for a long time.

Thank you very much.
It is hard to see them for the toxic people they are. To accept that there really weren't that much good times I had with them. And that insofar I had them, the good times are overshadowed by much more bad times, both in number as well as intensity. And that they actually sabotaged quite a few good times for me.
Slowly but steadily I'm getting there. It's a struggle though.
I'm reminded now of something somebody said, which is ringing more true by the day: "We are still hoping for the promises of good times they [=the PD's] made, time and again, but never followed through on. We are in love with the fantasy they presented us with, and find it so hard let go of that."
My 'sis' still does that, in her hoovers: "I want to have a good relationship with you." Yet I know, from experience, that with her the relationship will always be exactly that: the 'good relationship' is (and has been) always something that will happen at some point in the future. There will never be a point, nor has there been a point where 'sis' says: "OK, it's good now, it's not something I want anymore, because we have a good relationship now, my needs are met."
The same blogger made a post about it, that I only read today, and it does strike home: Narcissists & The Art of Future-Faking

But you have support.  You have people who genuinely do want to see you have a brighter future.  I'm pretty sure that everyone here on this forum wants that for you.  I know I do, and I barely know you. 

Thanks a lot, again.
Yes, this community is such a great support, such a beacon, such an anchor. I couldn't do this without you.