is this normal when you start ict? any tips would be appreciated.

[arpy1]

ok today is not being a good day. in a state, frankly, of superduper anxiety about all this. and to top it off, i just had the rather disturbing thought that maybe she talks about me to other clients the way she talks about them to me... i would be the wacky one who used to live in a cult....that it not a nice thought.

[Dutch Uncle]

Yep. 

She'll probably focus on you being wacky for not returning to her, though. And for not wanting to team up with her autistic husband. Her audience will see you as the sane one. 

[stillhere]

Oh dear, Arpy1, I'm afraid you may be right:  she may indeed include your story in her litany of clients whose confidence she violates.  I suppose reporting her in some way could silence her, though there's no guarantee. 

Chances are she has little credibility and, I'm guessing, a revolving door through which many clients have clients have departed.

You need to do what's best for you.  If confronting her in some way is threatening (rather than, say, cathartic or empowering), then it's a challenge you don't need.  Part of recovery and having a life is picking your battles.  There's no shame in that.

[arpy1]

can't tell you the mess this has made of my head... i was moaning a few days ago about feeling numb. well, i could really go for numb right now.  i just feel like i can't deal with this. colitis is flared, anxiety levels off the scale, feel sick, heart in throat, can't settle, can't think... panic barely contained, self recriminations barely contained... madness barely contained....    you know the kind of thing i'm sure

i was just starting to let myself trust this person and get really vulnerable and ...yet again... i am screwed.  no wonder i self isolate. no wonder i decided not to trust again...why didn't i just listen to myself this time as well??? will i ever learn?

i hate that i have been such an idiot again. i am so gullible and i get screwed every single time.  but i have nothing left to fight with. you're right, to confront would be too threatening and scary.  i am just trying to think of how to get out of this without telling an outright lie or worse, telling the plain truth.

i emailed the situation to my GP and i am going to try and talk to him on monday. he is good, and he has my back, i think. (i think - put it this way, he hasn't done anything bad...yet) and he's actually the only other professional who knows my situation.  i hope he is willing to input about all this. even if just to say it sucks. 

i know, tho, that i am the only one who can get myself out of this mess. trouble is it just keys into all the things that make me panic. like a mega-tsunami within the confines of my brain-pan... and i can't stop myself no matter how i reason with myself.  ho hum...valium x2 again tonite, i think. at least i didn't hit the bottle.  i ate choc tho, much, much choc. and ice cream. o dear.

sorry for the rant. again.   

[stillhere]

And here's the double whammy of psychological vulnerability, yes?  Or is a triple whammy?  In any case, therapy require the lowering of defenses but then leaves one vulnerable to the trauma of unprofessional conduct.  One has to trust to participate adequately in therapy, but one's trust can then be violated.

SHE IS THE PROBLEM HERE!  Her behavior should cost her something, perhaps loss of license to practice but at the very least an inquiry and some sanction, if only a warning. 

So YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.  You didn't make an error in judgment.  Rather, you did the best you could with the information you had. 

Might your GP help?  Perhaps he will promote some sort of investigation.  Perhaps he can help you find someone competent.  And, no, you're not the only one who can extricate yourself -- or rather you shouldn't be.  You should have support.  This kind of outrageous behavior is the reason health care professionals need credentials and oversight.

[arpy1]

oh my word! Guys, i have done it! i have sacked my T. i sent the email (final version, with grateful thanks for all your input, esp D/U's) and hopefully she will respect my request that she not contact me. i am a bit scared, but i have done it. so yay ME!

i don't think i could have got to this point, not got through the huge EFs that this whole sorry drama have triggered, without the help and support and affirmation that i received from you people. today, for the first time in a week, i am starting to feel more relaxed.

i saw my GP this morning and he absolutely agreed with what i wrote to her, and altho he wishes that i would find another T, he agrees that i am wise to give it a break before even thinking about it. 

we have agreed that i will start to swap meds ( i've been on mirtazipine for nine months and i have gained 35 pounds in weight. urghhh) so i am swapping back to citalopram.

and he is so sweet, says i can call him anytime if i get into difficulties. just the reassurance that i can do so will probably be enuf to prevent me needing to, altho i kno the changeover in meds isn't gonna be easy.

not sure where i am heading now, but if i can just reclaim my body from the increased poundage i'll feel a whole lot better about myself. it's a start.

thanks again, everyone.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

Yeah! Yay you! 

[stillhere]

Congratulations, Arpy1, you've worked through this! 

[Kizzie]

That's wonderful arpy!!!!!!  Yay you indeed 

[Sienna]

Arpy1, i hope you are doing ok.

If i could take this away from you, and others, i would.
It is scary, and I'm not glad at all that anyone else eels this way, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in my fear.

I agree, that even if we don't have a choice but to go through pain in our lives, and even if we don't feel brave, we are brave. Just because you don't have a choice, you are still have to survive this.
You are even braver, because of the very fact that you are * scared and you don't *feel brave*. And you don't know where this recovery is going or how long it will be.
Its like you have to be strong. Thats how i feel. and i know it may be my inner protector / parent trying to help me when she doesn't know how, trying to tell the child that its ok (with out invalidating her experience), so it might not be right to think that i have to be strong.
Just, the way i survived was having another part of me step back so that I'm not overwhelmed by my inner childs feelings, and the inner child feels she needs her to be strong, because my inner child can't do this alone. Hopefully she will be able to in time, if thats whats needed. (all parts need to be integrated so they work together).
I just wanted you to know that it helps me to feel less isolated and alone reading your post.
and i want it to be over quickly too, and i also think it is not fair.
I also hate not being in control. I hate not wanting to face the pain for the fear, and i hate disassociating beyond my control too like you said, so that the pain can't be over.

Ranting is good. It helps you get out how you are feeling, and this is what it is about in order to heal and to feel better.  Talking about the injustice of it all with others who *get it*, is helpful i think.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to add that I also hope you are doing well Arpy, you are missed here at OOTS 

[Sienna]

Me too Arpy1. Very much.