is this normal when you start ict? any tips would be appreciated.

[stillhere]

Yes, it's unfair that you have to confront her.  But if she's the professional she should be, you won't have to say much.  She should fall all over herself with apologies.  If she gets defensive, well, you may want to rethink her being your therapist.

A pro should be able to handle such a challenge.  It shouldn't even be heard as a challenge. 

If you really don't want to confront face to face, why not write a letter or send an email?  Even if she were to read the letter/email when you next see her, you'd have worked through your explanation.

And you have people on this site to back you up.

[serkinglight]

hey arpy1-

You must just be so likable she temporarily forgot she had a business relationship with you and wished she could be your friend! 

[arpy1]

thanks guys, it's good to know i am not dealing alone with stuff like this.  stillhere, you are right. it ain't fair. but i still have to do something.  maybe i will e her before next session.

serkinglight... eeek  hope not!! i am not doing friends at the moment. none. not one. nada. totally not. and what's more, she knows that i see no-one and go nowhere. even my GP asked to see me every fortnight even tho i don't think i need to, becos he worries about me isolating myself. (i told him it was too late to worry.) but i don't mind seeing him. he never blurs boundaries, and is always respectful.

sigh...what a tangled web the whole relationship thing becomes. 

[stillhere]

Arpy1, an email seems like a really good idea.  And if you do it before the next session, you won't have to spend so much precious session time explaining. 

Your T may, like your GP, be searching for ways to remove you from isolation.  Her suggestion may have been a statement of concern, although still way out of bounds.

I'm really hoping she quickly recognizes the boundary violation and apologizes.  If she does, you'll have a good indication about her.

[woodsgnome]

Along the lines of what stillhere observed, it may be good to tip the T ahead of time about exactly where you stand. If for no other reason, just to affirm to both (her and you) how you felt about what she laid out and why you can't honestly consider that; not in an accusatory manner so as not to give her an option to turn the focus on her needs instead of yours.   

No matter what some T's act like, it's always an interactive dance between equals. Even if one side seems more desperate for answers, it's only their own power they're reaching for and the T is assisting that process.

While I'm not seeing a T now, I know the feeling of wanting to follow everything they say, as I was weary of my own wanderings. I know there were times when I held back, didn't assert, and everything seemed to come unglued. So maybe you can reset the focus of your next session.

The whole inner child workbook, as hard as you worked with it, seemed like it was easily diminished and deflected by her. Maybe if you point it out, she can pull back and realize yeah, apry1 is right. Maybe it'll come down to her realizing she had a bad day. Or maybe not, but you'll know you tried.

Good luck.   

[arpy1]

No matter what some T's act like, it's always an interactive dance between equals. Even if one side seems more desperate for answers, it's only their own power they're reaching for and the T is assisting that process.

yes, you are right, and i so easily forget she's not my 'elder' or something.  easy to slot back into my trained mindset. thanks for reminding me.

therapy session this morning, so watch this space!

[arpy1]

ok. so, i totally blew it today. totally. i bottled out of saying what i had planned, skirted round it and so, well, i just screwed it up. 
then we talked loads about inconsequential stuff only touching on my stuff when i consciously steered the conversation but even then what was said was woolly and no help. i got the impression she is worn out and can't wait for her holiday. she seemed not to want to address anything in any proactive way. i am sure i wasn't imagining it, but it's like she wanted to talk about anything but me. i know that sounds totally self centred but what the ... am i there for? certainly not to discuss the syrian refugee crisis, social housing and immigration and divers other interesting topics including other clients, including one of their first names...isn't that supposed to be a no-no?  i came away having decided that's it. i am not going back. so i came home and drafted a letter setting out my reasons as clearly, kindly and honestly as i could. and now i haven't the guts to send that either.

i hate myself for being such a coward. i hate that i can't be confident and assertive. maybe this could have worked out if i had tackled the issues early on. instead i have been the passive partner, been, as usual, the 'done to' person instead of an equal. and as usual i end up feeling backed into a corner with nowhere to go. what an idiot i am.

problem is i am running out of money and i can't afford to be wasting it on this if it's not going to work..

[Dutch Uncle]

 

including other clients, including one of their first names...isn't that supposed to be a no-no?

That is definitely a no-no.    Ridiculous.

what the ... am i there for? certainly not to discuss the syrian refugee crisis, social housing and immigration and divers other interesting topics

Certainly not. If you would have wanted that, you would have taken a stroll to the nearest pub or proverbial hairdresser, no?
Piling up other(s) problems on you? Highly unprofessional.

i came away having decided that's it. i am not going back.

Yay you.  What a bummer this T. 

ok. so, i she totally blew it today. totally. i she bottled out of saying what i had planned she should have planned, skirted round it and so, well, i she just screwed it up.
[...]
i know that sounds totally self centred but [...] i hate myself for being such a coward.

Dear arpy1, you may put all those labels on her. You are not self-centered, you came for and payed for a service to be provided for and to you. And you are most definitely not a coward.

problem is i am running out of money and i can't afford to be wasting it on this if it's not going to work..

Big bummer. You might consider not paying for this. Let her proof that what she did today (and last time) is actually value for money.
Write her you won't pay (and you'll see her in court over this if need be). I bet she'll have a hard time convincing any court (and/or professional association she might (should?) be part of) that this had anything to do with ICT-work.

But you may not want to go there. I have something like this slip once, since I simply couldn't, and wasn't willing, to focus my attention on picking a fight.
Most definitely though, she doesn't deserve any pay.
What a character  .

Sending you   

PS: write down the name of these clients, and what she disclosed to you about them. You don't have to be elaborate. Just the tidbits that are clearly part of patient-confidentiality.
You may not use it in the end, but it might be a good thing to have if you'll refuse to pay.
I would like to punch this woman  .
(I won't  )

[serkinglight]

Yeah, that is completely unacceptable!! What a doofus! (Not you, her.) She probably used your session for some "down time" during her day. Well, if you could bring yourself to tell her how you felt about this (I know it's not easy, but that's what you're supposed to be able to do in therapy--that's why you go there--they're supposed to be able to handle exactly this sort of stuff), maybe you can turn it around. I don't think it's beyond repair (although you may have lost faith in her to the point where you feel it is..). Anyway, please don't blame yourself! It's her, not you!!!

[stillhere]

Arpy1, this woman is worse than useless.  First, she violates the most obvious of boundaries.  Now she wastes your sessions with irrelevant topics.

You need to move on!  Yes, documenting her violations is a good idea, but you may not want a confrontation.  Actually, you pretty clearly don't want a confrontation, or you'd have confronted her about the egregious boundary violation from a session ago.

I don't know what options you have, but I do think dealing with this T is distracting you from the real work at hand.  You need -- and deserve -- someone who's engaged in your struggle, committed to your progress, and generally looking out for your interests.  If that's too much to ask, then therapy isn't worthwhile.

[arpy1]

you guys are making me cry, i feel so touched thank you for affirming me.

but i feel so scared and useless and my head has exploded.  i wish i was brave  but i'm not. i can't deal with this stuff. i send D/U a pm with more detaila; don't mind you folks knowing it but my T knows i use this site and i don't want her to happen on this in the public zone. but honestly, it's worse than what i put in this thread.

sorry for being such a drip. but thanks for your support. my head has gone now so i am gonna go and try and calm down. will check in later.    to all.

[stillhere]

How ironic!  This therapist just had an entire session to engage with you about your concerns, and she checked out instead.  And now you are (rightly) concerned that she could be trolling you on on line.

You shouldn't have to be brave.  But here you are having to deal with this woman.  I agree with Dutch Uncle that you shouldn't need to be pay.  You need to decide, though, whether you want to confront her.  Perhaps you need most of all to extricate yourself from this "therapeutic" relationship.  That decision makes sense too.

[woodsgnome]

I'm very sorry it turned out like that.  I can't tell you how many times I went through this self-blame funk you're in. It's an awful feeling that might take a while to heal. There's certainly no right/wrong on your part; you tried and gave her every benefit of the doubt.

You didn't blow anything, either. From what you've shared, it's obviously a massive failure on her part, not yours. She didn't seem ready to go beyond her preordained assumptions, or work with you, or even meet you halfway, dominating the time you were paying for with irrelevant chit-chat. You held your end of the bargain, and returned, albeit with doubts. You wanted this so bad, and she flippantly took your money besides.

About the letter--I've a hunch it wouldn't matter to her; certainly not like it does to you. Showing her that sort of courtesy doesn't seem fair, somehow. And you need to be fair to you, first. Something I used to do with letters like the one you're thinking about--I'd write 'em, read 'em again to myself, digest what I wanted to learn from this, and then burn it. Symbolically, if not emotionally, it gave at least a small sense of doing something, anything, to move to the next step.

Discussing other clients? Way beyond the pale. I had one of those too--even worse she spread her stuff around in a group setting like a town gossip, using names. My last T wandered so far afield from my needs I finally blew him off last December. Often before I'd utter a word in session, he was consulting me about some personal problem of his--he wanted me as his T, and I was paying him! 

This after-bit will be hard, but look how far you've come, even  without formal therapy, from your old stuff. You were strong enough then, you will make it past this, too.

                               

[Dutch Uncle]

Discussing other clients? Way beyond the pale. I had one of those too--even worse she spread her stuff around in a group setting like a town gossip, using names. My last T wandered so far afield from my needs I finally blew him off last December. Often before I'd utter a word in session, he was consulting me about some personal problem of his--he wanted me as his T, and I was paying him! 

Listen to this wise women, arpy1. It's spot on.

How ironic!  This therapist just had an entire session to engage with you about your concerns, and she checked out instead.  And now you are (rightly) concerned that she could be trolling you on on line.

[arpy1]

guys, thank you so so much for all you say here, it is really helping me to sort out my head. i'm afraid i was in such a panic      last night, i ended up taking valium and went to bed.  glad to report i feel much calmer today!

i am going to let it lie for a few days now and think about it.

you need to be fair to you, first.

yes, and i am going to look out for myself here, you're right, this isn't about her. 

and i agree it may not be best for me to confront at all, but to do the letter writing-but-not-sending and then move on. do i need yet  another battle? probably not. but i will see how i feel when i am sane again.

thanks again for all your kindness. i can't imagine, now, how i managed before i discovered this site.