Dating

[Laynelove]

I find dating really hard with complex ptsd. I struggle to let people in and even when I do I don't know how to tell them there is something wrong with me.

Any tips?

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum. There are a few active threads on the same subject open for posting.

[woodsgnome]

Quote Laynelove: "I don't know how to tell them there is something wrong with me."

First thing, with regards to what you tell about yourself is--there is nothing "wrong" with you! That might not be so much about the date, as about you fully believing that is the case. Even to call it an illness is a bit off-putting. What's going on with us is just that we have had certain events that strongly impacted our lives. The emotional impacts may show, or not. But cptsd is purely normal, it just takes learning a slightly different approach to the mainstream.

My opinion is that using the label cptsd is problematic, especially early in dating someone. While you don't want to paper it over, it's not a detriment to have issues, it can even show you as a strong person working hard on being your true self. Any date may well turn out to have "issues", too.

I dated someone and we were upfront about issues...it was prior to the emergence of the cptsd knowledge base, but abuse and alcoholism backgrounds soon had us on a shared footing, regardless of labels. While the relationship didn't endure (although we still communicate amiably), it helped that we each knew some of the other's struggles.

It can be discouraging, for sure...I'm not actively seeking dates anymore but I wandered onto one of the umpteen singles sites and they had a forum. One of the topics was: If you knew your date had PTSD would you continue? The overwhelming response was no, which is awful and/or just shows ignorance because the cultural messages are to  always be strong, be bold,  . Yikes!!!

Having cptsd isn't something one shouts to the world, but it's probably made you a stronger person. Back to step #1: believe in your self-worth and it might help project the positive vibe you want to show. Cptsd is challenging, but it's a normal response to a rotten set of conditions put in our life's path. It causes a lot of pain, but we find strength where we can from it.

Wishing you the best. 

[Laynelove]

That's a great encouraging reply! Thanks so much

Hopefully someday I'll feel worthy of love

[steamy]

I managed to get by for 20 years without knowing I had cptsd so I guess it doesn't make that much difference.

I have read a number of books that indicate that we're programmed sub consciously to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents, so its likely that your soul mate has had similar experiences, although they might not have had the presence of mind to realise that it changed the way they think and feel.

To quote my father, "my dad used to beat the * out of me and it hasn't done me any harm" lol

[arpy1]

lol, steamy,  i always said i married my dad...   ...what truly, deeply worried me was the thought that my ex, similarly, might have married his mum...       

..... please god, no, not that, don't let me be like her

[tired]

I went on a number of terrible dates and gave up.  If I ever hae a relationship it will have to start as a friendship and not a dating scenario.

[tiggerd2]

My thought is - why should I date? I have books and a cat, so I'm safe

[tired]

 

[annbelievesinwhales]

LOL dating what is that??

[arpy1]

i think, it's what happened to that dress that you found scrunched up at the back of the wardrobe...

[arpy1]

or possibly what happened to my whole wardrobe while i wasn't looking. 

decided after my marriage failed that i just can't trust myself to make decent choices where males are concerned. the thought of an intimate relationship, whilst culturally seemingly 'imperative', just feels totally superfluous to what i am facing in my life at the moment.  maybe when i heal a bit?? i don't know. not sure i would risk trying to share my life with someone again.

[tired]

I don't want another human being to be a witness to my daily struggles. 

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[annbelievesinwhales]

it's funny cause i am in the swing of recovery and sometimes i can see myself dating soon/again and some days it's like * no!
As i come to understand how many not necessarily true beliefs i have about myself, others and how i have to be (with them and in general) i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. i will very likely get married have a good if not great relationship and kids.

my parents really really have ingrained in me the belief that my life is not acceptable, who i am is not acceptable, that i have to hide, that i have to be ashamed, that i can't be real or i won't be loved. those have been my go to reactions for almost 30 years. but as i'm mindful of those beliefs, keep breathing deeply to calm my amygdala (automatic freeze reaction) so i can think more rationally and make choices, i see that they're only beliefs. they suck, but i can choose not to act on them. that in itself has taken like 2.5 years of therapy lol.

turns out i don't have to intensely filter everything and there is a chance i'll be liked for who i am, my life experience, my trauma, my cptsd the whole kit and caboodle lol. the idea that i can speak freely at some point without filtering intensely- that i can really be seen- is so novel to me. so that's what i'm doing. accepting me and my feelings and my experience over and over and over...and giving others a chance to accept me and my experience. so i'm not dating yet but recovery makes me hopeful. but damn if it's not hard to not buy into this * i was fed my entire childhood. freaking parents really traumatized me. freeze reactions are the worst to undo.

i was doing a school assignment recently about what our families wanted us to be when we were adolescents. Over and over so many wrote that their parents just wanted them to be themselves, be honest and be happy no matter what. sure there were rules and standards, disappointment at different times, but they never had to be fake, be different or pretend with their parents. being them was enough. that's what others learned. that they'd always be loved and supported. and it's what i'm learning (i'm reparenting myself so I'm learning to love and support myself.) long story short- not dating yet, but looking forward to it as my recovery progresses. in those tiny glimpses when i'm really being me, it feels so good to be seen and i want to be seen some more. sorry for this long babble, but recovery is sooooooooooo hard to explain sometimes without a novel.

[arpy1]

respect!