New and alone (possible triggers) *sorry about the length

[McKyla27]

Hello, I'm a 30 yr old female Air Force Veteran. I'm 100% disabled by the VA for PTSD. I suffered 2 rapes while in tech school. The first I had just turned 18 2 weeks prior and was assaulted by my 30 yr old superior. I was a virgin. The 2nd was exactly a month later by a drunk "friend".
When I got to Minot AFB where I was stationed, my job was to deploy out to the missile fields for 4 days at a time. I lived there with a bunch of male cops. I was the only female usually in 8. Sometimes more. My job at the Missile Alert Facility (MAF) was a Missile Chef. I basically ran my own restaurant. I did the ordering, receiving, cooking, cleaning, maintenance and accounting. My immediate superior was the Facility Manager (FM) and I was his partner with the maintenance duties as well. The MAF had a living room, computer room, billiard room and gym. The FM and I each had our own room. The cops had to share. Since for the most part I was the only female I was repeatedly sexually harassed. I isolated myself when I could to my room when I wasn't working but for the most part just had to tolerate it. I developed bulimia to deal with my assaults while in tech school. I was in "therapy" for it but as I only had 2 days off in between deployments it wasn't much help. I never told about my assaults. For 3 yrs I begged to be taken from the missile fields, so I could have a normal job on base. My schedule was out for 4 days, off for 2 so making appointments was next to impossible. One time the relieving chef was delayed (the site is 4 hrs away from base and to get to it you have to drive in North Dakota blizzards). I missed my  Drs appointment and had a nervous breakdown when she arrived. Crying and saying I wanted to die. My commander was worried and took me out of the field for a month. I worked in the office during that time so I could make my appointments but that ended because we had such a shortage of Missile Chefs. I had no choice but to go out. If I refused I would go to jail. I had breakdowns before; I developed extreme anxiety about traveling out to the fields and leaving the safety of my room out there to be repeatedly harassed. I tried to have them in private but one time was so hysterical I had to lock up the whole kitchen and cook and push food out of a 2 inch opening under the metal shade pulled down over the counter. Unless you were on death's door you did your job. You're not sick unless they tell you you're sick. So you did your job between dashing to the latrine to throw up from a stomach virus, or through broken ribs. I think this is how my C-PTSD ddeveloped. I was forced to travel out despite my anxiety and constant harassment. I had no choice. I was trapped. I had put in orders for other bases but didn't know that because of my bulimia I had a medical profile that prohibited it. After 3 yrs 3 months in the Air Force they medically discharged me. I fought it, because all I wanted was to have a job on base with set hours and days off. I was very good at my job and was the youngest and only airman in my squadron to get Professional Performer on two Nuclear Surety Inspections. My commander fought to keep me in but I lost. Maybe it was for the best, but the military was my identity.

[stillhere]

Welcome to the site, McKayla27.  You will, I think, find support here.  The military is not my story, but others have similar experiences and know something about dealing with VA.  I hope your disability allows you services that can address what you've experienced.

You have endured much.  I've been Minot and know that it can seem a desolate part of the world, especially in the winter.  To be trapped underground, at a missile site with abusers is surely equivalent to prison and a kind of torture.  It seems the very definition of conditions that lead to CPTSD.

I wish you a healing journey here.

[Trees]

Hi McKyla27, and welcome.  I am a female Navy veteran twice your age.  I am extremely glad that the VA has given you 100% disability, because you certainly deserve it!  Though my own cptsd-causing experiences pre-dated my seven years in the Navy, afterwards when the cptsd caught up with me and rendered me unable to support myself, the VA took very good care of me for quite a while.  I hope you will have a similarly supportive experience with the VA.

I have heard many stories like yours during my time in female-vet support groups.  Many many  stories.  I met a number of female veterans who were completely disabled, in all sorts of ways, by their "fellow" military personnel.  I could go on and on.  And I myself encountered a great deal of overt animosity during my own years in the Navy, back in the 70s.  I remember being quite intimidated by it.

I am so sorry you were so horribly denied your chance at a  military career.  But I hope you will find here on the OOTS the kind of sympathy and support and compassion that you so deserve.  The cruelty wreaked on you in your young adulthood is very similar to the cruelty many of us here received as children among family members who also should have had our best interests at heart.

So please do not be discouraged by all our talk of childhoods.  With a bit of tweaking in your mind, it should still all mostly fit what you have survived.

All the best to you in your journey toward recovery.  Big hugs!   

[McKyla27]

Thank you for the support, and the VA has taken good care of me. Well, as good as they can. I've been treated outside the VA for 5 yrs after my discharge for PTSD and Bulimia and for 5 yrs by the VA once my claim was approved in 2010. Some of their therapy has worsened my C-PTSD because they don't know how treatment needs to be different. I'm lucky they haven't diagnosed me with a personality disorder and only say BPD tendencies or DPD tendencies. The VA doesn't cover personality disorders as connection to military service. I hope eventually C-PTSD will be included in the DSM.