I'm new here

[Shattered]

Hi there...I'm a 60 year old female, retired psychotherapist.  I had a narcissistic/borderline father, a loving mother who adored me but turned on me when my father demanded it.  I had an eating disorder most of my life, worked on it and my sense of self throughout my adulthood.  I was stable, successful, had good outside relationships, a vibrant mother, grandmother, friend, clinician. I learned to mostly like myself.  Married 40 years to the nicest seeming guy in the world, but an emotional wolf in sheep's clothing.  He's charming, manipulative, subtly coercive.  After a series of traumas nearly 20 years ago, he "broke" and converted all his pent up rage into rage at me.  Mostly underground rage.  Wouldn't have sex with me anymore.  Would seem like my best pal and partner, then withdraw and be cold and sullen.  Fast forward to 3 years ago...I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer.  Husband was not supportive, tho he tried to look the part. As I was recovering from surgery and 6 weeks of radiation, I learned suddenly and horribly that hesa sex addict and had been living a double life for nearly a decade.  Many women, but especially one for whom he bought a house, a car, unbelievable jewelry, dozens and dozens of trips, a staggering amount of money thrown away.  Lurid horrible emails, texts, voicemails, I saw and read way too much.  This woman harassed me and my family for months once Bubbie was outed.  Long story short, we were working toward reconciliation but about 8 months after the Armageddon of learning about all this, I totally fell apart.  The worst creepy anxiety I've ever felt, all day every day.  I feel derealized, like I'm in a bad dream. Not me, and everything imaginable is a trigger.  I can't modulate emotions.  I wail, scream, cry, punch pillows and walls.  My sense of self and reality are shattered.  It's been 18 months since I fell apart....I've had every treatment imaginable and nothing has helped.  A month ago I kicked him out, at least for a while, because he's so self absorbed he believes he is MY victim. He secretly videotaped me wailing because he feels sorry for himself.  The last straw was when he mimicked me while I was whimpering.  I'm struggling horribly with severe cptsd symptoms, tho I push myself to function as much as I can. I'm virtually unable to self soothe.  The strategies that should bring comfort or relief increase my creepy anxiety.  I NEVER had any of these symptoms my entire life!  I now have all the horror show symptoms plus the grief and loss and destabilization of living alone, feeling like I've lost everything...most poignantly, my sense of existence, my sense of reality, of self.  I'm praying for a miracle.  The only meds I can tolerate (after trying everything imaginable) are lorazepam and Lunesta, and even those bring little relief.  Are there others of you who have suffered severe cptsd as a result of betrayal trauma by a long term spouse?  Other women I've met in therapy groups are not affected as devastatingly as I....I feel like the Lone Ranger, which increases my trauma and desperation.

[stillhere]

Oh my, Shattered.  I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  You've clearly endured much, and your training as a therapist is no protection from what's been done to you.  What a dreadful betrayal!  Nothing could prepare someone for it.

I hope you find solace on this site.  In a very short time, I've found a supportive community here. 

Your story does seem to illustrate just how intractable CPTSD can be.  I thought I'd put my distant past (and the symptoms of CPTSD) to rest, but the past year or so has brought problems crashing down around me.  You'll find other people here with similar experiences.  You are not alone.

[Shattered]

Stillhere, those are the most comforting words I can imagine, i.e., "you'll find other people here with similar experiences.  You are not alone."  Thank you for that.  And for your loving, caring message.  I have felt so horrifyingly alone, I have no words for it.  Nobody understands. Nobody can help.  I have felt like I'm free-floating in deep dark space with nothing and NOBODY to grab onto.  I have spent ten weeks in two different treatment facilities, utterly misunderstood and unheard, 8 months in an intensive outpatient program which didnt help, undergone EMDR, brain spotting, SE, neurofeedback, even transcranial magnetic stimulation.  Several ER trips and one 72-hour hold. Thousands of dollars on homeopaths.  Dozens of medication trials.  I feel like I have burned out my minimal support system, as even sister and brother are frustrated with my endless perseveration on my distress and my lack of progress.  I have always been an achiever, and I'm ashamed of my inability to get better, despite throwing myself and all resources at any and every possible avenue.  I treated people for twenty years, and NEVER EVER could have imagined anything like this.  Thank you.  I do take solace in knowing I'm not alone, tho I wouldn't wish this nightmare on my worst enemy, and I am pained to see how many suffer too.

[stillhere]

Shattered,

I can imagine that your efforts toward healing have been all the harder because you know something about the options.  And you're accustomed to being an expert, the person with the advice to give.  The turned tables must be hard to accept, along with everything else, all of which is threatening enough. 

I don't know that an on-line forum can alleviate your pain.  But the stories I've read on this site are a testament to resilience.  And you'll find much willingness to listen (or rather read) and offer support. 

[MaryAnn]

You are a strong person Shattered, please do not lose hope.  You were resilient for most of your life and you will be again.  It is a difficult journey, I know from experience.  But it will get better once you start finding yourself and loving yourself again.  I am still working on that part but I am getting better each day and have reached out to others for support like I never have before.  I have made myself vulnerable and have stumbled and fallen several times but I get back up and try again.   After reading LadyFinn and your posts, I realize that I am not alone as well.

I feel exactly the same way about my husband of 24 years as you stated in your post to LadyFinn:

The human being I attached to and believed to be my lifelong soulmate turns out to be my tormentor and perpetrator.

I am in my mid 40's, my husband is a sex addict (porn - at least I hope that is all it is).  Sex is a very rare occurrence and it has been that way for most of 20 years.  And I have to initiate it, he never does.  I was having ideations in my late thirties as a result of my marriage.  I finally realized, just as you did, that he was not the man I thought he was. Like you, I also experienced many traumas as a child, emotional, physical, and sexual, but none of them ever effected me like what I have been going through the last 24 months.  At times, in the aftermath of a couple of events, I did want to end my life, attempted once in college, but I was able to work through them on my own and get back on track. I never saw a Therapist, a Psychiatrist, took any medications until 2 years ago.

But life has it's events and a major family crisis diverted my attention completely from my marriage and the ideations, urges.  I am a workaholic and am an overachiever in my work.  Work has always been my safe place, what I feel is home.  The family crisis required me to basically fix, straighten out, and run my GP's businesses.  I worked for 6 years almost 24/7 to support us (husband is self-employed - really a hobbyist - working on building custom cars and doesn't make money, or at least not any I ever see) and to run my GP's businesses to provide for my GM and an Uncle with BPD and an alcoholic.  It almost killed me and in more ways than one. 

My husband became even more abusive than ever over the 6 years.  It was scary at times and got very ugly but not going to go into any details.  I started counseling as a result of my husband's abuse and the porn addiction.  Six months later, I was successful in selling my GM's major commercial properties and closing down the businesses, invested everything.  Then it happened, I snapped.  But, keep in mind, I have to have my job as it is our only means of income and health insurance.  My T is the reason I am still here today to talk about it.  I had ideation and urges, I actually had made plans to do it.  I had a trust written up - left nothing to my family - and was working to make arrangements to sell all of my antiques and collections so that they would find good homes and not end up in the hands of someone that did not understand their value or appreciate them. 

I kept working, hanging on by a thread and still living with my husband.  We went to marriage counseling, briefly.  He went to individual counseling, briefly, just long enough for us to find out he was ADHD.  Wouldn't take meds and stopped going to counseling.  Medication helped me for just over a year.  Then just a little over a month ago, I crashed.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I ended up in an In Patient facility for 4 days and am now in an intensive OP therapy program.  I have a good T, a good psychiatrist, a nice group in OP,  a friend at work, and hopefully a few friends here that are my support because god knows that my husband and family are definitely not.  I am glad you are here, as well as LadyFinn.  Hopefully, we will all get through this together with each others understanding and support.

  MaryAnn 

[Shattered]

I am heartbroken for you, MaryAnn, as I am for LadyFinn, myself, and so many others whose posts I've been reading.  But you're right; I AM strong, you are strong, we wouldn't still be here if we weren't.  You are doing all the right things to create a path toward true healing, and it sounds like you're gaining traction.  I pray for traction.  Those of us who are partners of sex addicts share an unfortunate bond in our largely unrecognized torture.  Others think they get it, but they don't.  Before my world blew up, I thought I knew what I'd do and feel if I found out he was cheating....but I had NO clue how devastating the betrayal is.  And I had no idea that the years of emotional abuse by a closet narcissist could set me up for cptsd.  Until I read Minwalla's Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma, I was continuing to unwittingly absorb the blame and responsibility for my breakdown.  My therapists, family, and friends amplified this because they don't understand the nuances of this brand of trauma.  It's insidious as can be.  Only now do I have a therapist who gets it, and my symptoms are so extreme and treatment resistant I don't know that even she can help me.  It may just be a matter of time and perseverance. It is such relentless unbearable distress.  Reading your words and LadyFinn's gives me a new sliver of hope.  I am not alone.  I am not crazy.  We can get through this.

[MaryAnn]

Thank you Shattered for your kind words of support and empathy. 

And, I am going to look up Minwalla's Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma and definitely read it.  Thank you telling us about it. I have yet to really find anything that is written on the subject that has really helped me so I welcome this bit of info and look forwarding to reading it.

I know exactly what you are feeling, experiencing  .   Fortunately I have a T that I can call and he will call me regardless of the time and help ground me.  The last time was really bad and while I was really mad at him at first for landing me in IP, I am grateful now.  It was the best thing for me.  I am gaining traction, but I still do not have much confidence that I will not relapse.  And, I am still with my husband trying to get strong enough to try to deal with our issues again and hope that I can work through it without a relapse.  It is hard to find others that can understand.  I can see it in group therapy.  They do not understand why you would endure it for so long and why you just don't leave.  But, it just is not that easy for us.  When you think you were going to be married forever and that person was your soul mate, it really does "shatter you" and like all hope is lost.  I don't trust him and feel betrayed but all at the same time I want to help him, do not want to hurt him. 

Glad to hear you now have a T that gets it. You are not alone, we are not crazy, and we will get through this.

MaryAnn 

[serkinglight]

Welcome, Shattered

The tale you tell is absolutely harrowing--how devastating all of this has been for you!! I feel for you in your deep torment. You are certainly not alone
in having something like this come along and blindsight you such that your whole reality doesn't hold up anymore. I'm sure everyone with enough life experience
has run across betrayal of some form--I'd been lucky enough to have largely steered clear of it till recently--and when it hits it can hit HARD.
There are a number of highly compassionate and insightful folks here who have reached out to me when I needed it--i'm sure you'll find that here, too. Much warmth
and caring coming your way.

[McKyla27]

Shattered,
I too am new here. Although I had different traumas during my time in the military, my symptoms are similar. I struggled with Bulimia for 10 years and was finally able to manage it after several inpatient centers but have lately struggled with relapse. Something we always have to be vigilant about. I also had my significant other (and his brother who was living with us at the time) make fun of me and mimic me. Mainly my cutting, when I was in despair and my most desperate time. How can people be so cruel and without compassion? C-PTSD can be truly terrifying and overwhelming. All those intense emotions, feeling like you are going crazy, and it all seems never ending. I isolate myself because I don't want anyone to see me like this, or to have my behavior affect them, but at the same time desperately need people. I wish I could tell you something that's worked for me but I haven't found anything (healthy at least) yet. I hope you find the support you need here, and know you're not alone.

[Shattered]

Thank you, McKyla.  You too are not alone.  I relate totally to your description of how terrifying, overwhelming, and unending the symptoms are.  I tend to isolate too, for the first time in my life, but what does help me survive and keep functioning is that I force myself into activities with others. Even though it causes more anxiety, even though I can't feel pleasure, even though it reminds me I'm lost in space while others are engaged in life.....I do it anyway.  If I dont, I'm much worse off.  Too much time alone makes me virtually out of control and not safe.

Just want to encourage you to engage with supportive people, create activities with others, not let yourself go around on the hamster wheel in your head too much.  It truly is the only thing keeping me afloat, especially now that I've separated from my husband. 

I so appreciate your sharing and your kind words of support.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Shattered.

I just wanted to let you know I was in a similar amount of pain about two years ago and it is nothing short of awful     I bottomed out big time. I had many types of assistance dragging myself out of that deep, dark place including therapy, medication, a face-to-face group and talking online at Out of the Fog and then here. 

It all helped but I credit posting at OOTF and here with so much of my recovery - everyone just gets it!  Eventually you begin to realize it's a stress disorder we need to heal from and not that we suffer from a defect of character or are bad, weak.... That takes so much of the blame and shame away.

One suggestion that worked for me is to de-stress what/whenever you can (I went no/low contact with my family who have personality disorders or are enablers, and moved), take it slow (I wanted to get this CPTSD thing over and done with and pushed myself too hard), and self-soothe as best as you can in the moment (I was not at all good at this, but it got easier as I recovered).

Best of all for me was to savour the realization that I was not alone any more. Somehow having people who understood anything I wrote connected me back to being part of the human race and to my sense of self.  I am so proud to be a member of a community of people who are some of the bravest people I have ever met, not to mention kind, compassionate and validating. I hope you find the same thing and that it helps you in your recovery. 

[Shattered]

Kizzie, that is so helpful.  I need frequent reminders that I am not defective, I'm not unlovable, I'm not the "sick" one.  I've frantically pushed myself to heal for over 18 months (every kind of treatment imaginable) to no avail, resulting in more trauma.....especially since I've been labeled a "co-addict", borderline pd (really?? When I never had these symptoms in 59 years?), told I was staying helpless to keep hubby from leaving me, "love-addicted," and "playing the victim."

Sometimes we really ARE victims!!!!  And yes, I know quite well that healing means taking responsibility for my own healing and leaving "victim" status behind, but it's a * of a lot easier said than done.

I especially appreciate your saying to self soothe "as best you can in the moment."  This has flummoxed me more than anything....the strategies that should help me do this often backfire and make me more anxious and derealized, which in turn freaks me out and it becomes a vicious cycle.  It's a relief to hear I'm not the only one. 

I too see OOTF as a hopeful venue to help me heal.  Being here has already helped me feel less freakish, and I am grateful.  Thank you for taking the time to so thoughtfully read my posts and respond so caringly. 🌹🌺🌼

[arpy1]

hi shattered, wanted to welcome you earlier but i have been struggling a bit getting triggered by everything and (mostly) nothing so thought it best to wait till i felt more human again. 

so welcome 

and please don't ever feel freakish, you are so not a freak, just a normal human responding to abnormal situations.  how else were  you supposed to be? 

Sometimes we really ARE victims!!!!  And yes, I know quite well that healing means taking responsibility for my own healing and leaving "victim" status behind, but it's a * of a lot easier said than done.

too right; i really feel for you with the amount of stuff you have had to deal with, and hey, anyone can blame it all on 'victim-mentality', it takes much more courage to put the blame where it belongs, (squarely on the manipulative, crazymaking perpetrator), and still go on to recover and live a healed life inspite of it all.

just know you're not on your own with this. and give yourself a bit of time.  lots of it, actually.   big, painful lesson to learn for me is that it isn't going to go away fast. but it will get better.

[Shattered]

Arpy, thank you for the reminder that it takes a lot of time to get better.  My symptoms took very little time to develop, so it seems that the last 18 months of sheer * have been FOREVER, especially since I have so doggedly and desperately pursued virtually every form of treatment.

My situation is not typical for most with cptsd.  I had issues and psych/emotional childhood trauma, but functioned well, grew, and mostly felt like a normal person with a broken, confusing marriage, until the roof crashed on my head.  I've come to learn that chronic emotional trauma in adulthood can cause cptsd, especially when crowned with the devastation of finding out I was massively betrayed by the husband I trusted and cherished for 40 years.  So I keep questioning whether I can recover, when that might start to happen, and how how how?

I know nobody can answer these questions, but I value the support and camaraderie here at OOTS. It's an important component of my journey toward believing my SELF, and in learning to set better boundaries in service of my precious SELF.  Even though setting them makes me feel like I'm being thrown out of the pack into the snow to be eaten by wolves.  And on top of all this awful, creepy anxiety and derealization.  This is the crisis of my life that I'm desperately trying to survive.

[arpy1]

possibly less atypical than you might think.  i developed cptsd symptoms only a year or two ago, after a mega betrayal event. my crash was also more the result of years of adulthood trauma. (i'm 58). like you, years of functioning. being actually, a general all round Superwoman and rescuer of the whole b..... world's needy, now that i look back at how i was. i have suffered with depressive episodes most of my adult life, but nothing compares to this, seriously. i can relate to so much of what you share. i could share alot but probably don't need to, i have posted a lot here.

i think the thing is, you are   recovering.  you have begun. you actually are in the process surviving the crisis of your life. honestly.
i am a bit sketchy on the 'how' myself, i confess, especially at the moment  becos therapy hasn't worked out for me   but what people here keep trying to remind my (even tho i hate hearing it soooo much) is that it doesn't happen fast. i so want it to, so i can rescue some vestige of self respect    but it doesn't. 

so, i may be at this for the rest of my life. and i am starting to realise i will never be able go back to the way i was.
ok then, so i have to find a new way of being. and maybe a new kind of life will follow.  in any case, do i really want to go back to being the way i was?

superwoman has reached retirement. now she's gonna start to really live...that's a nice thought.

keep your head up dear Shattered. much support to you