guilt possible triggers as I'm just writing from my head without discretion.

[Annegirl]

Every time I think about my mother physically abusing me and my father allowing it to happen, only once he stepped in between me and her when she was about to try and rip my face off. She beat me until I went to another place in my mind. I keep making excuses for her, she was young and was abused herself. When i confronted her recently when she told me how similar my daughter was to me, I got angry, my daughter is still free, she beat all my "rebellion" which is actually assertiveness in a child and is a healthy thing. I told her until you squashed it. She got so angry and said to me "come ON just get over it you went through nothing, I was the one who was treated badly and I would hit you while I was having flashbacks" So i do feel guilty I even said anything to her, and feel like i have nothing to complain about and should be over it all by now. It just adds to the confusion and stops me being present to my children, my husband says to me all the time, "its like you're in a different world." My son is starting to notice me not paying attention too, when he talks to me sometimes. I don't want to be all the time regretting the past and trying to make sense of it, giving my mother the benefit of the doubt, I forgive her and apologized for saying "Until you squashed it" to her, she hasn't emailed back since that day, she was the one who rang and wanted to start being a part of mending our relationship. The week earlier she rang and asked me to forgive her for talking bad about my family to someone.

I just didn't know my life would end up like this, after everything i did for her it never paid off.

[Dutch Uncle]

  to you, dear Annegirl. 

What a creature she is... 

There is NO, I repeat, NO excuse, NONE whatsoever, even IF she had it worse (which she DIDN'T) to dismiss her cruelty she has done to you.
NONE

saying "Until you squashed it"

That's the best thing you've said. It's what she did, and you know it. And you know how utterly she has squashed you.

Words fail me. 

The week earlier she rang and asked me to forgive her for talking bad about my family to someone.

Yeah yeah... You're the one who should forgive, huh. Oh, the guilt she is piling on you. 

I just didn't know my life would end up like this, after everything i did for her it never paid off

NEVER is anything you do going to be good enough. She had it worse remember? You'll never be able to repay that. Literally. Since you never took it from her.

Oh, how I wish I could console you in any way...
, Annegirl, that's all I have to offer.

[Annegirl]

  Thank you Dutch Uncle, your reply brought tears to my eyes.

[stillhere]

Annegirl,

Your story sounds like an endless loop of drama and blame.  Your mother also seems to be competing with you for a worse experience.  I wish the dynamic didn't seem so familiar. 

Chances are she'll never acknowledge your experience.  To do so would require taking responsibility (she was at least part of the problem, yes?) and would mean moving off center stage, where she can star as victim. 

I'm bothered by your apologizing (reminds me of years back, when I did the same).  The process puts you in your "rightful" place, subject to more manipulation.

Is there some way you can establish distance from her?

[MaryAnn]

Hi Annegirl,

Please know that you are not alone and I agree with DU, it does not matter that your mother suffered her own abuse as a child.  It does not give her the right to abuse you as well the same way.  You did not deserve the physical abuse and you should not feel guilty or that you need to forgive her as a result.  I am all too familiar with the phrase, "oh come on, just get over it" followed by another yell that "keep it up and you will find out what real abuse feels like."  When I got older, I tried to tell my dad that I was going to call the police... he told me to go ahead, that they would not believe me anyway.  He also laughed when I told him that I was going to runaway at 14, told me that I could not survive on my own and that I would be back.  But, he was not going to stop me......

I know what you are going through, it is like I am in a different world at times.  I had buried it all and just stayed away from my father as much as possible.  Thought I had gotten past it.  Surprise, nope, I married someone that had some of my father abusive traits and is also a porn addict and the things I learned as a child followed me in to adulthood.  Dissociation, depersonalization.  I was resilient, strong, tough.  Not really, it just appeared that way.  Once your mind and body has had enough and can't bury any of it anymore, well at least for me that is when I broke. 

You are strong person.  We all are.  We had to be to survive the physical and emotional abuse.  My father beat me several times a week with a belt just because I would not eat my peas, or beets, or whatever was on the table that I did not want because I did not like it.  My mother beat me as well until I got a little older like 8 or 9, but she never did anything to protect me from my dad.  The emotional and verbal abuse just never stopped, still goes on today.
Do not feel guilty about saying anything to your mom, it is her that should feel guilty.  You do not owe her anything - apologies, forgiveness, empathy - none of it.  You are setting the example for your own children and changing the course of the patterns of your FOO!    You are strong and are bringing up your children to understand what love and mutual respect feel like, to be their own person!  You go girl! 

Lol, MaryAnn 

[Annegirl]

Dear Stillhere and MaryAnn Thank you!   

You help me see it in a different perspective.
MaryAnn I really get it. Did you end up running away at age 14? i'm hoping you did.
Thanks for your happy energy
 

[MaryAnn]

Hi Annegirl,

Unfortunately I didn't.  I stayed to remain the scapegoat in the interest of protecting my mother and brother at that time.  Then when I went away to college, things got ugly at home.  My mother was admitted for "stress and exhaustion" which we know what that really meant.  She had been writing me weekly since my dad had cut off my calling card (it was the 80's) and telling me everything that was going on but my dad was not aware.  He called me to tell me my mom had a "nervous breakdown" and that it was all my fault and my brother's.  That if we had not been around, everything would be fine between them. That we were the wedge.  This was just 3 months in to my first semester.  I instinctively started planning my return home.  I finished second semester and transferred to a school that I could commute too and live at home to again become my fathers punching bag, in an emotional and verbal sense.  He knew he could not get away with beating me anymore, I was old enough that the police would believe me and I would not have hesitated to call them.   I guess that explains why I like all of the superhero and underdog type movies! 

Anyway, I am paying for all of it now, but I am hopeful that I will be a healthier, happier person, not feel so empty, as a result of working through the recovery process.

Thank you for your kindness!   

[Annegirl]

Oh gee, Im so sorry to hear it went like that. I had a similar thing too, I went to U.S.A to work and was doing well, my brother emailed me and told me my mother was suicidal and couldn't cope with me being away. I thought she must have changed and wants to be nice to me now. It was a bad decision and i wish I hadn't gone back sometimes. I understand your reasoning, I too didn't want to go in the first place as i was worried how my little brother would fare under my mother, i raised him until he was 10 and i left he was the closest to me.
And now they pretend like you never did anything am i right? just messed up people who can't see past the end of their nose. The thing that hurts me the most is my mother doesn't want me around for 8 years i haven't been home as i am the 'disrespectful' one yet my sister and her kids can go see her whenever.