The long road

[JohnnyBoy]

Well, 9 yrs ago I met what I thought was the woman of my dreams, things were were tough, financially, emotionally. She told me she had some "emotional" and "attachment" issues, but I never dreamed just how sick she was. She is pure evil. I abused um I think in just about every way you can think of except sexually. I finally got out. I have three beautiful children ( I have assumed their mine given the ungodly amount of allusions to affairs and outright admittance to two) I love these 3 children unconditionally, they are my babies. I had to go to court last Thursday because she gave them up to her dad and stepdad ( she is supposed to be seeking mental help and AA, she is doing neither), I agreed simply because I do not have a home of my own at the moment (due to so many things that she did and admittedly my complacency toward her, in the split I had little more then the clothes on my back.) I go back this Thursday to finally after 8 yrs, put my name on my sons birth certificate and give that child my name (if she doesn't back out). Wish me luck in going forward with my life, I'm trying to move on but its still so hard and painful to be here heartbroken, and she like "eh whatever" and already on her 4th boyfriend since June,. 

[arpy1]

thinking of you JohnnyBoy, especially for thursday. hope it goes to plan. stay strong.

much support

[JohnnyBoy]

meant to say I was  abused not I abused. But anyway, her step mother after a long talk, was very supportive of my stance. Her exact words were "If what you have told me is true, since we have no way of knowing what is truly going on over there (the apartments where my ex lives), and you've given me no reason to doubt you, my advice; get yourself set up, get these  babies back up there with you and the * away from here."

[JohnnyBoy]

Blushing thank you

[JohnnyBoy]

I have to go back down there tomorrow for one last critical item, to get my sons bc amended, for 8 yrs she has forced that child to be fatherless when his daddy was sitting right there in the house. He and myself have begged her to amend for yrs but she constantly made excuses. Yes it was partly my fault I wasn't put on there to begin with. (Long story.) But hopefully, barring her backing out yet again (and I'm worried cause shes not answering my texts) it will finally be done tomorrow.

[arpy1]

thinking of you tomoro, JohnnyBoy. hope all will go well.

[JohnnyBoy]

my worrying was validated when I got to work today....she od'ed last night and woke up in the hospital, called here wanting me but wouldn't take my cell number, my sister called me...at the start of my shift....and was actually surprised it upset me unbelieveable I was beside myself all night, still going down there, they said something about in absentia, soooo. For the record I know she asked that I contact her dad, if I would of been my sister I would have called her dad myself and waited to tell person B when they got home from work. Just my 2 cents.

[arpy1]

sorry to here what's happened, J/B. i hope you can do the 'in absentia' thing ok, but either way, stand strong and be kind to yourself. this is a lot to deal with. supporting you 

[JohnnyBoy]

thanks guys, its painful to me because I went through this same thing (a parent self harming and attempting suicide, my dad shot himself) I swore my children would never go through anything like, I had issues and I tended to them and have not even considered self harm or suicide since my children were born, but now they are having to deal with, and it kills me.

[stillhere]

Wishing you well today, JohnnyBoy, and hoping all can be resolved so that you can put at least the recent past behind you.

[JohnnyBoy]

Well they refused to let me sign the acknowledgement without her there. And to top it all off, I had to go to her uNPD moms house to get her cellphone #, knowing I was already having a bad day she decides it the perfect time to tell me about what a #$%$ (not saying the poor girl is) my ex has become, tallying how many men shes been with, and that there is supposedly a video going around of her with one. My ex denys it all, and seems genuinely hurt her mother would want to start trouble like that at the time. I spoke at length with my ex today, as predicted she wants back with me, I said no, I can't. I still care about her deeply, can't help it, that's who I am, but she has hurt me in more ways then I can describe. She pushed alittle, asked "what do we do now?" I said "Ex honey there is no we, there hasn't been for quite awhile now." she said "if only you knew how untrue that was" " I said "You should have shown the truth" So, anyway I did jump her case just alitte, ya know, the regular "what the * were you thinkin" bit. upon telling me she was going to end up alone, I said so am I, she said why, isaid because I have 3 kids I have to think about. She said said "I think about the kids too....." I listed off everything she took, think totally flat voiced told her "that kinda tells me you don't" she got upset at first then I think realized what was up when I told her I ripped into my dad the same way and calmed down. I actually was not trying to be mean or hurtful, just making a point and getting her to see an other view. On a lighter note, and happier one, her parents more or less handed me the kids on a plate. She will no longer have access to the children. Their grandmother actually for the first time expressed to the kids that I was working to get us a place so they could come home to me. And she told me step by step what I need to do when the time comes that I'm ready to get them. My babies didn't want me to leave without them. Her dad surprised me by asking me to get my ex and bring her back here so I could straighten her out. I told him that if anything her mother said was remotely true, cant do it, no way, I don't play that way. I feel sorry for him, he wants his daughter away from the apartments shes living in so bad he cant stand it before it kills her. *sighs so do I.

[JohnnyBoy]

Perhaps this is flashback mode, I'm not sure, but the past few days have seemed strangely like those first few weeks after my dad shot himself. So many similarities, diff generations of course....Funny, I can still see and hear what son was playing on MTV in the school library that day (Metallica: Enter Sandman), know what were doing (arranging magazines for the rack) I had an SI. A dear friend of the family and his son walk into the library, tell me they've come to take me home. As this is most un usual, I ask why, he calmly replies "I was getting son out early, so I thought I'd get you too" He being a terrible liar I knew something was up. but kept silent. I knew Dad had been act...strange for acouple weeks, just how bad eluded me. So once in the truck I ask again, "What happened?" He finally tells me " your daddy shot himself son" I asked but already knew "accident or on purpose?" He said "We don't know but I don't think.." I interrupted "We all know how dad is with guns, he knows not to clean a loaded gun, not to fool around with a gun....we know this was no accident"..."Is he dead?" No he said "crtical but stable condition" The rest of the trip in silence.

I remember us kids getting shuffled abit from friends house to aunts house etc etc for about a month, the endless group sessions and office visits for 3 yrs. Teachers asking me for the rest of that school year if I was ok, I told one "Yeah, why not he survived didn't he?" I'll never forget, the teacher replied "Did You?"

That's all I'll say for now...god bless

[arpy1]

JohnnyBoy, i want you to know that you are one amazing guy. the way you handled all that stuff, on top  of the disappointment about the signing. and on top of the heartbreaking flashback the whole thing started off.

i got to say i take my hat off. your kids are so so fortunate to have you for their daddy. i can understand the relief you feel that ex has lost her contact rights just now.  how relieved the grandparents sound that you are doing what's right for the kids.  i know i would be in their position.

and well done especially for how you handled your ex even tho i can imagine it must have been killing you.

i wish i could do more than send you smiley hugs but they come from my heart. keep us posted J/B, we are right with you 

[JohnnyBoy]

Thank you guys so much....I'm tryin so hard...but of course I've always had to be the "The strong one". I was the only boy *shrugs.

[JohnnyBoy]

Oh I almost forgot, and believe it or not, this is actually good news to me, Ive been after my ex to do this for at least the past 2 yrs. Her Dad and stepmom have filed for family first, which means I will be taken out for child support. Now, why is that good news? Because barring any screw ups from the court, My soon will finally be legitimized, with or without my ex's permission.

Ive been sitting here, struggling to figure out why on earth, after she just heard that her daughter had basically died and been brought back, her mother would want to sit there and tell her daughters ex about all her daughters alledged  sexual partners with gory details, I mean she could clearly see I was already upset over other issues, why bring that into the mix. What good could that possible serve? Other then bring me to the breaking point. It didn't though I'm definitely bothered by it as much for myself as believe it or not my ex. I spoke to my ex later, she asked what all her bio-mom had said, I told her the highlights, it upset her alittle of course, but I calmed her down, told her not to fret on what her mother says just focus on herself and getting herself well.