The long road

[JohnnyBoy]

keep me at the hospital

[JohnnyBoy]

*sighs...I cant turn my back on somebody who needs me, never could, such is my cross. I know I need help, and I will get it. I have a relatively strong support system, I guess. Altho in the end whos got my back? *sighs nobody.

[JohnnyBoy]

Alas was wrong about the support system my sister has taken it upon herself to shut me out of the entire family...oh well

[JohnnyBoy]

her and her super duper inflated ego and a mother who is afraid to stand against her basically. Shes mad because I'm toying with the idea of taking my ex back, in essence have taken her back. My sister...and this is indescribably embarrassing to admit has gotten jealous of every women I have ever dated, bad mouthing them, being hostile to them, etc. She quite honestly is a part of the reason I've had so many failed relationships, she runs them off. So, ultimatum time, if I take my ex back, I'm out of the house (duh, of course I am), the doors will be locked, and the phone number changed. But, mom's grandkids can still come over....how exactly is that gonna work out?

[JohnnyBoy]

I will bud...hey one good note.....she agreed to a long term facility for me after refusing it for her dad....so....shrugs who knows. the well is getting pretty damn dry for chances for her though.

[arpy1]

...I cant turn my back on somebody who needs me, never could, such is my cross. I know I need help, and I will get it.

johnnyboy, will you permit me?  i am exactly the same, i have never been able to turn my back.  but i realised it was something in me that was not only damaging me, but actually damaging the object of my help.

i'll tell you right now, that took a whole lot of admitting, to myself, let alone you, now. i had to face the fact, after twenty years of meeting the need, that i had done irrevocable damage to my ex.

the damage was the fact that, by pouring myself into him to meet his need, by being unable to step back and let him face the consequences, awful tho they may be, of his behaviours and choices,  i was consistently reinforcing his maladaptive behaviours (manipulation, moods, emotional blackmail, narcissistic centre-of-the-universe, neediest person in the family). 

i had over two whole decades eroded any chance he might have (he's now in his seventies - too late to change?) of learning how to find real healing, the painful process we on this site are engaged in now.

i helped him so much for so long, i ended up contributing to his self-destruction.  he never needed to change or grow for himself, i never gave him the choice.. i never managed to fix him, johnnyboy, despite my best efforts, i just prevented him learning to fix himself.

i have to live with that and i don't feel proud.

i have to live with what that did to my kids; one angry fighter/narcissist responder, one giving, fawn/freeze responder, in Pete Walker's terminology.  ok, yes i feel contant guilt about my kids, becos i modelled such unhealthy behaviour. i can  only hope and pray that they are able to heal themselves as they grow older.  i try to be positive about them and look on the best side, but here i have opened up a secret pain to you.  i felt i had to somehow.

i realise now that i should have protected myself, and in doing that i would have been both helping him face Reality, rather than perpetuating his fantasy universe, and also most importantly, protecting my kids.  i failed to do that. i lost myself in the process. i hope i haven't caused my kids to get lost too. 

so i hope you will forgive if i stepped over the line here.  and again, whatever your choice, it doesn't alter my support for you. you are a good man and i respect that.

[JohnnyBoy]

You didn't step over the line, I have the same thoughts and feelings running through my head, thus the reason I'm soo conflicted.

[JohnnyBoy]

hey.....can I share a bright spot? MY babies got them a house!!! With me!! just gotta do the court @#%$ ya know.

[arpy1]

wow!!!!! Fantastic news, i'm so pleased for you!

hope the court whatsit stuff goes of smoothly then. Keep us posted, jb. 

[JohnnyBoy]

yes here...across the street from my mom actually, a dear friend of the family who basically adopted my son as her grandbaby passed away acouple weeks ago, her family who basically all adopted my boy lol has agreed to let me and the kids use the home. And the court crap is exactly that, go, drop $250, sign abunch of dead trees, and pray the court sees fit to turn the kids over to me. What is is a transferal of custody, from her parents back to me. Sadly, my ex thinks she still has a say in all of this, that they wont do anything without her seal of approval. Oh and she has been transferred, basically against her will by the hospital to Long term care, so I don't know when she'll be getting out. Wish I could have gotten that APA signed before she got locked up.

[JohnnyBoy]

I got good news and some sucky news today. Good news...I got the position Ive been wanting forever at the plant (cold stamp). Long story short, back in 97 I went to work there, different place then man, anyway I worked one day, all I heard was snickering and several guys including the supers telling me I would never be able to handle the stampers, so the squirreled me away in the parts dept. fast forward to now, I was sent over to cold stamp last night, loved it, asked to be brought back, they did, and they are talking to there super about me being there permanently, now, when I left there in 97 I got to thinkin, all I wanted to do was go in there to those stampers and run those mother$#@%$#s in the ground, and tonight that's exactly what I did, even the super was praising me and gushing on how I was killin it and blowin the numbers out the door *insert big grin. Now bad news, I spoke briefly to my ex at lunch, she may be pregnant from one of her ahem boyfriends. If shes pregnant, I'm done, adios amigos take the next train to I Don't Give A $!#@.

[arpy1]

YAY!!!       big congrats, jb, well done for showing em what you could do!! you must feel proud. and should, too. 

yes it does suck about the ex., that's hard. i'm sorry this situation is bringing such ongoing pain to you. keep us posted.

loads of support 

[JohnnyBoy]

Oh I am, but of course my beloved has totally destroy a good moment lol. Shes so good at that.

[arpy1]

yeah, i had one of those. sucks.

might screw with your head but can't take  away from the fact tho,

u got the job. fact. yay!

[JohnnyBoy]

you made me smile good on ya