Self discovery - Your role in your FOO

[Dutch Uncle]

  woodsgnome

[arpy1]

  to you, wsg.

[woodsgnome]

I've taken lots of personality tests, but today when I got to all that family stuff, my head started spinning, and I lost it. I felt chilled, needed a blanket (on a warm afternoon), actually went to bed early, and will be back there as soon as I'm done with this. Realized maybe I should explain.

I couldn't detach from the horror movie that was in my head. I was totally unwanted and unloved. Not unique, just hurts; as everyone knows, this isn't always some smooth ride over the bumps. As I wasn't wanted anyway, I don't even qualify as lost. The only category that fits any of this is heartbreak.

[BigGreenSee123]

i think, altho this is off the top of my head, that i was the ghost and became the golden becos it probably got me some sort of place in the family. my brother (eldest) and my sister (middle) were always problematic kids, and i was the 'good' one.

...I, too, feel I was (am?) a combination of the ghost/golden child. Causing a fuss wouldn't get me the attention I yearned for so I became the generous, helpful, low maintenance, getter of good grades, oblige the parents and follow the rules kind of kid. I remember once staying up late some night over summer vacation, cleaning the entire kitchen because I was bored and lonely and I thought it would bring me some praise. Of course when it was acknowledged I shrugged it off as though it meant nothing (God forbid I let anyone know I actually want them to care about me).

I also voted for caretaker because initially caretaker and golden child were one in the same for me. But the more I think about it the more I can see a subtle difference between them. I think it still suits me, though; I stick by my vote. Especially after my parents split, I felt like I picked up the mini mom role. I somehow decided it was my job to keep things organized and, likely more harmfully, it was my job to keep everyone happy and everything okay. The emotional caretaker.

[tiggerd2]

I've been several depending on the years.

Growing up- my oldest sister was the golden, perfect child- smart, beautiful, popular and never did anything wrong. But when she was 21 she had a glass of wine, 2 weeks later she wanted a glass of wine and diagnosed herself as alcoholic and has gone to AA ever since, because she WANTED to have a glass of wine. She hasn't drank since she was 21 (she's 62 and has had 1 glass of wine in her life). She also has her Masters and has difficulties keeping a job because her supervisor's want to supervise her and she won't tolerate someone checking on what she does. She is more than controlling and will tell me everything I'm doing wrong.

My middle sister was the ghost- quiet, introverted, never did anything wrong she got caught doing- she drank and got high. She is 6 feet tall and has a small, quiet baby voice as she is sending me healing rays of light right after she slams me for doing everything I've done "wrong" since the age of 8 years old. She is the person who calmly tells my parents what they should be doing as the spokesperson for my sister.

Me- I was the scapegoat. I was the reason why the family had problems but I was the 'problem child' because I was the "wild child"- I snuck out at 2 in the morning to talk to my friends (all 3 of them)- but I didn't do drugs or drink. I skipped school so I could go to class with other people I knew in their schools. I was mean and hateful when I hit my 'perfect sister' in the nose with her mirror when she was singing "I am pretty, oh so pretty" the song from West Side Story. I was angry and I talked back forcing my dad to beat me (of course I forced him to beat me- right). Yes I was angry. Yes I acted out my anger.

When I got older I became the golden child. I got 2 degrees graduating with the honors people get and was asked to join associations. I was a federal disaster nurse. I went to countries in Africa to give vaccines- my parents are "so proud of me"- garbage.   

I then again became the scapegoat-by exposing my dad's lies he has used all his life as an excuse for his actions. I ask for the truth- now why did dad really have to retire when he just turned 55 y/o because he could handle all the stress?
Problem child- I got a divorce from diagnosed psychopath/NP- my parents loved him at the time and now say they warned me of him for years. But I was overly emotional and needy. Now, I just a problem, in the way, causing problems for everyone. I'm crazy and unstable. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you for sharing that, tiggerd2. 

Quite a story, that FOO. 
I can relate.

[tiggerd2]

Dutch Uncle
It's funny when my parents say they are so proud of me for what I've done because I see what other people do and it's so much more. My parents keep me in line with "it takes so much more to be a (hospice nurse, pediatric nurse, ER nurse, about any other nurse) than what I am.
I also can bring up things my oldest or middle sister does but I'm told -so, she--blah blah blah explanation.
I don't have a problem saying all the hurtful things I've done (well, yes I do but that's because guilt and shame- not because I don't want to take ownership for my actions)

[missbliss]

I was the scapegoat till I became the problem child. They still tried to scapegoat me, but I refused to cooperate, went basically bat-sh*t crazy, calmed down for a few years then the child became the Hermit who never wanted to be around people again.

But I do caretake - always have - I used to caretake like Cinderella - cleaning the house, cooking etc - caring for my mother. Then that stopped. Was always a caretaker for animals. Now it is solely my cats and plants. And when I can - the environment. 

[tiggerd2]

I prefer those "caretaking" qualities. Those are the one's which give me comfort.

[steamy]

Appologies for the confusion. Yes just to be clear, my parents assigned me the scapegoat and problem child.

I assigned myself the invisible child and golden child getting out of the house as much as I could and achieving at school so that I could leave home.

[Blueberry]

This is interesting. I always thought my family scapegoated me, but I hadn't realised that was a role I chose for myself. I tried to tell the truth for years. I'm still at it in fact. Oh dear. FOO did scapegoat me too, that's clear. They also treated me as one of 2 Problem Children, but that in my case (maybe not so much in my brother's case) was just a form of scapegoating. I was really innocent - no drugs, no alcohol, no late nights.

I also tried so hard to be a Helper, help others to see the truth for instance.

A number of therapists think I tried to be invisible, which is true too, come to think of it. I tried not to exist. Don't know if that fits your definition of Invisible Child though.

[Saule]

I was assigned both the Problem Child and the Scapegoat by my parents, in response I tried to become the Golden Child. So growing up  I was strange mix of all three.

[sanmagic7]

from what i've learned, we can be all 6 of these roles at various times in our lives, depending on what the family (or other group we're involved in) calls for and needs.   i have been all these roles at one time or another.  i've switched, both in my family and with groups of friends.  i could be the clown/center of attention one minute, and invisible the next.  it all depended on what the 'party' needed me to be or what i felt comfortable with being. 

i was the perfect child, the truth teller, the entertainer, the addict, the rebel, and the invisible child in my family.   i could flow seamlessly from one to another.  with other groups of friends, i was whatever was needed to balance the group.  i was not a competitor, per se, so it didn't matter to me if someone else got the attention or was the 'bad' one or whatever.  i'd just fill the blank space.  i call it chameleon living.

[Candid]

I identify unequivocally as the Scapegoat. It still reverberates. I'm in a total mess now and pinning my hopes on trauma counselling that hasn't started yet... after about 35 years in the MH world and things getting worse all the time.

Thanks for starting this thread, DutchUncle.

[Blueberry]

Good luck, Candid. Hope your trauma counselling starts soon, and is supportive and helpful.