Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)

[Kizzie]

This thread is a continuation from Part 1.

[Dutch Uncle]

...I actually turned down a surprise invitation by my SIL(from bro) to visit them, "Your mom will be here too" being a (understandable) tempter. (she's not in-the-know.) My reaction was very 'primal': "No way!" (said my Inner Protector), and I texted straight back: "Thanks for the invitation, but I can't make it tonight."
The good thing is that by doing so I realize, the morning after, I'm beginning to shed one of the 'scoring points' at my SCID-II:

Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

which is a diagnostic for Dependent PD. (which I have not, since I only scored 2/8. It still is something I could do without  )

Yay me, and Yay SCID-II 

edited to add:
And Yay to knowledgable and capable psychologists, Yay to science and to peer-reviewed and regularly revised diagnostic tools. Thanks for all the effort you put in, folks! 

[arpy1]

 

you know what, D/U, you're really taking some steps lately. Respect to you.  Be Proud!!

[Dutch Uncle]

It's so good to be able to 'out' these little victories, these 'baby steps', to people who know how much effort and diligence had to be put in to make them.
Those from luckier backgrounds go "Huh? What's all the fuzz about?"

[Kizzie]

.... I am distracted.

And it's because of the age related health issues I am currently facing. I realized today just how much of an inner dialogue is going on about this, and how much my energy and focus is being taken up. I am more forgetful and I am making little mistakes here and there that are clearly borne of distraction, things I wouldn't normally do.

The inner dialogue that is hardest to deal with is the one about finally made some decent progress in recovery from CPTSD, only to be faced now with physical issues which are life altering.  I could really use a little coyote howling at the moon emoticon. This will have to do     Oh, and this one    - it's just plain sad.

[arpy1]

i am so sorry you are sad and frustrated, dear Kizzie, what you're having to deal with just sucks.   wish there was something i could say to help, but i am standing with you anyway.

[Kizzie]

Thanks so much arpy     

[Cocobird]

I reminded myself that I am functioning and feeling better. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.

[Dutch Uncle]

***possible trigger on violence***

(highlight to read)

my "Freeze" response consists of: "OK, you may beat me up now. I will no longer run from you." (= ending the "Flight" response)

I vividly remember I have done this one time when my brutal and physically abuse father was after me (as far as I can remember over some rebellious act I had done towards TherapistMom), and I ran to escape his wrath, when I suddenly decided to stop running, turn around and said: "Ok, beat me up. I don't care."
He then didn't beat me. To my surprise.
But I think I've never stopped using this technique. It has proven to be such an effective technique.
Not really though.
More often then not this Freeze response of mine gets me into big trouble.
Not everybody passes on the opportunity to beat me up.
And quite possibly I even do this to people/circumstances where nobody is even intending to beat me up.
Not good. 
It's part of my "Learned Helplessness".

I'm happy I've seen this now. Even though it's a wry happiness... it's awareness.
I should cry, but I can't.
Yet.

edit: replaced "Fawn" with "Freeze". I'm a Freeze type, not a Fawn-type as I misunderstood the meaning of the term "Fawn"

[Dutch Uncle]

It's international Women's Day.

Hi Ladies  , it's wonderful to have you around.   

You Go Girls! 

[MaryAnn]

I am unemployed.....

So it has come to this.  I keep working and trying to learn so many new emotions and feelings that I have either never allowed myself to experience or understood enough to manage in a healthy way.  I am learning a big one now.  I was in a state of shock yesterday.  I am starting to come out of it today.  I am trying to accept my current reality.  It still all feels like a bad dream.  I have had a career of 24 years with my "past" employer.  Have made so many friendships and love the people I work with, will do anything to help them.  Of course, that is partly me because I feel like I do not deserve anything unless I am doing everything I can to help them.  In other words, it is not that I am a selfless person, just that I am selfish in a different way.   

I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I tried to trust people like I have never trusted before.  I had my "teeth" knocked out about six months ago and was removed from a management position without any warning and after several years of positive reviews.  It had taken me six months to regain my footing.  I went back at it and this time there was no demotion, no concern for my well being, no empathy for what I was trying to deal with and overcome.  There was no discussion just like six months ago, no documentation of anything I had done wrong.  Just a "This isn't going to work out so we are separating from you, this is your last day with us.  We are terminating your employment.  I am a workaholic so my employer was like home to me.  I feel like I was kicked out of the house and told never to come back by my parents. 

Not sure how many more times I can pull myself up from being kicked down but I know I have too in order to survive.  The negative thoughts continue and without any separation.  I am thankful that this forum exists.  It has helped me many times and will again.  Just being able to express freely helps me to be able to sort out what I am feeling and what it all means so I can learn new ways to manage these types of situation.

Lol, MaryAnn  

[Errorzone]

I am unemployed.....

So it has come to this.  I keep working and trying to learn so many new emotions and feelings that I have either never allowed myself to experience or understood enough to manage in a healthy way.  I am learning a big one now.  I was in a state of shock yesterday.  I am starting to come out of it today.  I am trying to accept my current reality.  It still all feels like a bad dream.  I have had a career of 24 years with my "past" employer.  Have made so many friendships and love the people I work with, will do anything to help them.  Of course, that is partly me because I feel like I do not deserve anything unless I am doing everything I can to help them.  In other words, it is not that I am a selfless person, just that I am selfish in a different way.   

I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I tried to trust people like I have never trusted before.  I had my "teeth" knocked out about six months ago and was removed from a management position without any warning and after several years of positive reviews.  It had taken me six months to regain my footing.  I went back at it and this time there was no demotion, no concern for my well being, no empathy for what I was trying to deal with and overcome.  There was no discussion just like six months ago, no documentation of anything I had done wrong.  Just a "This isn't going to work out so we are separating from you, this is your last day with us.  We are terminating your employment.  I am a workaholic so my employer was like home to me.  I feel like I was kicked out of the house and told never to come back by my parents.

I can relate in a sense. I really don't know what's worse, being unfairly punished for something, or being punished with no given reason. Especially the bit about being kicked out by parents, but in this case she made it clear what she was kicking me out for... anyway, there I go making it about myself as I usually do.

I also sometimes ponder how I'd have a lot less trouble if I just played it smart and not made an * of myself. But remember that you weren't the one who made the decision, they were. It's their lack of far-sightedness that got you into this mess, not yours. I'm sure the people at your workplace are gonna have a not-as-pleasant next 24 years without you.

Not sure how many more times I can pull myself up from being kicked down but I know I have too in order to survive.  The negative thoughts continue and without any separation.  I am thankful that this forum exists.  It has helped me many times and will again.  Just being able to express freely helps me to be able to sort out what I am feeling and what it all means so I can learn new ways to manage these types of situation.

I too am thankful that this forum exists, even though I've been on it for under a week. To relate to others and be able to feel confident in the solidarity your fellow man is, in my opinion, one of the most basic human needs.

Anyway, today I realized that... well maybe not realized but discovered that my transfer application to a new college got accepted. I was pretty anxious over that. The school I'll be attending this fall is 250% better than the one I'm currently going to, plus the fact that I'm going to be living on-campus means that I won't have to worry about the ridiculous transportation costs (both wallet- and energy-wise) that were taking a toll on my daily life and academics.

[Sienna]

Hey Dutch,
What a realization to have, and a very sad one too. 

You have been in terifying situations, and part of me thinks, that sometimes we surrender, / agree with the abusers / for many reasons- and thats not what should be,
but it was all we could do, - so you could also look at it another way too and see that you were very brave, to say that to your father, and to stop running.

Its sad that it still is in you now, this response, but hopefully it won't be forever, now that you are aware of it, and hopefully will work through it...
I relate to this a lot, and i also think, from my own experience, that we self sabotage, weather consciously or un consciously, when we fawn and give in, when we don't do what is best for yourselves.
When we say yes when we mean no, in fear, of many things, and when we let others hurt us.

Only, we are doing it to protect ourselves, which isn't utterly giving in, though it can make us feel stuck and powerless.

Im sorry that you can't cry. I hope that if you wish to, you will be able to in time.

Indigo

[Dutch Uncle]

I relate to this a lot, and i also think, from my own experience, that we self sabotage, weather consciously or un consciously,

Yes , I definitely do self sabotage. I have faint memories from my 20's where I was seriously troubled by what I suspected was self sabotage, self destructiveness and I even dubbed it a sort of masochism. It confused the heck out of me. It was never physical, this self sabotage, but rather an insistence not to thrive. "I do not have a fear of failing", I told myself, "but a fear of succeeding".
And I still have this. And so I start slacking, procrastinating, thereby assuring I will not succeed. What I somehow get out of that is that at least I can fully agree I flunked, and wouldn't have had it in another way. It's a sure way my standards are being met.
If that makes sense.    To me it does, although I realize it's quite a dysfunctional sense.

Perhaps I have been beaten up so often, both physically and verbally, for a non-failure that I do not dare to risk something like that again. If I get beaten up anyway, than please let it be for me really doing something stupid. At least I can nod my head in agreement in that event. And do I not have to feel ashamed. A threshing I earned! At last.    (or should that be  ? I wouldn't be surprised if I have fleas... :shudders: )

[woodsgnome]

Today I realized that...

...hope is just another concept designed to keep the treadmill's occupants steadily spinning in circles, progressing towards...more concepts (recovery, steps, movement)...arriving again...back at hope. Somehow it seems further away but 'they' say it's there, just ahead (again)...the steady pace on the treadmill becomes just another reluctant step, and...