New here, looking for support

[Aml]

I'm new here, I'm glad I found this place. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after going into counseling for past trauma. I also have major depressive disorder, social phobia, and gad. For about 3 years I have been unable to function, and have been battling severe depression and anxiety. I have always had depression and anxiety and have usually been able to function.... Until I quit drinking 5 years ago and went into grad school for social work. I had a huge breakdown after I left school and was unable to find a job. Now I'm wondering if all my problems are actually caused by ptsd and not depression and anxiety, if what actually happened was that I was re traumatized and triggered.

I am currently applying for disability and have a hearing this month, after which I will know the decision after 1-3 months. I'm in a bad spot, and am in danger of becoming homeless (as I have not paid my rent in almost a year). The worst part about this experience is that the mental health and social service system has been very re traumatizing for me-- they don't care if you could become homeless, if you don't have enough money for rent, if your foodstamps aren't adequate or don't have money for transportation. They label you, shame you, and stigmatize you. Or, if you're not in a specific population, you can't qualify for certain services (e.g. Not eligible for half fare metro card because I'm not on disability, can't get public housing because I'm not homeless). It's stuff that doesn't make sense, but they don't even care about it. It has also been shaming that I have experience as a mental health professional, but have had to go through this experience as a client. I even ran into a former classmate at the welfare office and now I'm paranoid that people I know will find out who I've become.

I have also been in a long term relationship which hasn't been helpful. Since I've gotten sick, my boyfriend has been unsupportive financially and emotionally, blaming me and my depression for our relationship problems and not wanting to live together, saying that he didn't want to feel trapped or like he had to take care of me. I found out recently that he is a sex addict, which puts a new light on things. I have to decide this week whether or not to continue the relationship, or whether I want to even try any more or have enough love for him to do so.

So, right now, I'm hoping I can survive enough to be able to get stable housing and feel safe enough so that I can heal... But it's tough to think that I can survive this and be able to return to having a full time job or be able to succeed in life. I feel I've tried hard in life and have nothing to show for it. But I am still hoping that I get can through this and heal. I have to believe that there's a way I can get through this and become a happy and a healthy person.

[Trees]

Hi Ami, I am glad you found this site.  What we do here is share information and support as we each try to deal with the consequences of CPTSD in our lives.

It does sound like your depression and anxiety are likely just symptoms of the cptsd, as they are for many of us.  It often happens that events in adulthood will trigger memories of previous extensive abuse.  For some of us, this changes the course of our lives.  And that sure can be difficult to deal with, as I know personally.

Your story reminds me a lot of mine.  I also had a huge breakdown, became unable to work, and had to apply for disability.  It was an extremely traumatizing experience, and I also felt a sense of great shock that the professionals could not help me more.  Also, it is very complicated to negotiate the public health and social service system, and my brain was already totally frazzled by all the depression and anxiety, so I felt completely overwhelmed.

The humiliation was huge, especially when I ran into people I had known in better days.  And there are not many significant others who can weather so much chaos in a relationship.  So you have my deepest sympathies and empathies as you work on staying afloat.

Right now the most important thing is to obtain disability.  When I look back on my own experience, I would say that trying to comport myself with dignity was a mistake, because I failed to communicate how desperate and terrified and brain-foggy I was.  But then I had an appointment at the Social Security office the day after I had been released from a 72-hour hold at County Mental Health for being suicidal (back in 1995).  (I had even chopped off my own hair real short during the previous weeks of despair.)  When they handed me forms to fill out, I just got hysterical right there in the office and thank heavens there was a sympathetic employee who helped me with them.  When they sent me more supplemental forms to fill out, I called them up and got hysterical again, because I could not think well enough or deal with the trauma details well enough to write a coherent sentence.

Being hysterical in public is deeply deeply humiliating, and I don't recommend it.  But too much composure will work against an applicant for disability, IMHO.  And anger, although a perfectly logical reaction to the situation, will also work against the applicant. 

You have worked very hard in life, and are continuing to work very hard, and you do not deserve to be in this current situation where you find yourself.  You deserve safety and peace and respect.  You deserve protection and love and compassion.  You deserve for all your hard work to be rewarded with success and recognition.  You deserve many many hugs, Ami !   
       

[arpy1]

adding a big to you too, aml.

well, that is a whole lot of stuff to deal with, and having to access social services at a time like this sounds as dire where you are as it is here. much support to you.    i echo trees' comment about concentrate first concentrating on getting the disability, becos as here, it probably opens out a raft of other services.

the relationship thing sounds so painful too, i wish you well as you come to a decision about it. 

things seem to pile on us when we are down, don't they.  but take credit for the fact that you can list all those horrendous experiences and still say

But I am still hoping that I get can through this and heal. I have to believe that there's a way I can get through this and become a happy and a healthy person.

there is your innate strength and courage showing thru even in such a dark place. respect for that.

it's helped me enormously to find a bunch of supportive, kind folks who understand. i hope it will you too.

[Aml]

Thanks to both of you for your kind words. It makes me feel welcome. Sorry I am not too articulate right now... It is nice to know that others have experienced the same thing. I am doing all the right steps to get disability, so hopefully it will work out. It is two weeks away... I feel like I just need to get through this and I'll be okay.

[arpy1]

keep us posted, Aml.  thinking of you, hope it all goes straightforwardly. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi aml
Thank u for sharing it helps me tonight too
I can relate to what u say re depression / anxiety . I have suffered these for all of my life - I am still on anti dep and am slowing coming off ( again will see if it works this time )
Congrats on 5 yrs sober - me too it's much better sober
I have just come out of a relationship he is an addict in recovery - I just couldn't get what I needed or deserved and so left -
It's much better now being single being in a unhappy relationship is horrible

Have hope ! Things will change and I believe in keeping strong and focused on a good outcome - life changes and getting the right support for us is a must
Sending u best wishes and to say that ' you deserve a good life

[On the edge of hope]

How are you, Aml? Please update us