Blame?

[Dyess]

This word comes up a lot, though not with me. I find it hard to blame anyone or anything that happened for where I am today. I guess I don't really find a negative intent with most, but then some I do, but did they know how bad this would affect me later in life? So of the things that we have been dealing with have been going on through generations and have been kept secret and lives went on. I guess now people are more open, more sensitive to trauma and interested in finding out core issues. But does it make any difference? I mean we know the truth, we know harboring anger, guilt, shame does nothing for us. As long as we let it control us the abuser still have some control over us. We need to take that power away.......but still, how do you stop the memories?

[MaryAnn]

I wish someone could tell me how as well.  I am not angry, do not really get mad and never at another person.  I get my feelings hurt by others and then blame myself, feel ashamed, and try to figure out what I did wrong.  I had suppressed any memories of what I went through as a child for a very long time.  I pretty much shut out that I had a childhood at all (if you want to really call it that).  I was really more of a small adult.  Never really went anywhere, no vacations, no fun allowed  .  All things that many others that lived in the neighborhood or I went to school with got to every year, month, or at least fun everyday. 

Now the dam broke and I can't stop thinking about what happened because it all relates or contributes to why I am struggling today. The core beliefs, how I identified myself was ingrained in me from at least the age the of 4 but probably from the day I was born.  I just don't remember anything before age 4.  I identified myself always as bad, ashamed of who I was, how I looked, worthless, defective, not deserving of anything.  That was my sense of self, and like to say I have no sense of self, but that is not true  .  My sense of self has never changed, I just tried to bury it and forget, tried to convince myself that I didn't know my real self.  Well, I realize I probably still do not know my real self, who I was meant to be.  But I do have a sense of self, it is just a negative, unhealthy, sick one.  I have learned so much over the last couple of years but I cannot seem to change these core beliefs and continue to beat myself up everyday.  How does someone that has been taught to believe this way about themselves and has never known any other way, actually learn how to love and accept themselves, and truly believe in their mind?

MaryAnn

[stillhere]

In thinking about these questions, I've found Pete Walker helpful.  His formulation is to confront the abuser by confronting the inner critic.  The idea is to shift the blame and work on "angering."  I can't say I've done so all that effectively.  I can't access anger.

Apparently, though, recovery should mean putting memories in their place -- that is, remembering but with the perspective of time and distance.  I would like to look forward to that experience.  But it can't fundamentally change the story -- or shift the blame. 

Two or three times (over decades), I've been accused of "blaming" my FOO.  Those few altercations have taught me to be wary of telling my story, as we've been discussing on another thread.

[MaryAnn]

Hi Stillhere,

I also read Pete Walkers book and found parts of it helpful.  I tried to shift the blame and work on angering.  I have not been able to access anger either.

I have been journaling in an effort to write down the memories, the events of my childhood into adulthood in a chronological order so I can try to make sense of how I have ended up here.  Figure out how to shift the blame or rid myself of the blame, shame, and guilt that I should not be beating myself up about but rather someone else or at least rationalize them and accept them without blaming anyone necessarily.

While it is triggering for me to be around my FOO, I still feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with me that makes me unloveable, defective, and not worthy.  So I have not learned to blame them, be angry with them.  I just don't want to be around them because they remind me all over again.  I am triggered by them and I try to figure out what I did that was wrong that they would physically and emotionally neglect and abuse me.  I mean it has to be me (even though I should know better) since my husband has threatened me and emotionally abused me.  And my boss of many years from the time I graduated college until his retirement abused me emotionally and threatened me.  It has to be me, I bring out the worst in the people I am closest to which is not many.  I do not know how to change and find love for myself.  I never received love, comfort, acceptance from day one of my life.  I was always an outcast, something not really wanted. I have read several books and have tried to learn how to love myself, but I get no where.  It is very frustrating and painful.  Any thoughts or experiences with this are greatly appreciated.

Lol MaryAnn 

[woodsgnome]

Perhaps blame is just a part of the grief resulting from a situation (cptsd) that produced such intense shame and loneliness. And these feelings we associate with events involving other people, so it's natural to want to find someone or something to blame for the misaligned stars; until one reasons that placing blame really doesn't get at much more than the surface, the appearance side of things.

Blame can help blow off steam, but you're still left with where to take your life, on your own terms. Except for those intrusive memories which affect the hearts, minds, and bodies of many who were so wounded by what happened. It's tempting to cast about for blame at that point, but doing so can also distract from what really needs fixing in one's broken life. Still, the anger can be understood and the blame that comes with it; they're just not ever going to provide the fix.
 
Blame is just a thought on the way to another thought, neither right/wrong, bad/indifferent, 'cause the thoughts just happen. I've tried to stop thoughts and failed every time; they slip through no matter what. Then we choose what to do about them. The blame can be let go of, yet those memories aren't so easily discarded. Triggers and EF's bring 'em right back. We still want to blame, it's like a gut instinct, but it still won't fix anything either.

Perhaps it's easier to feel better when we realize we're not in that old movie anymore. We can certainly blame as we review the scenes, but then we hit the street and we're back in the present, albeit with those memories of what we saw happen to us.

Too many of the people in my life's movie didn't seem to have any sense of what they were doing, which bothers me more than if they had meant to be as cruel and sadistic as I experienced them. That would make it easier to understand; instead I have this pile of confused thoughts about people whose actions were so contrary to what they told me and the world they were all about.

I can throw away any blame and still feel just this pounding grief--what was that all about? My only feelings come out as wild confusion.  And intense sadness about what happened, blame or no blame.

One can throw the blame down the river, but the memories stick around. So all we're left with is to try and figure, or wonder why we really can't just let it all go, like so many tell us to do. Then the blame shifts inward, and it really gets wacky.

[Annegirl]

My T told me once (in the beginning when i was very angry at my mother because it seemed to me like everything she does and did to me was on purpose to try and make my life hard as she told me that about life) that blame is a hindrance to finding peace, and once we stop feeling blaming others we find more peace. So to me not having anger but knowing what they have done looks to be a positive step.

MA Shame however may be keeping you from seeing the real picture.

Trace, memories i think we have to sit through.  it strengthens us and helps us know what to do I believe when we allow the memories, sit with them and sit through this pain. I believe it helps us get through it in a healthy way rather than stifling them with alcohol or drugs or other ways.

[Dutch Uncle]

Blame...

Pfew. I find it difficult. I struggle with it.
I think that I have just started to unravel the enmeshment of Blame, Anger and Shame. Since I have started to come out of the FOG. It's a process, and I haven't traveled far yet.
Somewhere on these boards (or in articles I've read) it was said that shame is blame turned inwards. I think that's true.

Blaming is frowned upon, in the society I live in at least. We are all responsible for our own actions, right? The imperative of self-determination. Well, not so much I'm afraid.
When I 'complain' about my FOO, how they treat me and how I now see that their behavior has a negative, dysfunctional effect on me, that it makes me behave dysfuctionally, it has been said to me: "Ah, you put the blame on them!". I'm not allowed to that, apparently.
I guess there is a point to it, but only insofar I cannot change them. But that does not negate that I have started to see cause and effect, and that frowning upon 'blame' sails dangerously close to "Blaming the Victim", if it is not outright exactly that.

Over the past years I have at least learned I am angry, and that a lot all of the abuse that was inflicted upon me is really something to be angry about! Somebody here spoke of "warranted anger". Well yes, there is a lot of anger that is warranted.
Am I right to be angry over the torture my brother inflicted on me? Damned right I am!
Am I right to be angry that my mother told me to suck up his torture? Damned right I am!
Am I right to be angry that those were the first lessons in internalizing my rightful anger over the physical abuse by my brother? Damned right I am!
Am I right to be angry that those were the first lessons in internalizing my rightful anger over the emotional neglect and abuse by my mother? Damned right I am!
Is all that anger 'blame'? I don't know. I do shy away (pun intended) to accept if I would call it 'blame', if only for the rebuke I get for such thing. So I don't even want to go there. Not now at least.
But I am starting to embrace my anger over all what was done to me. And it's good to release that anger. If only for I am now learning that if I end up in a similar situation, I'm capable of being angry in the moment. And boy, is angry-in-the-moment a powerful tool to prevent abuse, or at the very least make it stop in it's tracks.

Perhaps blame can only exist if it's impossible to express anger (such as in the case of a child being abused). Than you're only left with the option of blaming the other, and if you are not even allowed to do that, there's no other route for it than to turn into shame.

This post was a bit of free association. Sorry if it's not very clear or contributing. I'm shaking as I type this. There's still a lot of unresolved anger in me.

[Dyess]

Dutch Uncle. The post is fine and it's good to let it out and see it in words. You made some good points. That may be a clue for me because I really can't get angry now. Not that they were not wrong, but that they do not deserve any part of me now mentally or physically. I will not give that power. I can't really blame my parents for some of the stuff, they were doing the best they could, IMHO. Anyway, gotta go hit the road now. I will try to check in, or maybe not, Everyone take care and know I am here with you in thought.

[woodsgnome]

Dutch Uncle wrote:

"There's still a lot of unresolved anger in me."

For sure. Anger, blame, shame; what a combustible mix! Whatever this pain amounts to, they're all easily stirred into action, sometimes together, and they vary over time. For me, at least, it's all like the weather in certain climates...wait a while, it'll change.

Maybe this is all like releasing balloons--you release 'em 'til the next special event comes along--pardon the pun--the next blow-up. And we're attracted to different balloons in certain circumstances, then release them into our shared sky. (So, I'm a sucker for metaphoric language, humour me)

And what I said in parentheses just now probably shows my own sorest points--self-blame and insecurity. It's awful, in my case--I'm filled with it. If I look around for blame, there's a ton of outside candidates, and sometimes I find my blame balloon for them . Then comes the crossroad of "where to from here". And all roads lead back to me, where I still have the self-blame/insecurity balloon...sure wish I could release that. Not only are they the hardest to release, but they're almost puncture-proof as well.

The trip is called being human, no matter the words we struggle to describe it with.

[stillhere]

I am struck by how loaded the notion of blame is.  It carries so much cultural baggage, about merit, guilt, obligation, individualism, and much else. Perhaps the word "responsibility" would be better?  To suggest that those who might be blameworthy are/were responsible for their actions connotes less name calling.

All the same, abusers need to be blamed.  One common thread for people with CPTSD is the minimizing of experience.  Walker writes about this phenomenon, but so have a great many people on this forum.  A failure to place blame where it belongs had led a lot of us to deny the problem and place ourselves at risk or at least in unhappy situations that we might reasonably want to avoid. 

I first confronted this question a few decades back, after a particularly violent episode with my uNPD mother.  I told the story to a T whose response was, "I want to cry.  No one should have to live through that."  For the first time, I think, someone had responded without implicitly telling me to "learn to handle it."  Even now, the memory is liberating. 

Years later, though, I'm still trying to sort out the question of anger.  Seems I can be clear about blame without feeling angry.  Maybe that's OK.  But I suspect it's short-circuited a process that would be healthier. 

 

[Annegirl]

I agree with these responses. I see the anger etc and I also have too much anger and have had it so much since I was a child it seems it is a part of me although I wish it had never been put in me. I believe everyone is born with healthy anger and when shown by parents 'right' reactions in their own time of stress how to deal with anger then children can learn from them.
So yes I also blame my mother for making me very unhealthily angry and I have done wrong things with it, which makes me more angry at her.

Stillhere, I love your T's response of "i want to cry" this is necessary validation  

[fairyslipper]

This is such a great thread. I never let myself feel blame or anger toward my parents and other abusers either. Could not access it. In our home and even after I moved out, anger, from me especially was not allowed or even heard except maybe briefly as an excuse to punish. So for many many years, my feelings were shoved down, stifled so long, some seemed to have died off and others like anger I was convinced were just BAD, and I was BAD if I felt that. Fast forward to 30 years later when I got cancer. Wow. For me cancer saved my life. Truly.  At that time my NMom was being her absolute worst toward me and enabling father was her weakling sidekick. Getting sick like that gave me the courage to finally FEEL for the first time in my life. It was so raw and liberating. The top finally blew off. The anger terrified me but it was something I knew needed to come out. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me work through the blame and anger and in a sense gave me permission to feel everything. I credit her with so much of my healing. I would say I was pretty furious for a year anyway...........just realizing all that had happened and been dismissed by my foo.........having my eyes open for the first time and feeling like I finally had someone on my side. The anger eventually tapered and became more balanced. I got to a place where I was able to confront... at the time my parents were doing something abusive..... rather than stuff it down and let it fester and give birth to possibly another illness down the road. I think that anger and blame eventually does come for most of us, and it is so scary, but it is ok. We were never allowed to feel our feelings. But if we are able to work through it  - because I do agree, the abusers  deserve their blame.....we finally jump start our own healing where our reality is what is really happening and not what we are being told is happening. For me at least the blame and anger were a huge part of finally feeling free from so much that had happened. Honestly it felt empowering.

[stillhere]

You're right, Fairyslipper.  We can't name what happened without blaming.  Someone was responsible.  CPTSD comes out of a social context with unequal power.  My sense is that anyone who's acknowledged the conditions has somehow acknowledged the blame.  Whether that acknowledgment is public (and, if so, to whom) is another question.  As I've learned, some would like to deny the abuse or explain it away , often by acknowledging the abuser's experience and encouraging some version of forgiveness.

I commend you, though, for accessing your anger, though I'm sorry it took a life-threatening illness to get there.  I am struggling with that question.  I don't think I've ever felt angry.  Rather, I've moved from fear to sadness to a state of numbness where anger might better reside.  I've been mulling this question over for a while.

So if you're willing to discuss some aspect of the process, I'd like to know.

[fairyslipper]

I would love to stillhere 

[stillhere]

Southbound, your story is harrowing.  An entire day of "mediation" for what?  I'm guessing your FOO or at least some of its members was seeking to put you in your place, whatever place that might be.  Your story seems especially frightening, perhaps because I might narrowly have escaped something similar.

About twenty-five years ago, soon after I'd gone NC with my uNPD mother, she hired a "therapist" who called with an offer:  my mother would pay to have me treated for my "problem."  I was by then living far from my parents, before email or Skype.  This "treatment" was to take place by phone and through long-distance travel to my parents' home.  The "therapist" (I have no idea who this woman was) would mediate a family resolution through which I would "deal with" my "problems with my mother."  I answered back that my mother was the problem (after all, she'd named me as the problem, right?).  And the "therapist" told me that I needed not to "blame one person" for "my" difficulties.  Of course, she had apparently agreed, in advance, to blame me.  I declined her services, more politely than she deserved.

Perhaps only distance and timing spared me what you went through.  Your story represents a perversion of mediation, which is supposed to provide a kind of neutrality or at least a forum where all voices can be heard.  Instead, you seem to have faced an ambush.  And the presence of two mediators, effectively facing off, implies something more like a court proceeding with advocates for each side.

You were wronged in so many ways!  And someone working of the system (I don't know who or what system, of course) made this experience as brutal as a physical assault with long-term injuries.  You have every reason to rage and blame.  What other response is possible? 

I don't know how to access the anger.  It's my challenge too.  Instead, I keep "understanding," usually with reference to my parents' individual stories of trauma.  Yes, each of them, differently, had a pretty bad time.  That process may be what's got me stuck.

Perhaps you can start by telling your story here?