Seeing yourself through other's eyes

[coda]

How do you turn it off? How do you stop the flood of negativity, the drumbeat of other people's perceptions that drown out your own?

I've always done this, and I understand why. From my earliest moments, I was indoctrinated with the belief that what others thought of me mattered more than what I did. That what my family said was more true than what they actually did. Add a naturally sensitive, empathetic nature, sprinkle in the ability for keen observation and self-imposed vigilance, and you have the ingredients for a life of seeing patterns and assuming intent, a life of discounting your own best interests (of barely being able to discern them), a life of anxiety and despair. A life of believing other people held the key to me.

I used to think of my capacity to read and understand others as an enormous gift, one of the best things about me, a kind of rare depth perception most people lacked. And in some ways I still value it, because it fed my creativity and humanity. But it's become overwhelming, and no mantra of selfhood turns down the volume. I notice too much, read into what I notice too much. It's gotten easier to just withdraw, isolate. I think the instant default to shame is one of CPTSD's cruelest, most intractable legacies. Does anyone know what I mean?

[woodsgnome]

Coda wrote:

"I used to think of my capacity to read and understand others as an enormous gift, one of the best things about me, a kind of rare depth perception..."

For years I too felt that way, then discovered it was really my hyper-vigilance playing out. I got far away from the FOO's territory, created what I thought was a fiercely independent life, but still absorbing too much from others. I was kind of okay, but something inside kept gnawing.

Years into this process of unraveling the damage, I finally sought out a T. I wasn't upfront with what I really felt, though, other than a vague and steady anxiety that wouldn't shake loose. The T looked at my questionnaire, asked me more about it, and zoned in on childhood abuse I'd absent-mindedly checked off on the form. I became very alarmed as she probed me further on it, stammering words like "been there, done that; I've read lots,  ". For once, I'd met someone who saw clear into my avoidance of self. By the time that session ended, I was a mess as I realized all that I'd been trying to hide from.

Part of the worst self-realization was knowing how much was not just escape, but absorption of the abusers message that I really was no good, a failure, a sinner, etc. Then followed anger/blame/self-blame/depression cycle, and still alive.

For a while I'd been a wilderness canoe guide; this journey through the rapids of my self is by far the roughest trip I could have ever imagined. And I'm still trying to sort out a good route; I want to find a clear chute, but if I hesitate (i.e. not find "me"), I'll be swept into more danger yet.

You also noted:

"I notice too much, read into what I notice too much. It's gotten easier to just withdraw, isolate. I think the instant default to shame is one of CPTSD's cruelest, most intractable legacies."

That summarizes my life, too. Hyper-vigilance to the max; exhausting, too. I still feel judged, knowing that I better please "them" or it won't be good for me. Even living alone, I feel watched (huge inner critic). Shame is a long river. We'll make it, though; reach in our pocket and find the key that was always there.

Thank you for this, coda.   

[coda]

Thank you woodsgnome, for this incredibly generous, perceptive reply. Being heard is a good thing. Being truly understood is beyond measure.

Do you think it's solely hyper-vigilance? Might there be an iteration that takes those qualities and marries them to something more than mere service and servitude? It gets so hard to tease apart what's valuable from what's unhealthy. And when I can no longer be that person I feel I ought to be, and want to be, I just freeze, retreat, protect myself from the world and the world from me. And then, the poison cherry on top of the poison cake of self recrimination: coward.

I often wonder what it would be like to live without self-consciousness, to stop looking in the fun house mirrors where every bad thing appears bigger than it is. But neither do I want the kind of oblivious, uncharitable permafrost that so many 'well adjusted' people inhabit. For survivors like us, there has to be another way, to turn what nearly destroyed us into something that will save us. Lately though, I'll be dammed if I know what.

[woodsgnome]

Coda, what you say is very familiar ground. I wonder if a link to what's beyond hyper-vigilance could be mindfulness?

Perhaps it helps to restructure hyper-vigilance and view it from its positive aspects. In Walker's book, for instance, he points out that people with hyper-vigilant tendencies can easier access mindfulness. There's a mini-industry of programs teaching mindfulness and we've created a shortcut with our onboard hyper-vigilance.

The kicker, though, remains the self-consciousness. That daily self-critique, the notion that I better be careful around others, they can't be trusted. It's such a given, and such a drag. Last night I had a phone conversation which I analyzed for hours after. Did I say this right? What did they think of that? What was meant when we discussed our day? Etc., ad infinitum, ad whew! You wrote this:

"I just freeze, retreat, protect myself from the world and the world from me. And then, the poison cherry on top of the poison cake of self recrimination: coward."


I agree with everything but the coward part. I know I've felt that way, but wouldn't characterize it any further than calling it fear now. Coward implies there's something wrong with me, and I've worked hard to try and clear those implanted messages that I'm sinful, a coward, a roustabout, no good just like "they" always told me.

It especially didn't fit right with what I "depressed" myself into a couple years ago. That's when some very horrid dreams were coupled with the sudden deaths of 4 close friends--and friends I can trust is extremely hard to come by. It was a "just give-up" time for me. I wondered if I hadn't reached a nadir point; I wasn't sure about living, and if I wanted to pick up the pieces of a broken life. Not the first time that feeling hit hard, but surely the most intense (nah, it wasn't half as bad as when I considered ending it in high schol). But I found another way to think about things. I started with a T again and, on my own, looked into what true self-acceptance was all about.


I'd been reading about self-acceptance before and I wondered what else could I really do anymore. Slowly I started accepting myself in a better frame, starting with the hyper-vigilance. The trick is getting past the constant skepticism of not trusting my own instincts that this was making sense. That's disappointing, sensing a new way but the old pattern resists loosening its grip on one's psyche/soul. One step forward, two back, but I'll take the one step any way I can. I think the acceptance may be a part of that route through the rapids I talked about in the previous post.

Another twist  involved pulling back on lofty expectations. I was continuously looking ahead, or of course behind as I'm still in run away mode. I missed what was right here, now. Now has become a buzzword in psychobabble these days but whatever the label I'd never really done that before, as I was in the run/coward state. In a way it's like retreating behind the retreat but stripping the guilt away from doing so. Past/future are still out there, but at least the hyper-vigilant/mindfulness thing has a chance.

Being hyper-vigilant, I've tried and struck out trying to incorporate guided approaches. I end up judging the voice or the image of the person doing the meditation. But I rediscovered that this doesn't happen with well-written guided meditations. The best in that regard is Stephen Levine's "Guided Meditations, Explorations, and Healings". It's full of short, well-crafted, good flow meditations. Of course, some probably record them in their own voice, but have you ever met my inner critic? So I just read 'em, and they're beautiful.

Another key, for me, is patience. But what is time, when you live in the now space...I hope that makes sense?.

Not sure I've explained this very well. And it went long, revealing my insecurity about fully explaining what I mean.The flip to my hyper-vigilance is that no one ever understood me before, why would they now.

i better leave it at that, and thanks again for sharing your own take on the difficulty of getting any sort of re-bearing as we saunter further along the trail. 

[MaryAnn]

Hi Woodsgnome 

I was reading this thread today to seek others advice and experience with this topic.  Thank you for sharing your experience below:

I'd been reading about self-acceptance before and I wondered what else could I really do anymore. Slowly I started accepting myself in a better frame, starting with the hyper-vigilance. The trick is getting past the constant skepticism of not trusting my own instincts that this was making sense. That's disappointing, sensing a new way but the old pattern resists loosening its grip on one's psyche/soul. One step forward, two back, but I'll take the one step any way I can. I think the acceptance may be a part of that route through the rapids I talked about in the previous post.

This is so validating for me, that my experience at the moment does signify that I am making progress.  I am hyper-vigilant, do not trust my instincts, and the old pattern of thinking is not letting go.  It feels like a fight in my head and it is exhausting.  But I am sensing a new way, I am just hoping it starts to take over the old at some point.  And, like your perspective on the steps forwards and backwards.  I do the same, one step forward, but I catastrophize when I go backwards.  It feels like more than 2, like 5 or 10, so I beat myself up because I think I am not getting anywhere.  My T told me last visit that I was getting better and that others could see the change even if I could not.  But I know that in order for me to make real progress, learning self-acceptance is essential or I really will get nowhere.  Any progress I make will be shaky and eventually I will relapse. 

My T also practices mindfulness, I will ask him if the link beyond hypervigilance could be mindfulness.  Also, if it is something that I could start working on know or if I should wait until I have worked through this current stage.

I am glad you are here Woodsgnome, you are a wealth of information and insight.  You bring a fresh perspective to so many at OOTS!

MaryAnn

[stillhere]

MaryAnn,

I've been practicing -- or maybe trying to practice -- mindfulness/meditation, at the suggestion of my T.  Like all practices, it doesn't solve anything directly.  The goal is to focus on the present, which can cut through some of the catastrophizing that many of us are prone to.

My T has recommended self-compassion meditation for mindfulness.  Two places to look on line are websites by Christopher Germer:

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/

and Kristin Neff:

http://self-compassion.org/

I've attended a few group sessions in the past six months (I live in an urban area with resources), but I've found lots of guided meditations on line. 

[MaryAnn]

Awesome  !  Thank you for the info.  I will definitely check these sites out.  I have only really become aware of mindfulness through group therapy and we did one exercise.  I definitely could see the value in it, but many others in the group did not share that same opinion.  They were more resistant to it.   But after dealing with severe anxiety and panic attacks for over a year, I am open to trying just about anything that will give me some relief and help me manage it  .

I will look for guided meditations online as well so that I can expand on the basics that I learned in group recently as well ask talking to my T about teaching me mindfulness meditations as well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you....
MaryAnn 

[stillhere]

MaryAnn, just beware that people experience meditation differently.  Some are apparently ambushed by the quiet, which can allow demons to be heard.  Marathon meditation is usually not a good idea, I'm told.

[woodsgnome]

In the book section I reviewed a fellow named Jeff Foster and I love his approach in the self-acceptance realm. Below is a link to a video that shows the tone of his approach. He has tons more on YouTube that are worthwhile, including some on mindfulness and a couple of short guided meditations; anyway, here's his "deep acceptance" intro:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oftVkm_UNkk

His self-acceptance book is "THE DEEPEST ACCEPTANCE...RADICAL AWAKENING IN ORDINARY LIFE". It brought me out of a deep funk I was in 2 years ago; it isn't jargon-filled or technique-laden, which I found refreshing. His best book, in my opinion is FALLING IN LOVE WITH WHERE YOU ARE, and while the title makes it sound almost giddy and pollyannish, it's short, sharp, clear language goes deep into issues like grief, pain, relationships, etc. in an extremely readable format. It's not how-to, or "this-is-how-I-did-it-and-I'm-wonderful-so-listen-up", but just a light but still serious take on seeing life in a different vein. It's not cptsd-specific but it touches on all the bases of this journey. As one reviewer put it: "his thinking is "way out of the box," honest, and an amazing amalgam of the simple and complex".

Worth a look for an original fresh take on this journey through the cptsd labyrinth. I've also appreciated the Kristen Neff materials that stillhere mentioned. As she points out, self-compassion seems to have better effects than the popular emphasis on self-esteem.

[MaryAnn]

Thanks for the heads up stillhere.  I could see my hypervigilant tendencies taking over and doing something just like marathon meditation but it makes sense that it is probably not a good idea.  Appreciate the warning as well.  I will take it slow and work with the T to help me with it.
 
Hi Woodsgnome,

I checked out the link you gave.  Jeff Foster seems more down to earth.  I will be looking up more from him on youtube.  Thank you for telling us about his books.  I will be ordering them from Amazon as well as one from Kristen Neff. 

Thank you both for the recommendations and support!
MaryAnn