hi

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tired

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hi
« on: September 13, 2015, 04:42:05 PM »
I was molested by a family friend who ended up a member of the family. My parents handled the situation horribly in a number of ways.  I don't even know if there's enough time to explain the whole situation.

I have a lot of trouble talking about what happened.  I honestly don't know how people say the words.  I recently cut off contact with my parents and now that my issues with them have been largely resolved I am left with the effects of the actual abuse.  It was been 40 years or so.  I spent so much time dealing with my parents' role in the situation that I didn't get to deal with it.  I guess I am dealing with it now.

I am bulimic and I stopped throwing up but I use senna.  I don't feel comfortable with solid food inside my body but when I do eat solid food, I eat a lot which ends up about once or twice a week, then I take laxatives. I probably wouldn't have to if I didn't eat so much at once but once I start I eat a lot. I get a lot of comfort from food.  I used to only eat healthy food even on a binge, just to keep some control, but after going nc I decided to branch out into crap food.  I sense that I am at once comforting myself and punishing myself.

I worry that I might get heart disease.  I don't know enough about it, just things I've read online.

I am single and I suddenly deciced I have zero interest in sex.  I don't know how it happened but around two months after I saw my mother for the last time it happened. I went on several dates, and had sex with maybe 5 people I don't know, which really isn't my style  in general, then suddenly decided that's it, I"m going nc and I'm going to burn a whole lot of other bridges. I made some healthy decisions but the eating disorder got worse as I mentioned.  I had  been stable and doing a lot better before my mom came over the last time I saw her.

Thanks for listening. 

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: hi
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2015, 05:16:47 PM »
Hi again, tired.

First things first: If you worry about your heart, go see your GP soon. From your post I see you worry about perhaps getting one, so I guess there's no reason to rush to emergency now, but a visit to your Doc this week is what you should do. One way or the other, it will make an end to the worrying about "What If".
Most probably all will be fine, anyway.

Going NC is stressful, so your reaction to it is 'OK'. You've entered new territory, and that's scary: the unknown.
I can relate. I went NC with my sis, and am bordering on doing the same with the rest of my FOO. (I'm 8 months LC with mom, for example, and apart from replying very shortly and distant to two e-mails by her, I haven't spoken to her.) Yeah, it's stressful for me. But I reap some benefits as well. All in all, it's been a 'win' exercise.

I hope the eating bit will get better, since you write you are "punishing" yourself.
Do you think your GP could be of assistance in that field?
From what you write it's clear you have great awareness of what and why you do it, which is  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: , and an asset. Stick with the awareness. That will provide a way forward, if not now, than later.

I also have periods where I have zero interest in sex. But that probably provides little comfort to you.  ;D

A last note: relapse is common, if not unavoidable in recovery. This also applies to your bulimia, I suppose.
Hang in there, start again where you left last time (after your GP visit, perhaps), rinse and repeat: it's the only way, not a fun way, but a sure way.

 :hug:

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tired

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Re: hi
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2015, 11:31:31 PM »
I"m trying to get insurance.  In the meantime reading about what it might be which really isn't a great idea but still.  Did some reading about stress and cardiac issues. 

I'm doing a compromise with eating and allowing myself juice with vegetables and fruits blended together. The advantage is 1. I get nutrients from vegetable juice and 2. I get some sugar to satisfy my hunger in the moment.  Last week I planned my comfort food binge ahead of time and put it all in a tray. It was mostly healthy, just a bit of leftover mac n cheese but otherwise hummus, salad, and crackers. I didn't really enjoy it the same addict mentality way but I did enjoy how I felt afterwards. That evening I felt hungry and allowed myself fish and rice.  The next day I was hungry again which annoyed me and I ate again but it was healthy choices. I decided that my grocery store binge shopping will be juice which by the way isn't cheap so I allowed it as a luxury. Luxury is another way of hurting myself, spending on things I don't need and can't afford. But I had to choose something. 

The day after that I went to the hardware store and bought a whole mess of cleaning supplies.  That was my splurge.  Instead of looking forward to eating, I looked forward to cleaning. It sounds odd but at the time it worked. 

I believe people can be happy/peaceful/fulfilled no matter what they struggle with. I have to believe that.  I have to believe that there is some justice and so  no matter how much a person is suffering they can find a way to appreciate life even if for a moment.  So even though I have these issues I can find a way to live with joy.  That's why I do the little mind games.  My analyst would be horrified that I think this is ok to do.  He would say I should go back, even though frankly after 5 years of analysis I have spent a small fortune.  But what happens when you can't afford analysis or maybe you don't want to spend your life like that?  Is it possible to not fix some things and still be ok? 


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arpy1

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Re: hi
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2015, 10:23:10 AM »
hey tired, first off, sending you a  :bighug: becos it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of painful stuff.

just wanted to say i admire the strategies you have put in place, the things you maybe discount as mind games actually, to me, sound like well devised strategies to get a bit of control back over the food issues you struggle with. i think you can rightly be proud for them.

i think that having 'treats' is a great way to self-soothe and self soothing is an important strategy.  but i agree that food treats can be a bit of a stumbling block. so i try to treat myself with other things, a plant or some thing healthy fruit wise, or yes, nice juice, or nice coffee, or - well you know what i mean.  i confess i haven't ever given myself the treat of a bunch of cleaning supplies though!! :blink: mind you, the state of my flat at the mo, praps i should!

i one hundred per cent agree with you that even though we're struggling so  much of the time we can still find ways to appreciate life and
have joy in our lives.  i find there's joy in little things that don't even cost anything; the trees at the end of the garden, huge firs that change colour with every change of the light, the intense redness of my geraniums, the smell of my roses, the tanginess of my lavenders. no one, and no past experiences can take those away from me in the now. i savour these things to the fullest possible, they are like little gifts of the moment.

sorry to wax poetical!! but yes, therapy or not, i believe we can still do our journey of recovery. it might take time and we might never fix everything, but we can definitely fix some things. back to the old baby steps analogy, no?

support and kudos to you  :hug: :hug: :hug: