Trying to anchor

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kniht

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Trying to anchor
« on: October 04, 2015, 08:51:00 PM »
I tend to intellectualize things so maybe that will help shed light on what I mean by saying that I have experienced a profound paradigm shift as a result of finding this site. I am a professional female in my mid-forties, raised by parents with personality disorders (one borderline, one narcissist), married for twenty-five years to a man who I now understand is on the autism spectrum, and blessed/cursed with two teenagers on the autism spectrum (one Aspie, one with classic autism.) BTW, the "blessed/cursed" signifier has much more to do with their being teenagers than their being on the spectrum.

I've struggled for decades to understand my childhood, my self, and my marriage. It's been a pretty bumpy road but I seem to have a strong, if blind, survival instinct. I no longer have contact with my parents (one deceased, one estranged.) I am in a long, drawn out process of divorcing my husband. I am in the heartbreaking process of seeking emergency residential placement for one of my children because we can no longer meet his needs. I hit bottom about two to five years ago but the great thing about hitting bottom is that I finally found terra firma. I didn't know it at the time, but I had. Since then I have started to learn how to take care of myself. Last night, finding this site, I discovered why I didn't know how to do that in the first place. I feel relief and hope but am deeply concerned about one of my siblings whose survival instinct hasn't been as strong as mine, who is still being traumatized by the parent I walked away from, and who has no access to or interest in therapy.

I'll leave you with my current favorite quotation: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Kierkegaard

I hope to learn much from all of you.

K.

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arpy1

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Re: Trying to anchor
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2015, 12:56:25 PM »
hey kniht, welcome!  really get the paradigm shift thing. it happened to me when i discovered the research about cptsd. there are some good resources out there, Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, Courtois, and others whom i have found to be really helpful in understanding what has happened to me. if you haven't already, i'd recommend having a look at the resources on this site.

feel for you so much re your teenagers, especially the one who is moving. that is really tough. hope you'll find this forum a source of support with all that you're facing. :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Trying to anchor
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2015, 03:34:48 PM »
Hi Kniht  :wave:

So glad you have had such a positive experience when finding this site. I can relate.

Tough spot you're in, recuperating from rock bottom so many years past. I think it's safe to say: "You've made it!". Congrats.  :thumbup:
I hit rock bottom four years ago (which is my age at this site  ;) ), and it's been a long walk upwards again.
Paradigm-shifts: Awesome, but a 'job'. So many new things to learn and get acquainted with.

I hope and wish this site and the community will be of help to you, and that you find sharing your experiences, both past, present and those to come, with us.

Welcome.  :hug:

PS: Love the Kierkegaard quote! So true. And he knew what he was talking about, he didn't have a smooth ride himself.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Trying to anchor
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2015, 09:18:48 PM »
Hello kniht
Glad u are here
I found this forum not so long ago and it is so wonderful to be with others who understand what I experience -

I found myself today - berating myself for being socially isolated - and then I remembered cptsd plays a part in that !

Learning one day at a time about me and what I need to heal further -

We are all good people working to recovery ...