Progress

[blackbird1]

It's been awhile since I posted here but I have been lurking from time to time.  I wanted to share what's going on with me and also to thank everyone on the forum for sharing their experiences.

CPTSD is so isolating and so few people understand what is going on with us.  Yesterday a young woman I work with asked me how my day was going.  As I had just arrived at work, I told her the day was still young.  You know, casual conversation.  She seemed upset and said, "It's such a nice sunny day out!  You should be having a great day!"  Um, I didn't take this conversation too seriously but it illustrates a point - I wish I could get up, look at a lovely day, and say wow, it feels great to be alive.
For no reason at all.

I believe I have done this before in my life but the memory seems distant and the response miraculous at this point.

But I digress and want to actually report some positives going on, which I need validation on.
I have actually been able to recognize a flashback (albeit not a real knockout one), step away before going automatically in freeze/fawn mode, and make an appropriate response. It felt great.

I have labored over setting boundaries for well, all of my life.  I had none.  I finally realized the price I paid for not having them.  I obliterated myself.   Now I have to reclaim myself.
I'm overwhelmed.  OK, this is not exactly breaking news here, but I never really felt I was worthy on my own to express opinions, to have needs, to be an asset to the human race because I am unique and there will never be another one of me.
All this soul-searching is pretty draining and I think I need a break right now.  Does this make sense?  Thanks

[Kizzie]

But I digress and want to actually report some positives going on, which I need validation on. I have actually been able to recognize a flashback (albeit not a real knockout one), step away before going automatically in freeze/fawn mode, and make an appropriate response. It felt great. 

That's a huge positive blackbird1, congrats!   

I have labored over setting boundaries for well, all of my life.  I had none.  I finally realized the price I paid for not having them.  I obliterated myself.   Now I have to reclaim myself. I'm overwhelmed.  OK, this is not exactly breaking news here, but I never really felt I was worthy on my own to express opinions, to have needs, to be an asset to the human race because I am unique and there will never be another one of me. All this soul-searching is pretty draining and I think I need a break right now.  Does this make sense? 

It makes perfect sense   

Sounds like it might be a good time to practice some self-care and focus on the fact that you were able to recognize and avoid an EF. It's certainly a reason to smile and feel good, to "let the sun shine on your spirit" so to speak. 

[blackbird1]

Thanks Kizzie.  I took a nice bath and I'm having the tea people recommended.  I just keep on tearing up - but it feels more like a positive release of emotions.

Which brings me to another point - recovery is certainly not linear.

[Trees]

It's so good to read that you are doing more good things to help yourself.  Each step forward, no matter how small, is so important, so congratulations.