Ego States

[Kizzie]

I was just reading an article about EMDR and CPTSD and found the following about ego states:

Introduction to Ego State Therapy

Ego state theory was developed initially by Paul Federn (1932, 1943) and extended by John Watkins and Helen Watkins (1995), Richard Erskine (1997), Eric Berne (1963), and Richard Schwartz (1997). It posits the existence of an internal family variously termed parts, ego or self states, or selves, or conceived of as neural or memory networks.

The ego state system can be thought of as a segmentation of the personality into self states or parts at points along the dissociation continuum that comes about due to normal differentiation, introjection, or trauma. Ego states may be described as an organized system of behaviors and experiences that have varying boundaries. The states may be organized to enhance adaptability in coping with events or problems. Some ego states are delineated by time dimensions: a five-year-old, teenager, or infant, for example. Others are delineated by function, trait, or role, for example self-hater, nurturer, critic, executive, bratty kid, daredevil, curious, nature lover, parent, grandparent, and so on.

Ego states may have normative imaginal or creative functions, such as daydreaming. However, ego states formed in childhood may function maladaptively in present life situations. They seek to protect their existence and roles, even if those are counterproductive. This is similar to organizational maintenance theory: no corporation willingly goes out of business. Ego states can conflict with each other, leading to intrapsychic conflict. Finally, they have the capacity to change, combine, grow, and adapt.- [/i]

I must say I really like the last line!!

[schrödinger's cat]

Is it okay if I try to translate this into simpler English? I'm doing this for myself anyway, because expertese texts tend to go in one ear, out the other with me.

Ego state theory.
Our personality is made up of different parts. These parts can be called ego states or self states. You can picture them as networks of memories, behaviours and experiences. Those parts work together as a kind of inner family.

Why do these ego states come into being?
--- We simply grow up and realize we can't be the same at work and at a party.
--- We're treated a certain way and this makes us adapt, or we mimic what people around us are like.
--- Some event or problem makes us want to adapt and cope, so we unconsciously create a part of us that can do that.

Usually, ego states come in several flavours:
--- time: a five-year-old, teenager, or infant, for example
--- what the ego state's role is and/or what character trait or attitude it's all about: self-hater, nurturer, critic, executive, bratty kid, daredevil, curious, nature lover, parent, grandparent, ...
Sometimes, a certain ego state can be the one in charge of a certain job (such as daydreaming).

Ego states that were created in childhood are often bad at handling present-day situations. That creates problems. Ego states can also conflict with other ego states, which creates more problems. You'd think that an ego state would then realize that it's causing trouble and simply just go away. However, each part of us protects his existence and his "job", even if that job creates trouble. In that way, ego states are a little like corporations: none of them willingly goes out of businesses. The good thing, though, is that ego states can change. They can grow, adapt, and combine.

[Rain]

It's too bad we are all so poorly educated here.

NOT!   

[Kizzie]

Great info BeHealthy and it really helped me to understand why sometimes I feel centred and other times like the ground has shifted beneath me and I am fractured or feeling unstable - very much the case during a bad EF. I rather like the notion of achieving harmony, balance and effective leadership as a goal.  It captures the complex nature of CPTSD but in a visual way (for me)

Tks 

[findingmyhome]

It's too bad we are all so poorly educated here.

NOT!   

  I agree.

This concept is what helps me when I recognize one of my ego states.  I have compassion for my self because I know it is the only thing I knew as a child.   Yes true it does not work now yet I am thankful to recognize it and thankful most of my anger is out and I am in a different stage of recovery. 

For me it is amazing to see so many of my dark traits in the FOO.  So amazing they managed to pin them on me and I believed it. 

[Rain]

Hi findingmyhome!   I was thinking about you yesterday.

You said it so very well, "it is amazing to see so many of my dark traits in the FOO.  So amazing they managed to pin them on me and I believed it"

They had us take THEIR garbage away ...ah, projection.

Well, we will stand up, shake our fists, and shake their garbage OFF of us.   May our true and loving selves emerge!     

[Anamiame]

This is great.

[Sasha]

Just found this thread through a search for 'ego states' as I have been reading about this today. I feel like it is helping me make sense of the regular heightened states, mood swings and white hot rage I have been experiencing.

I have been feeling for a while that I keep slipping into child-like mentalities which are in turn fuelling intense dynamics with other people. This ego state schema has been enlightening and I feel like I have a new communication toolkit after reading into it more and watching a whole youtube series on it ( https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgkpM2-3p5Ha8jhocp_EjXlvm5CAoWnd4 ).

It has helped me see that there is a lot of the rebellious child in me. It has felt like a surprise having it surface so much this year, through angry, loud, aggressive, sulky moods and feelings. It is absolutely akin to the anger I felt during my early teens. After years of difficult home life in early childhood, I grew much more aggressive as I got bigger and started to fight back. It was an incredibly stressful and chaotic time, and that is how it feels to go back to this state of mind. Nonetheless, I am grateful to start accessing this state as I am giving a voice to lots of feelings previously repressed and shamed. I have to say, it is really hard to switch out of this mindset, and I feel like I flick between all three child states - free (let's just blow the rent and sort it out later), adaptive (I want to be a good girl and get things right) and rebellious (whatever, I don't actually care what you have to say anyway).

In my self-employed work I feel I am a nurturing parent with my clients, however when in employment I definitely find that I have strong child mindsets. With my parents I feel like I have had to be adult since I was very young, and sometimes nurturing parent - even critical parent with my mum, who I feel I am trying to help a lot of the time. My mum often acted as rebellious and free child when I was growing up. My dad was critical parent for sure, and also pretty absent so that was confusing as he'd come out of nowhere and start trying to rule the roost.

The huge change I have been feeling this year, I think, has been the switch from primarily adopting an adaptive child state when in relationships to now adopting a rebellious child state, and I think this is because I have gone from having a previous partner who was a critical parent type to seeing someone who was a nurturing parent type. With the critical parent type partner I used to step in line, and with the nurturing parent type partner I am acting out left right and centre - probably because I feel heard and forgiven.

Geez. It is making my head spin a bit 

This evening I used what I have learned in two conversations - one with my recent ex where I had to work very hard to bring myself out of rebellious child. I am really triggered by his nurturing parent vibe as I feel like I haven't had it before and it bugs me, feels like I am being robbed of my autonomy and independence. It feels needy and probing, invasive at times, to my recurring child state. But I managed to use guidelines for adult state that helped me stay present in the conversation! It was a really awesome breakthrough, and I did it on my own - just through learning the different ego states. I spoke in a measured calm way, I allowed myself to stick to facts and the conversation was calm and pleasant.

Then, secondly, with my mum - she had let me down this week and she sent me a text with a lot of stressful expressions of her own needs, which seemed like adaptive child to me. To this I was interested to observe that I responded in a mix of nurturing parenting and adult mode. I do feel for my mum, as she was abandoned a number of times as a kid, and she clearly has struggled with emotional management for years. With my parents I have to suck up my child, big time, and have had to - like - forever.

The child mindset has been doing my head in, and I would feel glad to get a grip on it. I feel like when I fully descend into childish thinking I end up feeling very unsafe, dissociating and feel re-traumatised and exhausted. When I hopefully access therapy perhaps I can explore this state more, however, for now, it does not feel helpful to the scenarios and needs of my adult life. I am going to try and read more about how to reach an adult state and start practicing this more and more.

In general, I wonder how I can help my child to express in more carefree and fun ways? I love the descriptions of the free child, although this ego state has problems with responsibility so wouldn't want to start going backwards. Maybe it is an adult need to play and feel free and chilled out, as much as it is a childish need? I will ponder on this, for sure.

[Kizzie]

In general, I wonder how I can help my child to express in more carefree and fun ways? I love the descriptions of the free child, although this ego state has problems with responsibility so wouldn't want to start going backwards. Maybe it is an adult need to play and feel free and chilled out, as much as it is a childish need? I will ponder on this, for sure.

I did a lot of fun things to entice younger me more out into the open and it worked.  Crafts and African drumming (of all things) did the trick.  I know one member (Hope I think) reads books for/about children. 

Is there anything you feel your child might really enjoy? Dance, rides at a theme park, singing?   

[Elphanigh]

So glad you found this thread and brought it back up.

My little one loves to color and paint. Anything really hands on a bright. Also loves to be outside in the grass looking and flowers and trees.

I would say just do what feels good and comes to you, without judgement.