How did I get here-digging for memories (possible Trigger)

[chairmanmeow]

I don't know where to start so Ill start at the beginning. There is not a time in my life I don't remember being emotionally withdrawn and reserved, trust was something I learned adults were unworthy of, maybe I was sharp IDK but anything I liked was just a tool used to manipulate and control me with, I came into this world full of resentment and isolated myself. My stepfather entered the picture when I was very little maybe 5 or 6 jealous and possessive of my mothers attention he was abusive, verbally allways on the edge of physically hurting me that's where she drew the line. I lot of my memory is gone, when I dig I can unearth stuff but in reality I spent my time until I was 19 in this fog of derealization.. once I remember we were sitting on the couch and I dared lean on my mother (something bold, I don't know what made me risk that) He flipped out, I was isolated before but that day there was a finality to it. I had my family but might has well have been living alone. A buncha stuff happened but it all mostly slips my mind, when my sisters talk about the past and growing up for me its as if they are talking about someone else. My mother says I just remember the bad stuff, marginalizes it.
I had this bully at home and kids are horrible at school, and then I had these teachers, these authority figures shoving work at me trying to use incentives I didn't care about or understand, in second grade my nerves were shot, I simply didn't even have it in me thru the hate and anger and resentment being forced to do assignments and the endless fear and abuse that made up my life... this continued until I turned 18 graduated highschool I never rebelled I shut down, to do anything, to give anyone anything was more ammunition to ruin the little peace I had left for myself. I moved out after six months of working at this burger joint I broke down couldn't keep going like I couldn't do school work... I went to my aunt who told me the longest time to move out there and get away from what I suspect she had some idea what I was dealing with, but her lover just lost her mother and brother and took it out on my presence in their house betrayed again I moved into a boarding house payed more rent then I could afford to live and suffered in silence for a year and a half.. fell in love with a girl that act made me take down walls i didn't even know i had around myself and hurt even worst when she betrayed me because she hated herself, I'm 31 now all this time Iv never got paid enough to live, people steal everything they want from me if they can, when I was 22 I moved to FL with the sole intent to buy a boat to live on find a sustainable existence, and even then the isolation the pain would rip my world apart and send ever searching for healthy attachments, stable situations, and the world is cruel A man with no money, I have no social value, no one will help me, I struggled even when I found work it never paid anything I could live on.. the struggle wears me down. The first time my anxiety got to the point of concern life fell apart no job, no boat, I ode a bicycle 1200 miles to chicago, the horizon was the only thing in my world that didn't feel like my nerves ripping my body apart, I was broken I didn't know how but something was wrong with me, I rode until I could not ride anymore... I met the woman I spent the last 8 yrs with at the end of that trip, and that relationship gave me stability, and when she threatened it being stupid I fell apart, got physically ill.. she left twice nd the influences I understood I took her back, her breakdowns made her weak and everyone wanted what they wanted for themselves out of her that surrounded her, her family, her firends... I learned I could live without her. But I understood her.. I thought she was above all that she got pregnant I this x-mas I have a son that will be turning 2, I will never see him or her again, she fell apart and took everything, she breaksdown and the man she was intent on being married to is just negotiable in her life.. she let me down the second time she left me the turn of events left me homeless in the middle of winter, no one would help me, I learned I had an anxiety disorder, and was bad it was 2 yrs researching and recovering and figuring it out, she got erratic and pushed and I got ill from it, she could not put everything on me so she abandoned me, after carrying her for 8 years. a lot happened in between I guess but it reads like a Greek tragedy, no matter what I do I get a loosing hand. huge blocks of time are just gone, I'm often like an animal I wake up and its as if this is how it has allways been, nothing has happenedbefore this day, I'm numb. I manage.. Iv started thinking and handling a lot of things differently, I'm becoming more emotionally intelligent. But I'm on the edge.. I have a another boat, I isolate I make myself happy, even when I feel like death my attitude is Tully one that's positive... Iv become a Buddhist over the years, Zen allways made sense to me. The way the world really is is something Iv allways had to accept... life is like this, I conquer my delusions. But I'm here and entering a new phase of my life.. I don't know what this means. I'm not fit for the relationships I need, I feel great but perhaps Its just I have nothing left to loose anymore so I'm carefree, I really don't knowanymore, its been a while since iv seen my life in such a diffrent angle.

[fairyslipper]

 chairmanmeow...........you have had so much happen in your life  that makes it very understandable why you have a hard time trusting others and isolate. You are to be commended for all that you have accomplished AND survived. I am glad you have found something that brings  you peace right now too. That is such a building block and so important to have. Good for you also for getting another boat. That is a big deal. Both very positive things. It sounds like you are in a better place now - where you are able to take care of yourself first. Maybe by getting out of the relationships that were so damaging, you are now truly finding YOU and that might explain your carefree feelings. By recognizing your needs and taking care of yourself first, new and healthier relationships will come your way. Sounds like you are on a better path now and beginning the journey to finding you.  Keep being gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to heal.