Emotional Abandonment Questions

[Butterfly]

Ok so reading this morning about emotional abandonment from infancy and here's where I need help sorting. Maybe this should be three separate threads but my mind needs to sort all three.

First, the period of time I felt abandoned was after I was school age and family tragedy took the adults away emotionally. So as an infant I'm pretty sure I received some normal attention and actually have some fond memories of just before school age. So the thoughts about early infant abandonment don't connect with me. Is anyone else feeling that way?

Once school age and I wanted to be an individual human is when my personality disordered mum really got twisted up and abusive so besides the tragedy making a mess she couldn't handle having me separate. Yet my presence angered her. Which lead to trying to please and comply and be perfect but at the same time struggling to be a separate person. She was always angry, always on edge, this is when her passive agressive manipulations really came out on me. I lived in fear and terror every minute I was home and only at peace when out of the house or in a closet. Then when I became a teen she wanted an instant best friend and I was all too happy to enmesh thinking this is a normal adult mother daughter relationship. So don't feel emotionally abandoned during teen years, in fact much to much emotional connection to mum during those years. It's like my life was in stages, does that make any sense?

Here's the thing, through it all I had my younger sister and we were always close, we escaped together. Plus during the time I felt most adult abandoned she was old enough for us to be close and play. Mum was all too happy to have us out of her hair and we were all to happy to not be there get hit. We'd disappear or hide for hours only coming out when necessary for food. Does having a sibling help lessen the emotional abandonment? Is EA worse in an only child?

[spryte]

I haven't read anything about emotional abandonment. What are you reading? How does it differ from emotional neglect?

I think the "stages" thing actually might be common, at least in as much as their behavior changing - which would cause different trauma's  at different times, one of which being emotional abandonment. My mother was very different after my brother was born, then things changed when I became a teen, and again when I was an adult. There were even times when we emotionally connected while she was "happy" (mostly having to do with having a man in her life)

[schrödinger's cat]

First, the period of time I felt abandoned was after I was school age and family tragedy took the adults away emotionally. So as an infant I'm pretty sure I received some normal attention and actually have some fond memories of just before school age.

I relate to that. In my case, family tragedy took my mother away when I was very little, but I had my brother. We were very close and spent a lot of time together, especially when my mother was too busy or too emotionally unavailable. Also, we knew that she was there for us as much as she could. So there was some distance, some neglect, but also things that offset it.

The older I get, the more distanced she became. There was a strange mixture of neglect and hovering over-protectiveness (limited to shallow trivialities - like making sure I stayed home instead of venturing out, making sure I knew the only right way to hang up socks to dry, making sure my room was always tidy). There were explosive rages with aggressive emotional and some mild physical abuse. She'd routinely withdraw, trivialize my problems, minimize, or just ignore me. When I was an older teenager, my mother and I got on better, but on a basis like we were equals. She'd unburden herself of her problems a few times, but if I tried to do the same, I had a sense that her patience was limited and I had best keep it very short.

As for siblings, my brother withdrew from all of us when he became a teenager. So our friendship just stopped. That made matters worse. I was bullied at school and was socially isolated.

The problem is, when you become a teenager, you're growing into yourself. You're finding out who you really are. What I found out, then, is that I'm someone with massive CPTSD issues who can't manage to make people treat her well. Only, I didn't know those were CPTSD issues. They felt like faults of character. (And obviously, my FOO and classmates quite agreed.) I thought that was who I was. I had no idea that those were merely symptoms of hypervigilance, dissociation and all those other things.

[Butterfly]

Spryte, its chapter 5 of Walkers book and I'm not sure if it's exactly the same as emotional neglect but it's the deepest layer to deal with for recovery.

SC, thanks for your thoughts, it's always bitter sweet when others can relate. When you said in later teens your mother would unburden herself as an equal yet not be there for you, yes in my case too. I was always the family caregiver and having problems of my own only triggered panic in her and over involvement in solutions so I can't even go to her when I need a mother. She too much, it's all about her when I have a problem or else too involved in solving it for me, she can't ever just be there to support me. Yet I would have to patiently listen for hours sometimes to her just verbally venting to me about her problems including martial issues which I didn't want to hear. Like I was her built in therapist. Exhausting.

When I was earlier in teens she wanted to know everything in my life and did try to help but mostly I thiink she wanted to know so she could control and make sure I stayed in line with expectations. Anything that wasn't to her expectations I learned to keep to myself anyway fearing her disapproval so she didn't even have what she thought she had from me.

[Rain]

Hi Butterfly, I'm sad and sorry for what you went through from so many tragedies.

So, what you write of your emotionally abandoned life, is what I read in the books I have read, Butterfly.

Baby to school age - acceptable as you are moldable, not having your own wants and needs.
School age - watch out, here comes the criticisms and worse.   Parentification begins.
Teen age - more criticisms, and/or enmeshments, and often in meeting the parent's needs "emotional incest" which is having the child listen to their adult problems like the child was their spouse.

[schrödinger's cat]

Quite a huge mountain, too, you're right. But we've set out! We're on our way there, and that's the main thing. Even just knowing that this wasn't me, that I'm not what everyone made me think I was, that's such a relief. THAT is finally a fun recovery task: reminding myself that I'm awesome. (Well, "normal" really, but compared to the self-image I used to have, even simple average normalcy feels like boasting.)

[Butterfly]

Rain, you nailed it 100% absolutely spot on. You said it so well. It's truly sad your own mother wasn't there and your infancy.

What you wrote helped me realize also that the enmeshed over interest in the details of my life usually gets turned back to her which in reality is a form of emotional abandonment because the reality is she's not there for ME emotionally but to see what she can find out to used to enmesh. And when it's not the enmashed over interest then it's turning something into such a dramatic catastrophe so she can go around to all her friends and get attention or such panic that she's no help at all, again emotionally abandoning me in reality. In either case she's not there for me as an emotional support but to the contrary a terrible distraction as I wind up trying to comfort her during my times of need.

My mother did try to triangulate and destroy my sisters relationship with me. For a while it work then there was some distance between us but that's been repaired now.

Heart, it's so sad you didn't have your siblings but good I suppose in your adult mind you were able to realize you were all just trying to survive.

[globetrotter]

I think it is worse as an only child, Butterfly.

My sister is 10 years older and was often Junior Mom. My brother is 9 years older and resented my existence but I still adored him like a baby sister will. When I was 8 they both moved out, my sister left the state and I felt shattered. She had filled in some of the gaps for the attention I wasn't getting.  Recently I realized that she was always busy with school, work, boyfriend, friends and band practice but she gave me snippets of reality.

When they left, I was alone with my alcoholic parents. There was no light or support or comfort from the sibs. I was really lonely and isolated.

Funny though it took sister a very long time (decades) to get over her motherly patterns with me...like telling me to look both ways when I crossed the street when I was nearly 30.

[findingmyhome]

Interesting thread.

I wonder about this because I was the star as a baby/young child.  My mom used to take pictures of me and my baby book is full of stuff.  We lived in the redwoods and everything was like a fantasy land for me. 

Then we moved to the suburbs.  I went to school and my peers shut me out.  Just as we say here my mom also shut me out because I was not her perfect little model/doll she could play with.


DH, on the other hand, was adopted after spending five weeks in the hospital.  His adopted mother took care of him but she is distant and cold.  (why they adopted....?  Don't know....)

We both have abandonment issues but I seem to have that thread of strength and hope which helps me carry on and find a way out.  DH gives up and falls into a deep depression.

I suspect those first years might have given me enough to tread water wheras DH feels helpless and sinks. ....?  He did not have a lifeline, anyone someone in life to give him hope. 

I also had my loving grandma who was able to demonstrate love.  I did not understand it at the time but I knew i loved to be with her.

As for siblings I have (originally typed "had") a sister which helped sometimes when we could talk about it and were in it together.  Yet sometimes she would minimize and deny especially when it comes to the men in our FOO.  Then there were issues when I had my own person my sister would turn on me. 

Now I see she might be PD too because she has a difficult time seeing others as human instead of her servants. 

For me I think if I did not have a sibling it would have been easier OR if I had a sibling with more introspection etc. 

You are lucky to have a sibling on "your side".