eating disorder

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arpy1

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2015, 11:27:56 AM »
Quote
I feel fat and I feel like a failure

you know, i just realised something reading that phrase. that for me fat and failure go together. also, cruel words like 'ugly', 'disgusting', 'unloveable'.  and that since i have been on mirtazipine  and gained 2 and a half stones (that's about 35 - 40 lbs i think), my body image has nosedived .  to the point that i am coming off those meds and going back to the one i was on before. i know that it doesn't work as well for me but i can't bear myself like this. and despite my best efforts at the gym and all, i can't shift the weight. i feel horrible. and guilty about everything that goes in my mouth. especially if it's 'not healthy'.  it makes me hate myself even more.

but in fact, the truth is that some of the most beautiful women i have met in my life have been what society calls 'big'. some really big.  and they have been feisty and fun and successful and totally comfortable with themselves. so it's not like i haven't had good role models. and it's not like my FOO had issues with food, not at all really, nor my kids - my lad was a fussy eater becos of a stomach problem as a baby but we never made a thing of it, just poked multivits into him when we thought he needed them (funny, he's now a chef! and actually enjoys green stuff, miracle!). so, why am i so hung up on it now?? i never had this before.

sigh...i guess it's just another button for the inner critic to press relentlessly. :'(

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arpy1

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2015, 11:30:13 AM »
i love that guy!

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tired

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2015, 11:36:20 AM »
It's because the extra weight has a very clear cause in my case. It's a result of my decision to eat large amounts of macaroni and cheese, pizza, bread, pastry.  Part of it was for pleasure, which is fine. But the rest, the majority of the amount of food, was to hurt myself and punish myself.  I consider it a failure of the mind that I couldn't just let myself eat for pleasure then stop when I was full.  My failure is the binging to the point of pain.  I can't be sure, but I would guess that if I ate normally, meaning mostly healthy but allowed myself a small amount of fun food, I wouldn't feel like a failure regardless of the weight.  I look at people with extra weight and think, they have a layer of fun. I imagine they gained it because they have healthy social lives, and know how to enjoy life.  I don't.  I do everything wrong.  I'm not even pleasantly plump, I don't look good. I look at people with extra weight and they look proportional and cute and I don't.  I just look like I have a bloated belly.  I see heavy women running at the gym and I can't. I have no energy and I can't lift much.  I'm a fraud really.  I look fit, because I hide my gut under a jacket, and I'm not heavy really.  But all those other women are healthier than I am.  They don't know it. 

Sorry I'm so whiny.  ugh.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2015, 11:41:42 AM »
Personally, and being a male, I have to tell you all that I like something to hold, thank you.

[disclaimer]This is not a 'come-on'. I'm unavailable. Too busy with myself.[/disclaimer]

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tired

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2015, 11:55:30 AM »
See that's what I mean. I'm not even successfull at being pleasantly plump lol

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arpy1

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #20 on: September 22, 2015, 12:24:59 PM »
D/U,  :aaauuugh: :rofl: 

heh heh, no one will ever get the chance with me, whatever size i am!!

it's not that, anyway.

this is an interesting, if somewhat challenging thread. there must be a way to process all this and come out feeling better about ourselves.  ...without having to squeeze our long-suffering selves into size 6. the problem is an inside one and not an outside one.


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Jdog

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #21 on: September 22, 2015, 11:08:32 PM »
Tired-

You likely know this already, but it's time to reframe your situation in such a way that you have a small thing you can tackle- nothing overwhelming or likely to cause defeatist reactions.  Regaining control over something is a gradual process, but one that can be done in small bites (pardon the use of a food metaphor).  What is one thing that you can alter in your approach?  What small change might you make just for today?

Trite as it sounds, the only failure is giving up altogether.  You don't sound like a quitter to me.  You are enough just as you are, and don't have to keep proving your worth to the world.  How would it feel to know that you are doing your best in this moment? 

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tired

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2015, 11:31:28 PM »
I'm the opposite of a quitter. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity when I just keep going in the face of ridiculous obstacles!  You could say I quit a thousand times a day but get right back up over and over.

You know, now that you put it that way, it makes me feel better when I decide to clean the house. It sounds boring but it's something I can do that is immediately useful and since I work from home it feels like I am doing something for my future.  I tell myself, even if I don't have a client now, I can get ready because I never know when someone will show up. 

Sometimes at the end of the day I go to bed early because I figure, I'm at my best early in the day so it makes sense to call it quits when I'm not productive. 

When I think of one change I can make I have trouble because I think of long term goals and short term goals at the same time. I think I should make one change that will help me right now, today, and one that will help me in general. For example, right now I should have a glass of water because I'm dehydrated.  But I should also brush my teeth.  These sound like small things but they are the kinds of things that trip me up.  Once I overcome those types of obstacles, basic basic care, I feel really capable of doing a lot.  Maybe it's because I can do grown up things but I can't do the other stuff.  Find my pajamas, go to the bathroom, get a drink, get under the covers. 

Funny the things I start to realize once I start writing. 


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Jdog

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2015, 01:57:06 AM »
Good. Just keep writing.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2015, 12:18:00 PM »
Hi tired
Well - here goes my long and painful story in short form
Eating has always been an issue from as far back as I remember - I developed early on an addiction to sugar and fat and would orchestrate my life accordingly -
I went through some yrs ( remembering specifically being 7 I wouldn't eat 'normal food ' my mother would give me baby food in jars ( I look back now and it was the sugar in them I was after -
Into my teens I began mini binges and would look forward so much to them - time away from life and feeling good -
My addictions ran with alcohol for many yrs until my rock bottom 5 yrs ago and started working AA program - I stopped drugs too thank you to 12 step -
However my eating got worse - the disease progressed - I ended being fully obsessed and bingeing on carrier bag of flour/ fat / sugar
It was * - in March this year I felt truly insane and joined FA and  its been life changing - I have nearly 6 mths abstinence and lost 3 stone ( bonus ) :) the real joy is I am free of that horrible way of life and the damage it was causing me on so many levels -
I always knew my self worth was low but now I can see just how low -
The food addiction robbed me of a lot - it started as a bit of comfort and ended in psychological *

I couldn't even sort it out on my own and I feel eternally grateful that I found other recovered people who could help me -
I'm learning I have problems and how to deal with them
I am waking up to just how frightened I am of life people situations and my own mental states and I am learning to share and work through them to be a more stable and authentic person who can enjoy life and all it has to offer
I know the desperation and self beating you speak of I also know as you say self beating does nothing worthwhile .
Finding emotional relief in food has in some ways saved me its just that things got worse over time and I can see it needed to so that I could hold my hands up and say 'I can't do this anymore '
From what I gather food issues and mother issues go hand in hand -
Now I don't have a food or mother issue :) !!
Just for today I am free
Go find your freedom sounds like you are closer to being ready
Go easy and find your path

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tired

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2015, 02:41:28 PM »
Boatsetsailrose:  Hearing your story helps me so much as painful as it is.  I don't know what it is but hearing the details of what someone else does makes me feel less crazy.  It's one thing to say I have an eating disorder but to admit the weirdness is hard.  So thank you. 

I've done better the last few days and I wonder if it's because I started talking about it?  I don't know.  I just lost interest a little. But it comes and goes, and I obsess about one thing or another and the last few days food hasn't been the big obsession.  I've also been drinking juice a lot to get my mind off food. I don't know if this is a great strategy. Honestly I don't know how people get over this. But maybe it's all in my head....  Lately I haven't had nightmares and I've been sleeping better.  I have normal dreams.  Even if I watch scary documentaries I still have mundane dreams about regular life.  I slept through my alarm for the first time yesterday and realized, wow I slept through the night. That never happens. 

It seems so obvious to say this but I wonder if just talking about things is the answer and I haven't talked about certain things.  Who would I tell?  Yeah I had a therapist but it's too hard. I didn't trust him. I did, rationally, but emotionally at a gut level I didn't.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2015, 03:24:09 PM »
Yes food is but a symptom - or for me shopping / obsessing about books / being in control ocd type symptoms / obsession is the mental Problem to help me out of being with myself now I have Learnt -
If I have this or do that I will get some ease and comfort - I'm learning that addictive behaviour is not ease and comfort -
I deleted my face book account because I was obsessively checking it -

Sitting with myself and other people and learning to breathe is a new experience :)

Re quote 'talking about things is the answer and I haven't talked about things. Who would I tell ?

For me talking is exactly what has always helped me and continues to help me. I can't do it alone -
It's taken time - ( I am 42 yrs ) to be able to sit with ANYONE and look them in the eye --
Yes trust is a big one for us - I mean it would be wouldn't it seeing where we came from -
I self referred to a psychology service in the UK this yr and was so grateful to be assigned a child trauma therapist - she was amazing to work with - I trusted her, she was similar age ( all my previous therapists of chosen were older ) and I could relate to her in the hear and now -
I came a long way in those sessions -

I've spent 20 yrs talking about things in various forms and I shall continue to till I take my last breath
Cptsd has affected every cell in my body and I have been through * with my mental health -
I finally feel I am finding some true stability in myself - ( with some shakey days )
Doing life without addiction gives me the full chance to be in this body with all that goes on in it -
Sometimes I feel like a child in an adult body - I look around and go gee I'm a responsible adult and I feel like the scared child I did all those yrs ago -
It's been my world when I've entered with other human beings and I've got honest about what goes on in me ( shameful or not ) that has provided healing one cell at a time -
Maybe you could start by talking to your doctor ? Or finding an agency that provides support for child trauma ?
Whatever u decide fear will be there in sure but in my experience it's better than sitting alone with in -
Tell who ever u speak to that you don't trust and what ever other challenges u are experiencing -
Pretending used to be my default setting - even with therapists and learning to be myself has taken lots of practice

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tired

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2015, 03:30:01 PM »
So hard to talk about childhood trauma.  I might talk to a social worker (cheaper) and see.  I don't know.  I don't know if I can. 

I have ocd and I tend to make up silly eating rules so I'm trying to channel the ocd into something useful. Like, better rules about food, or just rules about other things that are useful.  For example, if I get obsessed about keeping the books all in order, it's not going to harm me and it will be something to obsess about and I get the added plus of an orderly bookshelf.  I sit and imagine myself cleaning the house and turn it into a strong compulsion.  Because I know I'm going to obsess about something.

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missbliss

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2015, 04:22:07 PM »
I've had eating disorders my entire life. I used to hoard food as a child, then became obese, then anorexic, then bulimic. After I had my kid things kind of evened out - I no longer purge, but do emotionally eat - healthy stuff though.

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missbliss

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Re: eating disorder
« Reply #29 on: September 24, 2015, 04:27:16 PM »
This is ruining my life.  My life revolves around my eating rules and when I break them I'm a mess. The worst part is, lately my rules aren't even healthy.  I used to have good rules and I was fit and healthy. Now I have rules that include a lot of fat.  I haven't been exercising and my endurance is terrible.  My day is ruined today because I feel terrible about what I ate yesterday and today.  I'm getting fat and I have no energy. 

I think I hate myself.  I try to break out of that self talk and get to a deeper truth about maybe being angry at my mom or something but I'm blocked.  I could just fixate on the eating for now as a behavioral problem and deal with the causes later.  I feel like, though, I'm going to sabotage something. If I fix my eating I'll just ruin something else.

I dont't hear about eating disorders much here so I thought I'd ask.

The turning point in my mind about the whole anorexia/bulimia thing happened due to some very kind and gentle therapist who served as a mirror to me, mirroring back the positive soul qualities I had til I started to believe her - that those qualities were inside. I never knew I had those qualities before. I thought I was never deserving of nurturing. But that really did turn things around - coupled with the oxytocin of the pregnancy - which studies have found are directly correlated to healing ED. There's a good coach online https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChtz2bLx19O5lZ0PuCsFt3w check her out.