New, Scary Journey

[HarpBee]

Newly diagnosed with C-PTSD after having gone through therapy and diagnoses that  never really seemed to totally fit: general anxiety disorder, severe ADD, BPD, depression, etc.etc.etc. Have seen several therapists since 2012, but current one is the first to connect the dots to settle on this new diagnosis - and I have to admit, I'm a little scared.

Briefly me: I've always had what I thought was a horrible memory - no real childhood memories, just a few flashbacks that I feel are talked about experiences and not those that are my own; have battled severe anxiety and mood swings that made me feel almost sincerely crazy at times, since I was in high school (I think), but definitely since my 20's; dove head first in to therapy when my son died in 2012; and to make a long story shorter, I discovered that my problems were far deeper than just dealing with his loss. Now with the few memories I do have, I can say I have a history of extensive emotional and physical abuse from family and was also bullied mercilessly through most of my school years K-12, domestic sexual and emotional abuse from a previous long-term relationship... and essentially I thought that all of this stuff was my fault and I felt that it was only going to continue, although I'm in a much more stable marriage (for almost 7 years, 8 years together) which is pretty miraculous considering the roller coaster of emotional challenges I find myself in.

Right now I'm coping with the feeling that I'm either making this stuff up, like the memories that are coming back from maybe a "breakdown in my compartmentalizing skills" are not mine at all - and the fear of others not believing me because I've never told them these things before. To make matters worse, I find myself lying sometimes... or far too often... about things so that I can feel "normal" as if I have these cherished memories of growing up and becoming a mother and my whole life before 30 years old. So I am afraid that the memories coming back are just that - lies.

Anyways, a rambling of an introduction. I hope to start to understand this more and not feel so much like I have been living a big fat lie for over 36 years (how the * did I shove all of this stuff, these memories I can't find, somewhere for all of this time and just think I was overly emotional?) and like I do not even know who I am, or that I have these multiple personalities: one at work, one in parenting, one being a wife, and then shut down (I'm worthless and everything is piling on top of me) mode, etc. I'm hurt, scared, and feeling so very broken...

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi HarpBee  and welcome,

Your story doesn't seem like a lie at all, it feels quite familiar to me.
Getting the diagnosis is a scary thing, great of you to have come forward with it.

I hope and wish you'll be able to share your memories here, as they return. You seem quite aware when you lie, so you'll probably will know if a memory is a lie too. In any case, sharing them, here and with your T will bring clarity and hopefully some relief.

You are definitely not worthless, and I look forward to see you around.


Dutch Uncle

[arpy1]

dear HarpBee,  i hope it will come as a bit of comfort to learn that everything you wrote here is familiar, it chimes a resonance in me, and i know probably in most of us on this site.  you are not alone, and more importantly, you life isn't and never was a lie. you just have done what any human does, which is survive to the absolute best of your ability. and congratulate yourself, you have survived! long enough to get yourself to where you are now, at the beginning of what could be the biggest healing journey of your life. 

i remember a story about what happened when the first domestic electric light was switched on, in maybe NYC or somewhere. the lady of the house was devastated becos suddenly, the home she had done her best to keep spotless was shown in all it's glory - and she was horrified to notice dust in the corners, spots on the carpet, all the bits she'd missed becos it was just too dark to see them in the room under gaslight.

that's what realising you have cptsd is like. it shows you just how broken you are, and you become aware of stuff you never knew was there. and it is quite frightening, can be overwhelming, but also hopefully a huge relief becos, finally,  it explains you to yourself.

i really hope you will feel safe enough here to say how it is for you. it has been a lifeline for me and i hope it will be for you too 

[Boatsetsailrose]

HarpBee
Thank u for sharing
I remember feeling as u describe -
Denial is quite a thing isn't it - I read somewhere that the insides do this to protect us and then when the climate is right things start moving - sounds like you are moving and now have opportunity to grow and heal further - scarey I know ..

You talk of 'multiple personalities ' but it sounds like coping strategies - I used to lie quite a lot and put on different personalities in different situations to aid 'fitting in '
I didn't used to really know 'who I was - it's taken time to uncover, reveal , explore and heal --
Self hatred and self beating used to be so common for me and I would have the same attitude towards me that people who mistreated me had -
It's not like that for me today - no one is mistreating me - I have some self worth back and I am finally learning to take care of me and know who I am
It's only in this past few months that the 'I'm making this up' thinking has left me - I think it was part of the programming of 'stop making a fuss- no one cares - stop over dramatising type messages
Today I believe it all abso can see it all clearly

Be gentle with yourself - take one day at a time and glad you are here and are being brave and moving forward

[stillhere]

HarpBee,

I've read that one symptoms of CPTSD is a fragmented memory and sometimes very little memory at all for periods of one's life.

The diagnosis might help to explain the sense of unreality that you describe.  It certainly sounds familiar.  One problem that made it worse for me was the lack of validation I experienced everywhere.  Only lately has that problem abated a bit.  Reading stories on this forum has helped.

For most of us, there's no going back.  And mostly, there's little to go back to.