I don't know what's wrong with me

[KayFly]

Recently I went to see a very medication happy Psychiatrist who put me on several different medications for anxiety and depression. I developed a problem with breathing and went off the medications, but at times find it very difficult to breathe, so my Primary Care Physician prescribed me inhalers, and suggested I may have asthma. Today I took the pulmonary test to see if I actually have asthma, and the lady had to push me pretty hard to get the amount of breath out that was needed, but the test shows that everything is working okay in there, so my breathing problem does not have anything to do with having asthma.

I cried in her office because it's been so hard to breathe. I know I have been having panic attacks and they have been causing breathing problems, but so severe that I got a physical injury in my chest from trying to breathe?

I feel like the primary concern may actually just be the anxiety and panic attacks, but I am being encouraged to go off of my anxiety medication (because it's addicting), but I am afraid to take anything that the Psychiatrist prescribes at this point because I never had a breathing problem before I went on all the medications.

I'm so devastated. I missed school and all my responsibilities yesterday because my chest hurts so bad and I'm in so much stress, pain, and anxiety that I can't breathe or sleep. I can't stop crying. I don't know what's wrong with me and I hate it. 

I hate that I can't control my anxiety and that I don't even want to be on medications. I feel like no one understands and I have been telling people that I have asthma and I don't! I * don't have it. So now I'm just embarrassed and I don't want to explain to people that I just have terrible anxiety because everyone wants to put their two * cents in about everything these days, when they just have NO CLUE where I come from or how hard it is for me to * do my day to day things. I just want to quit everything, I want to go back to doing drugs, and smoking and all that other *. But I'm not going to because I've come too far. I'm just so beside myself.

[stillhere]

KayFly,

Of course you're angry!  In addition to everything else, you now have to deal with respiratory problems and the possibility of judgment from those who might be less than understanding about CPTSD as the cause.

But you don't have to tell anyone anything specific.  You can always fudge the facts just a little to say "asthmatic symptoms" or "respiratory distress," both of which are accurate (yes?).  And if you need documentation, you can ask that the symptoms be precisely documented but without mention of anxiety and/or CPTSD.  Arguably, anxiety is "only" a symptom anyway.

That little tactic probably won't make you breathe any better, I know.  Can you perhaps find another medication for anxiety, one less addictive?  With all the psychotropic drugs out there, your psychiatrist should be able to consider alternatives – and if not, should be able to explain why. 

You will get past this phase.  But you have every reason to be frustrated.

[arpy1]

Kayfly, i'm so sorry it's so horrible. i would feel exactly the same in your shoes, it's scary and disheartening. don't have any wise words to say, except am standing with you and wanting to support you even if it's only with a hug 

it sounds very possible that the whole breathing thing might be the meds, but if you can muster the wherewithall, do keep on at the medics, don't let them fob you off. you deserve this to be sorted, you are working so very hard to grow and heal.

keep us posted, dear KF, we care about you.

[woodsgnome]

You've always trusted us to be here. First, foremost, and always, you need to know we're with you as friends who cry with you now. We only have words to put on these screens, but know that we cry for your difficulty right now.

It is devastating, all of this. Even if the drugs worked, they'll never undo the devastation we all feel with all of this—the memories, the decisions, the flashbacks, all of that and more. It's cruel, rotten, and undeserved.

I say that knowing there were many times when I thought for sure I'd gone beyond the emotional backwaters that drag me back. That's the worst, most hopeless feeling around, and the notion of quitting comes back. It's no comfort, I know, but just speaking for myself, those quitting thoughts come daily. Last night was one such time. I fear for what might come over me tonight.

But you're not quitting, just admitting you'd thought of that option; we all have, yet you've crossed the bridge, and shown a lot of courage in doing so. But going back or quitting only takes you a step closer to what you came from. Those breathing problems might surface anywhere if there's an emotional/body tie-in and it seems like that's the main crux of what's going on.

I've been a bit long on what's worked or not in my breathing conundrums, so I won't bore you with any more here. I just wish a scintilla of what I shared could have helped what you've been experiencing. And, as you say, everyone has these two-bit opinions. It gets pretty confusing, which doesn't ride well with fear already driving the car.
It probably feels like being back at the starting line, but even that's still progress. And now you're better equipped in the sense of what you have accomplished. It bodes well that there's a way, that you've created in spite of doubts and fears.

I remember you saying not long ago, in a better state of mind, that you knew there were likely some dark times ahead. This is surely one. Still, you also expressed confidence that it was worth it. It is. I think you know it truly is.

We're here, for you. If this is a new starting-point, we're friends you didn't know you had at the last one. But you do now. Peace, friend...

           

PS--I recall sending a post to you once, and a deer came sauntering by...well, it just happened again. A graceful, beautiful deer peacefully coming by to say Hi. Or peace...or something good. For you. 

[KayFly]

Stillhere, that's a good idea. It kind of sucks because I have 2 people who knew I was going in for this test today (people who actually have asthma) so they will be asking what happened with the test, and I will just say they don't know what it is yet or something.  Technically I still haven't done a lot of tests that could be related to my heart, though it seems it is my anxiety. Whatever. That's just my fear of being close to those people, but the adult part of myself knows its safe to tell them. But I appreciate the reminder that this is just a phase and it will be over soon.

Thank you Arpy for being there. Sometimes just being there for someone and letting them know that, means the world to another person. And it is wise in itself

Woodsgnome, thank you for being so understanding, and receptive, and reminding me of my own strength.  I feel like that's what friends are for. You truly are good friends for all being there and empathizing while I have gone through all this pain. I really appreciate you guys being here in this hard time.

I think I just need a night to myself to reflect and cry. Life's been a bit overwhelming lately. Much love to everyone.

[arpy1]

multiple  and loving thoughts to you, dear KF

[KayFly]

I'm so emotional about this issue now. I'm having a hard time breathing and having anxiety and more anxiety over the breathing and more breathing problems from anxiety.

I don't have asthma, so my doc says to throw away my inhalers and talk to psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is the one who prescribed me something that started this problem.

I'm angry, I feel alone, I am not even talking to my partner who I live with because I can't contain my emotions. I considered dropping out of school but my partner would struggle financially. I feel like no one cares. I have no one to help me with the breathing. It's all up to me and I just want to give up.

I have gone off on 2 doctors this week. I'm depressed all the time. I had to call a suicide hotline on Monday because i was actually planning on killing myself. I hate it. I hate it so much right now.

Now I live in my partners home. I have no family. I can't go home or be sick..I.just have to do this all on my own ever since I was little.  It just feels like it.never gets better

[woodsgnome]

Do you have a way to contact your T outside of the regular appointment times? This seems like a time when you should insist on it, if you don't have it. You mentioned the T does EMDR, but surely there's more help there, associates or other T's? Or it can be found through the T's contacts? You indicated you regarded her highly, and you need that sort of personal help as much if not more than the docs. 

As to the psychiatrist, if a second opinion is an option, that seems worth checking into when you can. Regarding the asthma, if that test you had was the "breathing tube" one, they can be wildly off sometimes, depending on lots of factors like time of day, pre-test diet, etc. At the very least, there's chronic pulmonary stress going on and it can be helped.

You've been resilient with this before, and can be now. There are incredible highs/lows with all that's happened. It's all lonely and no one cares--it's my involuntary nightly mantra. It's all very maddening, and oh how I wish I had more than words.

You've friends...right here.  We care...right here, right now.
We treasure your friendship, your generosity, your noble spirit even in times like now. We all wish we could help more, but we do the best we can. Your incredible spirit will find a way through.

                     

[arpy1]

Dear KayFly, you are Not Alone. (i just wanted to put my two penn'orth in with WsG.)  i know it feels so frightening at the moment.

but we are here for you, we support you and we're not going anywhere.

i want to say,  your health and your recovery are way the most important things at the moment. 
it's just an idea, i don't know how things work at your college, but could you go see your tutors/course leaders and explain your health problems (in whatever detail feels comfortable) and enlist their support?  usually, course leaders are very open to supporting students who have difficult situations. they are an your side and they want to work it out becos they want you to be able to succeed. that's what i've found, generally. they might have some way to help you through this bit, on the study side of things at least.

anyway, just a thought.  be easy dear heart. you will get through this bit. it is horrible right now but it won't always be.

sending you loving thoughts and 

[Dutch Uncle]

I echo the wise words of woodsgnome and arpy.

, dear KayFly.
You are already doing the right thing.

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome, I contacted my T and she got back to me as soon as possible and helped me work through things a bit (primarily after I had to call the hotline, which was triggered by the legal issues with the massage place).  I also see her tomorrow.

Thank you for the information about the pulmonary test. I emailed my doctor and told him that although this could primarily be based in anxiety, the lady made me do the pulmonary test like 6 times before I could pass, and I almost passed out trying to pass it, plus I had used abuteral that day. Something didn't feel right about that. And now the inhalers being swooped from me, is making me feel less in in control and last night everything just got so much worse when I posted here.

Tomorrow I see a Psychiatrist and maybe will find a way to get my anxiety/depression under control because I don't want to live in this much discomfort.

Arpy thank you for your suggestion. I have explained to all of my teachers that I have some heavy things I am dealing with at home, and if they would be so kind to work with me in a sense, it would be appreciated, so I don't have to drop out. I might talk to the health center at school for extra support as well.

And Woodsgnome, Arpy, and Dutch, thank you for your undying support and information regarding resources as well as your validation, that I am doing the right thing and that I do have the strength within me.  When I wrote last night, I think I was in so much distress, I couldn't see any of that, and I feel better today, but It's important to have these reminders. I hope everyone has a great day. Thank you again   

[arpy1]

you sound so much more upbeat and so much less distressed today, dear KF, that i feel really proud of you!  and really glad you've been able to access abit of support irl from your T, hope it goes well tomoro. and with the psychiatrist. you have a busy day there!

keep on keeping on. much support

[woodsgnome]

This kind of floors me. You wrote:

"the lady made me do the pulmonary test like 6 times before I could pass"

...if you failed that many times but passed just once, it sure seems like that should indicate the presence of asthma or some pulmonary stress, not its absence. Whatever her thinking was, it has a funny feel--like maybe she thought your intent on doing the test was like an academic one, and you'd be happy to pass, so let's keep on going? Maybe she didn't understand that you weren't trying to pass or fail, but was curious in a search for possibilities? And after 6 tries, oh good you passed? And you had used albuterol that day, which should skewer the test favourably, but it took that many repeats to do so?

I'm very leery about giving med advice of any sort; med stuff freaks me out anyway. But as an asthmatic, and having been around these tests, I don't get that one. At all. If you'd had 3 passes, 3 fails it would obviously indicate a neutral result...but the 5-1 score? Too weird to come up with a "pass" on that.

But I only write this to point out what seems incongruous in the testing outcome. I do so hoping it doesn't trigger any more anxiety than you already have about this.

I hope all goes well with the T...you deserve a break on this, and a truly caring, understanding human seems what's most needed. You're showing remarkable poise; it's bad enough just to be dealing with cptsd, let alone all this added stress. Anyway you can, find ways to relax, confident you are really doing the best.

Take good care.     

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u arpy for your post -
I seem to be in a similar situation today -
Triggers have been other people and my thinking of 'I'm bad - I'm wrong ( the usual )
Coupled with my need to obsess and control the future and things around me 'mostly in my head ) and then tonight I was in full fear and couldn't breathe -
Anxiety ( fear ) has been such a long term symptom for me

I would like to introduce the concept of going to a 'breathing circle ' not sure where u live but u can google transformational breath or breath work or conscious breathing
I went to a circle this wk and it was excellent and now I can use it daily -

We use so little of our lung capacity in day to day life anyway and then when fear strikes and things get too much we use less -

I just had a hot bath and it helped -

This disorder when it is on is flooring ...