Covert NPD Mother

[Kizzie]

I could just as easily put this under "religious abuse" because for my NPDM motherhood was her religion, she was its goddess, her bible was "The Book of The Good Mother," and we were her acolytes.  As I learned much later in life (but had known at some level all along), she was in fact a covert narcissist who fed her emotional needs by gathering accolades for being the good M. 

I was raised to keep her front and centre in my life, to worship her goodness (especially in front of others), and to never ever make her look bad; this was the most important commandment in her bible.  When I was younger I truly believed I deserved punishment for making her sad or angry, but that became more difficult as I got older and began to feel like something was really off. I was often angry at my M, but mothers are good aren't they? And mine certainly looked good.  Looking back I see a long trail of guilt and confusion on the one hand, and anger and sadness on the other. There was  always the question "Who was the problem?" Push and pull, push and pull.  I now understand that was a fight to survive (uphold my M's facade), and a fight to walk away from her "religion" to freedom. 

When I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the light went on.  She is a covert N who fed on the adoration of friends and family for how good an mother she was.  But she hadn't been a good mother and that idea turned my world upside down or so it felt at the time.  It had taken a long time to let the idea surface into consciousness that she was abusive and neglectful, but my soul had known it all along.  To listen to my anger, to let it surface meant I was going against all that I had been taught and it was a really tough roller coaster ride over a year or so until coming to grips with the thought that it was her all along.

It was especially difficult to see it because she is a covert N and they are stealthy in their abuse and very good at gaslighting others. In what appeared to be a sea of plenty, I was malnourished, starving for the safety, sense of belonging, love and sense of self other children have when they are mothered in a healthy way. My NPDM had used the religion of "The Good Mother" to hold my soul captive, to abuse and control me with this belief. But she was not a good mother. That simple sentence threatened my sense of self more than anything else I have ever feared.  Seeing this truth straight on meant things would never be the same. 

It is no wonder it took decades to see the truth.  Through the eyes and heart of a child, the idea of losing your M is absolutely terrifying, losing the provider of all the necessities of life from food, clothing and protection to love, support, wisdom and guidance and a sense of belonging and self represents death, figuratively and as a young child would believe literally.  Despite knowing deep inside that something wasn't right with my M, I had to submerge that, blame myself and push myself to always try harder and maybe one day she would be the m other I needed and deserved. I remember a longing, this hope that one day she would actually become a good M. I wanted that so much, long into adulthood. All of that was integrated into who I am and so a lot of fear came before giving up on the hope and faith in ever having a mother.  For a while there was sense of loss, and of anger, sadness and emptiness. I think this must feel what it's like to walk away from your religious faith.

Today though I feel free, finally. I have more energy to fill up the empty spaces with things that nourish and sustain me, finally. Finally.

[mourningdove]

Kizzie, my mother is also a covert N and I relate to everything you wrote.

I'm so happy that you are finally feeling free. That is inspirational.



It is crazy-making the way everyone thinks they are good.

[Kizzie]

Kizzie, my mother is also a covert N and I relate to everything you wrote. It is crazy-making the way everyone thinks they are good.

It really is isn't it!?  I found the not knowing whether it was her or me the worst, that push pull feeling going back and forth.  Crazy making is it!   

Yesterday my H and I were looking for frames for a certificate acknowledging 40 years of service in the military.  He laughing suggested we buy a bunch of frames for my M, laughingly because the walls her apartment are literally covered in them, pictures of all the people who love her. She gets to feed her need for adoration by surrounding herself with these pictures so she can look at them to "feel the love" and so that anyone who comes to visit will see how wonderful she is. When we used to visit I remember feeling all these accusing eyes on me lol.   

Nowadays I see now how small her sense of self is (as opposed to how big an ego I thought she had) and that she must do things like this to survive, to protect a fragile ego from collapsing. 

I don't like having CPTSD, but I am grateful not to have had it turn into a PD. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I don't like having CPTSD, but I am grateful not to have had it turn into a PD.

Yes. For the love of everything good, yes. 

[stillhere]

I feel like voting for everything said in this thread:  yes, yes, yes. 

As children, we have no choice but to accommodate, somehow, the "reality" of an NPD parent.  And then once we come out of the FOG, we face too many people trying to pull us back in. 

Southbound, like you, I have an NPD mother who is in charge of most connections.  My family is dispersed, and years ago, before I went NC, I tried to establish some independent ties -- that is, communicate with cousins without going through my mother.  She was furious, and all family members except one brother acquiesced.  I understand the power she exerted in the household; after all, it was enforced violently at times.  But why everyone else, including people who aren't directly related to her? 

Kizzie, I think in some ways, a covert narcissist is harder to address.  My mother became more overt than covert, and eventually, going NC was an act of mere survival.  I applaud the effort you've made to understand a set of dynamics that are probably subtler.

[mourningdove]

  He laughing suggested we buy a bunch of frames for my M, laughingly because the walls her apartment are literally covered in them, pictures of all the people who love her. She gets to feed her need for adoration by surrounding herself with these pictures so she can look at them to "feel the love" and so that anyone who comes to visit will see how wonderful she is. When we used to visit I remember feeling all these accusing eyes on me lol.   

Mine has a wall like this, too. 

[Dutch Uncle]

The last time I gave my mother a photograph of me, she 'reported back' to me the next time I met her (some months later) that her friends had said: "what a beautiful man", and that they couldn't understand I didn't have a wife.

Thanks mom 
I vowed to myself never to give her a picture of me again. There's always a percieved flaw, isn't there. 
Control freaks, meddlers. I bet it was my mom who actually said it, and her disciples nodded in compliant agony. 

[arpy1]

sorry, but for her to say that was poisonous! GRRRR

(but ha!... taking her nastiness out of it for the moment, they still thought you were cute... so take the compliment in spite of her!!!)

YAY D/U! 

[Dutch Uncle]

they still thought you were cute... so take the compliment in spite of her!!!

I did. Thanks for reaffirming that.
And the spite that went with it... Trainloads  .

[Kizzie]

Sorry Dutch, I know how that feels - a seeming compliment followed by the  .... wait for it, you know it's coming .... criticism.  And of course she is blameless because it was not her saying it (not having a wife), it was her friends.

Your story reminded me of when I saw a psychologist for a time, just about the time when I had just learned about being an adult child of an alcoholic and he said something really interesting one day.  He asked me if I knew the story of the grandmother who had her little granddaughter out and was showing her off to her friends.  When one of her friends said how cute the granddaughter was, the woman said, "If you think she's cute, you see should my pictures." 

I don't think I entirely got what he was saying then, probably because I was focused on my F's alcoholism and missing my M's behaviour, but now some 35 years later I really get it. I was a means to an end for my NPD M.  And because she was covert, a "stealth N" as I've heard it called it was all the harder to believe I had been abused and neglected, to bring it to the surface.  "Well look at all the pictures she has of me, I must be important, loved must I not ......? 

[Kizzie]

Forgot to add in how much my NPDM controlled me with her smear campaigns too Southbound.  Once my uncle (M's brother) phoned me to tell me my M was going through a rough time because my F had cancer and I needed to support her more.  I remember thinking "What the *?"  My F is the one who needs support right now, and me as well - step up to the plate yourself why don't you?"  It goes without saying that she had been complaining about me to him and  he felt I needed a bit of a verbal spanking.

Of course I didn't say much of anything because I was so scared of being ostracized and dammed by these people my M had made so big in my life. Since learning about NPD they became much smaller in size and I am no longer in contact with any of them.  Feels great, the sky did not fall as once I though it would lol.  ,   

[Dutch Uncle]

He asked me if I knew the story of the grandmother who had her little granddaughter out and was showing her off to her friends.  When one of her friends said how cute the granddaughter was, the woman said, "If you think she's cute, you see should my pictures." 

And because she was covert, a "stealth N" as I've heard it called it was all the harder to believe I had been abused and neglected, to bring it to the surface.  "Well look at all the pictures she has of me, I must be important, loved must I not ......? 
[...]
Once my uncle (M's brother) phoned me to tell me my M was going through a rough time because my F had cancer and I needed to support her more.  I remember thinking "What the *?"  My F is the one who needs support right now, and me as well - step up to the plate yourself why don't you?"  It goes without saying that she had been complaining about me to him and  he felt I needded a bit of a verbal spanking.

It's horrible. I share your pain.
The agony of feeling there is something wrong, but not being able (or having a hard time) to put the finger on it. An agonizing mind twisting process.
When it's outside ones direct 'circle' (like the story about the grandma) it's relatively easy to spot/acknowledge, but when it's inside and close, like with your mom, it takes ages to see it for what it is... Truly an elephant in the room...Trampling on your toes all the time (well, more like on your heart/soul/gut) 
To get a rebuke for giving appropriate care/attention/empathy to the one who is genuinely deserving of it...It rips your gut out, no? 

and good for you that "Today though I feel free, finally. I have more energy to fill up the empty spaces with things that nourish and sustain me, finally. Finally."
It must have been a * of a job to get there. 

[mourningdove]

 

[Kizzie]

I let it go on and on too Southbound - I am 60 next year also.   Once you come out of the fog and can see things clearly it is gut wrenching to look at just how much you have lost. And if that's not something to "howl at the moon " over I don't know what is.  It's difficult to reconcile, to accept and frankly I doubt I ever will completely.  On a bad day (tired, triggered, stressed, ill), it rises up in me still. That's when I do the coyote thing, howl away and then let it go because sadly there is no changing things, there is only moving forward.

[Kizzie]

I don't know if this will help you (or me, for that matter) but I have an idea that my self-destructiveness -- the behaviours that lead to being tired, triggered, stressed and ill -- is the place to start. Kizzie, at our age we've come too far to be punishing ourselves now for having punished ourselves all our lives.

Indeed, my goal these days is to be have more compassion for myself, and de-stress and avoid people/things I know will trigger me wherever and whenever possible.   

I'm working with a few concepts: Looking at what's right about me and my life as it is. Loving who I am now.

Ditto! 

WRT writing, I don't know of any that are about the personal experience of living with CPTSD.  There are snippets in Pete Walker's book, but none that are fully about the experience of having CPTSD.  Perhaps this might be something to think about since you enjoy writing and are willing to tell your story.  Just a thought.