arpy1's journal

[arpy1]

ok, i'm gonna start a journal here becos it helps, i think, to share stuff with people becos it solidifies your thinking and invites feedback.

today is the first day of my new journal.

in pursuance of my new do-it-yourself approach to therapy (having sacked my T and run out of £ for more, due to an unexpectedly huge car repair bill  )  i have just started reading the Pete Walker book on Cptsd.  i can only read a few pages at a time becos i find it really triggering altho also really helpful. (also i am in the middle of changing meds, coming down off one before starting another, which means i am very emotional)

i have over the last week or so been introduced to the idea that it is ok for me to feel all of my feelings, good, bad, ugly. that i can lose all the xian and familial taboos that have screwed the lid on my emotional life for decades.  that has been mega.

also i have realised that i can do self compassion and self protection. in other words i can learn to be kind to me and to stand up for me. again a totally novel concept when applied to me (sadly, as a 'good' xian, wife, mother, carer, rescuer,  i've always been very good at doing it for everybody else, but me? nah)

today i read about 'reparenting', and was partic moved by the idea of imagining going back in time and standing up for the little person that was me. this is what happened when i did it. i had a good cry about it as it happened.

if I could go back in time. (refathering - Pete Walker's book)

If I could go back in time the first place would be to the very beginning when you joined the jp. I would go back, find you, little girl-woman that you were, and I would get you out of there. I would get you out of there, before he (N, the main leader) had a chance to steal your soul. I would save you from his shouting and screaming and bullying and his making you feel guilty for everything you were, all the time. I would save you from his power, from the fear he put into you, from the annihilation he carried out on your selfhood, from his theft of your right to say no, to protect yourself,  I would stop the way he stormed over all of your soul, invading all of you, and took control of you, the warping of your mind and the twisting of the faith you brought in with you. I would protect you from him, I would save you from becoming just another object upon which he wrote his story, just another object of his need for godlike authority. I would save you from all that was evil there. I would get you out of there even if it meant running away secretly with the clothes you stood up in and never going back. I would never let all that stuff happen to you. You would be safe.

And then I would go further back. I would make mum well so that she wouldn't have gone away from you. She would have been at home with you when you needed her so badly and then you wouldn't have been so scared all the time and so alone.

And then I would go further back; I would stop that man molesting dad when he was little and I would stop his parents from rowing all the time; I would make him have been a happy boy and grow into a happy man who could love you like a proper dad. I would make him have loved you and liked you and thought you were valuable, not a nuisance.

that's it for now. thanks for the space to do this. thanks if you take the time out to read.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Kizzie]

  I am sending you a hug, but I also wanted to say that when I read your post I thought of this little emoticon, of today arpy hugging (and protecting and loving) young arpy who had to deal with so much on her own.

[arpy1]

thank you honey, i think she was a bit short on the hugs for a while back there    it's weird how hard it is to do this stuff.

[arpy1]

ok.  it is now nearly two weeks since the therapy disaster that sent me spiralling down into a big fat EF for days.  i have tried to handle this one self-compassionately and not beat myself up about it, and not force myself to function until i was ready. it's the first time i have had the presence of mind to do that, but it has still been two weeks when i haven't been able to cope with much.

hence, the flat is a mess, i have just about got enough laundry done to have clean clothes (and now the washing m/c has sprung a leak so someone will have to come in and fix it which is another thing to worry about) - and the washing up is, as usual, an ever-increasing pile.     my 'things to do list' is a mile long and sits there reproaching me all day while i veg out in front of stupid movies and wildlife documentaries. and i can't help it. i can't function. i just can't make myself tackle that stuff.  it is like a huge mountain again. i guess when i can, i will bitesize it again and get it under control but at the moment it's more that i can do. and it's frustrating.

but....i was quite proud becos for the first time in nearly two weeks i made myself go to the gym yesterday. alright, i didn't get there till 5pm and it was hard to make myself go through my whole programme, but i did it.  trouble is i then pigged out on choc. i was going to reward myself but as usual went way over the top and instead of one bar, stuffed two, and loads of snax to boot.  i try so hard to do 'moderate' but somehow i just can't do it specially with choc. and it makes me feel so bad with myself. but at least i didn't get the bottle of wine. so that was something.

i feel like jekyll and hyde so often.  i can be being perfectly rational and sensible one minute and then suddenly i get afraid or anxious or whatever and rationality goes right out the window and i am in scared, unthinking panic mode.  or i can be both at the same time. it is so tiring, so unstable.

like this a.m i had a doctor appointment.  he is great, and he is probably the only person i have any trust in at the moment. and he was his usual kind, patient self. but i am always really nervous about going and i still was in a huge panic on the way home, going over everything i said, convinced that despite what he says to me,  he is totally fed up with me and thinks i am a stupid, neurotic, malingering, mad,  all sorts of things..  i am 58 yrs old, for pete sakes, and still so insecure it's embarrassing. 

i wish i could just be normal sometimes. .....   but i did get to the gym yesterday, didn't i?....

[Dutch Uncle]

but i did get to the gym yesterday, didn't i?....

and:
- i have tried to handle this one self-compassionately and not beat myself up about it, and not force myself to function until i was ready. it's the first time i have had the presence of mind to do that,
-  at least i didn't get the bottle of wine. so that was something.
- [doc] was his usual kind, patient self.

i am always really nervous [...] he is totally fed up with me and thinks i am a stupid, neurotic, malingering, mad,  all sorts of things.. 

I bet you're his favorite patient. But he can't tell anybody  . Not even you.
Besides, it's his job. Which he loves and obviously is good at.

[arpy1]

heh heh, thanks DutchUncle, but i suspect he has trouble choosing between all the batty menopausal old women under his care....!!  he is exceptional at what he does though, i do count myself lucky, batty tho i am

[arpy1]

I read that article on shame yestday and it reminded me of N and his appalling behaviours, the bullying and shaming tactics he used. The whole system he set up to first of all break down our boundaries and defences and then to systematically shame us into doing what he wanted. It was the clearest I have seen it.  It gets clearer each time I have a little lightbulb moment; like each tiny light combines with all the others to make a bigger light and the carefully crafted 'system', the whole sorry deception becomes more and more lit up and I feel angry that he got away with it for so many years – 40 years. 40. 40 f...ing years. And that he was doing it right up to the day of his death, sick and old as he was, he still was wrestling to keep his control over what happened to the church when he was gone. That really sums him up. He was a terrible, terrible man. And he ruled me for decades, both when I was there and when I wasn't. He still rules me today but only in the sense that I am struggling to lose the power and influence and damage and hurt he inflicted upon my soul and spirit.

Soul murder. That's a very evocative phrase. And that's exactly what he did to us. To me. He raped and murdered my soul, my very spirit, again and again and again.

God, no wonder I am so messed up.  I could probably have healed from the abandonment and attachment stuff from when I was a kid. I'm an intelligent woman and with a bit of help maybe, I could have healed. But this. The  JP, N. I don't know how to heal from it. And the 'help' I have had from therapy so far has been – well – to be kind, call it somewhat lacking.

I am feeling guilty today becos I am not doing much. I feel guilty for not cleaning, not hoovering the flat, for everything, eating too much yestday, not being proactive about things.  But in truth I feel down, sad, tired, physically wiped, anxious, unsure, a bit wired and weird. So why am I letting guilt make me feel worse?

Ok it's the weight thing. Becos I over-ate. And I feel bad in this ugly body. And I feel guilty becos despite four months of exercising regularly I don't really actually feel any better than I did when I started and I certainly haven't lost weight. I have gained it. Coming off the mirtazipine is supposed to fix this. But I am only a quarter of the way through the changeover, reducing mirtazipine and going back on a low dose of citalopram so I don't know why I should feel it necessary to beat myself up about it. Becos I haven't fixed it NOW? Becos I haven't made even a little progress? But maybe I can't expect any of those things to happen until I am established on citalopram on the right dose. Etc. etc. then I can start measuring progress and beat myself up, right? Not yet.

guilt. that's what is making me feel bad at the moment. guilt and the shame i acquired. the whole point about self compassion and self protection is that i don't condemn myself and i protect myself from unfair treatment. i am treating myself unfairly and condemning myself.  i guess that equates with the inner critic thing the PW book describes.  ok. so i have to protect myself from it. my inner critic. ought to give it a name. i shall call it The Bitch.  i have to learn to protect myself from the Bitch and not believe her all the time. 

do i have any real reason to feel guilty? right at this moment? nope. can't think of anything i have done that should be on my conscience. ok. so listen, Bitch, get lost. yup, that's it.

[Dutch Uncle]

 
Awesome.
(so I'm left with a bit of a gaping mouth  , unable to utter more.)
Awesome. 

[Kizzie]

Good for you for being the shark and chasing away guilt and shame Arpy  

Send it back to N "Return to Sender" or off into space because it doesn't belong to you 

[arpy1]

ok. it's a week since i wrote my journal irl and nearly the same here.  i have been in my Cave.  big time.  i am still in the middle of changing meds, and so altho i'm now on the new one, the dose is still very low. so is my mood.  makes me realise how much the others were working! not that that was ever at issue, it was the weight gain thing that prompted the change.  i just hope that when i am up on the therapeutic dose of this one, i will be functional again. and that maybe i can fit into all my clothes again. getting fed up with only being able to fit a third of my wardrobe.   

for the present  though, i just feel dead from the neck up. it really is a bit of an endurance test, but i am determined to do it. i have to get rid of the weight before my health starts to suffer. 

it's weird. after i sacked my T i went all obsessive and started doing loads of reading and stuff. i was determined that i wasn't going to lose ground just becos that relationship turned out not so ideal.  i had to find my 'wise mind' about it all becos of the big EF the whole episode triggered but i managed to in the end - and i decided to just take from it the good bits, the progress i had made with her, and not throw the baby out with the bathwater just becos she was a bit too unprofessional for me to cope with any more. 

becos i did make progress, i think; i finally faced up to the screaming, sobbing woman in my head - and she seems to have calmed right down since. so that i think maybe she doesn't need to be a separate part of me anymore but can belong in 'me' somehow.  she's maybe not such a bad old stick once you get to know her! (when she shuts up with the screaming and sobbing already...) no, truth is i think she had a lot to be screaming and sobbing about.  i was just too afraid of feeling all the pain and fear she had locked up in her. so she had to be locked up too. but when i listened to her at last, 'the sky didn't fall', as someone posted somewhere. the world didn't end and there weren't any lions in the street. funny that. wish i'd known - i'd have got out more...  anyway, the good thing is, i feel like she's slowly fading away....

so, all in all, altho i feel pretty crap at the moment, i think i am actually doing ok. i just have to keep being kind to myself and not beating myself up about all the stuff i can't do for now, and give myself lots of pats on the back for the things i am doing.

...and i went to the gym today.... yay me.

[arpy1]

thank you so much, i feel really affirmed. just needed that, right at that moment.  you r a very kind lady 

sleep well. and altho it's only 3pm here in northland, i am gonna take a wee power nap too... 

[arpy1]

The last few days have been a struggle.  It has been rough, doing this changeover.  An endurance test, but when have I ever not been good at endurance? It's what I do!   But honestly, I am feeling so discouraged.

It occurred to me today that I have been on antidepressants for the best part of the last thirty years - half my life. That is a depressing thought! It basically means either I am an exceptionally weak person, or that my life has been crap.  I don't think I am weak, not considering what I have gone through over the years and stuck with and survived, and raised two kids besides. 

If I read the story of my life as someone else's history, I would think, you poor sucker, you got yourself really screwed, didn't you?  What a story!  I know it isn't any worse than anyone else's.  Unusual, maybe, but not that unique.  But I just haven't been able to cope with it. I have been depressed for most of it, quite often to the point of fervently wishing to die. 

And when I finally got wise and removed from it all the toxic parts and people, so I could start again clean... well, there's kind of very little left.

So I come back to this question that I have asked myself for the last four or five years: how on earth do you reconstruct your life from the foundations upwards when you have so little left, no internal and no external resources to speak of. When you are in such poverty of body and soul? How do you get resources and begin to rebuild. Is it even possible to build anything?  It seems impossible. Yet I have to try. I have to try becos I cannot bear the next couple or three decades, how ever long I have left of this sad little life, if I don't have something, make something that is worth having?  Even if it's small?  I can't aspire to anything big but a small, contented life would be great at this point.

Everything is hard. Everything. Just facing each day is hard.

I wish that I was able to pull myself together. I wish that I could feel I was making progress. I have been off work a whole year and I still feel so weak and broken. This constant struggling against fear and panic and pain is so tiring. I am scared I will stay trapped in this and never be strong enough to heal myself. 

But I just can't accept that that has to be the way it is. I'm driven by this imperative to heal, somehow, anyhow. It just feels so impossible, today. I am weary inside, today.

[Kizzie]

From my heart to yours arpy, my world is better because you are in it, because of who you are inside, the truths you speak, the pain you share, your generosity and caring nature     I am genuinely richer for knowing you.  I hope you are able to take this small bit of care and fan it into a lovely, little fire that warms you. 

[arpy1]

wow.Thank you dear Kizzie, what a sweet and kind thing to say. i really appreciate it. thank you