arpy1's journal

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes I do know that feeling arpy1. 

And it does hurt. Oh dear, does it hurt. Cry, shout, scream, sob. If you want and can. Or anything else you want and can. 
It's OK. It does hurt.







Definitely dance and sing and smile and shout and yell when this EF is over. 

[arpy1]

 

[arpy1]

today. ok. well...

woke up feeling less fraught than i have in a while, which means, please god, that the meds are finally starting to kick in. i don't think i could cope with many more days like the last week's worth.  but i do feel calmer, at the moment.

haven't been able to do anything for so long, and it's hard to keep not feeling guilty/anxious about all the jobs i am not doing.  each day i plan this and that and end up doing so little. it is really frustrating and i have to keep telling myself that it's only temporary and that i will feel better soon and be able to tackle stuff again. i have to practise being kind to myself every second. it's actually hard work!! 

that said, i think i am not doing too bad, considering that i have been a month without effective medication. i forget that they actually do work, so maybe this episode has served as a useful reminder that i do need them.  it would be nice not to, but i can't see that happening. i think i saw this week just how ill i am when i don't have them. i haven't felt this bad for a very long time. the EF's and the terror i was feeling was off the scale. 

it's weird then, how i still disbelieve myself.  i still don't believe that i am ill.  i still believe i should be stronger, more unselfish, etc etc...
it's like i feel like i am just making excuses for myself all the time.  even though no one else is actually saying that, or even hinting it. 

it is so unfair that i have been indoctrinated to feel this way.  i didn't ask for it, it was imposed on my thinking and reinforced through bullying and manipulation for years. i should feel more angry than i can manage but i do feel a bit angry. the injustice of what happened to me. it was wrong.

frustrating thing of course is that nothing will ever happen to make the people who did it to me see what they did. i will always be the 'wrong' one for them.  more injustice.

the only things that will change will be the things i change.  i am the only one who can do anything about repairing the damage they did to me. that sucks, but it's just the way it is. i am feeling fatalistic about it, i guess.  and angry, a bit angry that it has to be this way.  but shouting 'no fair' is a bit pointless. i will bloody well heal myself, or die trying. F..k the lot of them.

[tired]

i watch a lot of documentaries.  things that show someone overcoming a terrible life and the ending is uplifting or whatever. makes me feel like everyone is like me, going through a lifetime of crap and making the best of it to the point where by the time they are middle aged they have done something worthy of a 20/20 special .it's not like we can really know how bad we had it compared to anyone else.  when you think about it, no matter how bad our life was, we do have something extremely valuable: our power of insight. it gives us a kind of peace, even if it's just for brief moments at a time, that some people won't ever know.    anyway that's how i don't lose my mind with the feeling that life is unfair. 

[arpy1]

we do have something extremely valuable: our power of insight.

yes! absolutely. it is the only thing to keep us sane, isn't it? the insight to see what we need to change, and the understanding, no matter how hard won, to know how to. that is absolutely true, tired. thank you for that. it helps.

[arpy1]

today...  ok i had a couple of quite goodish days and then yesterday (was it?? losing track), bam! big trigger,  got pretty upset and felt a bit of a drip all day. did try the EF management list and it helped, learning to breathe properly and relax and stay in my body etc.         

telling myself that i am safe and that no one can hurt me is very hard for me, and it takes ages for me to believe that i am not in danger. 

today i felt a bit ill when i woke up, fighting off some kind of bug, feeling sicky etc. also woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep, mind whizzing - so twas a struggle. then my son asked to borrow some money which i never refuse if i have it, becos he is trying really hard, and works all hours, but he has screwed up on something and has a big bill to pay by the 26th  - could i please lend him some of it so he can eat for the rest of the month??? 

trouble is money is  a big big worry for me these days. i am pulling in all the debts owed to me at the mo, which amounted to quite a lot. so having just been paid back some, i now felt i had to give it all to him, and knew i would feel guilty if i didn't, becos of course if i have anything i must share it and i have to fix his mistake...! 

i find the whole money thing very triggering becos i have let myself be used in the past and am trying really hard to protect myself.  anyway, in the end, after a big EF, more '13 steps', more breathing, a bit of a cry, i decided that i would give him some of it, and make sure i had enough of a buffer left to allay my constant anxiety about running out of money. i told myself that it is his mistake, his responsibility, and i don't have to fix things for him. i know he'll be fine about it, just grateful for any help i can give, he is not a user, but it's just my own guilts and fixer mentality that does this to me.    i don't really mind lending to my kids, becos they're my kids, and becos they always pay me back.  it's when people take advantage of my friendship that it gets so horrible.

once i had made the decision i felt a lot more in control, but of course, now i am left with the backlash of emotional de-stressing required to get back into some kind of balance.

this managing emotions is hard work, no doubt about it, i feel exhausted!  it would have been nice to have a restful day not feeling fraught... ho hum. 

anyway, i managed to do a load of laundry, put out the rubbish and also tackled my raspberry canes which needed cutting back for winter. so i feel like i am making some small progress.

i wish i could stop putting so much pressure on myself to get better quicker.  i really am doing my best.  maybe i need to reward myself for what i have achieved today... i handled an EF (well, sort of), made a decision that was good for me rather than just good for someone else, did some jobs...

it really helps writing this down, becos  it has changed my perspective from today being a horrible, upset, stressy day into one where i have actually done good.  becos i have. i done good.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Kizzie]

    and     Arpy, you did do good 

[arpy1]

woke up today, (after the obligatory community dream  ) feeling totally wiped. Was a bit shocked at how my eyes were puffy, esp one of them; really swollen on one side. I think it was becos I had cried so much yestday and wiped my eyes with mentholated tissues – bad idea. 

I seem to be quite run down; I sneeze and cough but no cold seems to break.  I feel exhausted. I think it reminds me of when the baby died, how we spent 3 or 4 months just sleeping half the day, exhausted by the least little thing. Totally wiped. And that's how I feel now. As if the grief I am experiencing with all these memories that keep popping up is wearing out my body. Makes sense I suppose.  Do feel rough though. And trying not to pressurise myself about the cleaning, which remains undone.

I feel like just curling up today and snuggling down in bed.  Maybe I will. Have to go out for milk, tho and I might go to the library if it's open.  I need to soak up my brain a bit. One thing about feeling physically crap is that I always find it so boring. Not crap enough to sleep, too crap to do anything.  And I don't want to sit and ruminate all day. Do enough of that as it is.

i think these meds don't blank my mind off so much as the last lot. which means i am feeling a lot more feelings. mostly bad ones, sadly. but at least i am not numbed out. it just means i have to keep dealing with the stuff that comes up. which i guess is probably good, having squashed it all down for forty years. it's maybe one reason why i feel so exhausted. bit like standing outside in a hurricane - it just keeps on coming.  i hope i am not being stupid by letting it come up. not that i could stop it, i think, especially not the dreaming. but i hope i am not just indulging myself and making myself worse.

[Dutch Uncle]

  , dear arpy1.

[arpy1]

this is going to be a Big Whinge and it may be triggering so don't read on if you're feeling grisly yourself.  i just have to get it out before it all blows a big hole in my brains.

every time i close my eyes, at night or just for a nap, i dream weird dreams about the community. not only that but yesterday i dreamed i was having a big row and a physical fight with my FOO sister (NC). and yesterday afternoon when i felt really grotty and full of flu-ey symptoms i just had to go lie down and sleep. and guess what? dreamed again, weird, unsettling all about people in the community. and in last night's episode N, the cult leader even appeared (i was thinking, 'but you're dead' but then in the dream, would you believe, i remembered from another previous dream where he had come back from the dead to take over control again and then said 'oh yes, he came back from the dead didn't he?'. and i was scared until i thought 'i'm not going to be afraid of you, you b......d, you ruined my life, i hate you.'... at which point i woke up. 

i amso fed up with it.

i just want to be able to go to sleep and rest. i am tired from the constant grief and emotional turmoil. sick to death that not only did he (N) and the years i spent in the church steal my soul and my life from me, it isstill stealing my life from me. i don't even have a life becos i have no energy left to do anything but fight against the damage in an desperate attempt to heal myself  becos there is no-one else gonna do it but me. it is still ruling me. i want to be free and i am trying so, so hard. but i am feeling so discouraged.

it just feels like, no matter that i am taking all the steps i can, toddling baby steps as fast as my little legs will carry me, i seem to be stuck in this morass of depression and fear and now anger and hatred are popping up too and i just feel exhausted from the constant battle. one way or another, my whole life has been a constant fight against disintegration. and i am still having to do it. and i want it to stop. i want to wake up one morning and feel OK - just ok, it doesn't need to even be wonderful, just bloody ok would be good.

i have all these things i want to do, not just jobs but nice things, creative things; and i can't find the energy to do anything at all. i feel physically run down and worn down and worn out.  i can't stop fighting becos to stop fighting is to let myself disintegrate. but i can't seem to find a foothold in all this.  i can't see where i am going, i have no vision of where i want to get to, what kind of life would even be possible for me. i don't even  know who i am for god's sake, let alone what i want out of 'life'. how would i know? i never had one before. i never got the chance. bad luck, arpy. just bad luck, like loads of other people get.

why did  these things have to happen to me?  what did i do that was so wrong? how could i have let it happen? been such a blind victim for so many years? stupid, answerless questions. but which of us doesn't rail against the injustice of life?  just bad luck. i can't say i just don't want to play any more. i have to stay around, just for the kids. and i will, but god, it is on sufferance at the moment.

i feel angry, sad, broken, disheartened, full of grief and hatred for the people who f.....d up my life, angry that i didn't see it, didn't know enough to stop it, wasn't able to stop it. angry that i don't know how to do boundaries and to protect myself, even now, so that i am holed up in my little flat with no contact with anyone except the kids and this forum.  angry that i am so weak and so ill i can't pull it round even tho i am trying so hard. angry at what humans do to each other and get away with.

there .  that's what i am feeling.  just had to get that out. please feel free to ignore it; like i say, it is a Big Whinge, nothing more.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

You will wake up one day feeling OK.

[woodsgnome]

Anger's great, sadness is fine, contradiction happens, bad dreams too. It may appear only as an image on a screen, but my heart sends you this: 

There's one theory of dreams (granted there are zillions) that posits that some of them can be acting as a release valve. Almost medical, in the sense of they don't feel good but might be part of a larger process. So even "weird dreams" as you call them can be a functional part of recovery.

If they bring anger, that's wanting to be there, not as a mask but a mirror reflecting a genuine need. It only sounds contradictory; it seems unpleasant, almost insane, to think this can be good.

When one gets their eyes examined, the optometrist tries several lenses 'til there's a match. That's what this dream business can seem like; taking off the judgement lens allows the other view to come into focus. Some straining might occur, but when you relax the view is clearer, WHEN it makes it into what is seen. You might need several takes before that clear one appears.

I had some pretty bad dreams once, then one night a counter one snuck in, involving my own cult-like demons. They were madly pursuing me down a river, when I ran a rapids, as I had vast skill at canoeing they couldn't match. They ended up smashed, and I found a friend (another version of myself) waiting by a campfire.

Silly dream or did it say something? Dunno; only grateful that it popped in there. My only point in all of this ramble is to remind you it's okay, sure; but most important, you're more than okay, like ten times over okay. In my math, that equals courage and perseverance. So take 'em, they're yours, you know. 

[Kizzie]

So even "weird dreams" as you call them can be a functional part of recovery. If they bring anger, that's wanting to be there, not as a mask but a mirror reflecting a genuine need. It only sounds contradictory; it seems unpleasant, almost insane, to think this can be good.

I agree with Woodsgnome Arpy.  I think the way out of the muck and mire is through processing and integrating the pain and trauma rather than stuffing it, dissociating and all the other things we do or did to keep ourselves safe. Dreaming is you opening that door to the past more fully because you're ready, and it's bound to feel quite overwhelming, at least initially.   

FWIW as I moved into full recovery mode I had really intense dreams in which I was always alone, afraid, hopeless, angry ...all that you'd expect after so much trauma.  Over time this has shifted into dreams in which I have lots of people around me and I am doing more normal things, occasionally I even have a good dream now. 

So here's to plowing through the truly tough stuff and emerging out the other side, it is hard but so very worth it imo

[arpy1]

thank you guys.  it's taken me all afternoon to try and get it together to reply.  but it means such a lot that you posted even if i have spent my whole day at a big self-pity-party.  it just gets too much sometimes.

i guess it's true that these constant dreams are revealing a lot more anger and hatred than i have been aware of till now.  it is only recently that i have felt 'allowed' to be angry and even to hate the perpetrators - it never occurred to me that it was ok till now, becos i was taught that forgiveness is the only allowed response to any hurt. - me, hatred?   it's all new territory and it is quite exhausting, and altho i probably have to go through it to get out of it, it still feels like such an impotent rage. the worst perp is dead and gone anyway. 

i think the hardest thing is the constant renewal of shock that hits me with every memory. it's a bit like feeling the trauma of each experience afresh as it invades my memory.  becos it's the random memories that the dreams spark that are so painful, now that i am seeing my past in a more realistic and honest light, seeing just how awful they really were. 

i even have a suspicion that the illness i am feeling in my body is a direct result of all this.  it feels so similar to how i was when the baby died. so similar. if i had a cold or something, it would have come out by now.

ho hum.  so much for recovery journal... didn't do much recovering today, did i? 

and thanks Kizzie, too, just read yours.  i am grateful to know it's not the disaster it feels like!