arpy1's journal

[arpy1]

no. nothing. i fancy probably the GP is not in today or something. or maybe busy. not sure when his surgeries are. thank you for asking though 

realised after my little performance last night that i was in a very intense flashback. and i can't believe i didn't spot it. hope i didn't make you miserable.

not well today in my mind.  just close to tears a lot.  taking it easy, trying a bit of self soothing. seems to be the thing.

[Dutch Uncle]

hope i didn't make you miserable.

Not in the least, arpy1.

Take care. 

[arpy1]

i feel like i am in a bit of a weird state at the moment.  i think it is to do with the fact that i haven't heard from dad about the money, and the fact that i am anxious all the time about the health assessment thing.  the future is so unclear.  even the immediate future. GP often says i am always better when i have a 'plan'. at the moment i don't have one, and making one is dependent on other people. that makes me feel very afraid, and very powerless - like i am at the mercy of powers over which i have no control. and i really don't want to be like that anymore. i have never had power over myself. and i want it.

i have worked so hard, or at least i thought i had, to find ways to get  better.  i am constantly feeling stymied by the fact that i have so few resources.  i haven't got money for therapy yet i know that i need long term one on one therapy to have the kind of help i need to make real progress. i simply can't do this by myself. not at the moment. maybe i will get stronger in time, as i learn skills. but i feel like i am trying hard to build a house with no bricks, no plans, and no tools.  i am not getting anywhere, or that's how it seems. 

since i stopped any therapy at all (i don't regret stopping, the T was not terribly professional in important ways but at least she was regular and interested and it was someone to talk to. and it wasn't all bad. it did help a bit) but since i stopped, and since i went back on these meds to stop the side effects of the last ones... well, it seems i have gone backwards. 

i realise that the other meds, despite the side effects, did actually lift the depression somewhat. now i am back to square one in that respect.  and i feel like i have gone backwards in terms of the strategies i was using to help the flashbacks, becos my mood is so low that i can barely get out of bed in the mornings. in fact if it wasn't for taking my son to work i just wouldn't.  i feel as if i have gone back largely to how i was a year ago when i first went off sick.

and, like i say, i have no plan. i feel directionless, alone, scared.  and there is a creeping sense that it is pointless anyway becos i am not going to be able to fix myself, so why bother?  i am afraid of getting worse.  i suspect i am. there is a barely suppressed feeling of panic inside that makes me feel physically sick.  i am blanking everything out with solitaire, puzzles, anything i can manage to concentrate on long enough to stop my mind from thinking, or my feelings from becoming unmanageable.  i know this is not a good thing to do. but i can't find the strength to do anything else, somehow. 

[tired]

Maybe you need a routine or some structure.  If I can make a schedule for myself it helps.   

[arpy1]

today i am a little bit proud of myself.  becos after a really tough weekend i woke up knowing i had to contact the benefit people about the health assessment that i won't be going to on thursday.  i was too frightened to try and call them - you always have to wait for about 20 minutes minimum to get put through to a real person and when you do it's a case of going through everything again with a total stranger till they understand what you're going on about..      so i had the bright idea of writing to them and including a copy of the GP letter explaining why i am too poorly to attend. and i sent it so they have to sign for it their end, so that i have Post Office proof that it gets there and they can't turn round and say i never contacted them. (that has happened to me in the past). 

anyway, despite the fact that i was really worried about it, and writing the thing sent me off into a mega EF that meant i retreated to bed for an hour afterwards - i managed to do it.   so that was an achievement. yay me.

when i went to post the letter i also managed to do a quick shop as well.  pretty flashback-ish by the time i finished but i made it home and vegged out,  rewarding myself with chocolate.

feel a lot calmer for having done that. and i just realised this afternoon has been the first time  for ages that i haven't had to fight off thoughts of doing the thing we don't mention.  so that is another plus.

just got to face the telephone call to dad now.  think that won't happen for a couple of days maybe. one thing at a time.

[tired]

i sort of panic about calling people.  i had to sort out health insurance and i got two things in the mail and i was afraid to open them.  i did and it was good news and seriously i felt better all day.

[arpy1]

well done! do u get that thing where u r afraid to open the mail when it comes through the door?

[Dutch Uncle]

today i am a little bit proud of myself. 

Yay you indeed! 



And there are times the mere sound of a letter dropping on my doormat sends me into a spin... 

[tired]

Yes what is that about? Maybe from so many times that I've paid bills late.  I've messed up my life in so many ways.  I forget things. 
Yesterday I had three unpaid bills and I opened them but now I'm afraid to pay them. Like I'm frozen. So I put a note on the stack that said "these are bills. You must face them"

[Dutch Uncle]

Maybe from so many times that I've paid bills late.

Though there have been times (like now) where I have to scrape to make ends meet, so I'm sort of forced to pay them at the last moment, or even let them wait until the 2nd warning drops in...

Then I've had other nasty mail, but mostly it's bills that trigger me.

[arpy1]

with me, i panic at any communication from anyone really.  like i have an invite to one of my old 'minded children's' 21st party - i can't possibly go, (me -parties - ) but i am panicking about how to say no, how much to tell her, whether she will be hurt....    sigh.

i try and do bills straight away, and set up standing orders/direct debits where poss so i don't ever see that money - it happens automatically and then i know where i am.  i can budget with what's left - let's face it, my financial situation is far from complex!  i worry that i will run out of money but at least it will only be food that get's missed once the bills are out of the way.  i know how to feed myself on a shoestring.

i had a friend once who was terribly phobic and it helped her if i went round and sat at her dining room table with her and her piles of paperwork - we'd drink coffee and she'd tackle them one at a time till she'd done. just having someone else to say well done each time she did one seemed to make it do-able.

one at a time helps too; one a day till they're paid? 

how did the simple acts of living get so terrifying 

[arpy1]

talking of terrifying, i rang my dad today.  it took all my courage, and - no answer, so i was right, he must be in respite. unless something else has happened and my brother hasn't bothered to let me know.  i hope he (B) would stick to my request only to contact me in an emergency and that if dad was sick or something he would have called. but hey, no guarantee, he can be as stubborn as our dad - and a lot nastier.

but at least i did try and ring dad.  i'm no further forward though, as far as therapy is concerned.  i still feel afraid i am losing ground.  i wish i felt stronger and more able to sort myself out. i wish i could do it on my own. but that sort of defeats the object of getting better. if i go down that road i will end up a total curmudgeonly recluse like dad.

it's a strange paradox for a 'recovering' co-dependent; on the one hand i know i need help from someone trustworthy.  on the other hand i know that the only person who can meet my needs is me. 

i know that people simply aren't able to be everything to another person. god knows i tried to be everything to my husband for twenty years and i recognise now that it was in the hope that i could somehow heal him enough for him to meet my needs.  that so did not work. i ended up getting sucked dry and turning him into my 'son', not my partner.
destroyed myself, did him no favours either.

so what is the answer, when i manifestly can't cure myself?  if it was a physical illness, treatment would be available. since it is a mental illness, treatment is not.  does this mean that unless i can cure myself or magically find a few grand to pay for private treatment i stay sick? well, frankly, yes.  that makes me feel so frustrated, angry, scared, hopeless, helpless.  but hey, life is unfair. hard to stomach, but universally true.  at the moment i feel like a moth wriggling on a mounting pin.

[Oakridge]

Arpy1 -- it's funny, I don't see the person you seem to see. As I read your entry, what came through to me is a person that has had great difficulty in the past, but has beenstrong enough to remove herself from a 'toxic' path. I also see a person that in spite of the challenges in the past has endured and persisted, and who is brave enough to face the issues that have been taken her in directions that no longer fit who she believes herself to be down deep inside. It is difficult to let go of one's 'story', as it often has become our identity. Yet, the story is always about the past and not about the present moment. So the challenge becomes being in the moment more than living in the past. You have endured. You have taken brave steps to move away from a destructive past. And you are amazingly self-reflective, seeing the parts of you that no longer fit. So, i see someone on the cusp of change to a new path and I appreciate your reflective entries on this journey, as it helps me appreciate my strengths more.

[arpy1]

thank you oakridge. i have to say, i can't see what you see, but i did appreciate what you said.  it freaked me out for a few days, so i thought about it a lot to try and work out why.  i think that the idea of endurance and persisting is one that has connotations, really.  i guess i have always endured and endured becos i had to and/or felt that i had to, first in the JP and then in my marriage.  i ran on empty for so many years - not just empty, i was in deficit. it created a lot of fear in me, having to keep going when i knew that i couldn't.  it's one of my biggest fears, i think.   

it's only in the last five years really that i have been in a position to say 'no' and to remove myself, as you say, from all the toxic situations i was trapped in.  but the fear persists, deeply - even writing this it triggers me.  i think that's what freaked me out.  not to say it isn't true, it just is flashback territory for me. 

i did like what you wrote about the present moment and i have been trying to catch myself when i feel really bad, and say 'what is in this moment, the present moment?' and that makes me realise there is nothing frightening mostly, happening to me at that precise minute.  it helps with the fear a bit. 

i wish i could feel i am on the cusp of change.  at the moment i feel like i am going backwards.  i know it's always going to be two steps forwards and one back but it is very hard to keep hope when you're in the going back bit!

anyway, thank you again, it was a kind and thoughtful post and i appreciated it. 

[arpy1]

i have been very numbed out recently, since i changed meds, really. i think the new ones don't control my mood fully and i have been getting more and more depressed and thinking a lot about wishing i weren't here. i will never do anything to harm myself, no matter how tempted, becos i have the kids. i made that decision years ago and it is non-negotiable for me and it is forever.  but the depression gets very bad at times and life feels unbearable. i feel bad about deliberately zoning out becos i know it's not the best way to deal with stuff but i can't get my head round doing anything else.

my GP is very helpful and really wants to , as he puts it 'do something on my behalf' becos i think he can see that i have been really struggling lately, god bless him. he asked me if i would  be willing to try adding in a second antidepressant on a low dose, one with a sedative effect, anti-anxiety, in order to help me sleep. i was so desperate i said i would. and i have had two unbroken nights' sleep thank god!. 

he also asked if i would be willing for him to refer me to the nhs mental health team (since i haven't heard from my dad about whether he's willing to fund some more private therapy for me). i reluctantly agreed, and he is fully aware of the fiasco of the nhs therapist i had last winter and the problems with the private one i had after that. he told me exactly what he will put in the letter, and will explain in detail about that (naming the nhs one,  ) as well as putting in 'his' concern that i am suffering from complex ptsd (i.e. if he says it is his opinion rather than mine, they are more likely to listen) and can they refer me to someone with relevant experience for one to one therapy rather than group therapy which he doesn't think would be at all helpful at this time.  what a star. i mean, they may not come up with anything helpful, but at least he is trying his best to get me what i need from them - if it is available.  knowing that he has my back reassures me that i am not totally without help.

anyway, altho i don't particularly feel much different on this additional med (bit soon, yet) except more brain-dead, just the fact that the GP is doing something and there may be a way forward that i will be able to handle has made things a bit easier. he always tells me i am better if i have a plan. i just hope this one doesn't go pear-shaped.