Dating

Started by Laynelove, September 05, 2015, 12:01:54 PM

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Laynelove

I love your post.

Great to see some positivity and great to see that you have made huge progress in your recovery.

It's funny, I started this thread and it's amazing what I write on here when I'm really struggling. This thread was a totally hopeless and desperate moment, I have these pretty regularly and it completely clouds my whole judgement of my future and my ability to get better.

I'm currently doing schema therapy and it's so so hard but it's probably the best thing I have ever done. It's all linked to how your current problems relate back to childhood. I think we are gonna start going over some re parenting stuff too so I can't wait for that. Before I started schema I was totally against ever having a family of my own in case my problems mess up my kids lives. With schema, as well as learning where my problems come from, I feel like I'm also learning parenting skills. I don't know what the future holds, but I have no longer completely ruled out the idea of a family. If I ever happen to fall pregnant I have the confidence that I can be a good enough mum to raise mentally healthy kids or be supportive, accepting and loving enough to support them if they do develop issues.

Letting someone in and having a successful intimate relationship is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, but once I do that I think it will be a sign that my recovery is complete.

Early stages though, maybe in a few years. One thing at a time...no relationships for me just yet!

tiggerd2

There is no way I can honestly look at someone and tell them what happened to me. There is a difference between someone with whom I become friends. The information is still too much. To say it to someone I'm attracted to,
why in the world want to be with someone so damaged.

tired

Yeah I wouldn't want to date me.

tiggerd2

You have that right.

tired

I wouldn't want to date anyone who wants to date a person like me.  If I said here are my issues, do you still want to go out? Any sane person worth my time and respect would have to say "this is not a good time for you and  I think you should focus on yourself right now.  Maybe our paths will cross again someday when the time is right."

coda

I don't think dating is ever easy, even for people who seem to have everything going for them. It's all a dance and a process -- 2 different personalities with their own histories and expectations hopefully finding common ground, maybe more. By nature, it's full of challenges. That's why the self-help section of any bookstore is bulging with advice, tips, tricks and manuals trying to make it easier. It's just not. It can be fun, occasionally wonderful and sometimes humiliating, but it's never simple.

But you (when you're ready to try) already have a huge advantage. So many people--most I think-- lack true self-awareness. When you begin to know yourself, you're better able to see what's really important in any relationship. You understand your own needs and are better equipped to detect and decipher what's going on. This isn't about "sharing" too much. It's about your relationship with yourself, which it where all health begins. I say this as someone who dated blindly for many years, never understanding where all my confusion and pain was coming from, hiding my fears and insecurities as if my life depended on it, because that's exactly how I was raised and that's exactly  how it felt. Pretending is no way to live, let alone date. This condition makes us no less lovable, and I think it even makes us much more loving.

BigGreenSee123

After years (and years and years :doh:) of therapy I am finally trying to tackle dating. I definitely find it to be a daunting task, though. It's one of those things on the top of my internal "do not do - ever!" list. I have a hard time with trust. I am incredibly anxious around people. Going somewhere new with someone you don't really know to just sit there and be alone with them - to me this sounds like torture. Who would want to do that?

But over the years I've learned that I was wrong when I thought I didn't want to connect with other people. Really, it was just fear. It's not that I don't want to have other people in my life, it is that I am terribly afraid of other people. I am afraid of how they can hurt me. And it's so uncomfortable to put myself in situations that make me anxious. But I don't want to spend the next half of my life dictated by the same fear that's been my task-master for the last half. And, unfortunately, the only way to get over anxiety is to face these fears. Plus, I think about the fact that I regularly face feelings of hopelessness and fear...and I always make my way to the other side eventually. Dating and relationships might make me feel bad too, but how much worse can it be than what I already face on a near daily basis? I don't handle things like others do, but I wonder if I also face emotional challenges others don't - maybe, just maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So I am motivated, at least for now, to try and do this thing that scares me. After all, walking into a grocery store used to scare me. Then I got over that and it was having conversations with other people that scared me. And that, too, has improved quite a bit. I'm hoping dating with be one more thing that I look back on in a few years, wondering how it ever got me so afraid.

That said, I wanted to read this topic because I am about 2 hours away from actually going on a date. Despite being motivated to try and make this work, I don't feel particularly strong or motivated. I feel more like  :sadno: :aaauuugh: :sharkbait: :blowup: