Information about Emotional Abuse

[Kizzie]

Please check back from time to time as resources will be added on an ongoing basis.

Books

• Top 35 Most Impactful Books to Overcome Emotional Abuse: As recommended by emotional abuse survivors and thrivers from Real Life Resilience
• Emotional Abuse Books from Good Reads
• Psychological Abuse Books from Alibris
  

Articles

• Childhood Bullying is a Form of Narcissistic Abuse
• Complex PTSD: The Long Lasting Effects of Bullying and Psychological Abuse and My Courage to Tell: Facing a Childhood Bully and Reclaiming My Inner Child by Laura Corbeth
• You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart - http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html.
• Unseen Wounds: The Contribution of Psychological Maltreatment to Child and Adolescent Mental Health and Risk Outcomes - http://www.traumacenter.org/products/pdf_files/Unseen_Wounds_S0004.pdf
• Childhood Psychological Abuse as Harmful as Sexual or Physical Abuse - http://www.traumacenter.org/products/Childhood_Psychological_Abuse_APA_B0002.htm
• For Kids, Psychological Abuse May Leave the Deepest Scars - http://www.traumacenter.org/products/Kids_psychological_abuse_Reuters_N0001.htm
• Scars of Psychological Abuse Run Deep - http://www.traumacenter.org/products/Kids_psychological_abuse_Reuters_N0001.htm.
• Childhood Trauma Can Cause Trauma for Life - http://www.traumacenter.org/products/Childhood_trauma_life_T0001.htm
• Psychological Maltreatment Harmful - http://www.nepsy.com/articles/leading-stories/psychological-maltreatment-harmful/

Web Sites/Blogs

• Guide to Understanding Bullying
• Complex PTSD: The Long Lasting Effects of Bullying & Psychological Abuse by Laura Corbeth,
  January 30, 2019.  Note - Scroll down past the index to get to this article.

[Candid]

Thanks for posting these, Kizzie. Surely the day can't be too far off when mainstream acknowledges the dire effects of psychological wounding?

I dream of those of us with covert abusers 'coming out' in the equivalent of gay pride marches. We ourselves need to know it wasn't our fault and stand up to be counted before the general public will stop telling us to "get over it".

I read something by Alice Miller about the worst abused children growing up with such strong denial that they're also the worst in the "get over it" brigade. Something to think about...

[Kizzie]

I could not agree more about "coming out" Candid.  I read somewhere that we are virtually the last ones in the closet.  Stigma and lack of knowledge in the medical and mental health profession are part of the reason imo.  Last year I had a knee replacement and when I had my presurgery checkup with the anesthetist and told him about my CPTSD, he asked if that was not something that could be left in the past. Really??     And how many times do we read here that a member has been misdiagnosed (and worse treated) for something else - PTSD, DID, BPD?   Hopefully OOTS is helping raise awareness - if we can do more though I'm certainly game.

I read something by Alice Miller about the worst abused children growing up with such strong denial that they're also the worst in the "get over it" brigade.

Interestingly (and sadly), Alice Miller's son has claimed that she was in denial about her own trauma.  See here: 

http://www.contemporarypsychotherapy.org/volume-7-no-1-summer-2015/interview-martin-miller/

http://screamsfromchildhood.com/martin_miller.html

[clarity]

I saw the article about Alice Millers son...what a shock as her books were so helpful for me several yrs ago. Not good timing as finding his interview coincided with my own NM meltdown into recognition. So sad...the human condition..

[Kizzie]

I can only imagine how that must have felt to read the article at that point in your life  Clarity     It was utterly disturbing to learn that this icon could not face her own trauma, and was abusive to her children. 

I see Martin as a source of inspiration because of his courage in speaking out in the face of his mother's fame.  How that must have felt (and may still feel I don't know).  I really relate as my M is a covert NPD, beloved by many and so to speak up never went well for me.  His face pops up in my mind's eye often and reminds me that it is ok, even necessary to keep speaking up. 

As for his mother, I've come to think of her with sadness. She certainly understood abuse/trauma intellectually but it appears not emotionally/personally.  Such a big loss for her and her children. She did a lot to shine a light on what must have been a taboo subject then (and still is to some extent) though,  and I'm grateful for her contribution in that regard. 

[Lingurine]

WoW Kizzie, those interviews are very revealing. Shocking to read that Alice Miller was an abuser herself. What I remember from her book 'The drama of the gifted child', is that she said that children feel the emotions of narcissistic parents, but are unable to throw that inheritance fully away. In other words, born out of narcissists, you develop as one yourself.

I strongly disagree with that. I think that children who pick up the emotions from their parents are just gifted, sensitive, strong to do so and used for that reason. In my case, I was not allowed to show emotions, ridiculed or laughed at or worse. I had to be there for them and that in itself is so unfair. To aspect this from your child, because you never grew up yourself.

This gets to me and Yay for her son standing up for himself.

Lingurine

[Kizzie]

I wish he spoke English, I'd love to be able to have him here at OOTS as a guest.  He writes so clearly about why he wrote the book:

My book reflects a need to leave the underground, to come out of the shadow where I have always lived and show who I am. And so it makes sense that I want to ask quite clearly, not just to the readers but also for myself, "Who is Alice Miller really?" and also, according to Alice Miller, I am entitled to show my perspective. That is one of the most important reasons – I wanted to put something right.

The second reason I wrote the book is to create justice through giving myself permission to say what has been done to me. That means that, although to the outside world it looks as if we had been a great family, I wished to stop the lie, to dismantle the false image.

He does have a third reason although I can't say I agree with it:

This is also a message to the public currently as we are being confronted in Europe with many traumatised refugees. We need to be aware what we are getting ourselves into because these people need more than just support and integration. We have to be psychologically aware and answer the question of how to deal with possible forms of violence even when we want to give people refuge.

He is European and I am Canadian so this may be a culturally related difference. I do think refugees are very likely to arrive in whatever country with Complex PTSD, but I don't see that they are/will be more violent .  It's not a major symptom or characteristic at least.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for posting these, Kizzie. Surely the day can't be too far off when mainstream acknowledges the dire effects of psychological wounding?

I dream of those of us with covert abusers 'coming out' in the equivalent of gay pride marches. We ourselves need to know it wasn't our fault and stand up to be counted before the general public will stop telling us to "get over it".

Oh yes, Candid, brilliant idea. Let's start 'coming out'. Maybe there'll be a spillover sometime from The Porch? Where suddenly everything starts flowing. But maybe we need to get in our Inner Safe Places first. We don't want to be re-hurt if society turns out not to be far enough along to accept our 'coming out'.

Yeah, I read a bit of an interview with Alice Miller's son some time ago.

[Lingurine]

He speaks German (I have school German, so reading the book might be possible for me, I look into that Kizzie as it's not translated in English). He is obviously a victim from WWII. Second generation. It's very complex, he being a Jew and his father an abusive Nazi, his mother a bystander who did nothing to protect him. A CPTSD sufferer is born IMO. This war has such an enormous aftermath.

I think the violent part is more a result of schizophrenia some refugees suffer from, than CPTSD.

Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Lingurine, I mean he might speak English in addition to German.

Yeah, WWII and The Third Reich had an enormous aftermath, IMO. German society is still processing it.

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, I don't think that's the case, all the Germans I've met speak hardly any English. They don't teach it at school and it's a cultural thing to just speak German, hard for them to learn, but my guess would be lazyness. Another reason could be that they synchronize English tv.
Angela Merkel speaks English, but mostly German.

Lingurine

[Candid]

With regard to Our Alice, I read something either by or about her son some time ago, and had the same reaction as others here: disappointment. But let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Regardless of Alice's hypocrisy, her work remains an inspiration to many of us, was arguably the beginning of child abuse being acknowledged, and most of it 'rings true' to me in terms of abuse's effects on human development. I can remember there were times when I thought she'd stretched a point too far, but her books and website were a big part of my journey towards understanding myself and CPTSD.

I'm far more exercised by the theme of 'coming out' that's been raised in this thread and generally embraced. I'd like to write a dispassionate paper for a psychology journal specifically about my mother's covert scapegoating and it's long-term effects on me, and publish under my real name. Hmm, that could be a project right now.

But look at what we do here. We use false names, most of us. Many members have expressed a fear of being recognised here. It's as though we're ashamed of our histories, although the real terror is about abuse starting up again. I myself plummeted when it became clear my sister had somehow found me here and was taking action based on my posts.

In my teens I kept a daily detailed journal. Unknown to me my mother was salivating over daily entries while I was at school. It's a big regret to me that when I found out, I destroyed it. I was oblivious to the abuse at that time but I bet it was in there as clear as day and would have been immediately visible in all its gory glory to any unbiased reader.

In 1996 I published a book about rape in which I made clear that my mother's response was cruel and acutely damaging, delaying my entry into therapy by seven years. Even though I knew our relationship had been very harmful all along, there wasn't a trace of that in the book. That wouldn't have been appropriate. The point is, I wrote it under a pseudonym. I didn't want any family friends to know.

In 2007 I published a second book, a fictionalised account of my time in a mental hospital. There were plenty of clues in there about my sisters and my upbringing, but once again I published in a false name. It wasn't until 2012 that I realised I'd been the family scapegoat, and in the same year I was diagnosed with CPTSD. Up until then I still believed, despite what therapists had pointed out, that I was somehow to blame for my mother hating me. The effects of that were crippling.

So yeah, I really want to come out. There's no one of Her generation to be shocked by it, and my siblings know much of what I have to say anyway. I still fantasise about doing a Frank McCourt and putting my life story out there for all to see. I believe he was well into his 60s before he had time to reflect and write. And, incidentally, Our Alice criticised him for making it funny.

Well, in the first place McCourt was Irish. Nuff said. Also, I'm aware that a book of unmitigated misery wouldn't sell, and McCourt was a Creative Writing teacher so he would have known that too. As it was, he was able to turn his childhood pain into his goldmine: a best seller, a movie, and above all, wonderful catharsis.

[Kizzie]

I've actually been thinking of trying some outreach to associations/organizations that  that are involved with psychological trauma (e.g., the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies which is ground zero for all things trauma and has a special interest group for Complex PTSD).  One thing I plan to do is contact them to see if their Journal of Traumatic Stress accepts articles about CPTSD that are not from medical/mental health professionals.

I think it would interesting to see if: a) there is any desire on the part of these orgs to involve those with CPTSD as active contributors (versus passive patients/clients).  Even if they are not interested in having us participate in an active way, it would be a big step in raising awareness if they were to agree to post a link to OOTS.

[Candid]

I've actually been thinking of trying some outreach to associations/organizations that  that are involved with psychological trauma

I wish you would do that, Kizzie. I've seen people referred here by therapists, so we have good standing (and rightly so!) and some outreach could only be a great thing.

One thing I plan to do is contact them to see if their Journal of Traumatic Stress accepts articles about CPTSD that are not from medical/mental health professionals.

If the answer is no, they might consider getting a staff writer to interview one of us by email. I'd be happy to have a headshot pic and my real name on something like that now, and damn the consequences.

it would be a big step in raising awareness if they were to agree to post a link to OOTS.

Yep. It should be at the end of every article about trauma, the brain's development and probably a ton of others. Go for it, Kizzie! Someone needs to beat the drum for daughters of covert abusers.

[Kizzie]

I have a ton of things I want to do at OOTS, but thus far work keeps getting in the way    Only so much time in the day. 

I am in a slower period right now though and I haven't had much luck with getting our IT needs at OOTS taken care of so maybe it's time to switch to a different project.