Information about Abuse & Personality Disorders/Mental Illness of Perpetrator

[Kizzie]

Added April 4, 2023 - This thread tends to focus on Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it is the one most of us (survivors) deal with in terms of perpetrators abusive behaviour.  Narcissistic abuse is becoming much better understood and awareness is more widely spread these days, but there was a time when it was not viewed as a form of abuse. As many of us know it is a very damaging form of abuse, typically emotional,  that must be taken seriously by professionals, the public and survivors themselves.  Too often we hear survivors of this type of abuse saying things like"But I wasn't beaten or sexually abused."  We then gently point out that if they have the 6 symptoms of Complex PTSD/Complex Relational Trauma Response then they have indeed been abused.

Books

• List of books about PDs at Out of the Fog - http://www.outofthefog.net/Books.html

Articles  (There are tons of online articles available - just Google "Narcissism" and settle in with a cup of coffee)

• Arabi, S. (2018) How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths (A Guide for Therapists, Law Enforcement and Loved Ones)
• Saeed, K. Why Narcissistic Abuse is so Damaging.  Available: https://kimsaeed.com/2017/08/11/narcissistic-abuse-damaging/
• Seltzer,  L. (2014). The Vampire's Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out

Web Sites/Blogs

• Out of the Fog - http://www.outofthefog.net/.  A web site and forum for those who are dealing with someone with a personality disorder.  An overview of PDs may be found here - http://www.outofthefog.net/PD.html.
• Narcissistic Abuse Rehab You Tube channel
• Parenting Exposed - A blog by B.Flakelar, writer, journalist & survivor of parents with NPD who are fundamentalist Christians (she describes their religious/parenting practices as cultlike).

[Kizzie]

Good videos about NPD behaviour:

Gaslighting - Kati Morton

The Silent Treatment: The narcissist's passive-aggressive power game - Kati Morton

The Passive-Aggressive Covert Narcissist - Interview with author Debbie Mirza

[Kizzie]

Famous author Franz Kafka's father had NPD, who knew? I always related to his book "The Trial" and now I understand why. The book is about Josef K who was arrested, prosecuted and killed  without ever being told the nature of his crime. On the surface it's a book about totalitarian regimes, but in retrospect draws heavily on the' Kafkaesque' trauma inflicted by his father.

This is evident In a letter to his father which paints a clear picture of the trauma inflicted by his  NPD behaviour.  For example, one time when Franz repeatedly asked for water at bedtime, his father angrily scooped him up out of his bed and left him outside on the balcony. The trauma of this act stayed with Kafka:

"Even years afterwards I suffered from the tormenting fancy that the huge man, my father, the ultimate authority, would come almost for no reason at all and take me out of bed in the night and carry me out onto the [balcony], and that meant I was a mere nothing for him."

This is exactly the primal fear instilled in children when they grow up with a parent who has NPD; you are "a mere nothing" and subject to the power of those who have authority over you. In the end of "The Trial" the main character is killed without knowing why and this is the fear of children who have a parent with NPD - death because we are mere nothings. 

Deep, lasting trauma. 

[Kizzie]

Narcissistic Abuse and the Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, By Athena Staik, PhD, Feb 2020

How to Thrive When Quarantined with a Narcissist, by C. Hammond, Apr 2020

6 Toxic Arguing Techniques Used by Narcissists and Manipulators, by D. Cikanavicius, 23 Dec 2019

7 Ways Narcissists Make You Feel Inferior, D. Cikanavicius, 12 Mar 2020

Dealing with a Manipulative Person? Grey Rocking May Help by Crystal Raypole May 24, 2023 -https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock?transit_id=2a2d2056-d91f-4f69-9bd2-8eb9812e285b 

Using the Yellow Rock Method: A Strategy for Handling Narcissists 22 August 2023 by Carla Corelli - https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery/yellow-rock-method/

10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries by Chantelle Pattemore June 3, 2021 - https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries

[Blueberry]

Famous author Franz Kafka's father had NPD, who knew? I always related to his book "The Trial" and now I understand why.

That's interesting! I never did manage to finish reading "The Trial" but I know that when I ended up on a closed ward after a Very Bad Experience with FOO, I felt as if I was playing a role in "The Trial" for 2 weeks, though actually it was less time.

Also if you think about a trial, there are lawyers and defence lawyers and prosecutors arguing and cross-examining and demanding proof, well, that's a bit what dinner table conversations were like when I grew up. NPD allround.

[Kizzie]

Best article I've read thus far about why/how those with NPD behave as they do and more importantly why their supporters behave as they do.  Shed a LOT of light on DJT and other N leaders and their followers, something that has been incomprehensible to me to this point.  I feel like I understand it so much more now. DARVO stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender

How Narcissists Use DARVO to Escape Accountability, Apr 2020

Sometimes it can seem as if narcissists possess such extraordinary manipulation skills they appear to bend reality to their will.  This is made painfully clear when they inflict harm on someone and, astonishingly, escape accountability by flipping the script and blaming the person they've wronged.

Narcissists are expert at erasing the pain they cause from the narrative. They wipe their hands clean by projecting their malice, aggression and treachery on to the target. The more malignant a narcissist is, the less of a conscience they have. This makes them able to blame the survivor with such ease and skill that, once the narcissist has spun their web of deception, the survivor appears to be the aggressor and the narcissist their hapless victim.

In many cases, survivors are left reeling as their abuser blithely revises the fact of their aggression, twisting the truth into a narrative that bears no semblance to what actually transpired. This is because narcissists have mastered a tactical maneuver that effectively grooms individuals and, indeed, entire social groups by controlling their perception of events.

The name of this strategy is DARVO.

[Kizzie]

Another good article I came across today by the same author as the one above - Male Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse.

[Kizzie]

A book recommended to me on Twitter:

Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation by Dan Shaw, 2013.

On the expensive and academic side but he talks about the damage/dangers of NPD ranging from the personal to societal level. 

[Kizzie]

Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents by N. Brown, 2015

As your self-absorbed parent grows older and becomes more dependent on you, hurtful relationships may resurface and become further strained. In the tradition of Children of the Self-Absorbed, author Nina Brown offers the first book for adult children of aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parents. You will learn practical, powerful strategies for navigating the intense negative feelings that your parents can incite, as well as tips to protect your children from the criticism, blame, or hostility that may exist between you and their grandparent.

In this book, you will gain greater awareness of how and why your parent's self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes get worse, and develop strategies to manage the negative feelings that can arise as a result. You'll also learn to reduce the shame and guilt that may be felt when you feel like you don't want to be a caretaker.  Finally, you'll learn to set limits with your parent so you can stay sane during this difficult time.

Having an aging parent can be stressful enough, but dealing with an aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parent is especially challenging. This essential guide will help you through.

[int101]

• Arabi, S. (2018) How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths (A Guide for Therapists, Law Enforcement and Loved Ones)

Thank you very much for this article. I feel constantly angry at society, and this is the reason. 20 therapist who have denied my experience, until i found one who had been abused by a parent.

[Kizzie]

Daniel Shaw just published another book about narcissism titled "Traumatic Narcissism and Recovery: Leaving the Prison of Shame and Fear" 

This book looks at the trauma suffered by those in relationships with narcissists, covering topics such as surviving a cult, dysfunctional families, political dysfunction, and imbalances of power in places of work and education.

This new volume by author and psychoanalyst Daniel Shaw revisits themes from his first book, Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation. Shaw offers further reflections on the character and behavior of the traumatizing narcissist, the impact such persons have on those they abuse and exploit and the specific ways in which they instill shame and fear in those they seek to control. In addition, this volume explores, with detailed clinical material, many of the challenges mental health professionals face in finding effective ways of helping those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. From within a trauma informed, relational psychoanalytic perspective, Shaw explores themes of attachment to internalized perpetrators, self-alienation, internalized aggression, and loss of faith in the value and meaning of being alive.

This book will be especially illuminating and rewarding for mental health professionals engaged in helping patients heal and recover from complex relational trauma, and equally valuable to those individuals who have struggled with the tenacious, often crippling shame and fear that can be the result of relational trauma.


Link - https://www.amazon.ca/Traumatic-Narcissism-Recovery-Leaving-Prison/dp/0367775328/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2ZIURG87CRTSF&keywords=daniel+shaw&qid=1678891876&sprefix=daniel+shaw%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1. 

[Kizzie]

The Difference Between a 'Normal' Parent and a Narcissistic Parent by Vicki Peterson July 2018

I just came across this as I was browsing through "The Mighty" and thought it would be a good addition to this thread. It all rings true to me but this in particular:

A normal parent has their own identity, and respects the separate, unique identity of their child. A narcissistic parent's identity is to be held up above all else. Their child does not have an identity. The child of a narcissist is obligated to live their life in sole service to the parent's identity. Any other action will be considered disloyal and cause for punishment. A narcissistic parent sees their children as extensions of themselves, not as separate and unique.

It's called enmeshment and my life was full of it for decades.  I knew but I didn't know if that makes sense. Once I began to understand why it was I felt I couldn't breathe around my NM,  I knew it was time to put some distance between us and so we moved to the other side of the country. She did still try and pull me in.  Fortunately (for me, not her) she became hard of hearing and we no longer could communicate by phone so email it was and that made it so much easier to untangle myself.  Also it was harder for her to travel as she aged so we didn't see each other as often and that helped also. She found new sources to build her sense of self with in the retirement residence she was in and also through my brother.  Finally, I started to assert my own identity because I felt I had the safe space to do so and I did begin to feel separate.  I do think were I too close at hand to her I would still be struggling to untangle myself.  They're (N's) really quite good at keeping you bound to them in ways you don't realize or can't figure out how to get away from. 

Vicki captures this in another article she authored When the Narcissist Wins.

Oftentimes, others are not even aware they have been pitted against the narcissist until it's too late. By the time someone clues in to the game, the narcissist has already smeared the other person's credibility to others and is making off with whatever esteem, fame, money, or glory they were after. Narcissists declare themselves winners and everyone else losers before their so-called losers even realize they were a pawn.

[NarcKiddo]

I've only just discovered this thread, no doubt due to the recent addition.

It contains some excellent material.  Kafka's letter to his father made me cry. It resonates so much.

Thank you, Kizzie.

[littlebluejay]

What are the  6 symptoms of Complex PTSD/Complex Relational Response, Kizzie? Or where can I find this? Thanks 

[Kizzie]

Here's the short version LBJ - https://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms.  And here's the longer version - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=254.0.