The "Fawn" Response

[Kizzie]

The Fawn Type and the Codependent Defense - by Pete Walker

Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. They often begin life like the precocious children described in Alice Miler's The Drama Of The Gifted Child, who learn that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self: an egoic locus of self-protection, self-care and self-compassion. This dynamic is explored at length in my East Bay Therapist article (Jan/Feb2003): "Codependency, Trauma and The Fawn Response" (see www.pete-walker.com).

TX. Fawn types typically respond well to being psychoeducated in this model. This is especially true when the therapist persists in helping them recognize and renounce the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. Therapy also naturally helps them to shrink their characteristic listening defense as they are guided to widen and deepen their self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents finally progress in their assertiveness and boundary-making work, when they finally got that even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want. Role-playing assertiveness in session and attending to the stultifying inner critic processes it triggers helps the codependent build a healthy ego. This is especially true when the therapist interprets, witnesses and validates how the individual as a child was forced to put to death so much of her individual self. Grieving these losses further potentiates the developing ego.

Full article available at http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

[MaryAnn]

Hi Kizzie,

This is another good article and I am very familiar with Pete Walker's section of his book on this same subject as well as Melody Beattie's books on codependency.  I am still working to overcome my co-dependency.  As a result of my codependency, I am in a freeze state most of the time these days.  I am afraid to make any life change decisions that may or may not get my life and ability to feel happiness headed in the right direction.  I am having trouble breaking old habits and thoughts pattern and changing them to more positive ones to overcome my lack of sense of worth and sense of self.

Quote from Kizzie:

This is especially true when the therapist persists in helping them recognize and renounce the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. Therapy also naturally helps them to shrink their characteristic listening defense as they are guided to widen and deepen their self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents finally progress in their assertiveness and boundary-making work, when they finally got that even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want.

I have made progress learning to advocate for myself and to be assertive and not having much fear or lack of confidence as I am doing it.  However, I really think I am pulling this off by dissociating and not allowing myself to feel anything or to express what I want.  Most of the time, I really do not know what I want.  I have never been allowed to want for anything and I do not have any expectations that anyone is going to give me anything.  My employer of 24 years is prove of that.  The events of the last week in my job have served to remind me of that.  I have to earn everything that I get and then some.  And also have things taken away like I am being punished as a child.  I don't really deserve anything that I get and should be grateful that I receive anything in return at all.  My therapist is starting to work with me to help me recognize and renounce the repetitive compulsion that draws me to narcissistic types and allows them to exploit and take advantage of me.  He is starting to be more assertive in trying to get me to recognize when I am dealing with a narcissist and to stop falling in to the same patterns and allowing them to hurt me to get what they need or want at my expense.

Thank you for the threads you have posted today.  Timing is perfect and the information and support comes at a very critical time.

Take Care!  Lol, MaryAnn 

[Kizzie]

That's great that this new format came at just the right time MaryAnn    It's just so much easier when you don't have to dig for the info and then have responses and other posts on the specific topic to consider.  Having it easily/readily accessible hopefully will help each of us to move forward knowledgeably.

It sounds like you know what your response is and better yet have a plan with your T on how to move forward in recovery - yay!!    and   

[no_more_fear]

MaryAnn,

I was just wondering if the Melodie Beattie book is any good? I'm on the lookout for good books to tackle my codepenency. Thanks.

When I read what you said about being in a freeze state the majority of the time these days because of your codependency issues it was like a light went off in my head! I am struggling with exactly the same thing at the moment. I can't seem to concentrate on a thing. I constantly flit from one task to the next in an effort to distract. I was out on my own yesterday and the lonliness was intense. So awful. Have you found any ways to cope with the freezing because of co-dependancy issues? I mean, on one hand I feel I should have compassion for myself and be with people in order to feel a bit better, but on the other I keep thinking that the only way to get through the codepency problem is to be on my own a lot and try and feel confortable that way. I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself, but I really feel I need to deal with this alone. What do you think?

Thanks and I hope you're doing OK.

[MaryAnn]

Hi no_more_fear,

Thank you for asking and I am doing okay.  Much better than earlier this week. Still struggling to understand what has happened over the last week and why.  I feel used and like have I been run over by a bus.

Melody Beattie's books are excellent.  I have read both Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency.  They are both very helpful.  Melody was codependent herself and she is able to relate in a down to earth way, her books do not talk in technical terms that make it difficult to read and interpret. 

Harriet Lerner is another excellent resource with her series of Dance with..... books.  I have only read the Dance of Intimacy, it is excellent.  There is also one titled Dance of Anger and another called Dance of Connection.

Have you found any ways to cope with the freezing because of co-dependancy issues?

I struggle, like you, with concentration and focus.  I also have a tendency to isolate myself, freeze completely, can't even leave the house.  Week after week, I could not get anything accomplished.  The only way I have found to cope with it is with medication unfortunately.  I have been taking Wellbutrin for 6 weeks now, prescribed by my psychiatrist.  It took awhile, but it has kicked in and my focus and concentration are improving.

I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself, but I really feel I need to deal with this alone. What do you think?

Again, I have been there and thought the same.  I didn't want anyone else to know and insisted on trying to handle it alone.  It didn't work, only made things worse.  Had to reconsider the approach.  You are not being too hard on yourself. 

But, you have to take a chance and reach out to friends or family you are confident that you can trust. I have only recently started to do this myself.  It is amazing the power of true friendship and the support that they can offer. Being with them and all of the support they provided and willingly gave, has had a huge impact on my life over the last week.  I have never reached out to anyone before other than my therapist.   

It has helped me to see more of the positives in life and continued to remind me of what I should be grateful for.  Yes, you should have more compassion for yourself. I am better able to have compassion for myself as I open up to more people that I am trying to trust.  This is not something you want to deal with alone.  It is better and achieves so much more if we work with others that can support and offer empathy to help us with a crisis.

I think that to deal with codependency, we actually need to be around others.  But we need to be among friends that are willing to help us set boundaries and recognize when we move from helping someone to do something for themselves to a place where we are trying to hard to please others and actually just do it all for them.

Hope this helps. I am always here to help or just to listen if that is the case and to support in any way that I can.  I hope all is going well for you as well!

Take Care,
MaryAnn  and

[missbliss]

Do you think have an automatic smile response would constitute the Fawn Response?