Family of origin

[Annegirl]

I always thought my family was like every other family.
I thought my life was normal, all mothers did this stuff, all mothers smiled outside the house and beat you and shouted inside the house.
Why I had to cook and clean and look after my younger siblings? That was simply because I was the oldest daughter and who else would do it if my mother was gone for months on end.
Why did she wake me in the middle of the night and pull the covers off and drag me out of bed to clean up some mess outside? Not sure, something I had to forgive her for. Why did I spend most of my time trying to figure out where to run away to, or hiding in my cupboard as a teenager? Not sure, but really needed to try and disappear for as long as possible so I could try and think and stay away from HER anger, try to keep myself safe from her stabbing me again maybe or threatening to kill me with an axe again.
But I had to stay, my youngest brother needed me and I had to take him with me into the bathroom and lock the door, so he wouldn't see her beating my father and keep him from being there if I was next, which I usually was.
Thought I was unscathed when I left home, just wondered why for about 10 yrs I couldn't open my mouth and speak to people outside of the house.
Wondered why I always had a foreboding feeling and thought about death and suicide all the time, and up until recently after many more things happened in my life with my mother adding more pain to pain I finally made a proper suicide plan, that's when I felt so sad and chilled by what would happen to my husband and 4 gorgeous children that I decided I needed to talk to someone.
Luckily I have found a good Therapist or mentor who is helping me, she is very insightful and I thank G-d he brought her into my life. I currently haven't been back to my family of origin for almost 9 yrs.
I am also grateful for this type of forum as it helps me to make sense of things.

[Kizzie]

Hi AnneGirl and welcome again to OOTS. 

I'm so sorry you got to the point where you were contemplating suicide, but it's completely understandable given that CPTSD is about pain and fear, layers of it that we leave our family of origin with and carry unresolved into adulthood unless and until we get help. It sounds like you have found a great therapist and now you are also here with peers who "get it,"  no explanation needed about why you feel the way you do and what you struggle with.  Children should not have to hide in closets to protect themselves and their sibling or deal with an axe wielding parent, but as we know these things happen behind closed doors for many of us. 

I had some pretty dark thoughts over the years before I knew I had CPTSD, but like you I have a great family and did not want to leave them with that legacy.  And I'm not sure I really wanted to end things, I just wanted the pain to stop.  I felt quite guilty that I had a great H and S and yet felt so depressed and anxious, but when I found out I had CPTSD I knew why that was the case - a good part of my psyche was stuck in the trauma of my childhood. 

I mentioned to BadMemories that what sealed the deal on recovery, part of which was starting this site was reading Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Suriving to Thriving - a Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma."  I saw myself in every page and what a tremendous relief (and challenge) that was.  I finally felt that I knew what I was dealing with, why and how I could move "out of the storm" that was my inner life.   If you haven't read it, there is much of it available in various articles at his site - http://www.pete-walker.com/.  I hope that as the site evolves members will bring resources and strategies they have found useful in dealing with our CPTSD.

Glad you find your way here and hope you'll share more about if/how you're moving "out of the storm"  that is CPTSD     

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much Kizzie. You are an inspiration.