This is unbearable.

[no_more_fear]

Hi everyone,

I wasn't around the forums for a while because I was seeing a therapist who I knew wasn't good for me and at the time didn't realise that I was a co-dependant. Well, maybe it was more the fact that I was still in denial, I don't know. The therapist I saw couldn't give any diagnosis and when I started seeing her I became lazy and transferred all my feelings I had for my NM onto her. I felt more or less normal while I was seeeing her as she encouraged me to do whatever I felt like doing, such as compulsively jumping from one task to the next. That's not the right course at all, surely? I've always assumed we're supposed to fight the impulse to run from our pain, aren't we?  It was a really bad situation anyway that I got myself out of last week. I was in a continual EF while I was seeing her. It was low-grade, but prevented me from accepting the truth of the matter, that I'd completely fawned over her. I thought I could bypass much of my recovery if I had her to watch my back. 

Since discovering how severe a co-dependant I am, I've been reading the literature surrounding C-PTSD again and fully absorbing it this time. I knew before that I was a flight/fawn hybrid, but have properly accepted it now.

My question is, I'm having a very severe flight response in my legs where I feel like I just want to run. I'm also having such a problem posting on here because I categorically don't want to sit with my feelings. I want the support of people on here, but I find it really hard to write more than short posts. I just want to constantly flit from one activity to the next to distract.

I'm wondering, is what I'm experiencing, as in extreme agitation, a co-dependancy withdrawal, or my flight response to EF's? I mean, it could just be the day or the week because when I was young I had to sit in my bedroom most of Saturday and deny my flight response to emotional pain, which was hellish.

Thank you all for reading this incoherent ramble! 

[stillhere]

no_more_fear, as someone self-identified as flight/fawn (at least much of the time), I find your description familiar.

I wonder, too, whether all the jumping around is a result of anxiety, closely related to the impulse to flee.  I wonder, too, whether flight offers a kind of dissociation, where one need not stay attuned in the present and the local but can instead "flee" elsewhere.  In any case, I've come recently to understand my own behavior in this way.

[no_more_fear]

wonder, too, whether flight offers a kind of dissociation, where one need not stay attuned in the present and the local but can instead "flee" elsewhere. 

That's makes a lot of sense when you mention the dissociation. I  guess that means we should sit with it then and not distract at all? At least I think that's the right response?

Thanks.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello I don't have a clear answer for you as I'm just learning myself
But it does sound like stress response -
For me I look to do things to aid relaxation eg exercise stretching meditation swim walk nature art sleep music
And then it aids me to get back to some sort of 'normal '
Be gentle with yourself - easy does it
You sound good in your self awareness
I know for me an area I lack is that self compassion I can beat myself up - feel less than in any situation -
Not saying you do but thought it may be possible

Melody Beattie does some good books on co dependence if u wanted some literature to work with

Final thought - it seems your therapist wasn't coming from the right angle - good that u saw it and got out