Feeling the Loss of a Very Dear Friend

[hypervigilante]

Hello Everyone,

Today I have learned fully and truly to let go of a withering, unhelpful relationship.  I'm rationally classifying this as a "win," but the hurt of a deep loss of someone important to my formative years lingers on.  I'm trying to be patient with that mourning process.

***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING***

I lost a sibling four years ago, and it shook up my whole family (dysfunctional family at that) dynamic off it's hinges, and me many steps toward recovering from something I didn't realize how deeply I struggled with. (CPTSD)

Slowly but surely, as each and every one of my relationships before the date of my brother's untimely passing, I have noticed the unhealthy nature of these existing one-way relationships.  I was only comfortable giving and never taking, so I did not make very good friends, in retrospect.  Today, I let go of the very last one.

One by one, I recognized in all of my past relationships that I was not being treated as equally as I felt my worth deserved.  This is a sad and somewhat lonely process, and lots of my identity comes into question... But at the same time, it's a testament to gaining self-worth little by little. I just wasn't willing to let go of the final person, because I felt like I was letting a former me die.

I struggle with finding this a good thing all the time amidst the deep sense of loss I experience.  I worried that I was responding in a way I'd regret to everyone I ever knew.  I just changed so much.  I will never be the same again, and that makes me sad.  But I also feel a lot of shame. Realizing that this person was who I'd call my biggest, most influential friend... my dearest friend... the one above all friends who treated me the best I'd ever had in my formative years... it really eats up at my self-esteem to finally recognize that not even she is not a kind enough friend for me.  It's a mix of loss and of self-disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation- these are all just the words at the tip of my tongue.  I vacillate between degrees of worthiness, worthlessness, sadness, pride, calm, rejection, hurt, anger, defiance, and ever so deeply so quietly and fleeting I'll find a degree of peace somewhere in it.  But the tears come charging in quickly as these emotions go.

I was going to post this in my journal, but I wondered if more people might see similarities in this... losing friends on the road to self-discovery.


Thanks, friends,
-HV

[Dutch Uncle]

My condolences for your loss, hypervigilante 

And yes, I can relate.



PS: Well written and eloquent post. Thanks for sharing.

[hypervigilante]

Thank you for reaching out, Dutch Uncle! Such a speedy response as well makes me feel warm and connected.

Hope your days are well,
-HV

[arpy1]

Much support to you Hypervigilante! i did much the same thing with my last two friends for much the same reasons a couple months ago. 

it is very hard to do and i still feel guilty a lot of the time. but like you i had accept that they were essentially non-healthy for me. i don't know about you but i feel a bit weird about the vacuum it has left in my life.  but a vacuum is healthier for me at present than the incipient toxicity of those relationships. any ideas how to progress into healthy relationships?? (not till i feel stronger, though)

[Kizzie]

It is a big loss hypervigilante, no getting around it.  I can relate to all of what you wrote as well, the mixed emotions and that instant when you realize you will never be the same again.  Much support to you as well as you mourn   

[woodsgnome]

Hypervigilante,

Once I left my foo with no regrets, I resigned myself to the possibility of having no one I could ever get close to in my life...it was just too much for me, so many people had let me down, and worse.

Later I found a life that fit me better, but never developed any real friends. Some tried, but I couldn't take it in, my self-worth never felt comfortable. Couldn't trust others, or even myself.

Finally, 4 people who'd worked with me in an artistic venture didn't give up on wanting me as their friend. They stuck with me, and eventually I realized I needed them as much as they wanted me a part of their lives.

I never thought I could have friends like them in the first place; didn't think I deserved it, but they became a key element of that long "self-discovery road" you spoke of. And then, all 4 died within months of each other. I was bereft at this, left friendless once more, and it rattled every ounce of self-worth they'd worked so hard to help me find.

So I share the pain of that loss, when the path that was at least tolerable becomes much less so, and one wonders if it's ever going to be worth it.

Thank you for sharing, hard as it was.

Take good care, hypervigilante...    

[stillhere]

Woodsgnome, your story of lost friendship is heart breaking.  I'm so sorry!  For those of who need a "family of choice" to compensate for what our origins didn't provide, some people aren't "just" friends. 

And letting them into your life is a risk.  Small wonder you're now in the woods.