David's Recovery Journey ( possible trigger )

[david r]

hello everyone
well starting out with the first trauma as I recall it after many years floundering within society.

  I was approximately 3 years old. I was meant to be having asleep in the afternoon with my older brother. i stood up on the bed after being told by my mother to lay down and go to sleep. it didn't register with me that their was agitation in her voice and the sensation of defying gravity even just for a moment was just way to tempting to ignore. as i stood up this mischevious grin enveloped across my face and i was awash with what i recall was a blishful joy. i can recall it vividly as it began to flood through me. i looked at my older brother and proceeded to begin to jump up and down on the bed. he did likewise. the next thing i recall is hearing " right " the next thing i saw was the door burst open and this person with spittle coming out of her mouth burst through the door. she went straight towards my older brother and latched hold of him and wailed into him striking perhaps two or three times. i went into shock and stood their agaped at the ferousity of her thrashing. my turn was next and i was picked up by one arm and struck at least twice. i recall laying on my bed and turning into the wall and hating the pain of the thrashing away. i think i blacked out as i was that full of pain.
   i was on holiday overseas getting a deep tissue massage and when the masseus went over this particular area i flinched as if it was only a recent injury and still bruised. when i allaye this to someone else they informed me that it was muscle recall and another thing i had written about that incident from a childs perspective and had referred to my mother as this big red dragon, that was liberating but i blamed myself for years for having gotten my brother into trouble. over a period of time this memory began to enlarge asked myself some probong questions as to who really it was it was that originally may have instigated that game. i suspect it was him originally and i just became enthralled in the euphoria of it.
   there is a load more of these abuses that i will post over the next few weeks ( not to sound like a champion ) and i hoping to connect in some way with others as i know it only has to happen once or twicw to become afflicted.
   just going to place possible trigger in brackets in my heading as I'm slowly becoming familiar with how this site functions, any tips and guidance will be appreciated.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi  and welcome (again) , david r .

What a terrible childhood memory. Must be one of the first memories you have. 
Both your brother, nor you were responsible for any of it. Kids jumping in their cods... That does not deserve a beating in any circumstance.
Amazing story with the deep tissue massage! It's both wonderful and frightening how these events are still stored in the body. And how wonderful it is that body-work can bring healing, even though memories of the trauma are first resuscitated.
I did bodywork too, before I started coming out of the FOG. I'm sure it's been a great asset for me to finally recognize the abuse I've suffered, which I can now work through on other levels as well: emotionally and cognitively.

The member guidelines http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0 will tell you most you'd want to know.
I hope, wish and trust you'll settle in nice and comfortably.
Feel free to share.


Dutch Uncle

[arpy1]

hi david r, just wanted to add my welcome to you.  hope you find this site as valuable and reassuring as many of us do.   

[Kizzie]

(Note - this is a post made by David r in another section.  I just moved it here into his journal so that it would follow on to his post above more readily. Kizzie)

Title : A gift due to perserveerance ( peace of mind )

Hi there everyone,
   
A little excited at present as i was just writing about the incident on the log truck. I recalled that the older boys were instructed to play with me and had resented it. I was able to recall being alittle egotistical about that and also as i ventured up onto the trailer feeling inferior as they were alot more agile then what i was. I recall being envious and somewhat in awe of their skill and new and didnt want to risk being pursued. It eventuated however and i made the decision to jump as i was in favor with the adults as well looking back at with from an adults perspective. It would also justify the level of hostility on the boat ramp as the perpertrator on the boatramp was also the oldest child present on the back of the trailer and if i imagine correctly would have down some swift talking as to how i came unstuck on the back of the trailer. I also have another memory of climbing up into the tree where they were building a cubby house and they didnt want me around and i own my part in things as i was jealous of the fact that they accepted my brother and had rejected me. They had attributes to which i was attracted and being the youngest thought i had the protection of the adults. I was alittle askew in that assumption even though the verocity of those two brutal reactions was uncalled for.  Tc all

[david r]

  once again im alittle confounded as to were to begin, i guess getting current is the first step,
    i have been contemplating moving residence and this has been a series of triggers, first checking out the place of residence, there was alot lacking in this facility and i became worried about the other residents whom i saw as i checked out the room on offer. i am also so struggling financially and this affects my nicotine addiction and also coke a cola addiction. i still trying to figure out which is the greater trigger money, the lack of it or the possible relocation driven by financial insecurity which brings me to another memory that alittle more detail has come to the surface over the last few weeks.
   once again my mind wants to recall these incidents and place them on a timeline so i can appeal the injustice of it. i was in grade two and i was looking for a role model whom i could emulate as my parents were in the process of getting a divorce. at our school sports day there was a finale of some repute as at the end of the day there was some excitement built up as the points were tallied and their was still one event in progress, the senior boys high jump. the excitement was around the that fact that the winner would decide the outcome of the sports day. it was like a hollywood movie script. the teachers had us all in our grades sitting down and then the fuss ensued , we were relocated to watch the the finish of the event. it came down to the two school sports captains, one from either side. my sports captain ended up winning. he was quite popular in school and wether it was that afternoon or a week later or even a month i am unsure but i came across him walking through the park across from were i lived. its a little hazy but i do recall informing him that i new where to get some money from in order to play videos games.the meory of breaking into the flat i lived in and noticing this individuals body language is stronger, he was really awkward and shy and may have even asked if what i was doing was appropriate and i reassured him that it was okay. i recall being in the shop and the guy behind the counter informed my hero that the amount of money i had was an awful lot for someone so young, this next detail only resurfaced a few months ago where i was lead up an alley and sexually abused. it wasnt aggresive and i didnt feel threatened in anyway but it was very confusing as i hadnt expierenced that kind of sensation from either of my parents. it was kind of intimate and the abuse i expierenced from my father was entirely different which triggers off and now my mind is having flashbacks to an earlier expierence with my father ( i am getting frustrated so i will take a rest for a time and let this memory gel as i have another ciggarette)( i was two or three years old and i believe we had been out as a family the night before. we were having asleep in the afternoon and my mother feeling superior as my father had a hangover prompted my older brother and i to go in an play wiht my father on his bed, i still remeber my mothers mirth as my older brother and i were bundles of energy, i won the race to be first up onto his bed and his response was a hug and then he moved towards my genitals and asked how the crown jewels were, i have just realized that his enquiry was direted in some sick game as he was countering my mothers mood and tryin to kill two birds with the one stone in some sick dynamic they had going. i was exhilerated at having won the race for his attentionand in some way it becae his normal way of showing affection. what triggered this memory is that he went onto say that he was going to choke a darkie and i became excited about going out to what i thought was a visit to some new peoples place. he went to the toilet and came back and i thought this was a cue to be leaving. he remained on his bed and i enquired again as to when we were going to choke a darkie. he laughed and i dont recall what his response was, i do however remember being out the front of a shop and seeing an aboriginal man waked up to him as proud as punch and informed him that my dad said he was going to chokea darkie. my father went bright red in the face and moved toward me in an aggressive manner and i burst into tears. the sick dynamic kicked in again and i was given to my mother to console , i recall an apology being made to the person i had inadvertantly abused , i remember being shown some things in the cabinets in the shop then handed back to my father who took me back outside and down to the back of the shop where their was a wild tobacco plant  i remember my dad pointing out this and i repeated his reference to the tree) my school sports captain was aboriginal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[david r]

    its been approximately 5 hours since i posted. i have taken myself too a meeting dealing with the alcohol and drug issues i have admitted to having though i still love nicotine and sugar and caffiene.
     to continue on from where i left off ( as i can do that now ) im thinking of how i disociate and the feelings that manifest in disocition for me.
     i generally start my day out with a can of coke and a few cigarettes, i put my headphones in and listen to songs that can take me off on tangents of marvelment, splendor, incredulousness and amazement. with my music playing i can concuct a whole heap of secenarious in my head that sustain me from the neglect i impose on myself as im a hedonist and become fixated with things that generate pleasure. i think i do this in order to mask the selfishness when it comes to enhancing my pleasure receptors in my brain and whilst their legal substances i can still work myself up into a frenzy where i becoe totally self engrossed with my past. i obsess about it in an attempt to advocate my innocence because my behaviour as a teenager was quite appalling and also because it is still quite congested when it comes to placing these things on a timeline or scale and the judge within in me calls for perfection.( leave no stone unturned ) i think also that it is interwoven with the effects of trauma and survival as i was once told the you " only get one shot at a predator " before it hightails it and runs. a statement which is terrifying in itself as i didnt know wether i was the hunted or the hunter ( BOOOOMMM!!!) HENCE MY DISTRESS WHNE IT CAME TO COURTSHIP!!!!!!!! ( sighs ) its great to be typing away here and process at the same time something i have been unable to do in the past and i only think its taken place as i was humbled indirectly by being displaced from my former residence. i had to reach out to someone and i have been talking to counscilling services over the phone for the last 5 months and i have come along in leaps and bounds in my own opinion. but this is what my mind does to me i was intially going to follow on with disociation and this tangent is about to come to a stop.
     because of my first hiding and the manner and savagery of it i think that my instinct buit a barrier in which i could escape and find sanctuary and comfort in disociation. the first sign of this happening for me was when i was approximately 3 to 4 years old. i was underneath th house as this is where i use to go when i pilfered a potatoe from the potatoe rack and wouls either cut them up and eat them or take chunks out of them ( i ended up with the knickname spud ) . my mother called from up in the house and asked me if i was eating potatoes and i recall pausing/detaching and focused my hearing to try and hear where her footsteps were within the house. ( new ! i recall feeing relieved as she was nowhere near the backdoor so i was safe if i lied) i recall lying and saying that i wasnt. my mind was just trying to place together wether she confronted me about the lie. it wa sketchy but may have been real way back then. ohand hence the disociation ( booom) THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER ACKNOWLEDGED TO MYSELF THAT I BLACKOUT WHENEVER I AM FEELING VUNERABLE. i do that a * of alot when i come to think of it. i have always blamed stm loss and what i think maybe valid as well is a slight degree of concussion syndrome. i am tired again and i have ony been going at this this time for 35 minutes. i am also trying to do a diploma online and i think i may have to withdraw from it as this is incredibly taxing to do but i feel like it has tocome first before my acceptance and awareness can grow.

[david r]

   had a day or so to gather some more insight into what I expierence and what is inhibiting from trying to achieve what it is that I am currently trying to do.
     
     ummmm , trying to quit sugar,caffiene and nicotine. the sensation of coke a cola is the ultimate for my inner child , I associate all those positive feelings that I expierence in dissociation with sugar, it really enhances my imagination ( along with the ceffiene ). it seems like I don't want to actualize what a lot of those sensations are associated with. anger, violence, abuse as well as on one particular occasion, intimacy and affection of the kind I wasn't accustomed to especially in my home life. I had rejected my mothers affection from an early age and basically only cared for my fathers attn. and approval. his whilst abusive was more invigorating then what my mother could proffer. I'm tired and feel like I have let go of other abusers in my life and to be honest I could really be bothered at the moment. I'm just trying to build up a consistency so I can finally get some structure in my life and if I help anyone out here along the way then so be it, as you can choose or ignore or what it is want to take onboard. nighty nite from downunder.

[Kizzie]

ummmm , trying to quit sugar,caffiene and nicotine. the sensation of coke a cola is the ultimate for my inner child , I associate all those positive feelings that I expierence in dissociation with sugar, it really enhances my imagination

Hope you had a lovely night's rest David    Sugar has been a balm for my Inner Child for almost 60 years now and I have a worse time giving it up than I did smoking!  (I smoked a pack and a half for over ten years and only quit because of all the info about cancer.)

But sugar, now that is another thing entirely.  I've gotten as far as figuring out that I associate it with feeling good and of all things safe.  I used to sneak it into my room and eat it in the dark when I was alone when there was no more threat, anger, tension .....it was the one thing I had that I could look forward to at the end of each day, a reward for making it through and something that soothed all the loneliness and fear. It's a very powerful association between chocolate and feeling good that I will have to unpick with my Inner Child. 

Thanks for your post, I haven't written about this anywhere before. How you are managing with  trying to quit?  Do you have any medical or other supports?

[david r]

   well its nearly 7 30 am here and i have just had my morning fix, two cans of coke and a few ciggarettes. im gong to have to quit as i simply cannot afford them any longer.
   
    part f me is excited and that is the kind of feeling that has got me into trouble before. my ego surfaces and i think that this is al alittle too easy and i can quit anytime that i want to. its the feeling of elation that i cant handle though i have come to understand. their is part of me that is like the little child whom my father rushed at in an aggressive way and i burst into tears, elated that i have come into some awareness and their is also the wonderous but estranging feeling of being felt up by a male presence that i blocked out because i had to front up to thieving money in order to play games, also the elation of being under the protection of the adults and having older kids being instructed to play with me, hence i become a little bit cocky.

    part of me is prideful in the sense that i havent lost my bravadiering ways and still can be defiant and rebellious but i think im finally starting to process sensations i only really expierenced in dissociation or unless im confusing that with what the doctors presume is schizo affective disorder. i have always been really impulsive and im getting alttle sick of it. i can recall as a child attending a markets and one of the stall holders had some baby ducks for sale. i went and asked my mother if i could purchase one of them. she was working at a hair dresers and informed me that she couldnt afford it, the hairdresser saw how enthused i was and told my n=mother she would give her the money so i could purchase one. i was given twenty dollars to purchase a duck and i came back with the lot of them, they were four dollars each and i was the owner of four little ducklings. thier was a little humor mixed with dissappointment but the humor was at my jubilation that i was as proud as punch of these little ducklings.

     it became a pattern in my life trying to rescue baby animals and keeping them for a period of time until they either died ( as i didnt have the skill to keep them alive) or they were passed onto someone who had the facilities to care for them. this continued even into my early adult life. i never knew i was trying to rescue my own inner child. all i ever reall wanted from life was to have a family of my own and i still havent been able to fulfill that desire. i have gotten myslef into trouble trying to parent others and trying to fulfill some maternal intsinct that was lacking in my life and that is what i miss when i become alittle cocky , its jubilation that i expierence and that was the feeling i was expierencing when i approached the aboriginal man with those dangerous words, it was also present after i was felt up down the alley way and the same of feeling still encroaches whenever i get paid. im stress free!!!! when in reality i have alittle eu stress happening, like a small child on the way to the mall or show with a pocketful of money to spend.

     part of me just doesnt give a * at the moment as im forty two years old and im still trying to grasp the descrepancies in my mental and emotional make up and thats how i feel when im feeling DISPLACED, no home , no shelter , i have to wether the storm so to speak and that is when i look for connection and reach for my cigarettes which iswhat im going to do right now, planning on posting a few times today.

[david r]

   i do see a counscillor though i find it hard to let anyone in. im venturing in that direction currently. also my case manager with my pyschiatric team are exiting my from their care.

   the memory that has been floating around my head this morning is from approximately 7 or eight years of age. my parents had seperated or were nearing that stage. my father ha taken myself and my older brother out to his new workplace for the school holidays. it was out on a property and his new employer had a grand daughter that was one day older then me. i believe she was home schooled and was extremely excited to have some playmates, the trampoline she had was became the center of our play and on one occassion in her jubilation she became overly excited and decided to pee on the trampolie whilst we were jumping on it. i think i may have informed my father of it and he informed her grandfather who brought out his stockwhip and proceded to crack it on her right thigh. i remember her scream as it was one of INTENSE pain and distress. my older brother and i cowered behind my father, it is unclear if my other memories  are ( and now that i think about it , precede this incident). we went fishing and she was hypo , she couldnt shut up and my father fed into her elation and he was somewhat a sexualist, i recall being in the horse yard and this girl had a horse that she was riding bareback. he placed me on behind her and the horse started to pigroot ( half hearted bucking ) this frightened e and i didnt want to be on the back of this horse , him and his chauvanistic ideals, i suspect that he was in awe of her fearlessness and her competence on a horse were as it was my first time and i was hating the expierence. i ended up falling of the horse and hit y head on a rock, my father also reveered this employer as he was a very hard man and also very wealthy. he made me get back up on the horse and i resented it as i was partially concussed but he was enthralled by her euphoria ( i suspect that she may have been bi polar ) i think he was parading his offspring to his employer hoping that he would find them worthy.

      i also recall and i suspect that after the flogging with the whip there was conversation that evening about dingoes and them eating sheep and tangling with kangaroos. later that night as i was trying to go to sleep i had all these images of dingoes fighting with kangaroos and eating sheep and i woke my father to tell him about it , he just told me to roll over and go back to sleep. its the first time i can recall cold and frightened and consciously recognizing the ringing in my ears. their is more but im tired because i think i dissociated from  elation from that time on or it was reinforced because of the terror i found that was the result of this girls behaviour. not that she deserved the stockwhip , that was just barbaric. but her elevated state of being , jubilation on the horse and the attn she was recieving from my father, i believe he was instructed to go to another property to check waters , i suspect it was after the flogging. i wil get to that but i want a rest for now, i know there is something there in the relationship with my older brother and i and my father.

[david r]

    was thinking on what i posted earlier and have come to the conclusion that i interpreted anxiety as something that was a girls domain and i wanted to be in a males domain.

     the way my father interacted with that young girl left me feeling very confused in the years to come , well perhaps that is a lie of sorts because i just sponged it all up. like i mentioned my parents had recently seperated and my mother when i was living with her was just as exuberant as what the graziers daughter was. she began seeing other men and partying, whenever it came up about sex though my mother would exhibit the same sort of energy as this child had done. not that she was sexualy active but just in the way she conducted herself and ike i mentioned i think she may have been bi polar. that is another period of my life though.

     we went to another property to check the waters and fences. there was a coupe of lakes that the homestead overlooked as it was on a hilltop. feral pigs used to come to the lakes to drink and wallow and forage. on one particular ocassion my father decided to go down to the lake on foot and try and shoot a feral pig. there were no pigs about, we did however look at a black swans nest. on the way back we ahd to pass via another hill. my brother had been scolded about something and was skulking off on his own out to our left about 70 eters away. an old grey roo came bounding along between the hill that the homestead was perched on and the hill we had traversed around. my father began to site it up to shoot it when he thought it was behaving a little strangely. it noticed us and took off through the fence. about 60 seconds later a dingo who was in pursuit of the roo came along. my father sited up and i think he fired. he missed and he dingo bolted. this only furthered his ire towards my older brother as he believed that if e had of stayed with us he may have taken the path my brother was travelling and he would have gotten a better shot at it. we also so chased on another occasion chased a sow with some porkers with her across the flat. it was really rough because of the pigs rooting it up ad cattle walking in the black soil mud by the waters edge, as the lake receeded it became very rugged. my father managed to run over one of the porkers.  he pulled the vehicle up and we went back to shoot it. it was squealing very loudly and had the same sort of pitch to it as the girls had been. this frightened me immensely. as we were nearing the porker with its backbone broken its mother returned to the scene. my father said lookout and my older brother bolted and i followed suit. my father took a shot at the sow, it took off. my father  called to my older brother to go back so as he could put the porker out of its misery. i recall my brother shooting the porker with my fathers guidance.

        the stations manager came over with his soon to be son in law. we were to go check waters and do some fishing as well. away we went and somewhere along the way my father mentioned that he had forgotted the bait. so it becae a priority to get some. at every billabong we came across with a duck in it we tried to shoot one. it took perhaps three holes before we got one. the son in law made to get out of the car bt my father said hey watch this, he said which one of you boys wants to get that duck from the front of the cab. i leapt out in a flash getting the jump on my brother. i ran to the otherside and nearly got puled under by the weeds in my haste to retrieve the duck. my fathe thought it was a great joke to play o the competitive nature between my brother and i. we stopped at some hole in a river and caught a few fish. we threw our lies in over the weeds from a steep bank. i would get bored however and slowly pull my line back towrds the weeds and bang , fish. my brother followed suit and the competition was on again. we ended up movig on and i dont recall who caught the most but at this next billabong we were doing the same again, there was no blackbream and know weeds but their were fish in sight hoveing near the roots of the teatree trees. i began dangling my hook near the surface and caught an archer fish. my brother wanted to do the same but there wasnt enough room. he ended cracking the shits and walked over to the other side of the hole. their was commentary going on all the time about our interactions and the manager ended up talking about saltwater crocodiles and how they could live in billabongs for years and that it wouldnt be impossible for oe to take a little boy. this had the desired effect and my father walked off to my oldrs brothers aid. i stayed but the was some more dialog about crocodiles and i felt sad and guilty about the prospect of losing my older brother so i walked off to join them, i did forget to say that whst we were travelling to the river we came across a cleanskn bull which we run down and carstrated and marked, we used his testicles for bait.

     why i tell you all this is because of the early childhood trauma at the hands of games and then to be confronted with highly adrenalin filled expeditions, the game by the billabong were my father was trying to play or vi for seond in command and using the natures of young children as a sport to impress others at how wordly expierenced you were. part of me knows that these arent your everyday stories and i still strugge with the fact that these memories all became intrusive to me because they probaly got attached to that amygdalla thing in the brain. these flashbacks can occur indiscriminitly and i can also do the same with god times at this age, it seems to be deeply ingrained in me this operatus.

[david r]

   sighs ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, dont know what to say or where to begin really, there is the jealousy of my brother that i outshone him i my fathers book and he was " king " ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, trying to connect with what happened in grade two as in with the teacher ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i was going to say spanking me in front of the class but she was livid that the card had been chewed so i think it was more about disobeying her authority which changed the affrontage,,,,,,,, if my intuition is serving me well and if i was to put it out there hypothetically then i would say that my holiday came first and after that drama filled expierence i think that being hit in front of the class , becoming emotional as a secondary shame as i already had been told " big boys dont cry " and also that " stop that bloody crying or i will give you something to cry about " so i learnt really eary on that emotions were a liability and it only gets worse ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i havent barely begun and i hit despondancy. another memory as i was talking about being mentally abused,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

     i was eatig dinner with my older brother one evening. ( before my parents divorced ) we were eating a meal that my father had concocted. he was very proud of his hasberghandies ( a name he also invented ) it involved taking everything left over or partially eaten thing from the fridge and frying it up.  in went spices, tawny port, vegemite and it was quite the brew, i was four and my stomach was still soft and i coudnt bring myself too eat more then three mouthfuls . my parents went down to the annex as my brother and i were stalling for good reason. i ended up asking for a glass of water, which was fairly intelligent for someone so young but i ended up tipping some of it into the dish i was trying to eat. after awhile my parents came up to see what was happening and my mother could tell that i had put water into my dinner, she saw red and told my father who proceeded to belt us both and we were sent to bed. i think my mother also contributed to by saying that we should be grateful because their were people in africa who were starving and would be grateful for what we had in front of us, so in just that one incident my brother and i were mentally, emotionally ( stop that crying r i will give you something to cry about ) and physically abused. i just detach or was just drifting off into dissociation to think about something worth while in life, i get sullen and withdraw as i was also told that in physical pain to ignore it and it will go away , guess that also had to suffice for emotional pain as well,,,,,,,,,,,,,, guess at least i am trying to remain in the present as best i can , i was just caressing my whiskers in contemplation as to were to go next,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hmmmmmm , the word distant crossed my mind and that how i feel at present or was , just had another memory flash through my mind of how as a teenager i had a couple of friends who use to tease me because id drift off and end up looking to them like one of those clowns at the fair with their mouths agape waiting for a ping pong ball to be placed into it and away i go again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sighs ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a decison that has never been made,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, impatience another scene flashes into my mind as to why i hate waiting , it was either outside the classroom or as a result of a car accident i was in and had to wait by the curb whilst my mother was dealing with the police and being lead off by a stranger to have cookies and milk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, contorted guilt , we got hit by a motor bike and i was meant to be looking out for cars,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,becoming fixated with games as they were more entertaining then what was happening on the black board( grade five ),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, grade four,,,, rubbing my forid to feign i ad a temperature as i hated being indoors,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and this is quite time for me ,,,,,,,,,,, i have just eatin dinner and thought of what else i could do ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i did make a commitment today to post a few times and i have also decided to quit my course online and i get to distracts and interupted by stimulus,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i could just place my finger on the comma key and let it space out,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that how tedious i find this stuff , i start out in a postive or workman like state then get frustrated by how little continuance there is to my memories , my alcoholism , couls just pick up a drink and wash it all away , that like what i expect,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im done for now

[david r]

    took the day off yesterday as i was tired and needed to regroup my energies. the ole perfectioist thing was resurfacing in the sense that i wanted to be exactly sure as to when things happened. i havent been entirely down and out but i still find it difficult to expierence feelings of well being and learning how to articulate tehm and express them is a trigger in the sense that i find that i might overwhelm someone else and that is a sign of martyrdom and the catalyst of co dependancy. the flogging after jumping on the bed comes to mind as it is the first conscious memory of feelings of an opulant nature surfacing. the sense of jumping on a bed and defying gravity was alluring and i have just realized that these feeelings lead me to think that im am naughty and a bad person because they can effect others negatively , trips me into becoming very meek and hyper aroused in the sense i cant anticipate what peoples reactions will be. you see there was ( telling myself here ) joy and fun to be had whilst in the company of my brother and there was an (alien/pushing boundaries here i know) but there was danger lurking in the vicinity out of eyesight ( my mom on that articular occassion ) hence my intrepidation to venture and feel completely at ease even in a relatively secure enviroment , if i felt threatened in my family life then what chance did i have or was there for me in a strange enviroment .

     memory comes to mind of eating out at a friends house one night whilst on holdays with my dad. there was cashews in the main course and a question was posed about eating nuts by the hosts wife and i said she could eat my nuts to and there was a chuckle and then embarrassment as people laughed at the innocence of that statement and what others had associated it with. i particularly liked this woman and she was my first infatuation as i entered puberty at a later date. my point is that i felt like there was a gulf going to open up in the floor and swallow me up after there was a few mimed gruffness by the husband , i felt abashed and come to detest being mocked or ridiculed when i was trying to determine my feelings as i really did like this lady and i was perhaps nine or ten. still do actually.

   attraction was a trigger for me as they filled me with elation and that was a vunerability i didnt want to advertise.

[david r]

   fear FEAR FEAR FEAR , i hardly recognize this emotion within me, im so attuned to putting on a mask or going with that attitude of having to soldier on to the very end and i guess the memory that just surfaced is one of a young man who didnt really want to acknowledge it because even i was induced into ridiculing it.

    i had left home and was living with a family that had too addicts for parents. it was a really dysfunctional family. i ad gained employment were the male parent was employed and ended up quitting. this disappointed the male and he basically ignored me after quitting a job were i believe he vouched for me to his employer. he favored me over his son and during or before i started employment his mother preying on this had her son relocated to western australia to work with his aunt and uncle shooting roos. her son wanted to come home after awhile and she concocted a story that she wanted me to participate in where i was to lie to her husband about whaat she needed money for which was going to be to get her son home. i was torn with indecision and was racked with guilt trying to figure out what to do. i eventually told the maes best friend and drinking companion what she was concocting and he said to tell the male what was happening. i did and he took control and gave her the money but she abused for telling him, it was vile and i ended up staying out a the sheds over the weekends and it just occured to me that this is the second time i got comepletely paraletic on alcohol. now i become full of despair and sadness again, it was despicable to try and involve a junior in something so covert and manipulative, she was disgusting. i guess that is how trauma works though, i cant bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the degradation inflicted by other toxic acts because they ovrwhelm and corrode my sensibilities, i guess i just want to switch it off now as i find myself full of disparagement. she ended up defrauding me of 2 thousand dollars and shipping me and her son both over to her brother and sister in laws, just realized that fea makes me sick , takes me straight into isolation and being stuck in a desert with know where to hide or run to alls you can do is internalize it and repress it and survive the best you can. going to call a counscilling service.

[david r]

  just spoke to someone to ease my sense of treachery. she was a piece of work and things like this i find difficult to talk about because they were dehumanizing in the sense the young adults come to rely on more mature adults for consistency and the behaviours they were consistent in were attrocious. sexualizing with minors, this was the female and also guilty i suspect of raqueteering as on another occassion whilst in her care we were counscilled on how to manipulate a scene in order to sue someone if they broke the law. and what triggered this off was talking about fear, yes fear , i am phophobic, the fear of fear. i am coming back into myslef now and looking back this morning i was quite self assured that i may be able to achieve a gola of mine and become nicotine free.  i dont think i will ever become an expert of talking about fear,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah , the scenario i mentioned about manipulating a situation in order to try and contrive money out a a certain party involved us luring a rumored antagonist out onto a public road and getting into an altercation with him. his father ended up coming out onto the footpath and grabbing the too of us around the throat and pushing us up against his front fence. both of us soiled our pants and removed out underwear on the way home and threw them up into a tree. that was terrifying , i can still remember ny heart lurching out of its cavity and it didnt start to recede until we were three parts the way back to were we lived. her son relayed the story of throwing our underwear up into the tree and it was laughed about. asking myself honestly how i felt about it back then , numb,, i just smile because others were laughing , i was terrified though . not sure were that memory fits into my life , wether it was prior ,,,,,, no it was after her son had gotten back from western australia. because we moved briefly into a house together. part of me never fully recognizes that i am broke because i just see desperation as a means to an end , i was just contemplating stealing in order to maintain my cigarette addiction if it comes to that. never been to jail and its embarrassing to admit that the companionship that i find in them is like a child still being weaned , all this repressed trauma and im just starting to accept that it is idelibly interwoven into my psyche.