David's Recovery Journey ( possible trigger )

[david r]

    i fear that im being stalked on the internet sometimes and this use to send me spiralling into convolution and distortion and sometimes i think t still maybe playing out because reality is i dot like alot of people and sometimes i play out scenarios in my head trying to find a resolution to my internal chaos, also to guide me as i use to walk around like i was a painted wind, that innocence is a domain everyone can traverse in. reality is though innocence is the domain of children and i dont think there would be an adult of any kind that hasnt flirted with or broke a law of some kind where it be going over the speed limit by one kilometer. i hate status and station in life and one of the things i recall of people of a particular faith trying to indct me that heaven was going to be the earth reborn and that we'd be able to feed wild animals by hand. sometimes i dwell on this and think if only humans could get along everything would be alright yet the seems to be so much contreversary in life and differnet personalities that its just impossible to get along with everyone simultaneously. i detested education as a result  of some of my expierences and i guess i hate those whom circumnavigate turmoil and think that instruction is all that is needed. i guess these individuals have a agenda or a quota to fill and whilst i dont condemn these people i still think that like the bob dylan song : the answer my friend is blowing in the wind' for if you can stifle a heated torch then you can learn to adjust the flame to what ever temperature you desire and i guess thats indicative of those with personality disorders, i feared as to which one i had and of those that i researched i think i fit in amongst the AVOIDANT personality type. there seems to be to much conjecture involved in commiting yourself to anyone particular ideal and where i faltering is by aligning myself with this ideal that one day i'll be restored to the happy articulate middle aged man that society would be proud of. i have attempted on at least three occassion to gain a certificate in education and have failed because of anxiety and also stress. it reminds me of the competitive nature of starving nimals trying to get a feed and the aggression that ensues when you have to fend for your own piece of carcass and people call this life. i think its horrendous as its a regression and needs to be curtailed but not everyone has that capacity or by the same token compunction. evidentuated in business and also by those striving to reach a common goal where they come up against and find there know other way to surmount an opposing force. you see i have only to have n inkling that there is something dubious involved whether it be positive or negative and i find myself out of sorts. i dont immediately become paranoid but when i plummet into introspection i often find myself in a seething cauldron of debate and im primarily there on my own as i generally shutdown mentally in the company of others and its the first time i have ever really put that out there. sharing my dysfunction with others or is it just really how i learned to cope in what i came to perceive as a really competitive and hostile world, i think as a result of my expeirence  on the boat ramp i learned that thoughts could be dangerous so for me as i repressed adventurer i became to depend on having a thought and then notionalizing the thought or thought that ensued into a fantasy in which i could feel and thats it basically a land in which i could feel so as to endure and survive the distortion that was displayed to me in my enviroment. i suspect it is a coping mechanism so indelibly extwined into my psyche that i may never break the habit and to be honest i dont know know if i reallyy want to. then i realize i just have to accept my mal-formity for the time untill i get released for the diabolical imprisonment of responsibilty again and develope a lustre for life again and step away fro the il-formity of disconsulation. done for today.

[david r]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA_JcD4Qs38

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi david,

I see you posted some music you like.
This site has many sections, and one of them is dedicated to music, and there is a thread there (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2297.0) that you might want to share your music in.

Perhaps you could give some feedback to others who post here?

[david r]

had a good day today. i havent been triggered and i guess alot of my past i have surrendered to the fact that i just cant change it. it has also been great to realize that i have come along way and also with surrender comes acceptance.

  i recall when i first stumbled across this site it spoke of being in a situation that you were unable to escape from and that still impacts on me today. i dont want to sign a lease with a rental authority because i dont want to feel like im trapped again, i like to have a sense of freedom and know that at anytime i can just move on or away. i just decided i will fill you in on how i escaped or saved from one of these horrendous entrapment expeirences.
  my distress the other day after talking about fear was about the fact that this situation i found myself in was completely orchestrated by one particular individual ( seperation anxiety , i was just going to infor you of how i escaped and then was going to tell you how i got their, i can get way off tact someitmes and i think its a sign of how muddled up i can become because in reality i was feeling okay , then i started to recall exactly how i got their and began to disociate. even now i couldnt be bothered and i was feeling bouyant a few moments ago. new paragraph!!!.
   i was feeling bouyant becaus i wanted to look back at the escape from this situation i was covertly manipulated into being in. i was feeling kind of prideful about having manipulated a situation to escape it, nd it had caught these people completely unawares. now i want to go and have a cigarette,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, a little deflated now but im determined to write about this ending , and ) yes i have a tendancy to always find the end so i can write a fairytale beginning . also saves you from disappointment and rejection,,,, well i find anyway. smoke time!!!!!!
   i have lost my drive to write about that incident , its been over half an hour and i have eatin as well , i just feel like slothing out and letting this meal begin to digest so bye