'Shattering' of Self

[I like vanilla]

This is something that I am trying to figure out and am wondering if anyone might have experiences and/or references that might help...

Something I have noticed during and in the aftermath of very stressful/triggering times is that I feel like I am going to 'shatter into little pieces'. I then spend huge amounts of energy trying to hold myself together so that I don't 'go flying apart into little pieces'. I hope that makes sense; I have such difficulty describing it but it feels like my Self, my Being, is going to 'shatter' or 'break apart' in a type of 'exploding sense' unless I hold onto it tightly enough. It is a terrifying type of feeling.

In discussing this with my T, he wondered 'shattering' might be the mechanism that I use during trauma. Rather than flight/fright/freeze, I 'shatter' myself, strangely to protect myself. As a result, during triggering events I feel that 'shattering' sensation again. That idea actually made a great deal of sense to me and resonated strongly with me. Strangely, the realization that this might be my particular type of response to trauma was comforting and somewhat empowering. I am finding that it is easier to release that energy knowing that it is something that 'I do' rather than something that is 'happening to me' (again, I hope that makes sense).

My problem is, however, that I have never heard of this. Neither Google nor Scholar Google have offered any help. Searching for terms like 'shatter' and 'fly apart' with CPTSD bring many search results but none seem to have any application to what I mean.

Has anyone else heard of anything like this? Has anyone had any experiences like this? Are there any resources out there that address this? I would appreciate input and thoughts. Thank you!

[Dutch Uncle]

I never heard of what your T suggested.

What strikes me in your experience though is that you speak of "going to" shatter. You are not experiencing the actual shattering, on the contrary, you are doing everything to hold you together.

You possibly even feel 'tight', you tighten up.

Now that is something I can relate to. The feeling of threat of disintegrating, blowing up, or imploding even, feeling the rug is being pulled from under me and then falling into the abyss... All this I experience at times, in some form or other. And then clinging onto me, my 'self', the cliffs besides the abyss...Hanging onto solid ground with my fingernails... All that I know all to well.

I don't know what that is, what reaction/state that is, but perhaps I have the same feeling/experience as you?

[arpy1]

yes, i absolutely know what you mean, ilv, and you're the first person i ever heard say it, let alone describe it so accurately!     

i used to have these feelings a great deal.  not so much now that i am living in isolation from people,thank god. but the feeling of the total shattering of my self, of being about to break into a million bits and fly right apart, to cease to exist is something i have known for years. i even wrote a poem about it once describing my self as'a million sharp shards, silvery slivers of shattered fragility i felt like i was made of glass and the slightest little tap would do it.

i don't know, but i always felt that this was something to do with my almost not existent sense of Self or person-hood.  for many years i didn't have one, knew that i was not a 'real person', and am only just beginning to feel like i can maybe be one. and what little there was that  did define 'me' at that time was totally shattered by a series of very traumatic events that followed each other in quick succession.

abuse and trauma, unremitting, inescapable stress, yes, those were the things that made me feel like i was going to fly apart.

i haven't ever found any resources that mention such an experience; i suspect it might be to do with the loss of self/identity sort of area but apart from that, no idea really, i'm sorry 

don't know if this rambling helps in any way, but it is good to know someone understands that feeling!!

[I like vanilla]

I am still working on fixing my touchpad so not able to copy for quoting...

DU, I think you have some idea of what I am talking about: the disintegrating, blowing up part is exactly what I experience  . I am still processing all of this, as I had never heard of it either.

My T mentioned that Traditional Chinese Medicine has an idea related to 'shattered chi'. So far, my googling has not helped me find it. If I get the courage, I might try asking the TCM school. I know that I can also ask my T at our next appointment.

I am still working it all through but for me, I think that when I am actually in a 'zone out' mode, I really am shattering into pieces. I can't explain it well. I have been hypothesizing that because I could not physically escape from the abuse I 'shattered' instead. It is a bit of 'my way' of 'running away and hiding'. My physical body was still there, but my Self broke into pieces and hid in the tiny safe spaces where 'They' (my abusers) could not get me (I am picturing mice running into little spaces in the forest when a cat comes by). Afterward, I seem to have pulled myself back together (mostly). I am not sure how I shatter nor how I manage to come back.

At this stage, I am discovering that in the aftermath of a 'big' EF, I am still feeling the 'pulled apartness'. I am starting to suspect it is a bit of an aftershock. The 'shattering' happens during the EF but rather than trusting my body/spirit/self to pull back together, I have been going into my head and 'holding on' (I think this is something I do now more as an adult who has learned to 'live in my head and use reason' than I did as a child who just followed my body's instincts). Knowing that it is my type of 'fight/flight/freeze' response has helped me to stop fighting against it and allow the process to happen. I do not have to defend myself against it because it seems to actually be my defence mechanism.

I completely understand the tightness that you described. I am also wondering how I never connected that with the muscle cramps that I so often get after EFs.    I get terrible cramps in my legs, arms, etc. (sometimes I think even my ears!) after 'big' EFs and dissociative episodes. I am starting to suspect that my efforts to 'hold together' have been tightening up all of my muscles physically too. Thank you for that insight. It is helping me to relax and, literally, let it go.

Of course, much of this is speculating as it really is new to me, and I am still working it all through. 

arpy1 - Please do NOT apologize for not having 'the answer'. I do not have one either. I also never thought that you were 'rambling'. In fact, your description too was so accurate that I got goosebumps. Wow! Someone gets it! I really appreciate knowing that someone gets it. 

I also appreciate your ideas about personhood (or lack thereof). I completely understand that feeling ('I like vanilla' comes from the idea that I had so little sense of my own 'self' that I could not choose between chocolate and vanilla).

I am starting to suspect that my lack of clear 'mind memories' might be related to this 'shattering' defence. I think at some level I (my Self) never 'really' experienced the abuse; my body did, but my Self was hiding in little pieces away from it. I am also starting to think that my 'loss' of personhood might also be related to this 'shattering' response. Thankfully, I am also finding that my 'self' was not really 'lost', it might just be 'scattered' around. Now, I have to (maybe 'get to') find the pieces and bring them back together. I have just started a poem on how I am like a sponge.

Again, much of this is speculation as it is a new idea for me and I am unable to find references for it.

Finally, I am beginning to think that there might be a great deal more to this 'freeze' response than we think (those with CPTSD and those who research it). Granted, the idea of 'freeze' is fairly new so it is understandable that it is not well-researched. But in reading the posts here I have seen references to 'where do you go when you go?' and 'collapse responses', etc. I am hypothesizing that there might be many ways of 'freezing' when we freeze. I think that forums like this one, will certainly help in the 'figuring out' process. For example, we are able to learn that the internal processes that we have might be different than what the literature currently offers. We can also learn where we overlap with other people's experiences and where we differ. I suspect that there will overlap and differences for all of us (we are all unique individuals who also all share CPTSD). There seems to be a growing body of literature in this area. Hopefully, the research will catch up to our experiences.

[woodsgnome]

Much of this seems related to defining what one truly considers the "self". Is it a steady-state of being that's always consistent? And departing from that creates the shattering feeling, a kind of disbelief that it's even happening? Or are there other options to consider?

My own shattering experiences seem to have happened so often that I notice them, never could figure what was going on, so kind of just accept them, bad as they feel, and senseless as to the why/what and what, if anything, I could truly do, other than ride them out. That said, it felt like they were going to destroy me when they happened.

They became habitual, but fighting them seemed to make them worse. Rolling with the punch might be an apt phrase. If I don't do that rolling/accepting, it does feel like I'm about to shatter. Sometimes I wonder how I made it through the explosive feelings.

Back to the "self" though. I'm only speculating, but it's based on years of reading about this. Alright, so something that CG Jung and others have posited is that there's a Self (capital S) and self (small s). The Self is the steady observer that's always there; that makes us seem like a unit. The self is more like the daily part, the Self sticks around. And the self can also be multiple characters, something a fellow named Pierro Ferruci (book "What We May Be") was hep on. So each person is kind of their own universe, even. And no, it's not schizophrenia although it could go that route, I suppose.

It might sound contradictory, but maybe part of the scenario is we think that shouldn't or can't happen (and mind is part of small self thinking that). But maybe it's supposed to work that way, and the shattering is also a small self mechanism that prevents the larger shatter from happening (maybe there's multiples of small selves?), like a small fault line diverting another tracer that could trigger an earthquake.

Per usual, I've probably got several heads spinning  about now, so end of story--play with options. We're allowed to be creative (aha--another self!).

Thanks for sharing this, I Like Vanilla. It's prob more common than we think, and maybe we're better at this than those mechanical search engines anyway.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u for your post - it brings me closer to what I experience and have no words for ,,,

I am just learning too and p walkers 4 f is still a baffle to me

Just as you say we are all unique yet have cptsd -

But now I think of it I can relate to the process of 'shattering ' yes I can ..
For many yrs I have felt so fragile and like my insides are shaking -
I shattered so badly in my early 20s I couldn't function and was really unwell --

Now I am learning 'it passes and there is no permanence in this state u speak of and knowing that helps. It doesn't take away from the fact that we re live this state and shatter then re merge -

I think the stress part of cptsd is so so relevant in the disorder and I am looking forward to learning more of how to manage and integrate further to wholeness

Have u learnt anything thus far on managing the shattered ness - what helps you

I am so grateful for this site and to hear others speak what I sometimes can't formulate
Not feeling lonely is a great gift

Thank you

[Kizzie]

Geez we go thru some scary feelings don't we?!     I Like Vanilla, it's not a good way to feel I'm sure. I don't feel quite the same shattering sensation, but have had EFs where the ground beneath my feet seems to shift and roll as I imagine an earthquake would feel - it's awful.  Anyway, FWIW here's what I thought of when I read your post. 

I keep reading about parts of the self being less integrated than others (e.g., the inner child being a younger part of the self that is stuck in past trauma), but that there is capital "S" Self that keeps the parts (mostly) functioning on a day to day basis, a Ship's Captain basically. Could the shattering sensation be when the Captain 'abandons ship' under stress, exposing the parts and causing them to flee into far corners to protect themselves (i.e., a flight response)?  And that hanging on feeling is when you are waiting for the Captain to stop panicking and get back on board? I know flight is usually associated with the whole self departing, but why not parts scattering hither and yon?   

Not very scientific I know lol. There is an article by Onno van der Hart that I remembered when I was reading thru your description and his explanation of different parts of the psyche sounds a bit like what you're describing. I'll find it and post it here when I do.

Here it is - Dissociation: An Insufficiently Recognized Major Feature of Complex PTSD:  http://www.onnovdhart.nl/articles/jts_complex_%20ptsd.pdf.

[I like vanilla]

Wow! lots to mull over...

woodsgnome, you have words of wisdom. One of the things I am learning in therapy is to 'roll with the punches'. I am discovering how much energy I have been spending fighting the whole CPTSD impacts - fighting the emotions, fighting the EFs, fighting, the dissociation, fighting the 'shattering'. It has all spilled out into the rest of my life, leaving tired and cranky. I am learning there is something to be said for accepting/rolling with it. It still takes energy but it also releases a lot of the inner 'violence' (hostility? - I'm not quite sure of the right word). It has been helping to release a lot of the negativity that I have been carrying. In the process I have also been discovering much of it was never mine to begin with; it was beliefs, ideas, energy that was instilled in me by my abusers. Yes, definitely time to let that go and reclaim what is mine. Thank you woodsgnome for helping me to work through all of that - I still have some working through to do but feel like I am on the right path 

Your ideas of Self vs. self also make sense. I have been pondering this for the last few days. I think I might be in the process of unburying my Self from the 'yuck' that has been tossed on me. I think too, like many of us I have created selfs both for protection ('the good daughter', 'the quiet one', 'the smart one', 'the responsible one'....) as well as for social reasons (a different self goes to work than hiking with my friends). But ultimately the Self-Self is what matters. I am still learning who that is.

I enjoy this type of pondering, and am tempted to post a 'what is the Self'? thread. However, I am not sure if this type of 'for philosophical discussion' thread would be appropriate, nor, if so, where it would go.


Kizzie I think your image of a Ship's Captain might be right on. At first I resisted the idea that I had 'abandoned ship' - "no, I could never do that! I am the 'responsible one' the 'care giver', etc."* but in stepping back I realized that no, I think that the 'leaving ship' was what exactly I had done, and it is a good image to describe the 'shattering' that I seem to do. On further thought, I also realized that with an NM the abuse started pretty much since I was born, leaving me in a vulnerable position. One of the first (and only clear) memories I have of CSA, combined with external information, show that I was still a preschooler when it started. Given the circumstances, 'abandoning ship' seems like a reasonable thing for me to have done. Really, if there had been any option for me to fight or flee I would have done so. Shattering was the only option that seemed open to me, so I took it. Now, I am able to see that that was an entirely reasonable strategy for me to do.

Thank you Kizzie. You 'Ship's Captain' image has helped me to have clarity. By working it through, I have discovered that I have been carrying hostility toward my younger (preschooler) self for 'abandoning ship'. That of course, is patently unfair. She did the best she could in a horrific situation. Kizzie you have helped me reframe my response to my younger responses. You have helped me to forgive that part of myself, and in fact realize there was nothing to forgive as she had done nothing wrong.  . I need to do some more pondering but you have given me a good starting place. 



*Kizzie, I know that you were never implying cowardice or irresponsibility on my part - that is where my ICr went all on its own. The image and idea that you gave were actually very helpful to me 

[Boatsetsailrose]

The self for me is that inside of me (not my head) that intuitively knows - the spiritual me
Self is not my c PTSD nor is it my ego

My self is that part of me that is always free and feels safe

[tired]

I have this visual.

Being a crafty person I have a lot of beads, wire, string, odds and ends. They are sorted neatly. 

Imagine them all in a large glass jar and call it my Self. Now take that jar and smash it on the concrete.

Now imagine trying to get back to where they were all sorted.

[Indigochild]

Just jumping in on this thread-
Hi there i like vanilla. 

How very interesting.
During triggering times- usually when they last longer than a day-
I feel like I - who has a none exisant sense of self-
has faded even further away, as though I'm just a shell.
Maybe i do feel i will fall apart, maybe not in the exact same way as you, but i worry i wont be able  to deal if i crash and everything goes wrong.
I cant face the pain.
I feel disassociated during these times.
I feel far away from myself- but in fragments? all cracked and all over the place?
I feel I will explode in a bad way if i cant handle things. If I am hurt. I will be hurt to my core. And then i wont be able to cope.
Does this sound familiar to you?

I end up turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms to distract myself from pain, to self medicate.

All i have to get me through is those unhealthy coping mechanisms, and my energy goes into using them all the time to get through. So i guess my energy goes into disasociating- so that i can protect myself and not fall apart.

I dont feel a shattering sensation -
but how interesting that you do instead of the typical defence mechanisms.
Perhaps you put away parts of yourself in order to cope with trauma?? Sounds like that might be the case to me.
We do it aparently- and I feel the child like part of me is cut off from me- ie. my real self- whatever that is, but i destroy my inner child so i am cut off from her during those times.

As for resources etc. not saying this IS you, but have you looked up Borderline personality disorder? It takes of feeling fragmented.
Just a thought. I hope you find some resources some day.

[tired]

I get comfort from allowing myself to "fall apart" which may be the same thing. I perceive it as a form of giving up that takes away the pressure of trying to fix everything all the time.  So it's adaptive as well.  It gives me a break.

The only thing I could think of to look up is coping strategies. Children find ways to survive mentally by coming up with stuff like this. It sounds wrong as an adult but looked at through the eyes of a child it may make sense.