tired

[tired]

Thursday
I ate so much today I am angry at myself. But I guess I got to the point where I know I have gone too far so I'll stop.  That means three days of no solid food which is better for me; no worrying about random stomach pain, and no bloated feelings where I can't move, no worrying if the meal will turn into ten thousand calories.

I finally asked my daughter about the basement and came up with a plan. Found some old shelves in the back room (the * room, as I call it; looks like an episode of hoarders and thankfully has a door). Brought them into the front near the laundry and filled them with cleaning supplies.  Went online to martha stewart .com to see what the imaginary perfect people do with their supplies, mostly so i can feel like I'm doing ok because I think I am.

I went outside and found a set of wooden folding chairs and a table that i bought a long time ago and neglected so they were looking really ratty.  I found some spray paint in the garage and managed to get a black chair and table and a grey chair out of it; looks good as new. didn't have enough to make it to the bottom legs but my daughter says they look natural that way. I sprayed a couple of tin cans and maybe i'll plant something. dunno.

I was going to list what i ate but i'm not ready.  i feel like it would help but i'm scared and ashamed. anyway.

tomorrow i think i'll take a bunch of old sheets and partition off any part of the basement room i couldn't clean until i get to it.  i worry that the cat might have killed a mouse in a corner somewhere. 

last week i got some of that expanding foam that seals holes to keep out mice.  i can't believe i didn't seal the house years ago. but i did it. 

i took a shower.  figured, i should take it now so if i'm depressed in the morning at least i'm not super grody.  i have paint on my hands but that's sort of artsy so i'll leave it. 

my sister called, younger one, i don't talk to the rest.  she gave me ideas for working online via some app that's better than skype. anyway made me feel hopeful/competent/normal. 

today i had those embarrassing moments at the gym but then i would realize, it's not me, it's the other person being weird. i said something appropriately witty and on topic.  they created the awkward moment, not me.  yay, this time it wasn't me!  sheesh. 

[arpy1]

wow, tired, that's really brilliant! that's an impressive amount of stuff you got done, i hope you realise. proud of you 

understand about the food thing, but try not to beat yourself up too much, ok?? it is a blip, just a blip. 

mostly so i can feel like I'm doing ok because I think I am.

you are, you really are. 

[tired]

I have trouble taking in the positive feedback but I'm working on it. 

I spent the day doing a bunch of stuff and my hands looked so ratty. I got paint on my hands and tried to clean it and didn't do well.  Then I had a client consultation and I caught her looking at my hands.  They reminded me of my mom's hands, because she did a lot of gardening and general housework.  I guess my mom never had metallic nail polish though.  I make myself feel better by saying whatever, I don't need more clients. She's young, she doesn't need a trainer. She's a student and  should just go to her school gym.  etc etc reasons why I don't care.  In reality this person is young enough to be my child. And she is a child. 

Why am I so worked up.  I imagine her mom and what she looks like.  I bet they have money and leisure time and go to the spa.  They have that in control polished look that I never had; not even when I was married and had more money than I knew what to do with and my husband wouldn't have cared if I spent all day getting polished everywhere.  Sometimes I wonder why I didn't do it. I think I tried. I went to the mall.  I guess you have to do it regularly, the hair salon and the shopping.  It's time consuming.  It's stressful.  You have to drive there, which means you have to maintain your car.  You have to have a clean car, so your expensive clothes don't get ruined.  You have to sit still and finish a meal so you don't end up taking it into your car and eating it on your lap while you drive.   You have to make the phone calls to get a nail appointment, and remember the appointment, and drag yourself out of bed and put on clothes appropriate for the salon.  You have to clean your nails a little.  Brush your teeth.  You have to remember to wear gloves when you do dishes so you don't ruin those nails.  You have to care about appearances and about the people who will judge you. 

[tired]

Mom recruited someone to call me. I don't like the indirectness. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I wish there was a service out there where someone could just say "tell me about what you need to do and I will ask you tomorrow if you did it".

   

Still following the path of your plan, regarding mom?

[tired]

Yeah.  I think it's making me depressed. Yesterday I tripped and fell down the stairs (I'm ok) but I think it's the kind of thing that happens when I'm upset and also taking care of myself.  Like some evil gremlin is trying to retaliate. I have to be more careful. 

My niece texted me and said do you want to talk on the phone and I said maybe this isn't a good time because grandma is there (at her house) and she said no I meant to talk to her and I answered haha no. 

[Dutch Uncle]

haha no.

Awesome.

Yes. Depressed now. I've been there. 
Stay true to yourself. Easier said than done. But there is a reward at the finish. I promise.

[tired]

now she says my mom is asking everyone to buy her a ticket to come here but they aren't doing it.  I hadn't thought of that; just because she asks, doesn't mean they will.  maybe she'll buy it herself but she doesn't usually do that. 

staying true to myself is my salvation. when i'm depressed, scared, hurt, triggered in any way, i go to a place where I remember who i am and i do "me" things.  I had two clients today. yeah two whole hours of work! but for me it was a lot.  it involved helping people and that meant a lot to me.  i seem to be meeting people who struggle with one thing or another.  maybe that's everyone. 

i don't want to be mean to an old lady and i'm sure at her age she's suffering in her way. she's upset that i won't talk to her. maybe she feels guilty.  what i'm doing is having an effect on her.  but i have made up my mind and i won't turn back.  if it were me and my kids stopped talking to me i would let them do whatever they have to do. when they were younger and we had arguments and they stormed off slamming doors, i did walk in and continue talking. maybe that was wrong but i didn't want them to feel bad and i had to fix it; they were kids and it was my job and they didn't know better. they needed me. now, if they want to avoid me and not call or go stay with someone else for awhile, i wouldn't force anything. i would wonder why they might avoid me.  when they see me again i would make sure i fix whatever i did wrong without being too intrusive.  they are old enough to know what they want from me and i'm here for them if they need me and if they don't , i'm just going to be here in case.  what i am saying is that i'm not treating my mom in a way that i wouldn't want to be treated. i'm doing the opposite.  if i acted the way she did i would hope they would run, far far away, and find other support in the world and live a full life and absolutely not worry about me at all. 

[arpy1]

you know what, tired? you sound like a really lovely mum to your kids.  and the fact that you could be that for them shows what a strong and  wise person you are, becos you didn't exactly have a helpful role model for motherhood! this is something you taught yourself, and i really respect that.  hope you'll feel encouraged with yourself 

[tired]

Thank you arpy1. I don't get feedback anywhere so that is reassuring.

Today I had some thinking to do. I felt guilty about ignoring my mom.  I had to really be sure, and I was sure.  I wish I could say that something good will come out of seeing her but it won't.  Not for me. I know she has good in her and I see that.  My sister might argue, you should tell her something good about her, share good thoughts etc. But the thing is, she doesn't take it in. She won't believe it. Not about herself or about me.

Last time I saw her I was in a good place, I thought, and I assumed she would see it and be proud of me but she wasn't.  What good will it do to have her come over and say "don't worry mom it's all good"?  I did that before.  She has to find her own answers.  If she feels guilty she has to fix that herself. 

Anyway I feel better now that I had that little q and a with myself.  It's a bad situation and yeah it's ugly. But I didn't do this. I didn't create this ugly situation and I can't make it pretty.

[arpy1]

exactly. and i know how hard it is to come to that horrible realisation that nothing you do will ever be able to turn the relationship from toxic to healthy. but you're right to stick with your decision and give her the responsibility for her own stuff. courage, dear heart - the guilt is not yours to carry.   

[tired]

My brother is asking me "What are your plans to come and see Mom. She's gotten more frail .  It would probably be best if you could fly down here.  I'm sure Mom would cover the airfare."  I think he has no idea I'm not talking to her.  I said I'll see what I can do. I haven't made any particular plans right now.  I guess I feel like it's none of his business and I don't want to get into it with him.  Eventually he'll notice I'm not making plans and he'll have thoughts about that.  Maybe he'll say something .  I feel like a monster.  When I get like this I'm not myself.  Unless... unless this guilty person is the real me and when I feel justified I'm not myself.  I remember feeling like this when I was a teenager and thought, am I psychotic?  Am I delusional and my version of reality is completely off?  Is that possible?  I feel better when I'm not feeling guilty but is that good?  Maybe I'm a total narcissist and I make myself feel better because I'm selfish.

On the other hand... sigh... the whole thing is just, over.  She knows it too.  She knows that it is what it is and the truth won't change by seeing each other.  What we had won't go away, any good that was there.  And seeing her one more time won't lead to any growth or realizations. it won't change anything.  I won't like her more or less. I guess I don't care. it is what it is.  i'm ok with it. i just, don't care. 

.

[tired]

I said "I'll see what I can do" mainly to stall so no one would make plans for her.  If I said "I'm not coming" she might insist on coming. This way no one does anything. 

I can't care about everything and everyone for years and years and years.  I'm tired.

[Dutch Uncle]

I feel like a monster.  When I get like this I'm not myself.  Unless... unless this guilty person is the real me and when I feel justified I'm not myself.  I remember feeling like this when I was a teenager and thought, am I psychotic?  Am I delusional and my version of reality is completely off?  Is that possible?  I feel better when I'm not feeling guilty but is that good?  Maybe I'm a total narcissist and I make myself feel better because I'm selfish.

I think it's safe to say that because you are feeling guilty you are not a narcissist. I am often myself feeling guilty as *, so I can't say I have an objective view on the matter (I don't want to be a narcissist either  ), but I think the mere fact you feel guilty for 'letting mom down' is evidence you care for 'an other', which certainly is not a narcissistic trait.

And from all that I have read over the last past years I've learned that feeling crazy, doubting whether you are "completely off" is one of the main signs of (emotional) abuse.

I said "I'll see what I can do" mainly to stall so no one would make plans for her.  If I said "I'm not coming" she might insist on coming. This way no one does anything.

This is a fine strategy, the stalling. You can stall as long as you like, and you can also quit stalling as soon as you're fed up with it.
There's no need to rush into decisions, there's also no need to postpone them longer then you feel fit.

I do commend you for the stalling though, since you didn't fell into the trap of giving in to meeting your mom, which you clearly still don't want to. 
Sometimes passive-aggressiveness is just the right tool at the moment.

[tired]

Thank you for saying that about my stalling.  I don't like to be manipulative because my mom does that but on the other hand I don't have to be honest with everyone all the time. I don't owe it to them.  I do need to be honest with myself and people I want to be in a relationship with but my brother isn't one of those people right now. I guess maybe if I have the time and want to take that huge risk I might have a conversation.  But I doubt he will be supportive. He's never been.