tired

[arpy1]

i commend you tired, for having the courage and awareness to stay with your own decision. 

the thing is, i often find that when i am feeling crazy like you describe, it is becos of the crazy-making behaviours to which i have been subjected over the years.  guilt is a useful tool for a crazy-maker. it means that you, until you get wise to it and decide to bear the false guilt and protect yourself anyway, will do whatever they require, in order to stop feeling guilty... remember? 

my husband did this to me for years until i stopped playing the game. then i got all the nasty behaviour to try and get me back in line. when that didn't work (in fact, that's when i left him), he played the 'poor old me card' and i ended up being the villain of the piece.  i don't regret any of it. it was horrible, traumatic and so hard to do i thought i was going to die. but i didn't.

crazy-makers are just that - people who make you feel crazy, confused, guilty, responsible for fixing everything. it's their 'modus operandi' no wonder you are having this battle.

[tired]

I took a lot of ritalin today and got a lot done.  I even took a small nap in between, and woke up from the sound of my own snoring. I think I only slept for ten minutes but it was enough. 

[tired]

my brother is striking up a conversation again about us visiting
i hate to blow him off because maybe he has no idea what's going on and he's polite, even when he's super judgemental. i mean we have a sort of distant polite relationship so i don't want to be a jerk
and he is the golden child, adores our parents, etc.  and i don't know if i want to get into issues. it will upset him and nothing will change. he's not a mean person just one of those super religious types .  trying so hard to be good. 
i told the kids they are of course free to go visit anyone they want and this is a problem between me and my mother. i am tempted to keep them away because she can be mean but i think it bothers me more because i  have expectations and other issues.  maybe they have a different take. seems like no one else is bothered the way i am.

i need a nap. i don't need to be talking to him but i can't help it.  i want to get this over with and somehow let it be known that i don't want to see her.  maybe stallling /lying/passive aggressive is better.  as much as i feel guilty, i also know myself and i have a lot to lose if i get too stressed out. i have new clients and that's real money.  if i get depressed i lose a lot.

[tired]

I wonder if I'm wasting my time trying to work.  Maybe I have too many problems and trying to work has backfired. I've spent so much money on job related things like clothes and equipment. Household items.  If I didn't do any of it, and just assumed I couldn't work, I would be way ahead. It's like I invest in myself and the investment fails. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I thought work is picking up? Slowly, yes, but steadily. Yes?

[tired]

Maybe I'll just tell my brother that I'm tired and stressed and travel is absolutely out of the question (I barely make it to the grocery store) and having someone over is a close second. It's not just that it's my mom. Having anyone here is like chaos for me. You might as well ask me to host the olympics in my back yard.  On any given day I am unlikely to have clean towels, clean anything.  Sure, when I have a client I clean like crazy.  But because of all my problems with functioning it doesn't last.  It takes me hours to get it back so if I have a client say at 4, like today, I plan on having a large block of free time.  Today I plan on keeping 11-4 free to make sure I'm ready .  I know it won't take that long but I might get tired and need a nap who knows. I don't know if I have to do laundry or not because I haven't checked to see if my clothes are clean. 

Anyway I want to explain how hard life is right now and that it's not good for me to see mom.  Maybe he'll understand.  I don't think anyone in my family realizes this. They ask me to come visit like it's nothing. They don't get (no one does) how hard it is for me to even have a conversation. 

[tired]

yes it is

[tired]

I'm getting confident which leads to spending, on things like socks or whatever.

[tired]

I just did a consultation which is a free meeting with a potential client to talk and see if it will work etc.  I talked so fast. I don't know why.  I didn't have coffee or ritalin. I did take a nap earlier, because I had been awake since 3am.  But it wasn't a big nap. Why I was so ramped up I don't know.  I should have calmed down and let her talk, let her tell me what she wants. Usually I ask what they are looking for and let them talk a bit then I launch into here's what I do.  Then I shuffled her out because a client said she was on her way, which meant "leaving work now, be there in 20 min" but I get so anxious about moving on to the next thing. I am anxious about my ability to function.

[tired]

i hate everyone and everything right now.   i'm usually more specific than that but i'm too tired to care. 

[tired]

I'm going to the gym. I took a shower, and told myself I can do it and I will have time.  I don't know why I imagine showers take forever.  When I was growing up I think I only showered when my mom once a week threw me in the bath and took forever washing me. why i don't know.  i always felt cold and slightly battered. i hate water; i hate that moment when you go under the water and you get that chill even though my water heater is set to boiling hot.

i feel better knowing i'm close to normal before i leave the house.  i have so many strikes against me.

[tired]

I heard once that the time you change is when you get sick and tired of things being the way they are. I started writing and sounded like a broken record and I'm sick of talking about the same things.  Time to take action.

I feel pressured to see my mom, and I can see myself giving in.  The way I always felt growing up, being coerced into things.  Cajoled, badgered. 

I think about what good it would do to see her and I can't imagine it being good for anyone.  I guess maybe it would be good for her, what do I know. How can I read her mind. But not good for me, or my kids.  It's not like seeing her can erase the last two years of avoiding her.  She'll say something about it and I will have to either express anger as a reason why I did it or I will have to just be silent and ignore the issue and not talk about it.  How would either of those things help her. They won't.  I can't fix what is broken.  I mean I can't make it all ok for her.  I can't lie and even if I tried she wouldn't buy it. 

why am i even talking about this; i decided already i'm done. it's just that i feel pressured and it's how my mind works; people say i should do something and i do it. i am starting to remember dumb things i've done because someone said i should.  that's just nuts.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

Perhaps a word of comfort regarding the "sick of talking about the same things": Like you said, you've been pressured into doing things you didn't want to time and again. It will take time and again as well to remind yourself you don't want it anymore. Alas.
You've been 'trained' into certain behavior, now you have to 'de-train'. It does take an effort.

So hard. That's what I experience at least. I can relate.

[tired]

I thought a lot about that pressure to do things.  last night i had a meltdown.  i was trying to catch up on housework and i exhausted myself and i just curled into a ball and cried.  i felt abandoned by the world.  there is no one on the planet who cares that i don't have clean socks or at least don't know where they are and no one who will come help me find them.  it won't take long, just five minutes probably.  i don't even need them to be clean so i'm sure i have some around here somewhere. i know for a fact that i have many socks.  i dont know why it has to be this hard.

then it occured to me that contemplating seeing my mother and feeling like i'm on the fence about it still, is making me crazy.  i weighed the pros and cons and i think seeing her, or even considering it, is going to be much worse than facing whatever happens when i say no, i'm not going to see her. 

i also had to think about my kids and whether i would subject them to a visit.  i imagine all the things she might say to them that would hurt and do i want to risk that.  no.  i don't. 

hopefully the meltdown helped.  part of de-training.

[Indigochild]

tired, omg, how i relate so much to this!!

I hope this isn't too much, this is just my 2 cents on this, as i dont know how to help you as I'm currently in the same situation.

Have you read Pete Walkers books?
He talks to how the flight response?? I think its the flight response- can appear to have ADD- but they dont have ADD- its their response to trauma.
Maybe you are trying to *look* less depressed- in fear of what others think. I think we all need self commission, but i understand too how you want to function normally and appear normal to others.
Its trying to find the balance which is hard.

You mention you *feel* this screaming inside of you-
you dont *hear* it?
I was going to say maybe if you hear it your are hearing a memory- you or someone else screaming-
but if you are feeling it- you are feeling a memory perhaps-
do you think this screaming is anger?
I have anger that screams and i feel i could rage - and sometimes do when pushed just too fear and its always beyand my control.

It does feel like my anger will destroy me and everyone around me.
My T said to me that when you are little-
if you are angry at your parents- that is too scary-
so you dont do it and you turn the anger in on yourself, so that you can convince yourself that you have control over the way you are being treated-
and also so you dont have to face the fact that you are being treated unfairly.
If you are angry at your parents-
there was every chance they could punish you or leave you-
and a child needs them to survive, so they are afraid of their anger destroying them- as if they angered - it could take away all means of survival.
Does that make sense?

The rage we feel too is huge. So it is scary.
Are you trying to dull down this anger and block it out with the pills?
Angering is the first stage of recovery typically, so angering is a great start to recovery, even if its hard and doesnt feel great. Sometimes recovery is very hard but i I'm sure there are positives along the way too.
It doesnt stop it being scary- but if you think that- this anger is anger that we were not allowed to express-
it wants to come out. It has a right to and you have a right to express it.

I am so sorry you feel so alone.
I do too, and Cptsd and our terrible relational experiences make us distance ourselves form others and not let them in. Others dont know us as a result.
Sometimes when i think my partner doesnt care- it isn't true, as I'm finding out in therapy.
It is the tape that goes on and on in my head-
knowone cares, just like my parents never did.
I think he intentionally ignores stuff-
things that matter ie. how I'm feeling-
and i worry that if he actually doesnt know what is going on therefore isn't ignoring anything intentionally-
i worry ive picked a partner like my parents.
But sometimes- he is being a nice normal person, and i dont realise that ANY AVERAGE PERSON would miss things sometimes.
And also, we do attract though no fault of our own - people that dont see us. or self involved others.

Maybe you are projecting your rage about your parents onto others as I do...and maybe you are also right to be angry with others- justifiable anger-
that is coherent with the facts in font of you.
Flashbacks or not- your feelings are valid and I'm sorry its all so hard.

Your next bit helped me to realise, that through out my whole life, my parents never talked to me about the bullying at school- or anything that bothered me. I never felt better because they didnt allow me to express myself.

What happens to a person when no one notices anything? 
So many things. Have you checked out Lisa A Romano Breakthrough Life Coach on youtube?
She talks a lot about neglect and what it does.
Also , let me know if you are interested in books about neglect.
Running on empty is a good book the explains very well.

I am full of rage too. Its so hard being so angry all the time when it feels that there is no place for it and that it might not be accepted in the world. It is so hard for us when we have been told to have no feelings.
Hopefully you will be able to direct the rage safely towards the people who deserve it. I am working on this now so i cant offer any advice.
Rage covers up pain and usually is the pushier emotion that comes first
Once rage is over, sadness can come forth.

I am the same and it saddens me that it is this way for you.
On any given day, I tend to disconnect from people and accept my status as a person alone, and that makes me feel a lot better.  I don't expect anyone to care and that feels like a relief.
Maybe this is your defence pattern. As a freeze type, i isolate. I guess we isolate anyway as in, not giving ourselves away in relationships etc.
Maybe we are trying to take possible rejection that we fear into our own hands.
Have you read about freeze types?

I hope this was helpful. I hope it wasnt too full on.